[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]
Just so y’all know, it’s playoff season in the NHL, and I’ll be spending a lot of time crying over it, so who knows when I’ll be posting chapters. Keep an eye out, though! Updates will happen…eventually! Probably!
Also you’re all still the best forever.
Now, let’s get down to business…to defeat…the huns.
RECAP: So we confirm that Jack Hyde is indeed the guy behind the fire at “Grey House”…and I’m still not sure if that’s an office building or the house that Christian and Ana are having built or Christian’s parents’ house…oh well. Ana and Christian go out into the kitchen so Ana can fulfill her stereotypical role as a woman and make Christian a sandwich. The subject of kids is brought up, and they both agree that they want kids, just not right now (WHY WASN’T THIS BROUGHT UP BEFORE THE WEDDING). They start discussing the plans for their house (and Ana is scared to mention any of her opinions about it in case it’ll make Christian mad, because she’s fucking terrified of him), and each one keeps saying “I’m happy if you’re happy!” and it’s stupid.
Then, Ana says she wants to go watch TV. Not only does she want to watch TV, she wants to make out in front of the TV, like that’s some exotic thing that everyone should experience. Christian is confused, but goes along with it. Ana’s past relationships are brought up, and Christian gets into a pissing contest with the ghosts of Ana’s past by turning the make-out session into sexy-times. BUT THEN Ana decides she doesn’t want sexy-times, instead she wants to dry hump in front of the TV like a pair of goddamned 15 year olds. But it’s supposed to be like, really sexy, even though dry humping is lame and largely uncomfortable and come on, is it really so hard to at least use your hands? You’ll give yourself fabric-burn on your hoohah, and I will laugh. Then Christian is like omg touch my chest, and we’re supposed to see this as character development or something, but it’s all vaguely ridiculous. Why is this happening now? Shouldn’t they have crossed this boundary BEFORE the wedding?
So the next day Ana goes to work, and then Christian has a shit-fit because Ana hasn’t changed her name at work, and instead of agreeing to discuss it at home, Christian INTERRUPTS ANA’S WORK DAY JUST TO BE MAD AT HER, and basically manipulates her into changing her name by saying that Ana hasn’t changed her name because she’s ashamed of Christian or some bullshit. Christian doesn’t really ever allow Ana to give her reasons for not changing her name (reasons which are good ones, in my opinion), he just steamrolls her and acts like it was some huge victory. When she tries to explain herself, he twists her words and is all “omg I suffocate you?!” and then Ana’s entire argument is completely derailed. Oh, also, SURPRISE he’s giving her the entire goddamned company to run as a wedding present. Because Miss Useless-English-Major Steele is TOTALLY equipped to run a business. OH ALSO during this whole time Christian continually refers to Ana as an “asset,” because objectifying women is one of Christian’s pastimes.
Ana is still mad at Christian when she gets home, and Christian literally can’t even fathom her reasoning. He even says “If you’re still mad, take it out on me in the bedroom later.” LOLOL THAT’S FUCKED UP. HOW CHARMING. But then they have to eat and shit because the architect who’s doing their house (and who desperately wants to bone Christian) is coming over to discuss plans.
AND NOW. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO…
The chapter starts with a large paragraph describing what Gia (the architect) is wearing. Because we’re really supposed to care that she’s wearing fancy clothes, I guess. Sometimes you can REALLY TELL that this book was based on fanfiction. This is one of those times. I was guilty of this too, back in my day, but spending an exhausting amount of time on what someone’s wearing is a ridiculous habit to get into, unless clothes are literally the most important think to the narrator, and/or the clothes tell us something extremely significant about the character. This whole paragraph about Gia could have been replaced with: “Gia looks well-groomed, and I wouldn’t be surprised if her entire outfit cost about as much as one year of my college education.” Done. That’s all we need to know. I do not give a shit what her hair looks like, or that she’s wearing a “pale gray pantsuit.”
So Gia is clearly flirting with Christian, which means that she’s apparently a fucking idiot. ANA IS RIGHT GODDAMNED THERE. GIA KNOWS THAT THEY’RE MARRIED. WHAT THE FUCK.
I wish there was one female character in this book that wasn’t a goddamned caricature. Just one. Does Ana literally have to be enemies of 90% of the women in this series? This is just perpetuating the stereotype that women are catty and stupid.
ALSO GIA HOOKING UP WITH CHRISTIAN WOULD SEVERELY JEOPARDIZE HER CAREER SO WHAT THE FUCK. So stupid. Kill me.
Ana gets up to get them all some wine, and Christian is all loving and gross about it, calling her “baby” and everything, like they have to prove to Gia that they’re actually in a relationship. Gross. But Ana loves it, of course, and it makes it feel empowered or whatever.
My inner goddess is wearing her gladiatrix outfit, and she’s taking no prisoners.
