[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]
It’s been so long since I updated that the entire WordPress update page looks insane to me now. To be fair, this is entirely my fault.
HAVING A FULL-TIME JOB IS HARD AND I’M TERRIBLE AT UPDATES, AS YOU ARE ALL AWARE.
But here I am again! Ready to do another chapter! I even just opened a new beer in honor of doing this, because lord knows I’m not capable of doing this sober!
So, without further time-wasting, let’s get to the point.
RECAP: It’s Ana’s birthday, and her step-dad (and also the only real father figure in her life) is in the hospital after a severe car accident involving a drunk driver. Christian get’s Ana a bunch of dumb shit to remind us all how rich he is (like a charm bracelet that might as well be for a 13 year old, oh, and also a FUCKING CAR). Christian does something surprisingly sweet and invites a bunch of Ana’s family and friends (she still has those?) to a dinner up in Portland. Ana talks to her mom a little bit and reinforces gender stereotypes (WHAT A SHOCKER). Later, Ray (her step-father) finally wakes up.
NOTHING HAPPENED LAST CHAPTER, WOW.
So, Ray wakes up, and that’s all nice and good and whatever but…I don’t really care? He’s been in like 0.2% of these books. If he was someone I was supposed to care about, maybe he should have been like…an actual character?
I take up his hand in both of mine and cradle it against my face. “You’ve been in an accident. You’re in the hospital in Portland.”
Ray frowns, and I don’t know if it’s because he’s uncomfortable with my uncharacteristic display of affection or that he can’t remember the accident.
Um. Listen, writers. If you want something to be “uncharacteristic,” you need to SHOW US THAT ITS UNCHARACTERISTIC, you can’t just be like, “oh yeah, btw, this is uncharacteristic as fuck lol bye” IN BOOK FUCKING THREE. This should have been set up AGES AGO. If Ana and her dad are weird about physical affection, FUCKING SHOW THAT??? THIS ISN’T ROCKET SCIENCE.
Ana gets the nurse, who pages the doctor. Ana then goes out to the waiting room to find Christian and tell him the news. Christian asks how Ray is.
“Talking, thirsty, bewildered. He doesn’t remember the accident at all.”
“That’s understandable. Now that he’s awake, I want to get him moved to Seattle. Then we can go home, and my mom can keep an eye on him.”
“HEY WIFE, YOUR DAD’S AWAKE? COOL, LET’S GET HIM MOVED TO A HOSPITAL CLOSER TO US SO WE CAN GO THE FUCK HOME AND MY DUMB MOM CAN WATCH HIM SO WE DON’T HAVE TO. THIS HAS ALL BEEN A MASSIVE INCONVENIENCE UGH BUT THANKFULLY IT’S OVER.”
Ok, maybe I’m being unfair. Christian does seem to relax after Ana tells him Ray is ok, the “tension around his eyes vanishes,” which is nice. I’m glad he’s concerned about his father-in-law. But like…if your father-in-law just woke up out of a coma, maybe your first reaction shouldn’t be like “he’s awake? Great, LET’S MOVE HIM. I WANT TO GO HOME.”
Christian mentions how Ana hasn’t stopped smiling. Weird, it’s almost like HER FUCKING FATHER JUST WOKE UP OUT OF A COMA??? I WONDER WHY SHE HASN’T STOPPED SMILING?????
Apparently they just…left? Ray woke up and they were just like “lol BYE BITCH.” The valet pulls Ana’s new car around to the front, and Christian “eyes [it] with lust”. Please don’t fuck a car, dude. Please.
“Shall we celebrate?” [Christian] asks as we enter the foyer.
I giggle. “Oh, him.”
YOUR DAD JUST GOT OUT OF A COMA???? PLEASE KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS FOR MORE THAN 2 MINUTES. WHAT THE FUCK.
