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They playfully banter some more, and then we cut to a new scene that’s an unknown amount of time in the future. They’re now discussing the plans for their new house, which some woman named Gia is helping them redesign, because they want to keep the old house and just make it more efficient and all that crap. They’re discussing whether or not to make one of the walls entirely out of glass, and Ana isn’t 100% behind the idea, which confuses Christian, probably because he’s not used to someone expressing an opinion that he doesn’t share.
“I kind of like it the way it is,” I whisper. Is this going to make him mad?
“But Caitlin, this book is TOOOOTALLY not glorifying abuse! It’s a consensual relationship! They’re in love!”
HAH HAH HAH HAH NOPE. There’s no such thing as a “consensual relationship” where one party is COMPLETELY FUCKING SHIT-THEIR-PANTS TERRIFIED OF THEIR PARTNER! That’s called emotional abuse! That’s called a lot of things, but one thing it’s NOT called is HEALTHY. Ana is CLEARLY fucking PETRIFIED of her husband, and with good reason! He is unpredictable, as been known to HURT WOMEN FOR HIS OWN AMUSEMENT, and can’t control his emotions or mental state! The tiniest thing is liable to set him off. I don’t know about you, but I would call this A SCARY FUCKING SITUATION THAT ANA SHOULD NOT BE IN. But she IS in it, and we’re supposed to think she’s happy. Now, tell me again how this isn’t glorifying an abusive relationship?
They continue talking about the house, and basically they both keep saying “I don’t care, if you’re happy then I’m happy,” because apparently Christian and Ana think that “love” means “giving up all of your wants and needs and feelings so that the other person can be happy,” which, SURPRISE, is also unhealthy. It’s called compromise, bitches. Learn that shit.
Ana asks Christian if they’re going to put a “playroom” in the new house. For a split second, I almost thought she meant a playroom for kids. L. O. L. Silly Caitlin. She means a murder room. Christian says that they’ll leave their options open, but he’s not very gung-ho about the idea. He says that “this will be a family home.” Ana feels disappointed.
They finish discussing the house, and then Ana says she wants to go watch TV. Please, God, tell me we aren’t going to read about them watching TV. I can stomach a lot of boring things, but reading a story about 2 people (who I hate) watching TV is probably my limit. Christian clearly doesn’t want to watch TV, as he thinks it is a “waste of time,” but he says he’ll watch something with Ana. What a selfless man.
“I thought we could make out.”
He whips his face to mine. “Make out?” He gazes at me as if I’ve grown two heads. He stops the endless flicking, leaving the TV on an over lit Spanish soap opera.
“Yes.” Why is he so horrified?
“We could go to bed and make out.”
“We do that all the time. When was the last time you made out in front of the TV?” I ask, shy and teasing at the same time.
This week on “Anastasia Steele Is An Actual Teenager,” we get to hear all about how she wants to make out on a couch while watching TV! Seriously, dude, making out in front of a TV isn’t some exotic adventure. It’s not something you plan to do, it should be something that just happens. Like, oh, I’m watching TV with my partner, oh, now we’re kissing, OH now we’re making out. Seriously? She wants to make out in front of a TV. Have fun with that, Ana, but make sure you keep it quiet so that your parents don’t hear you. Because, y’know, YOU’RE IN GODDAMNED HIGH SCHOOL.
“I’ve never done that,” he says quietly.
Oh…right. He was molested as a teenager, and didn’t have any actual girlfriends because he was too busy being taken advantage of by one of his mother’s friends…in case you forgot. Still…you didn’t miss out on much, Christian. Ana, on the other hand, has “of course” made out in front of the TV. And, of course, Christian demands to know who it was with. Ana hesitates to tell him, probably because she is FUCKING TERRIFIED of him, in case you forgot. We then find out that this has happened more than once in Ana’s life (GASP), and Christian acts like this is a life-changing revelation.
“Why so surprised, Mr. Grey?”
He frowns briefly, runs a hand through his hair, and looks at me as if seeing me in a completely different light. He shrugs. “I just am. I mean–given your lack of experience.”
Again, guys, this is something you should have known BEFORE the wedding. I feel like you should always discuss your previous relationships with your current partner, even if it’s only briefly. Anyway, Ana starts telling Christian all about her couch make-outs, starting with a guy named Bradley in 10th grade. Christian then asks “what base” Bradley got to, and begins getting all sexy on Ana, while constantly asking “Did Bradley do this?” like he’s in some kind of pissing contest with a guy Ana kissed when she was 15 years old. Christian starts *heading south,* but Ana stops him.
“We’re supposed to be making out” I groan.
Christian stills. “I thought we were?”
“No. No sex.”
I’m…I’m sorry, what? I don’t…I don’t understand. You have the opportunity to have sex, you are clearly VERY turned on, but you…don’t want to have sex? I mean, that’s fine, you can choose when to have sex and when to not have sex, but I’m just…very confused. I guess Ana is into some delayed gratification? Except…oh no…
Then [he] shifts so he’s between my legs, and his erection pushes against me. He thrusts once, twice, and again. I gasp as the material of my sweatpants rubs in just the right way. He pushes more, grinding into me.
“This what you want?” he murmurs, and moves his hips rhythmically, rocking against me.
“Yes,” I moan.
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THEY ARE DRY HUMPING. THEY ARE LITERAL TEENAGERS. STOP IT. DRY HUMPING IS OVERRATED.
Look, I get it. I’ve done the dry humping thing. It’s fun and exciting and all that shit when you’re 17 and you have your first *serious* boyfriend and you’ve just touched a dick for the first time, and you’re like “ooo we’re doing something kind of adult, his parts are totally right next to my parts, how kinky.” But then I got older and I had ACTUAL SEX and WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU CHOOSE DRY HUMPING OVER ACTUAL SEX. WHY. I hope your sweatpants give you rug-burn on your hoo-hah, Ana.
I just…WHY?! It’s like, gee, I COULD eat a delicious, fresh-picked apple, or I could eat this cheap lollipop that I got from the doctor’s office that doesn’t taste anything like an apple and doesn’t really taste like much of anything other than sugar and some kind of apple-imitation flavoring. HUH I THINK I’LL GO WITH THE LOLLIPOP BECAUSE WHY NOT.
I literally can’t believe that the book that apparently expanded so many women’s sex lives has an entire section dedicated to dry humping. If this book is actually just one big, cosmic practical joke…well played, universe. Well played indeed.
Ugh, and then Christian asks Ana to “touch him,” but not in reference to his dick. He wants her to touch his chest, because this is supposed to be “character development” and we’re supposed to see how much Christian has “grown and changed” or whatever. Except we haven’t seen that, because I have no idea what caused this change. I guess we’re just supposed to understand that love has cured him of all his childhood trauma, which is a REALLY bullshit idea that doesn’t make any sense, but whatever. If love cured mental instabilities and psychological issues, the world would be a much easier place to be in. Oh, good, and now they’re having actual sex. Thank god. If he came in his pants I would literally die of laughter. They both cum at the same time, woop-di-doo. God forbid something different happens for a change.