Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 22 [Part 1]

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You guys…

This is it…

This is Chapter 22…

The final chapter of this book…

SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL!

Except probably not, because nothing ever actually happens in these books, and although this chapter SHOULD do something that sets up the plot for the next (and final) book, I’m sure it won’t, and the last book will just be all about Ana and Christian having gross sex for the rest of forever.

Either way…LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!

RECAP: Christian takes Ana into the Creepy Murder Room, as part of her birthday present to him. They have gross sex that involves blindfolds, vibrators, and Christian putting a finger in Ana’s butt. Ana cums, and it’s delightful, and then they cuddle and start having more sex. Afterward, Ana starts making Christian’s lunch while Christian does some work in his office. He gets kind of sassy with her because she’s wearing a really short dress, and he even says that he doesn’t want anyone else to see her like that, because apparently exposing your upper thigh is some kind of horrible sin in Christian’s eyes. Christian calls Ana’s stepdad to get his permission to marry Ana. Ray asks to talk to Ana, and is pretty apprehensive about the whole thing, since they haven’t known each other long. Ana just keeps saying that she loves Christian, so Ray finally agrees. They start eating lunch.

Ana confesses to Christian that she found his box of photos in his closet, the photos of all his ex-subs. He says that he kept the pictures as some kind of insurance policy, so he could threaten to blackmail any of those women should they try to out him. Apparently those pictures should have been in Christian’s safe, but Leila allegedly moved them, because apparently a mentally disturbed woman who can barely figure out how to speak or bathe properly can figure out the very long and complicated code to Christian’s safe. Ana goes out to get ingredients for Christian’s birthday cake. Christian is weird about her going out in that dress, but Ana basically says “fuck you” and runs out the door. Except then Ana immediately feels guilty and thinks she’s done something wrong, because apparently wearing clothes that your fiancé doesn’t approve of is again some kind of horrible sin. She immediately apologizes when she get’s home, and Christian, surprisingly, forgives her. Later, they arrive at Christian’s parents’ house for Christian’s birthday party, only to be immediately bombarded by Kate, who is furiously waving a copy of Ana’s email to Christian about the contract in their faces.

NOW LET’S GET READY TO FINISH THIS BOOK!

-Chapter Twenty-Two-

All the color drains from my face as my blood turns to ice and fear lances through my body. Instinctively I step between [Kate] and Christian.

Ana, come on, just let Kate beat the shit out of him. Please? That’s literally all I want from this chapter. I just want a chapter-long beating where Christian gets exactly what he deserves for being a sexist, abusive piece of shit.

“Kate! This is nothing to do with you.” I glare venomously at her, anger replacing my fear. How dare she do this? Not now, not today.

jon stewart judging

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘HOW DARE SHE.’

SHE’S YOUR BEST FUCKING FRIEND AND SHE FOUND AN EMAIL WHERE YOU DISCUSS WHETHER OR NOT IT’S OKAY FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND TO BEAT YOU.

SHE’S FUCKING CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR DUMB ASS.

SHOW SOME FUCKING GRATITUDE (preferably in the form of make-outs because you two are meant to be together).

I just…okay. Look. Here’s some advice from Ol’ Mama Caitlin. If your friends don’t approve of something your boyfriend/lover/husband/whatever is doing/has done, they’re probably right to feel that way. I remember awhile back, I got cheated on, and instead of immediately telling my friends about it I hid it from them, because I knew they’d be mad at him and I didn’t want them to hate him. Instead of being worried that my friends would hate him, I should have immediately told them about it, and then I should have dumped his ass and gone on a magical whirlwind adventure with my besties, because they care about me a whole lot, and if they hated him, it would be for VERY GOOD REASONS.

So basically, your friends (usually) care about you a whole lot, so it is 100% their business to be worried about you if you seem to be putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. And Ana has DEFINITELY put herself in a potentially dangerous situation.

So maybe, JUST MAYBE, Ana should sit the fuck down and listen to Kate because Kate is one of the only people in this godforsaken book that seems to realize how much of a fucking psychopath Christian is.

ANYWAY.

Ana hands Christian the email, after Christian refuses to leave so Ana can discuss this with Kate in private. I mean, I think Christian should be there for the discussion, but I also think it’s kind of shitty that when Christian yells at Ana to leave and she doesn’t listen, he freaks the fuck out at her, but if HE refuses to leave when she asks him to, that’s perfectly within his rights.

“What’s he done to you?” Kate asks, ignoring Christian. She looks so apprehensive. I flush as a myriad of erotic images flit quickly across my mind.
“That’s none of your business, Kate.”

EXCEPT IT TOTALLY IS HER BUSINESS BECAUSE SHE’S WORRIED ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING AND SHE THINKS HE IS ABUSIVE, WHICH IS A PRETTY ACCURATE ASSUMPTION.

“But Ana has consented to everything Christian asks!”

LOL EXCEPT IT’S NOT CONSIDERED CONSENT IF SHE’S TOO SCARED TO SAY NO.

AND ANA IS 100% TERRIFIED OF CHRISTIAN.

[Kate] is a beacon of hostility in a slinky, bright red dress. She looks magnificent.

now kiss

Ana is so in lesbians with Kate it’s not even funny.

Christian asks Kate if she’s told anyone. Kate says she hasn’t. Christian then lights the copy of the email on fire and throws it in the fireplace.

“I just want to know you’re okay, Ana,” she whispers.

Ana I swear to god if you’re a dick to Kate after she said that, I will personally pee in your mouth because you are a shitty friend.

“I’m fine, Kate. More than fine.  Please, Christian and I are good, really good–this is old news. Please ignore it.”

EXCEPT YOU’RE NOT “REALLY GOOD” BECAUSE HE GOT MAD AT YOU TODAY FOR WEARING A DRESS THAT HE FUCKING BOUGHT FOR YOU. AND YOU HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR WEARING SAID DRESS OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE. YOU HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO HIM FOR WEARING CLOTHES, ANA. THAT IS NOT “REALLY GOOD.”

Christian puts an arm around Ana and announces to Kate that they’re getting married. Because apparently this conversation was taking too long for Christian and he just had to interrupt. You’d think that, since Kate is Ana’s friend, it would be ANA’S decision when/how to tell her, but whatever.

Forget it–please. I love him and he loves me. Don’t do this. Don’t ruin his party and our night,” I whisper. She blinks and unexpectedly her eyes are shining with tears.
“No. Of course I won’t. You’re okay?” She wants reassurance.
“I’ve never been happier,” I whisper.

What’s with all the whispering?

And Ana, just because this is the happiest you’ve ever been doesn’t necessarily mean that this is as good as it gets, and it DEFINITELY doesn’t mean you should just brush off Kate’s concern. If Kate is concerned, she has a good reason to be concerned. You should fucking listen to her.

Kate apologizes profusely (even though I don’t think she has anything to really apologize for).

She looks at Christian and repeats her apology. He nods at her, his eyes glacial, and his expression does not change. Oh shit, he’s still mad.

are you serious

Um, excuse me, what is he mad about? Is he mad because Kate was concerned about Ana’s well-being? Oh yes, how dare Ana have friends that are concerned about her. How dare anyone doubt how perfect Christian is.

Seriously what the fuck is wrong with him. What the fuck is wrong with this entire book. Why does any of this exist.

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