Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 6 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

There’s only 35 pages left of this chapter, so it looks like today is going to be a Butt Sex Only day. I can’t wait.

disgusted

 

Before we get to the main event, Christian starts fingering Ana, who is already very wet (not surprising, the girl is in a constant state of full-gush). Christian uses a combination of Ana’s vagina-goo and an unknown lube to moisten her asshole.

“What are you going to do?” I ask, breathless. Oh my…is he going to fuck my ass?
“It’s not what you think,” he murmurs reassuringly. “I told you, one step at a time with this, baby.” I hear the quiet spurt of some liquid, presumably from a tube, then his fingers are massaging me there again. Lubricating me…there! I squirm as my fear collides with my excitement of the unknown.

THERE ARE MULTIPLE “THERE”S, ANA. YOU NEED TO SPECIFY. IT’S CALLED WORDS. WE USE THEM SO PEOPLE KNOW WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT. YOU USE “THERE” TO DESCRIBE LITERALLY EVERYTHING.

We assume he’s touching her ass, but maybe it’s her vagina! Maybe it’s somewhere else! WHO KNOWS! We, the readers, certainly do not know. And that’s why you shouldn’t have a narrator who is incapable of describing a very important subject.

Ana, at this point, is freaking out. Christian pulls out what Ana assumes to be a butt-plug (remember, she’s blindfolded), and runs it down her back and positions it there. Apparently it’s very small. He says it won’t hurt, but if she’s not relaxed enough it’ll still hurt, and he’s doing a pretty bad job of coaching her to relax. If she’s tense down there, she is probably going to be in for a bad time.

Christian starts fingering her again, and pushes the plug inside of her. Apparently it goes in very easily.

…and I don’t know if it’s because I’m so turned on or if he’s distracted me with his expert fingers, but my body seems to accept it. It’s heavy…and strange…there!

“My body seems to accept it?” What, is your body an alien being? Your body is YOU, stupid, if it accepts it it’s because YOU accept it. What is with this weird habit that Ana has of divorcing her thoughts/feelings from her body/physical sensations? At least I think it’s a habit…I feel like it’s happened before. Either way. Gross.

vomit gif toddlers in tiaras

 

IN OTHER NEWS, IT’S TIME FOR SOME TIPS FROM OL’ MAMA CAITLIN.

If you’re going to be delving into the realm of Fun Butt Times, there are some things you need to know.

  1. Christian is right, you should go slow and start small.
  2. Make sure you are relaxed. If you’re too tense, it can hurt, and that’s a bad time.
  3. Use. Lube. Or at least saliva. No lube = bad time.
  4. MAKE SURE YOU TAKE PROPER CLEANLINESS MEASURES.

Typically, if you’re going to do butt stuff, the butt in question should be clean. At the VERY LEAST, make sure said butt has been recently cleared of poop, but an enema will make sure everything is clean and ready to go.

Any kind of butt stuff is typically NOT the kind of thing you want to spring on your partner as some kind of surprise, ESPECIALLY not the first time said partner has ever done butt stuff.

Butt stuff can be fun times, but you need to make sure you’re taking the proper measures to ensure that everything goes according to plan. And, as with any other kind of sexy stuff, consent is important, and if someone isn’t expressly okay with butt stuff, do not do the butt stuff.

That is all.

the more you know still

Anyway, so now that the butt plug is in Ana, Christian decides it’s time to start fucking her (in her vagina). Apparently it feels INCREDIBLE, which doesn’t really mean anything, because literally every time they have sex it’s incredible. Every. Single. Time. Listen, folks: sometimes you’re going to have bad sex. And that’s fine! Sometimes you’re going to have just okay sex. Sometimes it’s going to be mind-blowing, and other times you’ll both be really sleepy or distracted or maybe someone has a headache or maybe one of you accidentally hurts yourself and you have to stop and get a bandaid or something. It’s all cool. This book seems to be enforcing the idea that sex has to be AMAZING EVERY TIME or else it’s not good enough or there’s something wrong with you/your partner, and that’s pretty bogus. You are never going to have a perfect sex life, and that’s part of what makes sex fun. If you go into it expecting to constantly be blown away by how incredible your sex is, you’re going to be disappointed and that’s silly.

So then they both cum at the same time, woop di doo. I care even less about it now than I did the previous 2,700 times this has happened.

Then they cuddle on the floor and talk about how good the sex was, and I guess we’re supposed to care about this conversation but I don’t. Dialogue should either advance the plot or develop a character, or at least it should in an ideal world. It should never exist for no reason. We’re learning nothing from the dialogue that’s happening. It’s not giving us any insight into who these characters are or what their relationship is like, it’s just them doing the same flirty post-sex dialogue that they have literally every time they bone.

