Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 21 [Part 3]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I guess Christian is in his office because he’s on the phone…with Ana’s stepdad…

Apparently Christian asked Ray if he could marry Ana. Ray, naturally, wants to talk to Ana about it.

“It’s kind of sudden, don’t you think, Annie? You’ve not known him long. I mean, he’s a nice guy, knows his fishing…but so soon?”

Apparently that’s what it means to be a nice guy. “You know how to fish? Great. You can be an asshole to my daughter all you want, as long as you know shit about fishing.”

But other than that…yes, thank you Ray, speak some sense into your daughter.

Ana leaves the room so she can talk to Ray without Christian lurking over her shoulder.

“I know it’s sudden and all–but…well, I love him. He loves me. He wants to marry me, and there’ll never be anyone else for me.”

YOU HAVE KNOWN THIS GUY A GRAND TOTAL OF 2 MONTHS.

HE HAS TREATED YOU LIKE SHIT PRETTY CONSISTENTLY.

HE TOLD YOU HE ONLY LIKED YOU INITIALLY BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE HIS DEAD CRACKWHORE MOTHER, AND HE LIKES TO BEAT WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE HIS BIRTHMOTHER.

“But Caitlin, Love conquers all!”

NO. FUCK YOU. LOVE MEANS THAT YOU SHARE A MUTUAL TRUST AND RESPECT FOR ONE ANOTHER AND YOU DON’T THREATEN OR EMOTIONALLY ABUSE YOUR PARTNER.

WHAT THEY HAVE IS NOT LOVE.

WHAT THEY HAVE IS LUST. AND STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.

Ugh. Ana asks Ray to give her away at the wedding, and keeps saying how much she loves Christian and all this bullshit, and Ray starts getting all choked up and says he’ll do it and is all happy for Ana.

Please, Kate, you’re my only hope. Talk some sense into your best friend.

Finally, they go to eat lunch.

“Damn, you’re a good cook, woman.”

really black and white

 

UM.

EXCUSE ME.

I KNOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE.

BUT.

IT’S NOT REALLY FUNNY. ALSO YOU’RE ALREADY A RAGING RIVER OF SEXISM SO PARDON ME IF I SAY THAT YOU, CHRISTIAN, PROBABLY SAID THIS AS 12% JOKE AND 88% SERIOUS.

Ana, however, isn’t offended by this.

Christian finally asks Ana why she asked him not to take her picture in the playroom.

“I found your photos,” I whisper.
His eyes widen in shock. “You’ve been in the safe?” he asks, incredulous.
“Safe? No. I didn’t know you had a safe.”
He frowns. “I don’t understand.”
“In your closet. The box. I was looking for your tie, and the box was under your jeans…the ones you normally wear in the playroom.”

Apparently Ana isn’t even kind of weirded out by the fact that Christian has MORE pictures of people in some kind of safe? Because that’s, you know, normal.

Oh, apparently the photos were supposed to be in the safe, but got moved by someone? And there’s only one person who could have moved them?

“This is going to sound cold, but–they’re an insurance policy,” he whispers steeling himself for my response.
“Insurance policy?”
“Against exposure.”

I don’t…do people really give that much of a shit about whether mega-CEOs like tying people up and fucking them? I don’t know, I guess that’s not that far fetched, but I just know that if I found out that Steve Jobs liked to tie up his wife/mistress/whoever and was into BDSM and stuff, I’d be like “…cool?” and then go back to playing games on my iPhone. Do people really give a shit?

Oh, apparently Leila was the one who moved the photographs. I don’t know how Leila got the combination to his safe? I guess he has it written down somewhere, and she could have found it…but why would she put the pictures in his closet? That’s fucking weird, dude.

Christian says he’ll shred the pictures, and then he says he has a lot of work to do. I guess that’s good that he’s willing to get rid of them because they make Ana uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean he’s not an asshole, but at least he’s being less of an overt asshole right now.

After Christian goes to his office to get some work done, Ana calls her mother, who immediately assumes Ana is pregnant. Ana assures her that that isn’t the case, but her mom is still kind of weird about the idea. Of course, Carla grudgingly accepts the idea, asks whether they’ve set a date, and then says she has to go because her husband Bob is calling her. Yup, A+ mom, your daughter just called to tell you that she’s engaged and you can’t take 2 minutes to talk to her about it even though you CLEARLY think it’s not a good idea.

