[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]
I’m alive! Again!
I am bad at posting (as you are all aware). Part of the problem was the holidays, part of it was the cold weather (that made me want to hide under 70 blankets until spring), and a lot of it was the fact that my flash drive was broken. Losing all of the information on it was pretty frustrating, mostly because it was where I kept a lot of my writing, and also because it was where I kept literally my entire collection of gifs that I’ve been building up for years.
However, as I’ve just found out, apparently not all was lost. If you plug in the flash drive and bend it downward at an alarming angle (probably like 30 degrees), it apparently still works. You have to hold it there, but if you hold it just right, it stays connected to the computer just long enough so that you can copy and paste all the crap that you’ve been storing on there.
Ergo, I have returned triumphant with my bag of tricks still full.
SO. Onward we go, plowing forward into the ever growing avalanche of bullshit that is the last book in this god-forsaken trilogy.
In other news, did you know that there’s 50 Shades of Grey wine? Because there is. I want to buy it, mostly because I like wine and also because I think it’s hilarious, but if I buy it that means people will see me buying it and will mistakenly think I’m a fan. There needs to be a way to ironically buy/do things related to 50SoG. Maybe a post-it note informing people of my intentions.
In another side note, there’s also a 50SoG category in QuizUp (which is a RIDICULOUSLY fun trivia app), and I want to play it just to see how much I know about these stupid books, but again, I don’t want people to think I am a fan of these crap-books. I guess that’s the problem you face when you decide to torture yourself with knowledge of things you hate.
Anyway. I suppose we should do some kind of recap, so here we go.
RECAP: Christian and Ana return home from their honeymoon (a honeymoon which probably cost more than twice my entire college education). Christian tells Ana that she’s fat, but really he means it nicely because it means she’s gained back the weight that she apparently lost during the 4 days that they were broken up for (also she probably lost it because she seems to have some kind of eating disorder). They have lots of post-honeymoon sex, but Ana can’t stop worrying about the whole “someone intentionally lit Christian’s office building (or maybe his parent’s house? or something? Still not sure) on fire” thing. They go to lunch with Christian’s family, and Ana is feeling depressed and moody (probably because she’s married to a psychopath, and maybe that knowledge is finally sinking in). Christian, like the endearing psychopath he is, threatens to spank Ana against her will if she doesn’t immediately pretend to be happy, because that’s how you fix bad moods: you beat the person until they’re happy again. After lunch, Christian sings and plays the piano, which is apparently a BIG DEAL and is character development, but it’s not really clear how or why he’s changed, we’re just supposed to know that this is Ana’s doing.
On the way home, they get involved in a high-speed car chase on the highway, with Ana driving, which is, so far, the only interesting/exciting thing that has happened this entire book. They are never pulled over, because apparently Seattle cops don’t give a shit, or don’t exist. They hide in a parking lot and Ana starts crying, and then they have car-sex, because apparently that’s how you cope with high-stress car chase situations. We find out that the driver of the chase-car was a female, so it can’t be Jack Hyde, like I thought it was. They also meet a new neighbor once they get back to Christian’s apartment, and that new neighbor is TOTALLY NOT going to end up being the bad guy. The chapter ends with Ana requesting rough sex.
SO. LET’S DO THIS. OR SOMETHING.
The chapter opens with Christian asking Ana if she has “anything in mind” for their rough sex, which we’re apparently going to have to read about. Ugh.
I don’t know if it’s the chase, the adrenaline, my earlier bad mood–I don’t understand, but I want this, and I want it badly.
WOW. HOW STRANGE. A WOMAN WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH HER HUSBAND. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.
Why is Ana even confused by this. “I’m so confused, I want to have sex with my husband, who is an actual sex-god…WHAT IS HAPPENING.”
It’s called being horny. Apparently you completely skipped being a teenager, because you should already be aware of this.
“Kinky fuckery?” he asks, his words a soft caress.
I nod, feeling my face flame. Why am I embarrassed by this?
I don’t know, Ana, why are you embarrassed by this? This would be a really great segue into some kind of commentary on how women are sexually repressed and are taught to not want sex and are told that women aren’t meant to enjoy sex…but instead, we get to read about Christian and Ana’s kinky fuckery.
Christian asks for carte blanche, and Ana says yes, and I REALLY hope they go over the safe-words, because otherwise we’re in for a lot of gross, weird things.
They go into the playroom, and Christian is all weird about everything, probably because he’s thinking about the time when he beat Ana with a belt and she ran away (which is the only good decision Ana has ever made). Christian undresses Ana, and then starts smelling her crotch. How romantic.
“You smell of you and me and sex,” he says inhaling sharply. “It’s intoxicating.” He kisses me through my lace panties, while I gasp at his words–my insides liquefying. He’s just so…naughty.
What. How is that even naughty? I mean, the smelling is maybe a little weird, but…come on. GASP! A MAN PUTTING HIS FACE NEAR A WOMAN’S VAGINA! HOW UNUSUAL AND SINFUL THIS IS! Please. That’s barely even naughty. Clearly Ana has never spent more than 5 seconds on the internet.
Christian has Ana turn around and face the wall, so she won’t know what he has planned. She hears him open a drawer, which means toys will be involved, and then he turns on some music. He then makes Ana promise to say “stop” if she wants him to stop. That’s a nice gesture, but I doubt that she’ll tell him to stop, even if she wants him to, because she thinks that if you love someone you have to let them hit you as much and as hard as they want.
He then blindfolds her, and has her bend over a table, so her torso is lying completely flat on the surface. He then spanks her, and asks her to open her legs.
“Good girl,” he breathes. He traces his finger down my back, along the crack between my buttocks, and over my anus, which shrinks at his touch.
“We’re going to have some fun with this,” he whispers.
I hope you all have your vomit-buckets at the ready, because this next part is going to be a bumpy ride.
And by “bumpy ride” I mean we’re all probably going to vomit for the rest of our lives, because things are about to get…full of butts.