Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 7 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY, EVERYBODY! I’m back again!

Alright folks, I realize we’re crawling along at a snails pace here, but the truth is that I’m really, really, undeniably sick of this book and these characters. So I apologize that it’s taking me so long to get through this, but liveblogging this book can be a little draining at times. It’s like…it’s like if you’re doing some kind of food challenge, where you have to drink a 5 lb milkshake, and you’re SO CLOSE to the end, but it’s so hard to swallow it because you’re already so full, and it’s just sitting there in your stomach, rotting away, and you feel like you’re going to puke yourself to death…did I mention that it’s a 5 lb milkshake made entirely of cow shit? Because it is. Also you’re on Fear Factor. And there’s cockroaches in it.

Anyway, enough of my elaborate metaphor. I will do my best to start getting these liveblogs out more regularly, but if I had a 5-lb cockroach milkshake for every time I said that…well…it’d still probably be preferable to reading this piece of shit book, right? No but seriously, all of you people reading this are amazing, and you guys are the reason I’m doing this (probably because you’re all sadists and like watching me suffer), and if you guys want me to continue, I will. SO. Here’s a recap! Because it’s been a decade since chapter 6 and I’ve been blissfully forgetting everything about this damn book.

RECAP: They go into the murder room kinky sex room. Who said murder room? Definitely not me. Because Ana definitely won’t end up getting murdered with knives in that room one day, and Christian DEFINITELY won’t have anything to do with it…*cough*. Oh god, I forgot that chapter 6 was the butt chapter. Butt things happened. And while butt things are cool, I mean, if you want to do butt things you can go ahead and do all the butt things you want, I NEVER want to read about Christian touching Ana’s anus ever. again. Basically Christian fingers Ana a lot, and puts in a butt-plug, and Ana loses her shit because he’s touching her there!  and putting things in there! and if I see one more there! in italics I’m going to murder whoever edited this damn book. So, yeah, butt stuff happens. And then they take a bath. And then Christian goes to do work or something, and we’re subjected to several pages of Ana walking around and thinking about stuff (kill me). But then Ana, after an agonizing 2 minutes away from her husband, decides she must go see him, so she goes into his office and curls up on his lap, because apparently she’s a goddamned house cat. Christian is busy looking at some security video, trying to figure out who set his house/office/whatever on fire (still not sure what was on fire, to be honest), and Ana looks at the picture and GASP! It’s Jack Hyde! What a shocker! Now let’s get this show on the road!

-Chapter Seven-

“You think?” Christian asks, surprised.

Christian you are literally the only person in the entire world who was surprised by this. “Gee, I wonder who could have done this evil thing? Hmm…maybe it’s THE ONLY ACTUAL VILLAIN IN THIS ENTIRE GODDAMNED SERIES!” Well…besides Christian himself. Wait…what if CHRISTIAN set his house/office on fire, and he just doesn’t remember doing it because it’s his secret, imaginary alter-ego who did it?! WHAT IF CHRISTIAN GREY IS ACTUALLY JACK HYDE!?

I know, I know. Not possible. But god, what a great twist that would be. It would almost make this whole series worth it, because then everyone would be like “Oh, wait, but Jack Hyde is a shitty person, and Christian Grey is…OHHH so Christian is ALSO a horrible asshole!”

Anyway. Ana keeps going on and on about how she knows it’s Jack, because of the line of his jaw, and his earring (only Jack Hyde has his ear pierced in this universe, apparently), and his “build.” Apparently she memorized his every feature? Christian seems a little weirded out by that, and rightly so.

“Why would he do this?” I ask Christian.

Because E.L. James needed a villain, sweet-cheeks. If you’re looking for a reason behind this, you’re in the wrong place. You’re looking for a thing called “character development,” which is filed under “Things E.L. James Does Not Know How To Do.”

Barney, Christian’s secret-detective-man-guy, reminds Christian that they still have the contents of Hyde’s hard drive, which they seized during the whole debacle where Hyde clumsily tried to sexually assault Ana and ended up getting a devastating kick to the groin (which he really deserved) and was subsequently fired for being the biggest scumbag on the planet.

Ana asks what was on the hard drive, and Christian doesn’t want to tell her. So naturally Ana presses him further. Christian says that it was stuff about him, but he doesn’t elaborate, and puts his index finger against Ana’s lips to “silence her” like she’s a goddamned child.

Barney confirms that it is Jack Hyde, and Ana smiles because she’s all excited about doing something useful for once in her life. Christian hangs up the phone.

“Well, Mrs. Grey, it seems that you are not only decorative, but useful, too.” Christian’s eyes light up with wicked amusement. I know he’s teasing.

…is he though? Really? Am I really supposed to believe that he’s not being serious right now? Although I guess he probably DOES find her useful, in that he needs someone to boss around and to be a dick to all the time.

Christian and Ana banter some more, and then Ana goes off to make Christian a sandwich. That sounds like a joke, but I promise you it isn’t. Cue a thousand “Make me a sandwich!” jokes. God I hate that joke.

Ana spends forever making this sandwich, and we have to read all about it. Apparently there’s avocado on it, and a touch of salt and lemon, and a little bit of my own personal vomit because WHY THE FUCK ARE WE READING ABOUT ANA MAKING A GODDAMNED SANDWICH.

Ahem.

Anyway.

Christian comes out and starts kissing Ana.

“Barefoot and in the kitchen,” he murmurs.
“Shouldn’t that be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen?” I smirk.

Um…what? What is happening. What is going on.

From Wikipedia:

“Barefoot and pregnant” is a figure of speech most commonly associated with the controversial idea that women should not work outside the home and should have many children during their reproductive years.”

OH. Now I understand. This book is referencing a chauvanistic, sexist figure of speech from the 1950’s! WOW! It’s almost like this book is full of sexist bullshit! Hah! Hah! Hah!

“But they’re saying it as a joke!”

LOL. Give me one solid piece of evidence that this is a joke. Please. I would love to hear it. Maybe Ana thinks it’s a joke, because she’s the one smirking, but Christian doesn’t seem to be saying this as a joke. At all. In fact I think he really, really loves it when Ana makes him food and doesn’t leave the house and only does what he wants her to do. Because he’s a sexist dick-tornado.

Anyway, so after Ana makes the “pregnant” comment, Christian nearly has a panic attack, but calms down once Ana agrees that they don’t need kids yet.

“You do want kids though, don’t you?”
“Sure, yes. Eventually. But I’m not ready to share you yet.” He kisses my neck again.

WOW IT’S ALMOST LIKE YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD THIS CONVERSATION BEFORE YOU GOT FUCKING MARRIED, YOU STUPID SACKS OF SHIT.

IT’S ALMOST LIKE YOU DIDN’T THINK THIS MARRIAGE THROUGH AT ALL, AND GOT MARRIED AFTER ONLY KNOWING EACH OTHER FOR 4 MONTHS.

I swear to god. So many women (and men) have read this book and probably think this is an ideal relationship. SORRY TO BURST THAT BUBBLE, KIDDOS, this relationship is a COMPLETE AND TOTAL MESS.

Things you should talk about before getting married:

• Money (who’ll pay the bills, budgeting, bank accounts, credit scores…)
• Religion
• Where you want to live
• WHETHER YOU WANT TO HAVE ANY GODDAMNED BABIES.

As well as like 3,000 other things. All I want is a sequel to this series called “50 Shades of Divorce” or maybe “50 Shades of Why You Should Never Marry Someone You Just Met.” Ugh. I don’t even…whatever.