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RECAP: Ana agrees to marry Christian, against her better judgement, and they have weird shower sex to celebrate. In the morning, Ana goes to make Christian breakfast in bed and finds José out in the kitchen. They talk for a little while, and then Christian shows up, shirtless, obviously showing off. Christian and José start talking about fishing, because I guess all dudes just love talking about fishing, and Ana tunes them out because she thinks fishing is dumb and isn’t willing to learn anything about it. José leaves, and Ana gives Christian his other birthday presents, one of which is a wooden model of a helicopter. The other present is a butt plug (for Ana), Christian’s own silver-gray tie, and the key to the playroom, because Ana wants to go have more gross sex in there, even though the last time they had sex in there Ana freaked out and left Christian (with good reason, sort of).
So now, I can only assume this is going to be a chapter of buttsex, and I’m going to puke all over myself. Buttsex is fine, you do whatever you want to do, I’m 100% not judging anyone for liking buttstuff. I just hate all the sex scenes in this book because they’re super unoriginal, and I’m sure E.L. James will find a way to make buttsex as gross and/or unrealistic as possible.
Let’s dive in!
To…to the chapter. Not to the…butts.
Once outside the playroom, Christian asks Ana if she’s “sure about this,” and she says yes, obviously, because she’s never going to say no to him, not really, not in any way that matters. This was her idea anyway.
“Yes,” I murmur, smiling shyly at him.
YOU WRAPPED UP A BUTT PLUG AND GAVE IT TO HIM TO USE ON YOU FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.
WHY ARE YOU BEING SHY ALL OF A SUDDEN.
Christian asks Ana if there’s anything she doesn’t want him to do, and she says she doesn’t want him to take pictures of her, which is CLEARLY alluding to the fact that she found all of the pictures of his old Subs in that box in his closet, but thankfully he doesn’t ask her about that, he just agrees.
Christian undresses Ana and ties his tie around her neck.
“You look mighty fine now, Miss Steele,” he says and bends to kiss me gently on my lips.
Mighty fine? Really. What a weird way to word things. “Mighty Fine” is one of the least erotic things you could say, really. Is Christian going for the “Southern Gentleman” thing?
Christian braids Ana’s hair, because that’s a thing that he always does in the playroom, and then tells Ana that all she needs to do is tell him to stop, and he’ll stop. No safe words needed. I guess that’s supposed to symbolize the fact that he’s learned to control himself, and that he doesn’t feel the insatiable need to beat women anymore. I really, REALLY wish I could believe that it was that easy for people like that to change.
“Anastasia, these objects.” He holds up the butt plug. “This is a size too big. As an anal virgin, you don’t want to start with this. We want to start with this.” He holds up his pinky finger, and I gasp, shocked. Fingers…there?
Ah, yes, because putting plastic and/or silicone and/or metal things up your butt is TOTALLY FINE, but GOD FORBID your fiancé puts his finger up there.
You…you realize what this is all leading up to, right, Ana? You realize he wants to put his penis in your butt?
Knowing Ana, she probably hasn’t realized that yet, and will soon freak the fuck out about it.
Ana asks Christian how she should act, and he says she should act however she wants.
“I’m your lover, Anastasia, not your Dom. I love to hear your laugh and your girlish giggle. I like you relaxed and happy, like you are in José’s photos. That’s the girl that fell into my office. That’s the girl I fell in love with.”
YES BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO ARE THE DOM IN A BDSM RELATIONSHIP NEVER LIKE TO HEAR THEIR PARTNER GIGGLE. THEY ONLY WANT CRYING 100% OF THE TIME. NO HAPPINESS ALLOWED.
Seriously? This is the book that’s influenced thousands of people’s views on BDSM? This is what those people think BDSM is?
FUN FACT: Being in a BDSM relationship DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEVER GIGGLE OR LAUGH OR CUDDLE OR RELAX AROUND YOUR DOM.
Everyone’s relationship is different! Except if your relationship is like Ana’s and Christian’s relationship…you should break up. Right now. Because one of you is going to end up murdered.
Ugh, Christian keeps referring to his “Dom” side as his “alter ego.” Apparently everyone in this book suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder. What the actual fuck. Seriously.
Christian tells Ana to kneel on this table that’s in the room.
Oh, okay. What does he have in mind? My inner goddess can’t wait to find out–she’s already scissor-kicked onto the table and is watching him with adoration.
So…your inner goddess has finally finished somersaulting around her tiny couch, and is now…doing this…
…that is not an effective way of getting onto a table, Ana. That’s not really an effective way of travelling anywhere or doing anything other than kicking a guy in the face.
Clearly E.L. James has run out of ridiculous things for Ana’s Inner Goddess to do, so she’s just made the Inner Goddess bit SO over-the-top ridiculous that it doesn’t even kind of make sense anymore.
Christian cuffs Ana’s wrists behind her back once she’s up on the table. Ana is super turned on by this, as she’s super turned on by fucking everything.
Can one lust after one’s husband like this? I don’t remember reading about that anywhere.
Um…excuse me? Yeah, because once you get married you just are instantly no longer attracted to the person you married. That’s how marriage works, guys!