I think Carla is 200% of the reason why Ana is such a useless person.

“But aren’t you being sexist, calling Ana useless, since she’s a woman?”

Nope. She’s a shitty character. She’s flat and boring and can’t do anything for herself. I don’t call her useless because she’s a woman. I call her useless because she’s a boring, stupid character.

I’m glad we cleared that up, imaginary blog-critic.

Ana goes to Christian’s office and tells him she’s going to the store to get stuff to bake him a birthday cake.

“You going to put some jeans on or something?”
Oh, come on. “Christian, they’re just legs.”

THANK YOU, ANA.

THEY ARE JUST LEGS. WHO GIVES A SHIT IF YOU CAN SEE HER THIGHS. IT’S NOT LIKE HER VAGINA IS OUT.

Fucking slut-shaming, goddammit.

Ana basically tells Christian to fuck off (except much nicer, telling him to pretend they’re at the beach, where he wouldn’t be scandalized by her bare thighs), and runs for the elevator so he can’t retaliate. Apparently he looks mostly amused as she runs out the door.

Oh, that was exciting. Adrenaline is pounding through my veins, and my heart feels like it wants to exit my chest. But as the elevator descends, so do my spirits. Shit, what have I done?
I have a tiger by the tail. He’s going to be mad when I get back.

are you kidding me

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

YOU WORE CLOTHES OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE. CLOTHES THAT SHOW AN EXTRA 2 INCHES OF THIGH-SKIN. HEAVEN FORBID SOMEONE SEES YOUR THIGH-SKIN.

IS YOUR THIGH-SKIN LIKE MEDUSA’S EYES? DOES IT TURN MEN TO STONE OR SOME SHIT?

PROBABLY NOT.

WHO GIVES A FLYING SPACE-FUCK ABOUT HOW MUCH OF YOUR THIGHS ARE SHOWING.

Also.

YOU SHOULDN’T BE THAT SCARED OF YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND. THAT IS THE MAN YOU’RE GOING TO MARRY, AND YOU’RE SO SCARED OF HIM THAT GOING OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE IN A DRESS HE THINKS IS TOO SHORT IS ENOUGH TO GET YOUR ADRENALINE PUMPING. YOU’RE ACTING LIKE YOU JUST DID SOMETHING DARING, LIKE SKYDIVING. ALL YOU DID WAS LEAVE THE HOUSE WEARING A SHORT DRESS, IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL.

So much slut shaming. I swear to god. What is wrong with this book? What is wrong with everyone in this book? YOU SHOULDN’T BE THIS SCARED OF YOUR GODDAMNED BOYFRIEND.

FUCK.

fuck this and this

 

Ana comes back from the store and finds Christian still in his office. Once he gets off the phone, she goes to talk to him.

“I’m back. Are you mad at me?”
He sighs, reaches out for my hand, and pulls me into his lap, folding his arms around me. He buries his nose in my hair.
“Yes,” he says.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

YOU’RE ALLOWED TO WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU APOLOGIZING.

Oh for the love of god. Christian forgives her (EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE) and starts running his hand up her bare leg and kissing her and suddenly they’re both in Boner City and I want to vomit on the entire world.

Thank GOD we don’t have to read about that one. We skip ahead to when they’re finished, and Christian says he’ll be done with work in like half an hour. Ana goes to bake Christian his cake.

Ana sings Christian happy birthday, and they eat some cake. Nothing interesting happens.

Cut to them arriving at his parents house for his family birthday party.

They get inside, and are immediately bombarded by a furious Kate. Christian and Ana follow her into the dining room, where she begins waving a piece of paper at Ana, and saying “What the fuck is this?”

My mouth dries. Holy shit. It’s my email response to Christian, discussing the contract.

oh shit wrestler

-End of Chapter Twenty-One-

Lololol oh my goodness PLEASE GOD LET KATE BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF CHRISTIAN FOR BEING A SHITTY, SCARY, ABUSIVE PERSON.

I’m sure Ana will find a way to smooth things over and nothing bad will happen and everyone will be best friends again like 2 pages into the next chapter.

If I had my way, Kate would just fucking murder Christian and start making out with Ana and they’d ride off into the sunset holding hands and using their other hands to flip off the whole world.

See you on Monday! Maybe! Depending on my schedule!

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