Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 8 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Ana continues her whole speech to Christian about how he’s trying to run her life, and how he’s like a “freight train” and she doesn’t want to get “railroaded.”

“And what’ll be left? All that would be left is a vacuous social x-ray, flitting from charity function to charity function.”

benji does not want

Um…WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.

Ana then brings up how insane it is that he wants her to run a company now, even though he also constantly says she doesn’t have to work and she should stay home, which is REALLY FUCKING CONFUSING, and is also REALLY FUCKING BULLSHIT.

“You’ve got to let me make my own decisions, take my own risks, and make my own mistakes, and let me learn from them. I need to walk before I can run, Christian, don’t you see. I want some independence. That’s what my name means to me.”

YES. GOOD. THIS IS A GOOD SPEECH, AND VERY IMPORTANT. Too bad Christian won’t understand your need for independence, because you’re a woman and he seems to think that women belong at home with babies and such.

Also this shit should have been talked about AT THE BEGINNING OF THE GODDAMNED RELATIONSHIP but whatever.

“You feel railroaded?” he whispers.

STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU, CHRISTIAN. SHE JUST WANTS SOME SPACE, SHE’S NOT TRYING TO GUILT TRIP YOU. IF YOU FORCE HER TO APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING YOU FEEL GUILTY, I WILL SLAP YOU.

Christian starts talking about how he just wants to keep Ana safe and all that shit, and how he wants everyone to know that she belongs to him (because he REALLY likes peeing in a circle around everything/everyone he owns). He also asks her why she didn’t tell him, which is a very good point. Except we all know the answer. C’mon, everyone, let’s say it together! Why didn’t Ana want to tell Christian about changing her name?

BECAUSE SHE’S GODDAMNED SCARED OF HIM!

Ugh and then she just poops a random Shakespeare quote into the middle of the conversation, because nothing says “I’m an English major!” like quoting Shakespeare in the middle of a fight with your husband. I mean, I read a lot of damn books, but I’ve never just thrown a quote in the middle of a conversation.

Also it’s a quote from King Lear, and it’s a quote from a daughter to her father (I’ve never read King Lear but I know enough to know that King Lear loses his shit), so it’s weird. The quote is: [I love you] “more than…eyesight, space, or liberty.” So. That’s nice.

Anyway, Ana asks Christian if he would take HER last name, and I WISH SO HARD SHE WAS BEING SERIOUS but she’s not, and he says that he would if it meant that much to her, so then she’s like “oh alright well fine I’ll change my name.”

Way to stick to your (very reasonable) guns there, Ana. Glad you stuck up for yourself.

Ugghhhhhhhhh and then Christian decides that it’s sexy time. Except then he decides that Ana should cut his hair first? Which sounds like a ROYALLY bad idea, but hey, what do I know.

UUGHHHH IT’S GOING TO BE A SEXY HAIRCUT. Christian takes his shirt off. We have to hear about how chiseled his chest and face and everything is. I’m so fucking done with this wtf.

She tries to kiss him, but he says no? And she asks why he wants this, and he says “Because it’ll make me feel cherished.” I’m guessing this has something to do with his mommy issues, and how he never had his mom cut his hair when he was  a kid or something. I don’t mean to belittle the idea that people can have issues with their parents and their upbringing, but this seems…a little over the top. Also it seems like Christian is trying to make Ana a mother-figure in his life, which is SUPREMELY fucked up.

Ana starts by washing Christian’s hair. There’s not much really to report, other than the fact that I’m gagging uncontrollably over here. Ana pushes her boobs in Christian’s face, and I guess we’re supposed to get our panties all wet over this.

Then Christian decides that the hair-cut is over (even though it never actually started, she just washed his hair), and he pulls Ana onto his lap and gets her shirt all wet with his hair, and now her shirt is totally see-through. How charming.

When he raises his head he’s grinning salaciously at me, and I am Miss Wet Blouse 2011. My top is soaked and totally see-through. I’m wet…everywhere.

vomit gif toddlers in tiaras

Christian takes Ana’s panties off, and uses them to tie her wrists together. I can’t imagine the binding is very strong though, as Christian routinely pushes his fingers through the fabric, causing it to “disintegrate,” but Ana doesn’t test the limits of her panty-handcuffs (unfortunately). Then he takes her top off, and then he sticks his thumb in her mouth, and then he pulls her bra down and starts playing with her nipples.

“I want you to come like this.”

UM. EXCUSE ME?

Okay, okay. I know that it’s theoretically possible for some ladies to do that. But it’s REALLY. FUCKING. RARE. Ughhh there should be a disclaimer on this book to tell people how inaccurate the entire goddamned thing is.

“You have such beautiful breasts, Ana.” He groans. “One day I’ll fuck them.”

And I’m sure Ana will think it feels just as amazing as normal vaginal sex does, because apparently she has about 70 billion nerve endings in her boobs. However, for normal women, boob-fucking is pretty lame. I mean, the idea of it is fun I guess, and the controlling aspect of it is probably fun, but it’s probably only fun for maybe like a minute, at least for the lady. Anything over a minute would just be boring, and probably uncomfortable. “Hey! I’m going to shove my dick between your boobs until the tip hits you in the chin! HOPE YOU HAVE FUN!” Ugh.