They go back to their hotel room, where they get dinner and Ana wears nothing but “Christian’s T-shirt and [her] panties.” Great. Thank you. DON’T YOU THINK THIS IS A LITTLE…FAST??? YOU JUST CAME FROM A HOSPITAL??????
“What do you want to do?”
He raises an eyebrow, amused. “What I always want to do.”
“And that is?”
“Mrs. Grey, don’t be coy.”
I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN. PLEASE. PLEASE DON’T DO THIS.
Reaching across the dining table, I grasp his hand, turn it over, and skim my index finger over his palm. “I’d like you to touch me with this.” I run my finger up his index finger.
He shifts in his chair. “Just that?” His eyes darken and head at once.
“Maybe this?” I run my finger up his middle finger and back to his palm. “And this.” My nail traces his ring finger. “Definitely this.” My finger stops at his wedding ring. “This is very sexy.”
“Is it now?”
“It sure is. It says this man is mine.” And I skim the small callous that has already formed on his palm beneath the ring. He leans forward and cups my chin with his other hand.
“Mrs. Grey, are you seducing me?”
“I hope so.”
“Anastasia, I’m a given.” His voice is low. “Come here.” He tugs my hand, pulling me into his lap. “I like having unfettered access to you.”
SHE’S YOUR FUCKING WIFE, NOT A SHOW PONY. OF COURSE YOU HAVE ACCESS TO HER, BUT HER CONSENT IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT???? “Unfettered access?” Are you serious?
So they do the whole weird flirty sexy thing, and Ana says “Maybe I need to be restrained.”
“What are you going to do about it?” I challenge.
His eyes glitter. “I know what I’d like to do about it. Depends if you’re up to it.”
“Oh, Mr. Grey, you’ve been very gentle with me these last couple of days. I’m not made of glass, you know.”
“You don’t like gentle?”
“With you, of course. But you know…variety is the spice of life.” I bat my lashes at him.
“You’re after something less gentle?”
He raises his brows in surprise. “Life affirming,” he repeats, astonished humor in his voice.
Ok, guys, this is like, actually super important and encouraging.
CHRISTIAN GREY IS BASICALLY ASKING FOR CONSENT HERE.
ANA IS TAKING CONTROL OF THE SITUATION AND CHRISTIAN IS HESITATING AND ASKING WHAT SHE WANTS.
AND THIS IS HUGE.
This is insane to me. I don’t really even have anything to criticize here. And, as I’ve said before, I give credit where credit is due. And, for once, credit is due here. While the consent isn’t as clear as you could hope, it IS consent, and that is a BIG DEAL in this shit show of a series. Ana is saying she wants something rougher, and Christian is double-checking (ish) to see what she wants.
THIS IS GREAT.
I mean, not great. I still hate both of them (and also RAY JUST GOT OUT OF A FUCKING COMA??? IDK about you guys but like, my family members being in the hospital doesn’t get me all hot and bothered usually?)
[PS: I just opened a new beer, solely to prepare for the oncoming sex scene.]
Ok, so Christian takes off Ana’s t-shirt, leaving her naked except for her panties. He then goes and puts a towel down on the sofa, which is both concerning and considerate. (I mean, they’re at a hotel, I’m glad they’re not just going full-nasty on the couch)
Ana is ordered to take off her panties and sit on the couch.
He grabs me by my ponytail again and pulls my head back. “You’ll tell me to stop if this gets too much, yes?”
“Say it.” His voice is stern.
“Yes,” I squeak.
I’M LIKE…BIZARRELY PROUD RIGHT NOW! Christian actually obtained consent and made it clear that Ana should tell him if she feels uncomfortable at any time! This is incredible! It’s almost like they have a healthy relationship!
So Christian uses the belts off of the hotel-supplied bathrobes and ties Ana’s legs while she’s on the couch so they’re pulled apart. He also asks “Okay?” while he’s doing it, which is like SUPER BIZARRE to me, because I can’t remember a single other time he was this consistent and kind about asking for consent? He usually tries to get Ana drunk first, or he just intimidates her into giving consent. THIS IS A BIG DAY, GUYS.
