Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 22 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So after their little argument, Grace comes in to give Christian a birthday hug. They all leave the room together to go to the party.

“Christian, I really do apologize,” Kate says humbly. Humble Kate is something to behold.

Maybe Kate is just being humble because she’s afraid Christian is going to murder her.

They walk into the main room…hall…whatever the fuck it is, and are greeted by a deafening round of applause. Apparently the entire fucking world came to Christian’s birthday party. Including…oh good…Mrs. Robinson.

Christian snags 2 glasses of champagne for him and Ana, and then Elena rushes up to him to tell him how worried she was about him. She asks why he didn’t call her, and Christian just says he’s been busy. Elena finally says hello to Ana, and seems very fake about it. Christian says he needs to make an announcement, so Elena grudgingly steps back.

Christian announces that he and Ana are engaged, and everyone claps again.

As Ana glances around the room, she notices that several of the women there look “crestfallen,” and one in particular looks like she’s “eaten something nasty and bitter.” Apparently fucking everyone wanted to marry Christian. Trust me, ladies, you dodged a bullet here.

Elena, of course, looks “stunned–horrified even.” As much as I hate siding with Ana on anything, I do share Ana’s feeling of satisfaction.

Christian’s whole family starts hugging Ana and being really happy and shit. I really do not care about any of it. Dr. Flynn finds them and congratulates Christian, and Ana get’s to meet Dr. Flynn’s wife, Rhian.

“That was one googly you bowled there, Christian,” Dr. Flynn shakes his head in amused disbelief. Christian frowns at him.
“John–you and your cricket metaphors.” Rhian rolls her eyes.

APPARENTLY THAT’S WHAT BRITISH PEOPLE DO. THEY JUST THROW OUT RANDOM CRICKET METAPHORS FOR NO REAL REASON.

IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY? BECAUSE IT’S NOT.

I mean, I’m really into hockey, but I’m not going to spout random hockey references every five seconds.

I just don’t even know how to react to that. I have no idea what I just read, and, frankly, I don’t give a fuck. I’m not going to go google what  “googly” is in cricket, because I DO NOT FUCKING CARE, AND THAT REFERENCE LITERALLY DOES NOTHING FOR THE STORY. It’s just stupid. I guess that was supposed to be a joke or something, maybe E.L. James thought she was being clever, but it’s not clever. It’s cringe-worthy, if anything.

Ros, Christian’s business parter…? or whatever? comes over to join them, and is accompanied by her girlfriend, Gwen.

I mean, it’s a small gesture, but it’s pretty cool that there are some non-straight characters in here, even if they aren’t really characters. And they’re not really defined by their sexuality, so that’s neat.

They’re informed that dinner is served, and everyone moves to the dining room. Mia pulls Ana aside to give her a lemon martini courtesy of Christian’s dad, which is apparently “much nicer than champagne.” I guess it’s really strong, so Ana is going to get hammered at this party. Oh goody. I’m sure Christian will get unreasonably upset at her for that.

Then Mia starts asking Ana for advice, because Ethan, Kate’s brother, doesn’t want to date her, and I guess that’s some huge problem. Oh, gee, a person doesn’t want to date you. What a terrible situation. I guess Ethan is weirded out because Kate is dating Elliot, and he thinks it’s kind of incestuous? Idk whatever.

“Can you agree to be friends and give it some time? I mean you’ve only just met him.”

OMG ANA WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE YOUR OWN FUCKING ADVICE.

Also that’s actually really good advice. Weird. Did not expect that from Ana.

Mia is skeptical, especially because of how Ana and Christian’s relationship happened, but Ana tells her to try the friendship route, and also tells her to go talk to Kate about it. Mia leaves, and Ana turns to go to dinner, only to run into…Elena.

dramatic chipmunk

 

Elena breezes into the room, her face taut, set in grim, angry determination. She closes the door quietly behind her and scowls at me.

Oh shit.

Shit is about to GO DOWN.

“I would offer you my heartfelt congratulations, but I think that would be inappropriate” Her piercing cold blue eyes stare frostily into mine, filled with loathing.
“I neither need nor want your congratulations, Elena. I’m surprised and disappointed to see you here.”

Oh SHIT.

