Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 5 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

At the rate I’ve been posting, we won’t be done with this book until fucking June. Sorry about that. Hopefully this week will be better, since I’m off work (except for teaching dance, and after this week I’ll be off of both my jobs until January 6th, which sucks but whatever).

Also, I think next week for Christmas I might post a liveblog of one of the bonus chapters at the end of this book called “Fifty’s First Christmas.” It seems appropriate, and I think we could all use some good, vomit-inducing crap to read before we enjoy a day with our families. Unless you don’t celebrate Christmas, which is fine, in which case you can just read some good, vomit-inducing crap before you read a book or watch some netflix or something. It’s all good.

Anyway, let’s get started!

RECAP: Christian is in his study doing god knows what (probably “business,” since his company can’t seem to survive more than 4 hours without him calling/emailing someone about something), and Ana gets bored, because apparently she’s no longer interested in reading or any of the other solitary activities she usually enjoys. She decides she wants to take the jet ski to go shopping (which is an activity that screams “RICH BASTARD” louder than anything I’ve ever encountered), except Taylor knows that Christian wouldn’t be down with that. Ana pretends to ask Christian, just to appease Taylor, and then takes the jet ski. Christian sees them leave, and he seems pissed. What a shocker. He calls Taylor, very irate, and then Ana calls him and immediately apologizes because apparently she feels bad for breaking one of his bullshit rules. Christian, surprisingly, says it’s okay, and tells her to have a good time and to “come back in one piece.”

Ana goes out shopping and buys some cheap little jingly bracelet, because she’s soOoOoOo quirky and unique. She then stops to buy Christian a present, but she needs to call José to help pick one out. SPOILER: it’s a camera. What a shocker. She gets back to the boat and gives Christian the camera, and awkwardly says that maybe he could take pictures of her. What ensues is a very awkward and poorly communicated conversation between the 2 of them, where Christian actually admits to objectifying women, and both of them are very confused about the whole thing. Christian gets moody and weird, and Ana decides (for no reason) that it has to do with the welts on her wrists from their gross punishment sex. Ana says it doesn’t matter, that she liked it, which is beside the point because SHE DIDN’T CONSENT TO IT MOTHERFUCKERS. I’m still so pissed about that, you have literally no idea. Christian pins Ana to the bed and starts tickling her, and it’s actually kind of cute until he gets a boner. They have sex for 20 seconds, and then start discussing what is bothering Christian. Apparently the fire (that was either at his parent’s house or his office, not sure which) was officially arson (WOW I HAD NO IDEA), and Christian thinks the person is after him/Ana. There’s a random flashback of them at Versailles, followed by a weird dream of Ana’s where they’re in the Hall of Mirrors and Christian walks away and apparently this is literally horrifying to Ana, so horrifying that she wakes up all crazy-eyed, looking for Christian. Christian holds her, and she falls back asleep.

……I’m really bad at brief summaries. I apologize.

-Chapter Five-

Ana wakes up to find Christian missing. Except actually he’s not missing, he’s just not in bed, because he’s creepily watching her from a chair next to the bed.

In case you forgot that this book is a Twilight fanfiction, here’s your proof: both Christian and Edward share a penchant for watching their girlfriends/wives while they sleep.

Christian gets into bed with Ana and says something about how Ana has been “so jumpy” the past few days. Ana says she’s okay.

Apparently she was talking in her sleep though? And saying how worried she is about the arson business? Idk. I don’t know how often people talk in their sleep, but it seems like most people say gibberish when they talk in their sleep. I could be wrong about that, but this whole sleep-talking business seems a little far-fetched.

Ana remembers that they’re going back to Seattle today, and she’s instantly really sad.

We’ve had a blissful honeymoon. With a few ups and downs, I admit, but that’s normal for a newly married couple, surely?

jon stewart judging

Um. No. No, that’s not normal, Ana.

Punishment sex and wrist welts and screaming and throwing things and emotional abuse/manipulation are not normal “ups and downs” for anyone. I don’t know how you can really call this whole experience “blissful” when you were yelling and throwing shit at your husband just 2 days ago.

But I guess that WOULD be blissful compared to his normal routine of bullshit.

For their last day, Christian decides that they’ll go out on the jet ski. They banter playfully about Ana’s driving skills, and I guess I’m supposed to be amused and charmed by this exchange, but really it’s just annoying and stupid and frustrating how Christian thinks Ana isn’t capable of doing really anything for herself (which may or may not be true, but still).

They take off, going really fast, and there’s a few paragraphs of sheer, boring description of where they are and what they see. Bleh. Who gives a shit.

A jet flies overhead and scares Ana, causing her to fuck something up, flinging herself (and Christian) off the jet ski and into the Mediterranean. But they’re fine, and then it gets kind of weird because they start making sexual innuendos, and then they decide to head back to the boat.

Suddenly they’re in the airport. Nothing interesting happens.

And suddenly they’re home, and Christian is waking Ana up in the car, picking her up and saying that he needs to carry her over the threshold.

“Up all thirty floors?” I give him a challenging smile.
“Mrs. Grey, I am very pleased to announce that you’ve put on some weight.”
“What?”
He grins. “So if you don’t mind, we’ll use the elevator.”

“HEY THERE FATTY-FAT WIFE. YOU’RE TOO FAT FOR ME TO CARRY, EVEN THOUGH I WORK OUT ALL THE TIME AND CAN LIFT A CAR WITH ONE HAND. FATTY LUMPKINS HAHA YOU’RE FAT.”

I know, I know, I’m overreacting. But…that’s ridiculous. And rude.

Although, considering Ana’s weird semi-eating disorder where she refuses to eat unless Christian literally forces her to, maybe her putting on weight is a good thing.

“You’ve put on some of the weight you lost when you left me,” he says quietly as he summons the elevator.

YOU WERE BROKEN UP FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF LIKE 3 DAYS, YOU OVER-DRAMATIC COCK-DOODLE.

HOW MUCH WEIGHT CAN A PERSON LOSE IN 3 DAYS. ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

so fucking done

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