So of course Ana cums, because she always cums when Christian wants her to, and now it’s time for the ACTUAL sex.

Except first he tells her to kiss his dick. Literally. Not suck it (yet), not even lick it. Kiss it. I just…I don’t get it. Also I’m SEVERELY grossed out by this whole scene.  Ughhh WHY WON’T IT END.

And then they start having sex, and it’s great, like always, and they’re just soo in love, and then they both cum, like always.

I mean, I guess parts of this sex scene were sort of hot? I’ll admit I was turned on for parts of it. Until I remembered that Christian is a sexist cum-bucket and I immediately lost my lady boner. Rewrite this sex scene so that it’s between two strong, likable characters that actually love and respect each other, and then maybe we can talk.

And then Ana is crying? Apparently? What? Oh nevermind. It’s because she’s “overwhelmed” by how much she loves Christian. Ugh. Fucking gag me.

They decide to finish what they started, so Ana goes looking for scissors to cut Christian’s hair. Apparently they didn’t go and get scissors BEFORE deciding on the hair-cut thing, which is stupid.

While on her quest for scissors, Ana sees Taylor and Mrs. Jones (the housekeeper) kissing. SCANDAL. Ana is really weirded out by this for no reason. I guess she thought Mrs. Jones was like super old or something? I still don’t really understand why Ana gives a shit, but whatever.

OH SHIT WHEN ANA’S LOOKING FOR THE SCISSORS SHE FINDS A GUN IN CHRISTIAN’S DESK.

SHIT, Y’ALL. SHIT.

And apparently Ana has a lot of knowledge about guns from her step-father? That’s actually super rad.  I’m glad Ana is at least pretty badass in one respect.

Ana runs into Taylor on her way back to the bathroom, and it’s all very awkward. When she brings up Taylor and Mrs. Jones to Christian, Christian says he already knows, and talks about how they might build an apartment for the two of them above the garage at the new house, and then Taylor’s daughter could come stay there more often. Ana doesn’t mention the gun.

Ana cuts Christian’s hair, and is apparently amazing at it, and it looks great, because nothing ever goes wrong in this book (unless Jack Hyde is involved). They get into bed.

While in Bed, Ana thinks about Christian’s plan to give her the publishing company.

How am I going to deal with this running-a-company nonsense? I have no desire to run my own company.

blinking

Um…then say no? Maybe? Just a thought. But of course she can’t say no to Christian, because he might flip out and murder her.

Oh, just kidding, she DOES try to tell Christian no.

“Christian, I don’t think I want to run a company.”
He props himself up on his elbow and gazes down at me. “Why do you say that?”
“Because it’s not something that has ever appealed to me.”
“You’re more than capable, Anastasia.”

And here we can see Christian’s complete and utter lack of empathy on display for the entire world. He literally CANNOT understand that Ana has no desire to run a company. Christian can’t even comprehend the idea, because that would require him to think about someone else’s feelings for more than .28 seconds, which isn’t physically possible for him.

And then Christian basically tells Ana that she’s being silly and that she can totally run the company and that it’s totally easy to run a company. And she tries to manipulate him the way he does her, by saying that the company would take up too much of her time, time she could devote to him, but he just glares at her and shuts her down again. He says he just wants her to think about it, but it sounds like he’s already made the decision for her, he’s just waiting to manipulate her into agreeing to the idea. Typical Christian.

They talk about their argument earlier, and how Christian told Ana to take her anger out on him in bed. Ana says she thought that meant he wanted her to tie him up. He says no, that’s not what he meant, but doesn’t explain exactly what he DID mean, so I’m confused. He then says that he wouldn’t feel comfortable with Ana touching him while he was restrained, and we’re supposed to understand that this is the product of the 3 years of his life that he spent with his crack-whore mother, but really it probably has more to do with the fact that he was sexually abused by a much older woman at the age of 15. I don’t think Christian (or E.L. James) has any real idea how childhood trauma works.

Ugh, jesus, and then they start boning again. Because nothing turns you on like being reminded of your (or your partner’s) traumatic childhood experiences.

-End of Chapter 8-

Thank GOD this one was shorter than the last one. Although I glossed over a lot of things, to be fair. I doubt you guys want me to force you to read the gag-inducing and largely unrealistic sex scenes that I have to slog through.  This is a classy blog, after all, we wouldn’t want to talk about anything unseemly.

No but seriously, did you guys go look up Gladiatrix? Please tell me you did. I don’t know what those images are from but I can’t stop laughing.

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3 thoughts on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 8 [Part 2]

  1. I remember the first time you blogged this chapter, the outfits online were ridiculous. You’ll be glad to know they have gotten worse. So glad you’ve posted again!

  2. Pingback: Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 8 [Part 2] | 50 Shades of Grey

  3. Gladiatrix outfits: Sluts in gold thongs and nothing else.
    I can see why Ana’s inner whore wants to wear something like that.

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