Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 19 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Here I am! I know it’s late, there was a preseason hockey game on and I’m a giant nerd sooooo yeah.

But here I am!

Let’s do this!

RECAP: Christian takes Ana to this huge empty house where he murders her shows her around and then tells her that he’s gonna buy the house for them, even though she has yet to say yes to marrying him (though we know she’s going to, because there’s no way she’d refuse him on anything). Christian then takes Ana to a club he owns, cleverly called the “Mile High Club,” because E.L. James thinks she’s really hilarious. They eat dinner and have some champagne and Christian demands that Ana take her panties off because reasons. They spend the entire dinner being gross and horny to each other, and not discussing any of the things Ana clearly wants to discuss. They leave. In the elevator, Christian starts fingering Ana even though the elevator is literally full of people. Apparently no one notices, which I find hard to believe. They leave the elevator, and Christian has a huge mood swing and gets all pissy for no reason, but then Ana reminds him that they’re going home to have sex and he cheers right up. They go home and have gross sex all over, and then go to bed. In the morning, Christian leaves for work, and Ana starts putting together one last part of Christian’s birthday present. While rummaging around in Christian’s closet, she accidentally finds a box full of nude photographs of Christian’s past submissives, which is SUPER WEIRD but whatever. Ana goes to work. José picks her up after work, and they go out for drinks with Kate. After getting properly sloshed, Kate gets a phone call from Elliot, who’s asking for Ana. He tells Ana that Christian took his helicopter to Portland that morning, and still hasn’t returned.

DUM BUM BUMMMM.

-Chapter Nineteen-

Suddenly we’re back at Christian’s apartment. Ana stares moodily at the fireplace, feeling bad for herself, which I guess she has a right to do. I mean, nothing bad ever actually happens in this book, all the bad things that could happen get conveniently averted at the last second, so I’m having trouble believing that something bad ACTUALLY happened to Christian. He’s going to walk in the door, completely unharmed, and will probably yell at Ana for something stupid. Christian will never die as long as there’s something he can get mad at Ana for.

He’s been missing for eight hours. No sign, no word from him.

Do they really consider a person “missing” if he’s only gone for 8 hours? I mean, I guess if his helicopter didn’t land, that’s a pretty big clue that something’s wrong, but I thought they usually waited longer to call a person “missing.” I could be completely wrong on that, though.

Uuughhhh the past like 4 pages have been nothing but Ana recapping their entire relationship for us. Of course, she’s conveniently focusing only on all the romantic, sweet things he’s done, and is leaving out all the scary, abusive, mean parts about their relationship, but I guess that’s probably how the average person reacts when they think someone they care about is hurt. People always sugarcoat everything when they think you’re dead. In Christian’s case, Ana’s going to need a lot of sugar to sugarcoat all his bullshit.

God, it’s like a montage episode in a sitcom. Every fucking page is like this.

I open my eyes and gaze unseeing into the fire once more, memories of our time together flitting through my mind: his boyish joy when we were sailing and gliding; his suave, sophisticated, hot-as-hell look at the masked ball; dancing, oh yes, dancing here in the apartment to Sinatra, whirling round the room; his quiet, anxious hope yesterday at the house–that stunning view.

star wars look at all the fucks I don't give

star wars look at them anakin

Seriously. I couldn’t be more bored right now. I know I’m supposed to be concerned about Christian’s well-being, but I honestly, truly, from the bottom of my heart…do not give a single shit. Words cannot describe how happy I would be if Christian turned up dead, but we all know that’s not even close to possible.

Suddenly, Grace shrieks (did I mention that the whole family is there? Well they are.) and runs towards the door.

I turn my head in time to see Grace barreling across the great room from where she had been pacing somewhere behind me, and there in the entrance stands a dismayed Christian. He’s dressed in just his shirtsleeves and suit pants, and he’s holding his navy jacket, shoes, and socks. He looks tired, dirty, and utterly beautiful.

grumpy cat

SERIOUSLY? HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A BROKEN LEG, OR A SPRAINED ANKLE? HE’S NOT BLEEDING OR BROKEN OR BRUISED?

DIRTY. HE’S JUST DIRTY.

DID HIS HELICOPTER JUST MAGICALLY FLOAT DOWN INTO A FOREST WHERE HE GENTLY TUMBLED OUT? IS THAT HOW PHYSICS WORKS IN THIS WORLD?

So Christian’s whole family runs over to hug him, like this is It’s A Wonderful Life and he’s fucking Jimmy Stewart or some shit (oh god I never want to compare Christian Grey to Jimmy Stewart again. I’m so sorry Jimmy.). Christian is all confused, probably because he thinks no one loves him (and no one should love him, because he’s a controlling, abusive, manipulative dick-napkin who doesn’t deserve anyone’s affections, but I guess that’s just my opinion).

Did I mention that José is still here? And that he’s sitting next to Ana, trying to comfort her, and holding her hand to try and be there for her?

No?

Well he is. I was skimming too fast to really notice it, so I just caught it now. I guess Christian also just caught it now.

[Christian] blinks and glances briefly at José, who lets go of my hand. Christian’s mouth tightens.

oh my GODDD. I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU THAT CHRISTIAN COULDN’T DIE AS LONG AS THERE WAS SOMETHING LEFT TO GET MAD AT ANA OVER.

I TOLD YOU SO1

I TOLD YOU SO2

I TOLD YOU SO

[oh god I’ve been waiting so long to use those gifs. So much waiting. 12 years of it, in fact. In Azkaban.]

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2 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 19 [Part 1]

  1. Pingback: 10 Reasons Why Friends Push Each Other To Get Married Before Them

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