So boring.

They decide to take a bath together. Ana thinks/talks about how she feels so much better now, because apparently sex just cures bad moods.

…actually there might be some kind of truth to that…

After the bath, Christian goes into his office to yell at one of his security guards for letting the car chase happen. Ana decides to go back to the playroom to clean the butt plug. On her way out of the playroom, she runs into Mrs. Jones, the housekeeper. Mrs. Jones greets her as “Mrs. Grey.”

“Please call me Ana.”
“Mrs. Grey, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that.”

Are you serious? This isn’t goddamned Downton Abbey (obviously…DA is a well-written, brilliant show, and this is…well, shit), this is MODERN TIMES. Do people actually do that? Refuse to call someone by their first name even when they were EXPLICITLY TOLD to do so?

Absolutely ridiculous.

ALSO I’M PRETTY SURE MRS. JONES CALLED HER “ANA” BEFORE SHE WAS MARRIED?? So actually what the fuck is happening.

Later, Ana is in the study going over her notes for work.

Part of me dreads going back to work, but I can never tell Christian that. He’d seize on the opportunity to make me quit.

angry quinto

HE CAN’T “MAKE YOU QUIT,” ANA, BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING ADULT. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Christian doesn’t like Ana working, which is bullshit because she literally has her dream job, but since they have literally all the money in the world he thinks she doesn’t need to work. It’s probably because she’s a woman, and he doesn’t like his woman being outside the house.

Ana then thinks about how she hasn’t told Christian that she doesn’t want to change her name at work. I think it makes a lot of sense, because he is technically her boss (since he BOUGHT THE FUCKING COMPANY), and she wants to distance herself from that and from his reputation. How much do you want to bet that Christian is going to flip a giant shit over this when he finds out?

After she’s done preparing her stuff for work, Ana starts uploading the pictures from their honeymoon onto her computer. Practically all the pictures are of her. Asleep. Because Christian is fucking creepy and spends all night taking pictures of his sleeping wife. Ana has the opposite reaction though, and is overwhelmed by her love for Christian. She immediately rushes into his study (while he’s on the phone with his private investigator or whatever), and sits in his lap. Christian puts his arm around her and continues his phone conversation. He’s looking at a picture of the guy who lit his office/house/whatever building on fire, and they’re enhancing the picture so they can try and see who it is.

As I stare at [the guy in the picture], a chill of recognition sweeps up my spine. There is something familiar in the line of his jaw. He has scruffy short black hair that looks odd and unkempt…and in the newly sharpened picture, I see an earring, a small hoop.
Holy crap! I know who it is.
“Christian,” I whisper. “That’s Jack Hyde.”

die from not surprise

WOAH NO WAY IT’S JACK HYDE?

I TOTALLY DIDN’T KNOW THAT LIKE HALF A BOOK AGO.

GEE. WHAT A SURPRISE.

There’s a thing called “leaving hints,” where you give your readers little clues about the main plot twist. And then there’s a thing called “spoiling” where you LITERALLY TELL YOUR READERS WHAT THE MAIN PLOT TWIST IS AND THEN ACT LIKE IT’S SOME BIG, SHOCKING REVEAL.

You guys. We have over 20 chapters left of this shit. TWENTY. CHAPTERS.

At least this is the last book in the series…I guess there’s a small silver lining.

-End of Chapter Six-

Well that’s it for tonight! I won’t make promises about when I’ll post next, because lord knows I’m bad at keeping those promises. I’ll try and post again…soon. We’ll see.

But you guys are great, and thank you SO MUCH for sticking around even though I’m bad at schedules. You’re all wonderful and I love you all.

PS: Come and follow/talk to me on twitter! My screenname is Guernica322, which should be no surprise for a lot of y’alls, since I use that for literally everything. I like hearing from you guys, so whether you leave a comment or tweet at me, saying words at me will make me smile a whole lot.

If you’re in the US, I hope you’re surviving Coldpocalypse 2.0! If you’re not in the US…I’m jealous.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 6 [Part 2]

  1. Pingback: Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 6 [Part 2] | 50 Shades of Grey

  2. The Aladdin quote is the best. I forgot about it. And now I remembered. And it still continues to be the best ever.

    P.S. Yeah, Christian taking sleeping pictures of Ana is creepy.
    P.P.S. Does Ana even know how to clean a butt plug properly?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s