Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 13

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I’m actively avoiding blogging about this book now. I know what happens, and I know how frustrated I will be each time I read a chapter, and it’s the worst. BUT I KEEP ON TRUCKING. Because I have a guilt complex the size of the moon and I hate leaving you guys hanging D:

SO. Let’s talk about chapter 12.

RECAP: Christian and Ana talk about things, like about how his issues stem from his childhood (all 2-3 years he was living with his “crack-whore” mom and her abusive pimp), and that’s why he wants to beat Ana (also he’s just a fucking nightmare of a human). Ana says she’s “stronger” than Christian’s mom, which I somehow doubt, but whatever. They go to bed. Christian has a nightmare, wakes up, and then Ana tries to “heal him” with sexy times (the only “healing” he needs is a goddamned sledgehammer to the dick). Christian finishes, Ana doesn’t (which has LITERALLY NEVER HAPPENED to her before), but Christian goes down on her, and then they have sexy times again, because Christian’s boner has a regeneration time of less than 2 minutes apparently. They go to bed, but then Ana wakes up and Christian’s gone, NO WAIT he’s just playing the piano because he’s so sensitive and deep (lolololol), and they talk some more and we don’t learn anything new (as per usual). But then they wake up again and SURPRISE they’re going to Aspen! Because they’re insanely rich for no real reason! And Christian invited the only friends that Ana has, half of which are just Christian’s family members. They get on a plane, and it’s boring, but there’s something weird happening between Kate and Elliot? I guess we’ll find out.

NOW THEN.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO.

Chapter Thirteen

Apparently the plan landed well. I don’t know why this is even included in the chapter, because there’s literally no reason for us to know this information. OH WAIT I do know why it’s in here, it’s because E.L. James has no idea how to transition between scenes, and instead just writes down every. single. tiny. detail. Much writing. Very wow.

They get in their rental car, which is a big VW minivan, I guess.

“Want to make out in the back of the van?” Christian murmurs to me, a mischievous gleam in his eye.
I giggle. Who is this man, and what has he done with Mr. Unbelievably Angry of the last couple days?

WOW. IT’S ALMOST LIKE HE HAS TERRIFYING MOOD SWINGS AND IS PRONE TO DANGEROUSLY UNPREDICTABLE BEHAVIORS. HUH. WEIRD.

Blah blah blah, we get descriptions of the Rocky Mountains. Cool. Ana thinks about how filthy rich she is now because of Christian. Woop di doo.

Ethan (Kate’s brother) asks Ana if she’s ever been to Aspen. She hasn’t but Ethan and Kate apparently used to come skiing all the time.

“I’m hoping my husband will teach me how to ski.” I glance up at my man.
“Don’t bet on it,” Christian mutters.
“I won’t be that bad!”
“You might break your neck.” His grin gone.
Oh. I don’t want to sour his good mood, so I change the subject. “How long have you had this place?”

what the fuck kane

Christian literally won’t let Ana go skiing. An activity that CHILDREN DO ALL THE TIME.

You know what else could break Ana’s neck? Crossing the street. Walking in general. GETTING INTO A HELICOPTER OR A GLIDER WITH CHRISTIAN GREY.

THIS JUST IN: IT IS NOT ROMANTIC FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER TO PREVENT YOU FROM DOING THINGS. EVEN IF THEY SAY IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING.

I mean, I guess if your SO tried to prevent you from doing drugs, that’s fine. But like…skiing? You won’t let her go SKIING. In fucking ASPEN. A literal SKI RESORT. What the fuck is wrong with you?

This is just exhibit 1230943 of Christian Grey being a controlling dick-smoothie. I don’t know why I’m even surprised at this. Of course he won’t let her go skiing at a ski resort, why would he ever let her do anything? Oh, but this is soOoOo romantic omg, be still my beating heart. I can’t wait until I find a man to date who won’t let me go out in public like Christian Grey, I mean, that’s the dream, right?

They continue the drive to the vacation house. Kate seems weird, and Ana thinks it might be because the vacation home was designed by Gia Matteo (the girl who tried to make a move on Christian) and rebuilt by Elliot, and I guess Elliot and Gia have history. This might have been covered in a previous chapter, but I don’t care enough to look, so I’m just going to assume that Elliot and Gia have boned in the past.

