Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 16 [Part 4]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

This chapter is so long. I’m so over it right now. If it had just ended with Jack leaving the building, that would have been great, but Miss James had to go and add all this other stupid stuff onto it that will inevitably make me furious.

Anyway.

Christian refuses to tell Ana what his IT guy found on Jack’s computer. I’m not really surprised, as Christian seems to enjoy keeping things from Ana.

Ana tells Christian that José called about dropping off the photos that Christian bought, and how José wants to go out for a drink with her. Ana says this really uncomfortably, and she’s obviously nervous about telling Christian. I’m kind of torn here. On the one hand, Ana shouldn’t have to ask Christian’s permission to go out for drinks with one of her friends. On the OTHER hand, José is a  piece of shit friend who drunkenly assaulted Ana and kissed her and refused to let go of her, so Christian has every right to not be comfortable with Ana going out alone with him. I don’t know what’s more ridiculous, that Ana’s not allowed out without Christian’s permission, or that Ana is still friends with a man who clearly doesn’t respect her boundaries or even her as a person.

“He made a pass at you.”
“Christian, that was weeks ago. He was drunk, I was drunk, you saved the day–it won’t happen again. He’s no Jack, for heaven’s sake.”

I love how Ana says “that was weeks ago,” like that means it’s okay. She says it like Christian’s been holding this grudge for 40 years.

A few weeks isn’t a long time, Ana, and even so, time doesn’t make what José did okay. The fact that both of you were drunk ALSO doesn’t make it okay. Nothing makes it okay. I don’t know why you’re still friends when he treated you like that. It wasn’t just “making a pass” at you. He held you, against your wishes, kissed you, ALSO against your wishes, and when you told him to stop and said no and tried to get out of his grasp, HE REFUSED TO LET YOU GO. He is a shitty person. Get new friends.

“He’s my friend, Christian. I haven’t seen him since his show. And that was too brief. I know you don’t have any friends, apart from that god-awful woman, but I don’t moan about you seeing her,” I snap.

Um. What. What is even happening. Why are you being a dick to him because he doesn’t have any friends.

I also love how Ana is like “I don’t moan about you seeing her” after she JUST moaned about him being friends with her by calling her that “god-awful woman.” You moan about him seeing her ALL THE FUCKING TIME. But you can’t stop him from seeing her if he wants to see her, whereas HE can stop YOU from doing anything that he doesn’t like. So basically this relationship is dumb and everything they say is dumb and I’m 200% done.

And then Christian is all shocked that Ana would rather he didn’t hang out with Elena. And he’s like “Why didn’t you say?” BECAUSE ELENA IS YOUR ONLY FRIEND, STUPID.

Christian finally agrees to have José come stay at his apartment, so Christian can “keep an eye on him.” Because Christian is apparently Ana’s father.

Then Christian says he has to work and leaves Ana to do whatever.

God this chapter is SO LONG.

Ana wanders around the apartment and ends up in the playroom for some reason? And of course now we get a bunch of pages of Ana thinking about things, pages that tell us NOTHING about the characters or the plot, so they’re basically completely useless and boring Ugh.

And then Ana starts exploring all the things in the playroom.

Holy fuck, what’s all this? An array of instruments and bizarre implements–I don’t have a clue what they are, or what they’re for–are carefully laid out in the display drawer. I pick one up. It’s bullet-shaped with a sort of handle. Hmm…what the hell do you do with that?

Its for your butt, Ana. Congratulations, you found the butt drawer.

OOP and then Christian appears in the doorway out of nowhere.

Oh for the love of fuck they’re going to bang now. Are you kidding me. What the actual fuck.

Ana asks Christian if he’s mad at her for going in the room.

“Why would I be mad?”
“I feel like I’m trespassing…and you’re always mad at me.”

THAT’S BECAUSE HE’S A BAD PERSON AND A BAD BOYFRIEND AND IS CONSTANTLY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE TO YOU.

HIM BEING MAD AT YOU SHOULD NOT BE A CONSTANT THING. THAT ISN’T NORMAL.

Christian starts enlightening Ana as to what is in the butt drawer.