Christian goes over to change the music, because apparently he can’t bone anyone without a proper soundtrack.
How does he do this? Here I am, trussed up and horny as hell, while he’s so cool and calm. He’s just in my field of vision, and I watch the flex and pull of the muscles of his back under his T-shirt as he changes the song. Immediately, a sweet, almost childlike female voice starts to sing about watching me.
What the fuck…did he just put on like, Enya or something? Nothing gets a girl in the mood quite like a good Enya song.
Christian asks Ana to hold out her hands, and squirts some kind of oil on them before asking her to rub her hands together. Then he asks her to touch herself, “start at your throat and work down.”
Here we go, friends. Everyone get your drinks ready! Lets see, what are some good drinking game rules…
- Drink if Ana refuses to name any of her body parts
- Drink if Ana clearly misunderstands how certain body parts work
- Drink if Ana says “Oh my” or anything similar
- Drink every time there’s an ellipses
I promise I wrote those before I started reading this part. WE’LL SEE HOW ACCURATE IT IS! (Hopefully not too accurate, I’ve only got half a beer left…)
Ana follows directions and starts at her throat and works down to her breasts.
Oh my. I gently tug at my nipples.
My muscles clench deep in my belly. I groan in response and pull harder on my nipples, feeling them stiffen and lengthen beneath my touch.
I swear to god, Ana’s nipples turn into weird snake-creatures whenever anything sexy happens. Why do they keep elongating! I mean, like, sure, nipples change shape and get hard and whatever, but the way Ana talks makes it sound like she’s rolling out bread for baguettes, not playing with her nipples.
“Again. I want to see you. See you enjoy your touch.”
Oh fuck. I repeat the process. This is so…erotic.
“Keep still, Ana. Absorb the pleasure.”
Feel the pleasure. Taste the pleasure. BE THE PLEASURE.
Christian, exuding sexuality, runs his tongue along his teeth Holy fuck… I writhe, pulling on the restraints.
That wasn’t a typo, there really isn’t a period before “holy fuck” in my copy.
Also…like, idk, a dude licking his teeth isn’t enough to get me going? I guess Ana has a teeth fetish or something, because she is going HAM on this shit.
My hands glide over my stomach down over my belly.
Isn’t…isn’t your stomach your belly? I don’t…
Drink. Just drink. We’re all drinking this whole time anyway, might as well drink one more time.
“Lower, he mouths, and he is carnality personified.
His hands glide down from my knees, skimming my thighs, toward my sex.
JUST. SAY. VAGINA. OR CLIT. OR ANYTHING. PLEASE.
“Come on, Ana, touch yourself.”
My left hand skims over my sex, and I rub in a slow circle, my mouth an O as I pant.
“Again,” he whispers.
I groan louder and repeat the move and tip my head back, gasping.
IT’S ALMOST LIKE SHE’S NEVER TOUCHED HERSELF BEFORE.
Hey, kids, masturbation is great and you should try it. You can’t expect someone else to pleasure you if you don’t know how to pleasure yourself!
Oh, and also, drink. Because she still can’t refer to her body parts as anything other than vague nicknames. Like, I’d even accept “folds of skin” or something. I just…”my sex” isn’t good enough, ok. Not when you’re writing a sex scene. Especially not when you’re writing a sex scene starring a character who is FUCKING MARRIED, AND WHO SHOULD KNOW HER WAY AROUND A VAGINA BY NOW.
So Ana continues touching herself, but when she tries to touch Christian, he restrains her hands, because that’s not part of the dealio, apparently.
I groan. He releases me then eases his middle two fingers inside me, the heel of his hand resting against my clitoris.
SHE REFERRED TO A BODY PART BY ITS NAME.
I’M LIKE, REALLY PROUD RIGHT NOW.
MY BABY IS GROWING UP!
“I’m going to make you come quickly, Ana. Ready?