Please go look up Gladiatrix on google images. Maybe not if there are children around, but please do that. It’s hilarious.
Also “gladiatrix” isn’t a real word, but apparently according to google it means “half-naked greasy woman who likes kicking other women in the crotch.” So that’s nice.
Ana brings them the wine, and she sees Gia lightly touch Christian on the arm, which is a major no-no and Christian is clearly uncomfortable. Gia is seriously an idiot. What does she even think she’s doing. Why did E.L. write such as shitty character…OH WAIT ALL OF HER CHARACTERS ARE SHITTY.
They start talking about the house, and Ana is saying how she fell in love with it as it is, and how she doesn’t want any major renovations because all it needs is some TLC, and it’s somehow very clear that she’s not talking about the house anymore, she’s talking about Christian? Idk, I think that’s what’s happening. Gia continues eye-fucking Christian.
Taylor enters the room and says he needs to talk to Christian about something. Christian tells Gia that Ana is in charge, and has absolute carte blanche. Christian leaves. Gia nervously asks Ana about the master suite, but Ana has a different conversation in mind.
“You’re right to be nervous, Gia, because right now your work on this project hangs in the balance. But I’m sure we’ll be fine as long as you keep your hands off my husband.”
“Otherwise, you’re fired. Understand?”
SHIT JUST GOT SO REAL.
BOOM MOTHERFUCKER. BOOM.
Gia starts trying to apologize, and is trying the find the words to lie and say she never meant that, but Ana cuts her off and basically is just like “I don’t give a shit, just don’t fuck with me.” And then they finish discussing the house. When Christian gets back, Gia is noticeably less eager to touch him or talk to him, and quickly leaves.
Christian tells Ana that Taylor was talking to him about Jack Hyde, who apparently hasn’t been in his apartment for weeks. This is “nothing to worry about,” according to Christian, but it seems like that’s definitely a little bit to worry about, because that means you have no idea where he is? But whatever. Christian asks what happened with Gia. Ana says that she “may have said something,” and Christian looks…pleased? That must be an alien sight.
Christian asks if Ana is jealous, and she just blushes and looks down and doesn’t say anything. And then in her head she wonders Am I? Yes. Yes you fucking are. You spent an hour describing what Gia was wearing, you’re either in love with her or you’re jealous.
“Ana, she’s a sexual predator. Not my type at all.”
First of all, I don’t really agree with your use of the term “sexual predator.” She had a crush on you, Christian, she wasn’t sticking her hand down your pants (yet).
Second of all…YOU HAD A 6 YEAR RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ACTUAL SEXUAL PREDATOR, FROM THE AGE OF 15. SO SEXUAL PREDATORS WERE DEFINITELY YOUR TYPE AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE. But then you became a sexual predator, soo…
Christian is all confused as to why Ana would be jealous, and she starts trying to explain how she’s confused by him and his behavior and she’s trying to adapt to all this new shit in her life.
“I never knew I’d love this way, this hard, this fast, this…indelibly.”
Ughh you two are going to start boning in like 2 paragraphs, aren’t you. Also, Ana, you feel this way because you’ve only known Christian for 6 months, and you’re already married, so you are VERY MUCH still in the “honeymoon phase” of your relationship, where all you want to do is bone each other and cuddle all day and make gross sounds at each other to express your love. And while the honeymoon phase is fine, the important thing to realize is that the honeymoon phase WILL END, and if you think that fiery, burning, can’t-be-apart-for-5-seconds love is going to feel this way for the rest of your life…you’re clearly very naive. I’m not saying that you can’t stay in love for a long time, I’m not saying that passion always goes away in every relationship, I’m just saying that in 99.9% of relationships, you’re eventually going to settle down into something more comfortable, where you still love and care for one another but you don’t need to be locking lips every .2 seconds. Or, for some people, after the honeymoon phase is over, you’ll start to recognize flaws in your partner, and maybe those flaws will be things you can’t live with, and that’s when the relationship ends.
And THAT is why you don’t get fucking MARRIED while you’re still in the goddamned HONEYMOON PHASE.
But it’s too late. You already drank the koolaid, and now you’re in a very scary, stupid, horrible, abusive, teenage-esque relationship that will probably eventually make you very unhappy. Or at least it would if this was real life. But this isn’t real life, so I’m sure we’re supposed to believe that you two will just feel like this about each other for the rest of your lives.
I’ve seriously had it with the unrealistic relationship bullshit in this book. This isn’t a story, this is just wish-fulfillment. And wish-fulfillment is fine, in your diary, or in your head. But publishing it is ridiculous, and now hundreds if not thousands of women think that this is the ideal relationship, and they think that anything less isn’t worth it, and I don’t even want to think about how many relationships have been ruined because of this stupid story.
So. So. Done.
*quietly gets down off of soap box*