They get to Aspen, and it’s cute and full of rich people. What a shocker.

Christian is worried about Ana liking the house? And even says that he hopes she likes it, because if she doesn’t he’ll immediately sell it and buy a new vacation home somewhere else. But no pressure, Ana. The fate of a million dollar house is only in your hands. Don’t worry.

They get there, and Ana seems to like it (of course), and they meet the staff that takes care of the place. Please, PLEASE tell me this is where this book suddenly becomes a crossover with The Shining and everyone gets killed by a creepy naked ghost woman. I would pay so much money for that book, you have no idea.

We get a tour of the house. Nothing to report, really. It’s big and expensive and full of modern art and dark wood. Cool. Also there’s a billiard table, and Ana blushes, obviously remembering the time when Christian spanked her with a ruler on top of a billiard table. You guys remember that, right? That time when Ana literally was thinking about how bad it hurt to be spanked with a ruler, but she dealt with it because she loved Christian and he “needed” to do it?

#Romance.

They continue on the tour, and Ana is getting overwhelmed by all of Christian’s money. It must be so hard to deal with suddenly being rich. Poor Ana. I can’t imagine what it would be like to suddenly not have to worry about paying off my student loan debt, or rent, or food, or clothes. Such a hardship. She must be struggling so much.

sarcasm sherlock

Ana mentions Gia, and mentions that Elliot had a fling with her.

“Elliot’s fucked most of Seattle, Ana.”

UM? WELL OK THEN.

Ana is of course shocked by this, because Elliot is blond and blue-eyed. Because blond-haired, blue-eyed people are obviously forbidden from ever having sex outside of marriage. Or something. Anyway, Ana is shocked, but then she suddenly switches to thinking about everything with Jack Hyde, and now she’s sad. I don’t even know how we got from point A to point B, but okay.

Ugh, then they start spewing romantic bullshit at each other.

He grins. “Am I that much of a prize?”
“Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one.”

so incorrect

I don’t even…I literally can’t come up with anything sarcastic to say. People really think that Christian is that great. That is an actual thing that people believe. They read this series, read about all the times when he emotionally abuses Ana, the times when he stalks her, the times when he LITERALLY won’t let her out of the house (or the boat. or in her own car. or at her job by herself.), the times when he goes from being happy to suddenly being sad and angry, the times when he takes his anger out on this woman that he claims to love…people read all of those things and they STILL think Christian Grey is the human equivalent of a cure of cancer. That is an actual thought in a LOT of people’s heads.

I just…I don’t know what to say to that, other than WHY. Ugh. If you think Christian Grey is the ideal man, I’m going to need you to take a good, hard look at your life and your choices, and I want you to take another look at this book series and realize that YOUR IDEAL MAN IS AN ABUSIVE RIVER OF NIGHTMARES.

Anyway. Ana keeps trying to convince Christian of how great he is, because he has self esteem issues that I really don’t give a singular shit about. Then they decide to go eat lunch.

After lunch it starts pouring rain, so instead of going for a hike, the boys decide to go fishing, and the girls decide to go shopping. Holy gender roles, Batman! And Ana clearly doesn’t want to go shopping, but when Christian offers to stay at the house with her, she says “something dark unfurls in my belly at his tone.” I don’t know what that means. Is she scared of him? Turned on? Both? Probably both. But Kate wants Ana to go shopping, so Ana says she’ll go, and tells Christian to go fish because he “needs boy time.”

Christian says that Taylor will go with them, which Kate isn’t happy about (“We don’t need babysitting”). But Ana says that no, Taylor should come.

I smile timidly at Christian. His expression remains impassive. Oh, I hope he’s not mad at Kate.

Christian is literally mad at everyone all the time. Maybe if he just FUCKING EXPLAINED HIMSELF, Kate would understand why Taylor would have to go with. But no, Christian has to treat everyone like a child, because they’re not bright enough to handle knowing the truth of the situation. Even though literally everyone there already knows about the Jack Hyde bullshit. So I have no idea what Christian is even mad about.

Elliot is weird, and says that he has to pick up his watch in town. Christian says to take the Audi, and then they’ll go fishing when he gets back.

