Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Prologue

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

From Amazon.com:

When unworldly student Anastasia Steele first encountered the driven and dazzling young entrepreneur Christian Grey it sparked a sensual affair that changed both of their lives irrevocably. Shocked, intrigued, and, ultimately, repelled by Christian’s singular erotic tastes, Ana demands a deeper commitment. Determined to keep her, Christian agrees.

Now, Ana and Christian have it all—love, passion, intimacy, wealth, and a world of possibilities for their future. But Ana knows that loving her Fifty Shades will not be easy, and that being together will pose challenges that neither of them would anticipate. Ana must somehow learn to share Christian’s opulent lifestyle without sacrificing her own identity. And Christian must overcome his compulsion to control as he wrestles with the demons of a tormented past.

Just when it seems that their strength together will eclipse any obstacle, misfortune, malice, and fate conspire to make Ana’s deepest fears turn to reality.

This book is intended for mature audiences.

Lol. I love that this review implies that Ana and Christian are somehow good together. They have “strength” together? Really? I’m pretty sure they’re either fucking or fighting every 5 seconds, I don’t really consider that a “strong” relationship.

I also love that one of the main conflicts of this book is “omg Ana has to figure out how to be rich!”

What a dilemma. So does that count as a Man Vs. Society conflict? Or is this just an Anastasia Steele vs. Becoming The Stupidest Woman Alive conflict.

Reading this series is a Caitlin’s Brain Cells vs. Eternal Stupidity conflict. Jesus.

Fun fact: The cover of this book features a set of handcuffs.

$2,000 says Christian will handcuff Ana at some point in this book and it will make me want to vomit on the world.

Anyway. So. Recap of the end of the last book:

Kate freaks out because she found one of Ana’s emails to Christian about the contract. Ana basically tells Kate that she’s stupid, Christian is all cold and glaring, and Kate is finally like “as long as you’re happy I’m okay, I just worry” and apologizes even though the only thing she has to apologize for is being a good friend. They go to Christian’s birthday dinner, which turns out to be a huge fucking deal. We meet a lot of people, including Ros, Christian’s business friend/coworker/whatever who is SURPRISE a lesbian (as Scummy48 pointed out, Ros is probably only a lesbian in order to explain why she’s not trying to throw herself at Christian). Christian announces their engagement. Most people look happy, except for some women in the room who are mad that they don’t get to marry Christian (because he’s God’s Gift to Women, remember?). Ana goes out into the hall and runs into Elena, who is PISSED. They exchange some words, and then Christian appears, and Christian calls Elena out on her bullshit and is like “OMG YOU NEVER LOVED MEEEEE” and Elena is like “lmfao love is for loserrrssss” and then Grace overhears everything and is like “TEH FUQ U SAY BITCH.”

These are all direct quotes, by the way.

Grace kicks Elena out and then has a chat with Christian in which she is very mad at him. Ana sneaks upstairs to Christian’s old bedroom so she can be sad and think about things for like 20 fucking minutes. Christian finds her. They sit on the stairs and think about things together. Then they go back to the party. The party ends, and Christian takes Ana out to the boathouse to “show her something.” This something is, disappointingly, not a pile of dead bodies, but is in fact a shitload of flowers. Christian formally proposes to Ana, and Ana says yes to him again. They kiss and junk. Ana thinks about how they are “meant to be” which is bullshit but whatever.

Cut to a different scene. Jack Hyde is sitting in a car outside the party, smoking a cigarette and drinking and being mad about shit. Jack thinks about how “his chance will come soon.” And that’s the end of that book.

TIME FOR BOOK 3!

HOME STRETCH, GUYS.

WE CAN DO THIS!

-Prologue-

Oh for the love of FUCK. It’s in baby-Christian’s point of view again.

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy is asleep on the floor. She has been asleep for a long time. I brush her hair because she likes that. She doesn’t wake up.

I FUCKING HATE THIS GIMMICKY BULLSHIT.

WHY IS THIS FROM CHRISTIAN’S PERSPECTIVE.

ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT CHRISTIAN REMEMBERS THIS?

HE WAS FUCKING 2 YEARS OLD.

I SORT OF DOUBT HE REMEMBERS THIS IN THIS MUCH DETAIL.

I’ve read an entire book that was written in this kind of style (from the POV of a small child), and even though that book was a thousand times better written than this one, it was still fucking annoying. If you’re interested, go read the book Room by Emma Donoghue. It is really interesting, although the point of view is kind of…I don’t know, cloying is I guess the best term for it. It’s written from 5-year-old Jack’s point of view, and Jack has spent his whole life in a single room with his mom, because a man named “Old Nick” holds them prisoner there.  See, in that book there’s a reason it’s told from Jack’s POV. It’s more interesting to see what Jack thinks of everything because his understanding is so limited and it’s interesting to see this horrifying situation through his eyes.

This whole baby-Christian thing is just…I don’t know. We already know what happened. He found his crack-whore mother dead when he was a toddler. I don’t know why we need to hear it in his perspective, especially considering the fact that HE’S 2 OR 3 YEARS OLD IN THIS SITUATION SO HOW DOES HE EVEN HAVE THE MENTAL CAPACITY TO DESCRIBE ALL OF THIS.

I search for something to eat. In the freezer I find peas. They are cold. I eat them slowly. They make my tummy hurt.

Oh yes, this is so riveting. I can’t tell you how interesting it is that baby-Christian is eating frozen peas. PLOT TWIST they make his tummy hurt. Wow. Groundbreaking piece of literature right here.

So then his mom’s pimp shows up and swears a lot and kicks Christian and calls the cops and then leaves.

The lady policeman is here. No. No. No. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me.

Um…what even triggered this response? Why doesn’t he want anyone to touch him all of a sudden? Just because he got kicked in the head? Is that how trauma works?

Oh. Apparently this was a dream.

“Christian! Christian!” Her voice is urgent, pulling him from the depths of his nightmare, the depths of his despair. “I’m here. I’m here.”
He wakes and she’s leaning over him, grasping his shoulders, shaking him, her face etched with anguish, blue eyes wide and brimming with tears.

Since when does Ana have blue eyes? Seriously. When did that happen. I guess I’m just really unobservant, haha.

Also WHY THE FUCK IS THIS SECTION IN 3RD PERSON.

WHY.

STICK TO ONE POINT OF VIEW. JESUS. WHY DID YOU PUT THIS IN 3RD PERSON WHEN LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE IS IN 1ST PERSON. YOU DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE.

FUCK.

“Please let’s not fight.” His voice is hoarse as he wraps his arms around her.
“Okay.”
“The vows. No obeying. I can do that. We’ll find a way.”

And of course they’re already arguing about vows. You guys seriously argue about everything. Maybe this doesn’t bode well for your relationship? Maybe you should have waited longer than TWO MONTHS before deciding to get married?

“Yes. We will. We’ll always find a way,” she whispers and her lips are on his, silencing him, bringing him back to the now.

Ughhh or you could NOT find a way and could just break up and call it a day. How’s that sound?

-End of the Prologue-

Not even one full chapter in and I already want to murder everyone! Hurray!

Seriously. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this book.

One semi-chapter in and I’m already like…

blam fake suicide

Wish me luck!

See you on Wednesday!

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