Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 18 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Somehow the conversation comes around to the NDA (non-disclosure agreement) that Christian had Ana sign way back at the beginning of the first book, at the start of their “relationship.” Christian tells Ana to rip it up, that he trusts her now.

They continue eating.

Ana starts trying to seduce Christian, by hitching her skirt up higher and higher and running her hands along her thighs. Christian notices and is affected by it, I guess, but he says “You’re not turning the tables on me, Miss Steele.”

He starts feeding her asparagus and apparently her opening her mouth gives Christian All The Boners.

Christian demands that Ana finish her meal, and tells her he won’t take her home until she does.

“You really don’t eat enough. You’ve lost weight since I’ve known you.” His tone is gentle.

She probably has lost weight because it’s exhausting to be terrified of your boyfriend 24/7.

I don’t want to think about my weight; truth is, I like being this slim.

Thaaaat sounds kind of like an eating disorder? The fact that Ana refuses to eat so often is pretty alarming.

They leave the restaurant and get in the elevator with two older couples. They stand in the back of the elevator.

Oh…oh god. Please tell me they’re not going to do gross things while there are other people in the elevator…please tell me that’s not a thing I’m about to read…

As the doors close, Christian briefly stoops down beside me to tie his shoelace. Odd, his shoelaces aren’t undone. Discreetly he places his hand on my ankle, startling me, and as he stands his hand travels swiftly up my leg, skating deliciously over my skin–whoa–right up. I have to stifle my gasp of surprise as his hand reaches my backside. Christian moves behind me.

nope nope octopus

ABORT MISSION.

CODE RED.

I’M GOING TO VOMIT.

Christian pulls me to him, holding me in place as his fingers explore.

UGHHH WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS. WHY AM I READING THIS. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.

Finally they get off the elevator.

On the way to the car, Ana says something about how she’s never had sex in a car before.

Christian halts and places those same fingers under my chin, tipping my head back and glaring down at me.
“I’m very pleased to hear that. I have to say I’d be very surprised, not to say mad, if you had.”
I flush, blinking up at him. Of course, I’ve only had sex with him. I frown at him.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean?” His tone is unexpectedly harsh.”

annoyed with paper

Really. Are you fucking serious. You two can’t even handle fooling around for 3 minutes without Christian freaking out for no fucking reason.

What the fuck is wrong with you, Christian? There is literally NO reason for you to be a dick right now. Nothing caused it, nothing provoked it, Ana didn’t do anything wrong.

It’s like Christian’s favorite pastime is “getting mad at Ana for no reason.”

What an asshole.

But then Ana tells him that her brain is just sort of addled because of the elevator business, and she tells him that she’s really turned on and that she wants him to fuck her, and that just fixes everything, apparently.

Christian says he’ll have sex with Ana in the car eventually, but right now he’s going to “take you on every available surface of my apartment.”

I’m going to throw up so many times from this chapter. So. Much. Vomit.

It’s like he’s addressing me below the waist…my inner goddess performs four arabesques and a pas de Basque.

FUN FACT. USING BALLET TERMS DOESN’T MAKE YOU COOL.

ALSO, IF YOUR INNER GODDESS IS REALLY THAT HAPPY, SHE PROBABLY WOULDN’T DO 4 ARABESQUES. SHE’D PROBABLY DO SOME KIND OF JUMP OR LEAP, YOU IDIOT.

Sorry. I just have a very low tolerance for people who think that stealing ballet terms/items will make them cool. Like all the hipsters who take pictures of themselves not wearing pointe shoes the right way.

ALSO. MOST PEOPLE PROBABLY DON’T KNOW WHAT A PAS DE BASQUE IS. ARABESQUE, MAYBE. IF YOU’RE TRYING TO TELL US HOW EXCITED ANA IS ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING, MAYBE GO FOR A TERM THAT PEOPLE KNOW. LIKE PIROUETTE OR SOME BULLSHIT.

YOUR BULLSHIT “INNER GODDESS” THINGS DON’T TELL US ANYTHING ABOUT HOW ANA IS ACTUALLY FEELING.

IS HER HEART RACING? ARE HER PALMS SWEATY? DID HER MOUTH SUDDENLY GROW DRY? WHAT DOES HER VAGINA FEEL LIKE? HOW IS SHE BREATHING?

THESE ARE THINGS THAT WE SHOULD ACTUALLY KNOW. I DON’T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT HER “INNER GODDESS.”

