[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]
Christian playfully threatens to spank Ana because she’s like, nuzzling his jaw or whatever and he doesn’t want to jizz in his pants.
Oh! I try to hide my smile. There was a time, not very long ago, when I would have been subdued by this threat. I would never have had the nerve to kiss him, unbidden, while he was in this room. I realize now, I’m no longer intimidated by him. It’s a revelation.
…Except you 100% still ARE intimidated by him, just maybe not so much in the bedroom. Half the time when he gets mad at you (which is every 20 seconds, pretty much) you just bow your head and apologize, even when there’s literally NOTHING for you to apologize for.
But whatever. If you want to think that you’re not afraid of him, good for you. I just know you better than that.
Oh, apparently Christian doesn’t cuff Ana’s wrists behind her back, he cuffs her above her elbows, which forces her chest to stick out. Lovely. That sounds comfortable.
Christian puts an eye-mask over Ana’s eyes, so now she can’t see anything. She apparently hears him walk over to the chest of drawers, open a drawer, close it, and walk back. She says she can “sense” him in front of her. I am rolling my eyes SO HARD right now.
He starts giving Ana a massage, using some fancy, nice-smelling oil, and telling her how she’s going to be his wife and she practically orgasms right then and there at the thought.
Christian tells Ana to open her mouth, and places some kind of metal object in her mouth, something that’s apparently shaped like “an oversized baby’s pacifier”. He tells her he’s going to put it inside of her, but he doesn’t say where.
It’s a butt plug, dude. Where do you think he’s going to put it. Sometimes I forget how sexually illiterate Ana is.
He starts touching her butt, and says he’s going to put the “pacifier” inside of her, but he’s going to put it in her vagina, I guess?
He moves his fingers round and round, in and out, hitting the front wall of my vagina.
She said it.
She said the thing.
SHE SAID THE WORD VAGINA.
SHE CALLED IT BY NAME.
CHERYL MUST BE SO HAPPY!
Oh god and it’s a vibrator. Ana is going to literally have a heart attack from cumming so hard.
Instantly the plug inside me starts to vibrate–down there!
YOU LITERALLY JUST REFERRED TO YOUR VAGINA BY NAME, BUT NOW YOU’RE BACK TO THE ITALICIZED BULLSHIT AGAIN? “DOWN THERE?” SERIOUSLY? IT’S YOUR FUCKING VAGINA, GET USED TO IT YOU FUCK.
“So beautiful,” he murmurs and suddenly he gently pushes an anointed finger inside me…there! Into my backside. Fuck. It feels alien, full, forbidden…but oh…so…good.
AND NOW “THERE” IS REFERRING TO YOUR ASS?
I CAN’T KEEP THIS SHIT STRAIGHT ANYMORE.
START REFERRING TO SHIT BY NAME OR I WILL PERSONALLY POOP IN YOUR BED.
Also “anointed finger” makes it sound like the Pope blessed his finger or something. Like Jesus was like “And this is my body, which will be given up for you. And this…this is my finger, which will go up Anastasia Steele’s butt for you.”
[Did I…did I take that too far? Oh well.]
Aaaand Ana cums, very hard and very loud, like she always does, but I guess this one is even better and even MORE mind-blowing than all the other 50,000 perfect orgasms I’ve had to read about over the course of these piece-of-shit books.
Christian carries Ana over to the bed, and they cuddle while she recovers from her orgasm. Christian then changes the music and says that he wants to “make love” to Ana, and, thankfully, we don’t have to read about it. We get to jump right to the end where they’re both cumming (so we miss about 30 seconds of sex), and Ana starts crying because she starts thinking about how Christian almost died in that helicopter crash yesterday.
We have another cut, and this time we pick back up with Ana saying “We have talked and talked and talked, sitting upright together in the bed in the playroom…”
WHY DON’T WE GET TO HEAR ANY OF THIS CONVERSATION.
I don’t think we’ve ever seen the two of them have a conversation? They’re always either fucking or fighting. They never talk about their likes and dislikes, their dreams, their favorite movies…nothing. And yet we’re just supposed to believe they’re in love. They’ve known each other for maybe 2 months, know literally nothing about each other, and they’re getting married.
We do get to see a tiny glimpse of their conversation here, and the two of them just start talking about how much they love each other, and really I just want to vomit. I’m glad you two love each other, really, but I see LITERALLY NO REASON why you love each other. None. Other than the amazing sex.
Later, they decide to eat lunch (apparently it’s only the afternoon), and while Ana cooks, Christian goes to do work-things. While cooking, Ana gets a text from Kate, saying that she’s looking forward to having a “looooong chat.”
Please, for the love of God and all that is holy…please have Kate tell Ana what a phenomenally bad idea it is for her to marry Christian. Please. I beg of you.
Oh for the love of…Ana EMAILS Christian to tell him that lunch is ready.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEM.
YOU CAN’T WALK TO THE OTHER ROOM TO TELL YOUR GODDAMNED FIANCE THAT HIS LUNCH IS READY?
UUUuugggghhhh so much murder in my heart right now. I just want to murder this whole book.
And then we have a confusing cut, where Ana goes to Christian’s office to tell him that lunch is ready? Even though she already…emailed him? Okay…
I guess now she’s wearing some kind of sundress that’s really short.
“You look fantastic in it, Ana. I just don’t want anyone else to see you like that.”
AH YES YOU HAVE EXPOSED YOUR UPPER THIGHS. WHAT A WANTON SLUT YOU ARE. HOW DARE YOU EXPOSE A THOROUGHLY NON-SEXUAL PART OF YOUR BODY IN MY APARTMENT WHEN WE’RE NOT EVEN IN PUBLIC.
Christian Grey: Slut-shaming women since 2011.
And I will be the first in line to punch you, Christian. Mark my words.