Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 5 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

He carries her over the threshold and sets her down in the kitchen, where he then pours them both some champagne. They then decide to go to bed, but thankfully we don’t have to read about their post-honeymoon celebration sex.

Ana wakes up early in the morning, and we’re subjected to several pages of her thoughts about the arson situation, and about how amazing and “delicious” and perfect Christian is. Gag me.

Christian wakes up and asks what’s wrong. Ana says she can’t sleep.

“I have the universal panacea right here, just for you, baby.” He grins like a schoolboy, making me roll my eyes and giggle at the same time. And just like that my dark thoughts are swept aside and my teeth find his earlobe.

Um…okay…? Who uses words like “panacea” immediately upon waking? I have a hard time forming sentences when I first wake up, let alone pulling out a word like that.

Yet again, we don’t have to read about the sex. Thank goodness.

Suddenly they’re on their way to Christian’s parents’ house to have lunch with the whole family. They banter/bicker about cars and driving and whatever. None of it is really worth reporting.

At lunch, Ana is distracted and moody, and apparently Christian notices.

“I am going to take you to the boathouse and finally spank you in there if you don’t snap out of this mood,” Christian whispers to me.

stop

I know he’s kidding but COME. ON. He’s mostly NOT kidding, and also THREATENING TO SPANK SOMEONE ISN’T GOING TO GET THEM OUT OF THEIR BAD MOOD.

MAYBE TRY ASKING WHAT’S FUCKING WRONG, YOU DICK.

But, of course, this makes Ana feel less weird and sad. I mean, if it were me, I’d just get MORE pissed off, but Ana isn’t like other girls, and I guess this is proof.

They go inside once it starts raining, and Christian starts playing the piano and singing, and his family is all super shocked because they’ve never heard him sing before.

I guess this is supposed to be character development. Too bad it doesn’t make any sense. Why does it matter that he’s singing? I singing something that only mentally stable people can do? We’re supposed to assume that being with Ana has brought about this change, but what about Ana makes him want to sing? Why is he singing in front of his family all of a sudden?

NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE.

They leave the party, and, in a surprising twist, Christian let’s Ana drive.

You know your book is boring if the “surprising twist” is someone’s husband letting them drive his car.

And suddenly, they’re being followed. And Taylor and the rest of the security team are nowhere to be seen in the rear-view mirror. I’m not going to lie, this is exciting.

Apparently the car behind them has fake license plates, and that’s how they know they’re being followed? Except I don’t know how they know that.

There’s not much to report here, other than the fact that this car chase is actually the most interesting part of these books thus far. Well, except for the whole Jack Hyde scene where he tried to assault Ana and Ana kicked his ass. As much as I hate Christian, I hate Jack Hyde way more. I will say this for E.L. James, she does know how to write a truly awful villain.

Ana asks Christian if he’s ever gotten a ticket. He says no, but that he’s been stopped before.

“Charm, Mrs. Grey. It all comes down to charm.”

By “charm” I’m sure you mean “having a shitload of money that I can throw at all my problems until those problems go away.”

They get off the highway and the car is still following them, so Christian tells Ana to pull into a parking lot.

“Drive around. Quick,” Christian orders. I drive as fast as I can to the back, out of sight of the street. “In there.” Christian points to a space. Shit! He wants me to park it. Crap!
“Just fucking do it,” he says. So I do…perfectly. Probably the only time I have ever parked perfectly.

So…what, Ana is just a stunt driver now?

Also, maybe you should try not being an asshole to the woman who just drove like a fucking boss and potentially saved your ass? Way to be a dick, Christian.

They hear from the security people that the “unsub” (unknown subject) has gone right past the parking lot and is headed for Christian’s apartment at Escala. They’re both very relieved, and Ana starts crying. Christian pulls her into his lap to hold her, which is actually a pretty sweet moment between the two of them.

They start kissing. And, as I guess we should have expected, the kissing leads to some far more intimate things.

I’m not going to lie to you all. This car sex scene is pretty hot. I don’t really understand why they have to bone immediately after taking part in a very dangerous high-speed chase, but whatever.

Except then Christian starts telling Ana to “Be. Quick.” because “We need to do this quick, Ana.” And suddenly my boner is killed. That kind of demand isn’t sexy. She knows you need to be quick, you’re in a public parking lot, idiot. She’s not stupid. Also, you both orgasm in like 15 seconds every time, I don’t think you need to worry.

They both cum. It’s great, of course. And then Christian gets out and goes to sit in the driver’s side.

Hmm…no mention is made of what they do with his…um…jizz. There’s no really good word for that, is there? I guess semen is okay, but idk. Anyway, he obviously came inside her, but I guess she’s just going to have it leak out all over her dress and the seat.

I know it’s a minor detail, but…I mean…that’s a pretty important part of the process.

I’m probably the only person who’s ever read this book and asked what they did with his semen, haha.

Christian makes a call, and they find out that the driver of the car is a female. I’d been assuming that it’s Jack Hyde, but apparently it’s not, which is a surprise.

They start heading home.

“I really like this car,” I murmur.
“Me too. And I like how you handled it–and how you managed not to break it.”

grumpy cat

“Managed to not break it?” SHE SAVED YOUR ASS, YOU TREE-OF-DICKS. GIVE HER A LITTLE CREDIT FOR BEING A BADASS, JESUS.

They get to the apartment and pull into the parking garage. While down there they meet some new neighbor who’s just moved in named Noah Logan. They’re polite to him, even though, to me, he seems a little suspicious. I mean, you can’t be suspicious of everyone you meet, but with the arson and the car chase and all that…idk…it just seems shady.

They get on the elevator, and Ana says something about how she wants some rough sex, and Christian agrees to oblige her.

-End of Chapter Five-

Well. The next chapter is sure to be repulsive. Can’t wait.

Who knows when I’ll get the next chapter up, though. I’ll try and get it up on Wednesday, but no guarantees.

Thank you guys for reading! If you’ve got any comments or questions, be sure to leave them in the comments section!

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3 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 5 [Part 2]

  1. Noooo!! I’ve been addicted to your blog and have read the posts for all three books in just a couple of weeks! Not sure what I’m going to do with myself now that I’m forced to stop. 😛 Keep ’em coming–you’re hilarious! 🙂

  2. Pingback: Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 5 [Part 2] | 50 Shades of Grey

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