“What on earth do you think you’re doing, consenting to marry Christian? If you think for one minute you can make him happy, you’re very much mistaken.”
“What I’m consenting to do with Christian is none of your concern.”

OHHH SHIIIITTTT.

“You’re nothing but a sick child molester, and if it was up to me, I’d toss you into the seventh circle of hell and walk away smiling. Now get out of my way–or do I have to make you?”

oh snap

“How dare you judge our lifestyle? You know nothing, and you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into. And if you think he’s going to be happy with a mousy little gold-digger like you…”
That’s it! I throw the rest of my lemon martini in her face, drenching her.

yes JLaw

FUCK. YEAH.

Oh shit, and then Christian shows up. Elena starts trying to tell Christian that Ana isn’t right for him, but Christian isn’t having any of it.

“How the fuck do you know what’s right for me?”
“You have needs, Christian,” she says her voice softer.
“I’ve told you before–this is none of your fucking business,” he roars. Oh crap–Very Angry Christian has reared his not-so-ugly head. People are going to hear.
“What is this?” He pauses, glaring at her. “Do you think it’s you? You? You think you’re right for me?”

Ohhh shiiiiittttt son! SHIT IS GETTING SO REAL RIGHT NOW AND IT IS MAKING ME SO HAPPY.

“I was the best thing that ever happened to you,” she hisses arrogantly at him. “Look at you now. One of the richest, most successful, entrepreneurs in the US–controlled, driven–you need nothing. You are master of your universe.”

Okay, it was kind of cool the first time that happened, when Ana used “Master of The Universe” or “My universe” or whatever it was, the title of the fanfiction that these books are based on, but it’s happened like 3 other times since then and now it’s just…cheesy. And stupid. And no one gives a shit.

“You loved it, Christian, don’t try and kid yourself. You were on the road to self-destruction, and I saved you from that, saved you from a life behind bars. Believe me, baby, that’s where you would have ended up. I taught you everything you know, everything you need.”

Someone here clearly has much too high of an opinion of herself.

“You taught me how to fuck, Elena. But it’s empty, like you. No wonder Linc left.”

OH SHIT. LINC WAS HER HUSBAND AND HE LEFT HER.

SHIIIIIT SON. SHIIIIIIIIT.

“You never once held me,” Christian whispers. “You never once said you loved me.”
She narrows her eyes. “Love is for fools, Christian.”
“Get out of my house.” Grace’s implacable, furious voice startles us. Three heads swing rapidly to where Grace stands on the threshold of the room.

oh shit les mis

OH MY GOSH I SHOULD HAVE MADE SOME POPCORN BEFORE READING THIS CHAPTER. THIS SHIT IS SO INSANE.

See, this part of the book isn’t half bad! The writing still isn’t too great, but there’s an actual plot and things are happening and I’m feeling emotions! And there’s something actually at stake!!

Does this part redeem the rest of this shitstorm of a series? Of course not. But even in the biggest bile of shit, there’s always a gem buried in there somewhere. And by “gem” I mean a broken plastic ring that came out of one of those vending machine things that costs a quarter. But hey, compared to the rest of the shit, that broken plastic ring looks pretty good!

[Grace’s] eyes blaze with fury, never once leaving Elena, until she stands before her. Elena’s eyes widen in alarm, and Grace slaps her hard across the face, the sound of the impact resounding off the walls of the dining room.
“Take your filthy paws off my son, you whore, and get out of my house–now!” she hisses through gritted teeth.

AWW SHIT, GRACE! KICK HER ASS!

Except Elena runs from the room before Grace gets a chance. Boo. I would have paid so much money to see that fight.

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2 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 22 [Part 2]

  1. love this recap! the only thing is that I’m pretty sure the only reason James made Ros gay was to give a reason why she isn’t attracted to him and why Ana doesn’t have to be threatened by her. Because if anyone isn’t guy isn’t in love with ana (like the really terribly stereotypically gay hair dresser) or if any girl isn’t in love with christian, it has to be because they are gay.

    • I 100% didn’t even think of that. You’re totally right, literally the only people who aren’t in love with Christian or Ana are either gay, or related to them. Ughhh this series gets exponentially more infuriating every 5 seconds, haha. Thanks for pointing this out!

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