Cut to the shopping scene. Everything is expensive and designer and I can’t help but think of my own student loans, and of the MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY WHO ARE BELOW THE POVERTY LINE AND CAN’T AFFORD TO FEED THEMSELVES, but oh yes, go ahead, buy all of this designer bullshit that’s silver and really really short. Oh, yes, you should DEFINITELY buy that super short dress for Christian, he’ll definitely enjoy seeing you in a short dress, especially because the last time you tried to leave the house in a short dress, he was livid. What a great idea this is.

While Mia and Kate are trying stuff on, Ana sees Elliot out the window talking to Gia, and then he kisses Gia on the cheek and leaves. Ana feels weird about the encounter, but doesn’t tell Kate.

Uuuuugh and then they go and buy ludicrously expensive shoes that cost literally more than I make in a month. I seriously can’t handle this. This is obnoxious.

They finally get back to the house, and Kate and Ana have time alone. We learn that Elliot has been distant lately.

“And I think I’m in trouble for getting you in trouble.”
“You heard about that?”
“Yes. Christian called Elliot; Elliot called me.”

are you fucking kidding me draw

CHRISTIAN WHAT THE FUCK.

ANA WENT OUT FOR DRINKS FOR ONE NIGHT AND IT ENDED UP POTENTIALLY SAVING HER LIFE YOU GIGANTIC PILE OF ROTTEN DICKS. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU GOT MAD AT ANA AND AT KATE? THEY’RE GROWN. FUCKING. ADULTS. YOU’RE HORRIBLE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh FUCK THIS BOOK.

Anyway, they light a fire, Ana goes looking for firewood, runs into Elliot, who’s kind of weird and offers to take Ana out riding on these two dirt bikes, but Ana says no because Christian wouldn’t like it, to which Elliot replies “You always do what he tells you?” I can’t tell if he’s hitting on her…it’s a very bizarre interaction.

Christian comes back. He’s naturally weird about Elliot wanting to take Ana out on the motorcycles, but he seems…kind of pleased? maybe? that she said no. Then Ana and Christian decide to go take a bath. Oh, also Kate is mad at Elliot for some reason, because he was out in the garage talking to Ana I guess?

NONE OF THESE INTERACTIONS MAKE SENSE.

It’s almost like the characters don’t make sense either.

WHAT A CONCEPT.

Thankfully, we don’t have to read about their pre-bath sex. They get in the bath and start talking about stuff, about how Christian’s money belongs to both of them now and Ana shouldn’t feel weird about spending it, about what Ana bought in town, blah blah blah. Ana mentions that she saw Elliot and Gia. Christian says the two are just friends, and isn’t concerned at all.

Later, Ana gets dressed in the clothes she bought. She wants Christian’s approval before leaving, though, so naturally she emails him??? Like you do????

He comes up and is blown away by how sexy Ana is, and then makes a big deal of showing her how far her skirt is from showing off her vagina, and then he starts…fingering her?

“This is mine,” he murmurs in my ear. Closing his eyes, he moves his finger slowly in and out of me. “I don’t want anyone else to see this.”

…Just pee in a circle around her, Christian, jesus. That’s basically what you’re doing anyway. All this possessive bullshit isn’t as cute/romantic as you think it is. In fact, it sounds more like trust issues/controlling bullshit than like anything else. But hey, par for the course, right?

But surprisingly, Christian approves, as long as Ana doesn’t bend down.

Then they all go out for dinner. Everyone is having a good time, except Kate and Elliot are being weird.

But then……….

Elliot proposes to Kate?!

That’s nice but…Kate is supposed to be with Ana. They’re clearly in love. You’re only getting in the way, Elliot. Of course, this just sets up Ana and Kate ditching Kate’s wedding and riding off on the back of a motorcycle together. IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN, OKAY?

BUT THEN….

THE CHAPTER ENDS.

End of Chapter Thirteen

Oh man, so suspenseful! What’s going to happen! OH MY GOSH!

loljk Kate’s going to say yes, obviously. The plot of this book isn’t very complicated.

Anyway, there’s chapter 13! Who knows when chapter 14 will happen…maybe next week? I’ll do my best, guys. No guarantees.

And thank you so so SO much for continuing to read all my blogs! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. Y’all are the best 🙂

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One thought on “Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 13

  1. I missed you! I’m glad you’re back. Mostly because the more you talk about the book, the less I have to read to hate it 🙂 Selfish, I know.

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