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RECAP: Ana and Christian wake up, have sex, and then Ana drives to work in her new car, with Christian supervising because he treats her like a child. Ana asks Christian not to interfere with her job, and that almost starts an argument for no apparent reason, but Ana manages to stop it in time. Once at work, Ana finds out that she gets Jack’s old job, even though she’s only been working there for about a week and has no real qualifications, but hey! that’s how reality works, right? Ana calls Christian to make sure that this wasn’t his doing, and he assures her that it wasn’t. Ethan shows up out of nowhere to check on Ana, even though she’s at work and has a phone and he could have called her, but whatever. Ana sets Ethan up with Mia and they leave. After work, Ana goes with Christian to see Christian’s therapist, Dr. Flynn. Flynn asks Christian to leave the room so he and Ana can talk alone. We don’t really learn anything about Christian that we didn’t already know, other than the fact that he’s fucked up but not as fucked up as he thinks he is (that’s Dr. Flynn’s opinion anyway. Me? I think Christian is EXACTLY as fucked up as he think he is). Afterwards, while Ana drives, Christian drills Ana on what she and Flynn talked about. She tells him. She also tells him that José is coming to visit and Christian grudgingly tells Ana that she can hang out with her friend. All this time, Christian is constantly yelling at Ana about her driving, until finally she pulls over and refuses to get back in the car unless Christian either stops yelling at her or drives the car himself. Christian picks the latter option, because apparently he can’t go more than 2 seconds without yelling at Ana for something. Christian refuses to tell Ana where they’re going, and when they get to wherever they’re going, Christian just goes “Surprise,” and smiles mysteriously.
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m praying for someone to get murdered in a dark alley. That’s the kind of “surprise” I want.
Apparently they’re NOT at their destination yet? Because they’re still driving around some nice neighborhood where there are kids all over the place and junk. The pull up to two huge decorative metal gates set in a 6-ft high sandstone wall, and Christian types in a number and the gates open. They drive up a tree-lined lane, and Christian apparently looks nervous? Is he having second thoughts about murdering Ana? God I hope not.
They pull up to a huge Mediterranean-style house, though Ana doesn’t know who lives there or why they’re visiting.
Christian tells Ana to “keep an open mind.”
They go up to the house and are greeted by a woman named Olga Kelly, and she lets them in the house. The house is completely empty. They go through the house and see the gargantuan lawn that looks out over Puget Sound. We get a bunch of paragraphs of description of how beautiful it is. Yeah. We get it. It’s really cool. Christian is probably going to buy the house and you two will get to live there and be rich motherfuckers your whole lives. We know. You don’t need to rub it in.
“I’ve always wanted to live on the coast. I sail up and down the Sound coveting these houses. This place hasn’t been on the market long. I want to buy it, demolish it, and build a new house–for us,” he whispers, and his eyes glow, translucent with his hopes and dreams.
YOU TWO HAVE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR MAYBE 2 MONTHS. MAYBE. 2 MONTHS MIGHT BE PUSHING IT, ACTUALLY.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. SHE HASN’T EVEN SAID SHE’D MARRY YOU YET, WEIRDO. BACK. UP. THE. TRUCK.
Of course, Ana loves it, and wants to see if they can keep the house and just upgrade it so it’s more sustainable or whatever, and then they start making out because THAT’S ALL THEY FUCKING DO.
Wake up in the morning? Make out.
Home from work? Make out.
See a therapist? Make out.
Buy a house? Make out.
Successfully poop? Make out.
I mean, jesus, they have no actual romantic connection other than the very physical (and very constant) connection of their lips (and often genitals as well). They never talk, they never actually discuss anything, they barely know anything about one another, they can’t seem to sustain a conversation for more than 3 minutes before it turns into an argument about something…How do people see this as the ideal relationship? Are you serious? Do you have eyes? Do you know how to read?
They leave the house, and Christian says that he’d keep his current penthouse apartment thing, because he can afford to do that, because he is rich as balls, in case you forgot. Asshole.
“Anastasia, you’re going to have to learn to be rich, too, if you say yes,” he says softly.
So…she has to learn how to be an asshole who doesn’t care about money and just buys shit for fun?
They go out to celebrate Ana’s promotion. They go to a club that Christian apparently owns, because he owns at least half of Seattle.
The Mile High Club is on the seventy-sixth floor of Columbia Tower, higher even than Christian’s apartment.
The Mile High Club? Really? Really. You’re that ridiculously bad at being creative that you couldn’t even come up with an actual name for this club. Are you even serious right now.
When they get to the club, Christian gives Ana a glass of champagne and then tells her to go take her panties off. She, of course, obliges, and heads to the bathroom.
I am excited already. Why does he affect me so? I slightly resent how easily I fall under his spell. I know now that we won’t be spending the evening talking through all our issues and recent events…but how can I resist him?
YOU CAN RESIST HIM BY SAYING “NO, CHRISTIAN, I’M GOING TO KEEP MY PANTIES ON AND WE’RE GOING TO HAVE AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION BECAUSE A LOT OF SHIT HAS BEEN HAPPENING RECENTLY AND WE NEED TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT.”
Like, I’m glad you’re soOoOo attracted to him that you can’t resist, good for you and all, but come on. You clearly wanted to spend the night having a conversation with the man you’re considering marrying, but you’re too scared to tell him that’s what you want.
This relationship is a joke. A very sad, very bad joke.
When she gets back to the table, she finds out that Christian has already ordered for them both. Oysters. And luckily for us, he’s going to feed them to her as some kind of fun sexy thing. Oh goody. Can’t wait.
“Eat,” he says, holding the shell close to my mouth. I part my lips, and he gently places the shell on my bottom lip. “Tip your head back slowly,” he murmurs. I do as he asks and the oyster slips down my throat. He doesn’t touch me, only the shell.
Ughhhhhh so that’s what this is. He’s not going to touch her for this whole scene. Woop de fucking doo. My panties are positively dripping.