Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 1 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Christian swims away from Ana, away from the beach, to go do…who knows what. Swim in deeper water, I guess. Ana heads back to shore, trying to come up with a way to get back at Christian for not having sex with her, because I guess she’s spent too long in Christian’s company and has begun acting like him.

Oh…

Oh no.

Hmm…I lie down on my front and, fumbling with the straps, take my bikini top off and toss it casually onto Christian’s sun lounger.

shakes head

 

YUP HAH HAH WHAT A GOOD IDEA ANA.

LET’S PROVOKE THE MAN WHO CLEARLY HAS NO QUALMS ABOUT ABUSING YOU. THE MAN WHO HAS A HISTORY OF USING SEX AS A MEANS OF PUNISHMENT.

WHAT

A

FABULOUS

IDEA.

I think I’ve said this before, but I want to say it again: while I fully believe that it is Ana’s right to wear or not wear whatever she wants, it is also fucking stupid of her to deliberately do things against Christian’s wishes because he is fucking scary. Ana should have the right to wear whatever she wants and all, and it should be Christian’s job to fucking deal with it because it’s not his body and he has no right to say anything, HOWEVER, Christian grey is a dangerous lunatic, and deliberately provoking him is stupid, just like poking a lion in the mouth with your genitalia is stupid.

I just don’t want you guys to think that I’m trying to slut-shame Ana by calling her stupid for taking her top off even though Christian told her expressly not to do that. I don’t think Ana is doing something wrong or is being a slut. But I DO think Christian is a very scary person and if you choose to spend time with him, you’re putting yourself in very real danger if you choose to break his rules.

ANYWAY.

Ana falls asleep, topless, on her chair.

Oh great. Another flashback.

“You may kiss the bride,” Reverend Walsh announces.
I beam at my husband.
“Finally, you’re mine,” he whispers and pulls me into his arms and kisses me chastely on the lips.
I am married. I am Mrs. Christian Grey. I am giddy with joy.

hey look someone who gives a fuck

But seriously, this is all we get of the wedding? That’s it? The end of it? This is one of the biggest days of Ana’s stupid life, and you just fucking skipped it. Skipped all of it. The fuck is wrong with you.

We skip ahead to the reception, where Ana gets sad while watching Ray and her mom dance together. Of course, what could be a pretty interesting, poignant moment of realization for Ana, gets ruined by thoughts of Christian and how much she loves him.

She was so close to realizing that they married too quickly. Sooo cloooosssseeeee.

Kate comes over to talk to Ana. Ugh, why can’t it be Kate and Ana getting married? Whatever. Kate tries to reassure Ana, and says “and if he hurts one hair on your head, he’ll have me to answer to.” That’s a sweet sentiment, Kate, but I doubt you’d be able to do anything, because Ana would never tell you that he hurt her, and by the time you found out about it, Ana would be murdered, probably.

Christian shows up and tells Ana he wants to leave, because “I don’t want to share you with all these people anymore.”

IT’S HER FUCKING PARTY. IF SHE WANTS TO STAY, SHE CAN STAY, YOU ASSHOLE. YOU CAN WAIT 2 FUCKING SECONDS BEFORE TEARING ANA’S CLOTHES OFF, CAN’T YOU?

Also way to try and separate Ana from her friends and family, Christian. Isn’t that something that abusers do in abusive relationships? OH WAIT IT IS TOTALLY A THING THAT ABUSERS DO IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS.

So fucking ridiculous.

Christian finally gets Ana to leave, except he says she’s not allowed to take her wedding dress off, because he wants to be the one to undress her. Because, in case you forgot, he’s a controlling bag of dicks.

Taylor drives them to the airport, where they’re going to take Christian’s private jet, because fuck you, poor people, you don’t get any money because all these rich bastards are busy having private fucking jets.

Ana has no idea where they’re flying, but the pilot mentions Boston, and then Shannon, as in Ireland, and Christian says he plans to “sleep through it all.”

Oh, apparently they’re going to London. Christian’s just revealed it. Apparently that’s Ana’s life-long dream. After London, they’ll go to Paris, and the South of France.

While on the plane, they have a really fancy dinner made for them (they have so much fucking money it’s disgusting).

OH FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK there’s a bedroom on the plane. SINCE WHEN DO PLANES COME WITH BEDROOMS WHAT THE FUCK.

“I thought we’d spend our wedding night at thirty-five-thousand feet. It’s something I’ve never done before.”

GOOD FOR YOU. WOW. I HOPE YOU FALL OUT OF THE PLANE.

And now Christian starts undoing Ana’s hair. And then he gives her a lot of kisses on her neck while telling her that she belongs to him and all that crap. And then he starts taking off her dress, and underneath she’s wearing a corset and other such things, and I can practically hear the sound of Christian’s boner springing out of his pants.

His lips find mine, his hands curling around my head, holding me, stilling me as our tongues glory in each other.

tgs puke gif

This is so gross, you guys. What the fuck.

He stands swiftly and in one efficient move dispenses with his pants and boxer briefs so that he’s gloriously naked and looming large and ready over me.

Stooppp. STOOOPPPP. This is too gross. I can’t handle this. Ugh. “Gloriously naked?” “Looming large”? “Looming” is not a particularly sexy word. I really don’t want any dicks looming over me, thanks.

Ughhhh and they keep calling each other Mr. or Mrs. Grey, or Husband or Wife, and all of it makes me want to throw up. I get it. You’re married. You’re happy about it. Chill the fuck out.

“Ana, oh Ana,” he breathes and he starts to move.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Christian shouts, waking me from my very pleasant dream.

WHAT THE FUCK.

THERE WASN’T EVEN A PAGE BREAK OR A LINE OR ANYTHING.

JUST WOOPS NOW WE’RE OUT OF THE FLASHBACK.

That was so confusing.

In other news…this is bad, y’all.

He’s standing all wet and beautiful at the end of my sun lounger and glaring down at me.
What have I done? Oh no…I’m lying on my back…Crap, crap, crap and he’s mad. Shit. He’s really mad.

Looks like this book is quickly going to be about how Christian murder’s Ana and then how he tries to cover it up.

-End of Chapter One-

WELP. I hope you all are ready to witness a murder at the beginning of the next chapter!

See you on Friday! Hopefully!

2 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 1 [Part 2]

  1. Ana is an idiot. they truly deserve each other.

    At least they’re just stupid, unlike Bared To You, which is… exactly like this, except it’s more blatantly abusive. Scary.

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