“That’s a butt plug,” he says gently.
“Oh…”
“Bought for you.”

Weeirrrddddd.

And then she finds some anal beads too.

“This is the butt drawer?”

OH MY GOD SHE ACTUALLY CALLED IT THE BUTT DRAWER.

OMG IT’S LIKE I PREDICTED IT.

I can’t believe I read the phrase “butt drawer” in an actual published novel. I don’t know whether I should cry or puke a little. Probably both.

Ughhh and then she finds a drawer of genital clamps. If you’re into genital clamps, that’s cool, but I am not at all so reading about them weirds me out a whole lot.

Then they find some ball gags, and Christian starts getting all boner-y as he’s talking about how great gagging is.

I’m just so, so bored right now. None of this is interesting. If it doesn’t move forward the plot or develop a character, don’t include it. None of this is doing anything, it’s just explaining various kinds of kinky implements to use in the bedroom. If you wanted to make it interesting, you’d show us the use of them, instead of just telling us about it. Show Christian using it or wanting to use it and show us Ana’s reaction. That could give us some character development. That would be useful. As it is? I’ve skipped past reading so many pages and I haven’t missed a single plot point. That means it’s boring and useless.

Ugh. Is it over yet? 41 pages left, yikes.

So then Ana gets all sexy on Christian.

“Ana, you were nearly attacked today.” His voice is soft but ice-cold and wary.
“So?” I ask, enjoying the feel of his hand at my back and his proximity.

So? What do you mean “so?” You were so stressed out that you NEARLY FAINTED. You had to defend yourself against a guy who was trying to blackmail you so he could sexually assault you! What the fuck do you mean, “so?”

Just go to bed, Ana. Do us all a favor and just go to bed.

Jesus, it’s like she’s not even bothered by what happened at all?

So then Ana asks about the spreader bar and asks Christian to give her a demonstration, and then she says that she “likes being tied up.”

JUST FUCKING BANG ALREADY. JESUS. I WANT TO GO TO BED.

But Christian says he doesn’t want to have sex with Ana in the playroom, because he’s still scarred after the last time they were in there when Ana left him.

YOU’D BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER FOR LIKE 2 FUCKING WEEKS WHEN SHE LEFT YOU.

FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK. YOU’RE MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS WHEN YOU BARELY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER.

ACoops is judging you

 

Just stop it, both of you.

So they go to the bedroom and its the exact same thing they always do. Ana asks if she can touch his chest, he says it’s okay, and then she kisses his chest and it’s like some huge achievement or something, and then she gets on her knees and is going to blow him because WOW SHE’S SO UNIQUE, SHE GIVES BLOWJOBS. NO ONE ELSE DOES THAT. THIS IS SO INTERESTING. IT DEFINITELY HASN’T HAPPENED LIKE 40 TRILLION OTHER TIMES IN THIS SERIES AND I’M DEFINITELY NOT BORED TO TEARS BY THESE SEX SCENES.

Oh except this time he cums in her mouth. How fascinating.

Apparently they brought the spreader bar into the bedroom? So he cuffs her ankles to it and spreads her legs apart like 3 feet.

And then he goes down on her. And then she cums in like 2 seconds. And then he cuffs her wrists to the bar too, and they start boning basically doggy-style, with her face down and ass up (2 Live Crew would be very proud). And then they both cum.

I just summarized about 40 pages in a few paragraphs. You’re welcome. If you want to get turned on, read some ACTUAL erotica on the internet. I promise that most of it is better written than this.

So then Christian undoes Ana’s wrists and ankles and she falls asleep, and then keeps waking up randomly and talking with Christian, but then she eventually actually falls asleep.

-End of Chapter Sixteen-

FUCKING FINALLY.

Sorry this last part was maybe not as funny. I was just so fucking done with this chapter. Ugh.

But now it’s over! It started out AWESOME and then turned real shitty real fast.

God, this whole book series could have been compressed down to one book if they took out all the unnecessary bullshit.

But they didn’t. So I get to read all of it. You’re welcome.

No guarantees about posts on Monday, I’m going to visit the boyfriend and I might not be back until late(ish) Monday night. I’ll do my best, though!

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