“Yes,” I pant.
He starts to move his fingers, his hand, up and down, rapidly, assaulting both that sweet spot inside me and my clitoris at the same time. Ah! The feeling is intense–really intense. Pleasure builds and spikes throughout the lower half of my body. I want to stretch my legs, but I can’t. My hands claw at the towel beneath me.
“Surrender,” Christian whispers.
“Surrender?” This isn’t the goddamned battle of Yorktown, dude. You’re not at war, you’re just trying to make a girl cum. Calm down.
Of course, Ana comes literally the second he says that.
I explode around his fingers, crying out incoherently. He presses the heel of his hand against my clitoris as the aftershocks run through my body, prolonging the delicious agony. Vaguely, I’m aware that he’s untying my legs.
Gosh, she’s using “clitoris” left and right all of a sudden! It’s like character development, except really it’s writer development. And also it’s not that much development because this should have been happening from the beginning, but still, GOOD JOB! YOU TRIED!
Christian says “My turn” and flips Ana over, and now it’s time for Man Sex, and Ana immediately is ready to cum again, because she’s apparently a robot or something. It’s been 2 seconds! Bodies don’t work like that!
I guess we can drink for that. Except my beer is already empty. Boo.
Anyway, the scene switches, and suddenly they’re cuddling post-sex, and talking about how much they like each other’s butts. Great.
Except the song that’s playing mentions something about being sweet (idk, the reference is vague?) and Ana says “And I think there’s a lot that’s sweet about you.” Which is apparently not something that Christian wants to hear, because his smile immediately fades, and suddenly Ana needs to start reminding her husband of why he’s not a terrible awful no-good very bad person. So they exchange “I love you”s, but Christian still looks “lost.”
Like…Ok, I get it. He’s got a “tortured past” or whatever. All 4 years of it (that happened when he was barely young enough to remember). But Ana keeps being like “it will take time to heal all of his wounds!” and like, yes, I get it, it takes time (and a lot of work!) to get over severe PTSD-type stuff like this, but like…Christian should be actively seeing his psychiatrist if it’s still this much of an issue that he can’t accept love from his own wife. But he’s not seeing his psychiatrist, and that’s not good.
See your psychiatrist, folks. If you can afford it, of course. And also don’t enter into a marriage with someone that you feel the need to “fix.” It’s not your job to fix anyone except yourself (and you don’t need fixing, you just might need helping sometimes).
They go back into the bedroom and are going to watch TV, but then Ana decides…uh…
“Well, Mrs. Grey, now that you’ve got me, what are you going to do with me?”
I lean down and whisper in his ear, “I am going to fuck you with my mouth.”
So then we get a scene change, and suddenly it’s morning and Ana wakes up to find Christian already at work, typing an email. Apparently, a detective, Clark, wants to interview Ana in relation to Hyde.
In case you forgot (because lord knows I almost did), Hyde was Ana’s former boss who tried to assault her in the break room or whatever at their office, but she fucking OWNED HIM (it was amazing) and he got fired. BUT THEN he like…tried to break into the apartment and kidnap Ana? He’s like, terrible at being a criminal. But he’s in jail now so whatever.
But the detective wants to interview Ana about Hyde, and it’s so important that the detective is going to come all the way to Portland to interview her today. But first, they go see Ray, who seems to be doing pretty…fine, actually? Apparently Portland hospitals are full of miracles and you can go from being in a coma to being almost perfectly fine in less than a day.
Ray asks for Donuts, so Ana goes out to the waiting room to tell Christian she’s going to get Donuts. Apparently the detective will be there in a few hours. Also, Christian asks Ana to take Taylor (his security guard) with her, and she agrees, but rolls her eyes.
“There’s no one here.” His voice is deliciously low, and I know he’s threatening to spank me. I am about to dare him, when a young couple enters the room. She is weeping softly.