FUCK. THIS. BOOK.

Once in the elevator on the way to Christian’s apartment, Ana asks why he’s torturing her. He implies that he’s doing it because she still hasn’t given him an answer on whether or not she’ll marry him. That’s pretty par for the Christian Grey course. “You’re doing something I don’t like? Gonna take it out on you sexually, hurray!”

“What can I do to make you say yes?” he asks fervently, throwing me off balance once more.

UM YOU CAN’T MAKE ANYONE SAY YES TO MARRYING YOU, YOU ASSHOLE. MAYBE TRY BEING NICE TO HER AND TREATING HER WELL AND NOT BEING A SCARY, CONTROLLING, MANIPULATIVE POT OF FUCKS. WHAT A FUCKING CONCEPT.

Instead of saying what I just said, like she should have, Ana just asks Christian to give her some time.

Ana, you should really just try calling him a pot of fucks. And then you should try leaving his ass. And then you should try dating Ethan because he’s a babe and would treat you right and you wouldn’t be scared of him all the time.

Just a suggestion.

They get into the apartment and immediately have sex on the table in the entrance. How…cute. God I hope no one else is home.

They both cum, but Christian says “I’m not finished with you yet,” and then it’s presumed they have more gross sex, but thankfully we don’t have to read about it.

The next morning, Christian leaves early for work, and Ana wakes up and starts getting ready. She thinks more about Christian’s birthday presents. Apparently there are multiple presents, there’s the one she’s already given him, and the one she bought at the tourist shop, and apparently there’s one that will “really be for me,” whatever that means. More butt plugs, probably.

In the walk-in closet, I put on a dark red fitted dress with a square neckline, cut quite low. Yes, this will do for work.

jon stewart judging

Um…I think…I think you’re confused, Ana.

“AH YES. YOU CAN SEE 90% OF MY BOOBS. PERFECT FOR WORK.”

Wearing low-cut dresses is totally fine, it’s great, it’s awesome, but just…not to work. I hope to god you at least wear a blazer over it.

Ana starts rummaging around in Christian’s closet to put together this new additional birthday present. She’s looking for his ties. Instead of finding his ties, however, she first finds the jeans he always wears in the Playroom, and underneath that she finds a large, black, flat cardboard box.

Apparently the box is full of pictures from his Playroom. Pictures of his ex-submissives.

Ana, to her credit, tries to tell herself that these are from before her time, so it doesn’t matter, but it clearly continues to bother her as she goes and eats breakfast.

Ana asks Mrs Jones for a key to the playroom, and Mrs. Jones complies. Ana goes in, gets something out of the old museum chest (the one with the butt drawer. I will pee my pants if she actually gives him a butt plug for his birthday omg), and leaves, all while trying to convince herself that she’s not upset about the photographs.

I mean…I’d be upset about the photographs, but I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for why they’re there. I doubt Christian still looks at them. I’m sure this whole thing will be a huge argument though. Everything seems to be a huge argument between these two.

Ana decides not to talk to Christian about these photographs…which I think is stupid? But whatever. I guess hiding shit from each other is just what the two of them do.

Ana says something in an email to Christian about Mrs. Jones being very “accomodating,” and Christian instantly knows that there’s something up. He’s all weird about it, but Ana emails him and says it’s about his birthday. He doesn’t email back.

By 4 in the afternoon, he still hasn’t emailed back. Ana calls him. He doesn’t answer. She leaves a voicemail.

Later, Ana’s phone rings. It’s not Christian though, it’s Kate. Kate is apparently back, and she’s going to join Ana for drinks with José tonight.

José picks Ana up after work. She still hasn’t heard from Christian.

…I hate that I’m actually kind of worried about what’s happened to him. E.L. James actually does a pretty good job of building suspense here, leaving us wondering what happened to Christian.

Ana, José, Kate, and Ethan all go out for drinks. They get plastered. Suddenly, Kate gets a call from Elliot…except Elliot is asking for Ana.

“What’s wrong?”
“It’s Christian. He’s not back from Portland.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“His helicopter has gone missing.”

-End of Chapter Eighteen-

dun dun dun

OH SHIT. SHIT IS GETTING DRAMATIC UP IN HERE.

But Christian will be fine. Because nothing bad ever happens in this book. Woop di fucking doo.

See you on Monday!

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