Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 20

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

You guys, it’s chapter 20.

ONLY TWO MORE CHAPTERS AFTER THIS ONE.

AND THEN WE START THE THIRD BOOK.

Hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen. You may want to use them as a puke-receptacle as we delve even deeper into this shit series.

RECAP: Christian’s whole family is holed up in his apartment freaking out because his helicopter is missing and he’s been gone for 8 hours and they don’t know where he is. Ana spends much of this time thinking about her feelings, and the whole first part of the chapter seems to function as one big feelings-flashback, where Ana conveniently only remembers all 5 of the times when Christian wasn’t being a shitting dick-whistle to her. Christian finally returns moderately dirty but otherwise unhurt, even though he crashed his helicopter into the forest at the base of a volcano after both of the engines caught on fire. Apparently he was gone so long because it took him and his business-partner(?) Ros 4 hours to get to the nearest road, and Ros was wearing heels so it’s all her fault. Christian didn’t have time to find a place to call his family from, because he was so anxious to get back because he knew Ana was with José, and Christian doesn’t trust either of them, and apparently he also doesn’t trust either Taylor or Mrs. Jones to stop José from sexually assaulting Ana in Christian’s own apartment. After everyone leaves, Ana tells Christian to open his present early. It’s a shitty little keychain that she programmed to spell out “yes” on one side, because I guess Ana is exactly as stupid as she seems and she’s actually going to marry this dick-wagon she calls her boyfriend.

Can’t wait for that wedding.

-Chapter Twenty-

Christian makes Ana say “Yes, I’ll marry you” out loud, because he doesn’t believe her. He then spins her around in the most stereotypical display of jubilation I’ve ever seen outside of movies on the Hallmark channel. Apparently he’s in one of his good moods, and isn’t going to yell at Ana for anything…yet.

Ughhh and then Christian decides that Ana deserves “retribution” for making him wait for her answer, and of course this retribution is going to be in the form of sex.

So he picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and then…puts her in the bathtub and turns the water on? Even though she’s fully clothed?

I would be so mad, oh my god.

Of course Ana isn’t mad, she’s just horny as hell, and they start making out and undressing each other in the shower. I’ll spare you most of the details, it’s all pretty gross and boring.

Except then, instead of going right to the main event, Ana decides to wash him first? And this is supposed to be another one of those big important moments, where Ana touches Christian’s chest which is still a big deal for him, except I still don’t care. I know it’s supposed to be a symbol of how much he’s changed and grown and stuff, but he hasn’t really changed at all. He still treats Ana like shit all the time. His reactions and emotions are still largely the same, only now she can touch his chest. He’s almost the exact same character he was back when we first met him, only now we know exactly how shitty and horrible he is as a person.

Ugh and now Ana’s washing his boner. I’m sure that can be sexy in the moment, but I just find both of these characters so unappealing that the only part of me that’s getting aroused is my gag reflex.

I drop the sponge and use my hands, grasping him firmly.

firmly grasp it

He closes his eyes, tips his head back, and groans, thrusting his hips into my hands.
Oh yes! It’s so arousing.

Erotic Writing 101: If something is sexy or arousing, show why it’s fucking sexy or arousing. Saying “It’s so arousing” isn’t going to get any pussies wet, alright? What about it is sexy? Or, alternately, if you’re so aroused, what does that feel like? I don’t give a shit if you say it’s arousing, you have to show me what that means.

My inner goddess has resurfaced after her evening of rocking and weeping in the corner, and she’s wearing harlot-red lipstick.

Harlot-red lipstick? So…only sluts wear lipstick? Or something? I don’t even know. I’m so fucking sick of your inner goddess. YOU DON’T FUCKING NEED AN INNER GODDESS. YOUR INNER GODDESS AND YOUR OUTER GODDESS SHOULD BE DOING THE SAME GODDAMNED THINGS BECAUSE YOU DON’T NEED TO HIDE YOUR SEXUALITY.

This multiple-personality shit is so damn old.

Like, okay, it’s just a piece of internalized sexist bullshit about how women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex so we have to hide that shit from the public.

If you enjoy sex, just say so! You don’t need to hide it, or repress those feelings so people will take you seriously or something. That’s bullshit.

If you have an inner goddess that only exists to personify your horribly repressed sexuality, you probably need a therapist. Or maybe you just need to hang out around more people that aren’t shitty.

You don’t need to hide your horny-ness from anyone. You’re not “weird” or anything for enjoying sex and for getting excited when sexy times are afoot.

In short, you don’t need an inner goddess. You are a goddess, inside and out. Don’t hide that shit from anyone.

Anyway.

Oh god. It’s been a week since Ana’s birth control shot. They don’t need to use condoms anymore. I think Christian’s boner just grew 3 sizes when he realized that.

So he picks her up and has her wrap her legs around him (a position that, at least in my experience, is much better on paper than in reality), and they have sex and it’s wonderful and perfect and whatever, and Ana just loves Chrisitan oh-so-much, and then they both cum and no one gives a single shit because they’ve been doing this since the dawn of their relationship and nothing has changed except maybe Ana is a tiny bit less self-conscious.

So dumb. All of it. Dumb dumb dumb.

The two of them dry off and go to bed.

In the morning, Ana wakes up to go make breakfast to bring to Christian in bed. She finds José sitting out in the kitchen, and they talk a little bit as Ana starts to make breakfast. Christian comes out, wearing only his pajama pants, probably because he’s trying to show off how hot he is in front of José. He’s basically peeing in a circle around Ana, is what he’s doing.

Christian and José start talking about fishing. Ana doesn’t understand fishing, so she tunes them out, because that’s what you do when someone you love is really interested in something, you completely ignore them whenever they talk about that thing. How romantic! I’m not saying Ana has to become interested in fishing just for Christian’s sake, but she should at least try and understand why he’s so interested in it. I mean, I’m a giant Harry Potter nerd, and my boyfriend isn’t really into HP, but he at least understands why it’s so important to me. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me being picky. I just know that if my boyfriend zoned out and ignored me every time I mentioned Harry Potter the relationship wouldn’t last very long.

José leaves, and Ana gives Christian his other presents.

The first present is a wooden model of a helicopter, which Christian practically pees himself over because it’s solar powered.

The second present is…

He tears through the pale-blue tissue paper and fishes out an eye mask, some nipple clamps, a butt plug, his iPod, his silver-gray tie–and last but by no means least–the key to his playroom.

blam fake suicide

I don’t want to read this anymore. Can we skip this? I REALLY don’t want to hear about Christian shoving things up Ana’s butt. Butt-stuff is totally cool, but I’m sure Christian and Ana will find a way to make it as repulsive as possible.

Christian says that they’re going to do the nasty business right now, and tells Ana to “come,” like she’s a fucking dog. That’s Christian Grey for you, God’s Gift to Women.

Desire races slick and hot through my blood as my insides tighten with hungry anticipation. My inner goddess somersaults round her chaise lounge. Finally!

…let me get this straight.

Your inner goddess is laying on one of these:

…doing this:

And I’m supposed to interpret this as your inner goddess is happy?

Honey, I don’t think that’s your inner goddess. I’m pretty sure that’s your inner crazy, drunk, 2-year-old child after eating an entire bag of Halloween candy.

Your inner goddess needs a mental hospital, is what I’m saying.

-End of Chapter Twenty-

Dang, this one was short! And nothing really happened so it went pretty fast.

The next chapter is sure to be a doozy. Not sure how much I want to read about Ana and Christian having buttsex while Ana thinks about how much she loves Christian.

Two chapters left!

See you (hopefully) on Friday!

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