I shrug apologetically at Christian and he nods. He picks up his laptop, takes my hand, and leads me out of the room. “They need the privacy more than we do,” Christian murmurs. “We’ll have our fun later.”
YOU’RE IN A FUCKING HOSPITAL???? WHAT THE FUCK. CHILL YOUR BONER FOR LIKE 2 FUCKING HOURS YOU PSYCHOS.
“Oh I guess we’ll let this crying girl have the room to herself…” WELL YEAH I FUCKING HOPE SO. YOU JUST WANTED TO USE THE ROOM TO DO WEIRD KINKY SHIT. WHAT A FUCKING SACRIFICE FOR YOU.
The scene cuts, and suddenly the detective is here. The detective is only there to see Ana, but she insists that she wants Christian to stay.
“Mrs. Grey, Mr. Hyde maintains that you sexually harassed him and made several lewd advances toward him.
THAT WAS LIKE THE ONE TOTALLY AWESOME PART OF THIS GODFORSAKEN TRASH PILE.
ANA TOTALLY KICKED HIS ASS WHEN HE TRIED TO BE A TOTAL CREEP TO HER.
AND NOW HE’S…ACCUSING HER OF BEING A CREEP???
Oh! I almost burst out laughing, but put my hand on Christian’s thigh to restrain him as he shifts forward in his seat.
“That’s preposterous,” Christian splutters. I squeeze Christian’s leg to silence him.
“That’s not true,” I state calmly. “In fact, it was the other way around. He propositioned me in a very aggressive manner, and he was fired.”
Detective Clark’s mouth flattens briefly into a thin line before he continues.
“Hyde alleges that you fabricated a tale about sexual harassment in order to get him fired. He says that you did this because he refused your advances and because you wanted his job.”
Ok, like, admittedly, I know nothing about how the legal process works, and I’ve never been part of a criminal investigation before, but like…this interview seems…real weird. Why wouldn’t he just ask her questions? And be like “Did you make sexual advances toward Mr. Hyde?” and stuff? Why would he be like “Well HE said that this happened!” like it’s fucking high school?
Basically he sounds like a terrible detective.
But Ana handles it well!
“What Hyde says is simply ont true.” My voice sounds calm, although I feel anything but. I’m bewildered by these accusations and nervous that Christian might explode. What’s Jack’s game? “Mr. Hyde accosted me in the office kitchen one evening. He told me that it was thanks to him that I had been hired and that he expected sexual favors in return. He tried to blackmail me, using e-mails that I’d sent to Christian, who wasn’t my husband then. I didn’t know Hyde had been monitoring my e-mails. He’s delusional–he even accused me of being a spy sent by Christian, presumably to help him take over the company. He didn’t know that Christian had already bought SIP.” I shake my head as I recall my distressing, tense encounter with Hyde.
“In the end, I-I took him down.”
Clark’s eyebrows rise in surprise. “Took him down?”
“My father is ex-army. Hyde…um, touched me, and I know how to defend myself.”
Ana, you’re being modest, you fucking OWNED HIS ASS. IT WAS AMAZING.
It’s been nearly an entire book and I’m still not over that. If this whole series was about Ana taking down weird creepy dudes, it would be MUCH, MUCH BETTER.
Christian asks Detective Clark if he’s talked to any of Hyde’s former PAs. Clark says he has, but they won’t talk much. Christian says he’s had the same problem. Naturally, Clark asks why Christian felt the need to investigate Hyde’s former Personal Assistants.
Christian gives him a steely glare. “Because my wife worked for him, and I run security checks on anyone my wife works with.”
Christian…buddy…you can’t just say that and act like it’s normal. This is SUPER NOT NORMAL. People don’t usually…investigate their significant other’s bosses. That’s…super fucking creepy. WHAT A SURPRISE. CHRISTIAN IS BEING CREEPY!
Then Clark and Christian start talking about other elements of the case that Ana isn’t familiar with. Apparently Hyde may have been the one that sabotaged Christian’s helicopter way back when, and there’s something to do with a note? This is all news to em, and apparently it’s news to Ana as well.
Clark finally leaves.
“Can you believe that asshole?” Christian explodes.
HE WAS JUST DOING HIS JOB, CHRISTIAN. WHAT THE FUCK. CALM DOWN.
“No, that fucker, Hyde.”
Oh. Nevermind. I was so ready for Christian to be completely unreasonable that I’m now completely taken aback that he’s being sort of reasonable.
…this is weird.
Anyway, the scene changes, and suddenly Ray has been moved to some amazing rehab center in Seattle, courtesy of Christian and his boatloads of money. Ana is with Ray, even though apparently she should be at work. Her blackberry buzzes, but it’s a number she doesn’t recognize, so she lets it go to voicemail. Finally, Ana leaves the hospital.
“Mrs. Grey! Mrs. Grey!”
Turning, I see Dr. Greene hurrying toward me, looking her usual immaculate self, if a little flustered.
Oh. Oh shit. That’s Ana’s OB/GYN, the one that she kind of didn’t really get a choice about, because Christian is weird and stupid about condoms and refuses to use them, so instead forces his partners to go on their choice of hormonal BC, even though hormonal BC can be really difficult to deal with depending on your body chemistry and can have adverse affects and isn’t something that you should just do because your boyfriend is a dick about condoms.
AS YOU CAN TELL I’VE GOTTEN OVER IT SINCE THEN.
“Mrs. Grey, how are you? Did you get my message? I called earlier.”
“No.” My scalp prickles.
“Well, I was wondering why you’d cancelled four appointments.”
Four appointments? I gape at her. I’ve missed four appointments! How?
“Perhaps we should talk about this in my office. I was going out for lunch–do you have time right now?”
I not meekly. “Sure. I…” Words fail me. I’ve missed four appointments? I’m late for my shot. Shit.
They go to Dr. Greene’s office.
“Yes…it’s been over thirteen weeks. You’re cutting it a bit close. We’d better do a test before we give you another shot.”
“A test?” I whisper, all the blood rushing from my head.
“A pregnancy test.”
She reaches into the drawer of her desk. “You know what to do with this.” She hands me a small container. “The restroom is just outside my office.”
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. How could I have let this happen…again? I suddenly feel sick and offer a silent prayer. Please no. Please no. It’s too soon. It’s too soon. It’s too soon.
When I reenter Dr. Green’s office, she gives me a tight smile and waves me to the seat in front of her desk. I sit down and wordlessly hand her my sample. She dips a small white stick into it and watches. She raises her eyebrows at it turns pale blue.
“What does blue meen?” The tension is almost choking me.
She looks up at me, her eyes serious.
“Well, Mrs. Grey, it means you’re pregnant.”
What? No. No. No. Fuck.
End of Chapter Nineteen
UM. HOLY SHIT.
Like, ok, no dude should force his GF/Wife/Whatever to go on birth control without discussing it extensively and helping her make the decision (because it’s HER BODY NOT YOURS YOU CREEP). But…once you’re on BC…like, FUCKING KEEP TRACK OF THAT SHIT?
I get it. The pill sucks. I’ve been there, friends. But like, if you’re on the shot…SET A FUCKING APPOINTMENT IN YOUR PHONE??? DON’T JUST FUCKING LET THAT SLIDE? THE FUCK?
OR!! GET AN IUD!!!! Like it hurts like fucking HELL but at least you don’t have to worry about surprise vagina gremlins?
It obviously takes 2 people to get preggo, so I’m not solely blaming Ana here, but like…the FUCK, Ana! GET IT FUCKING TOGETHER!!
So I guess now there’s a baby to worry about. GOOD THING THEY ALREADY HAVE A STRONG, HEALTHY, NOT-AT-ALL-ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP TO BRING A CHILD INTO!!!!1!1! THIS IS ALL FINE AND GOOD AND I’M NOT CONCERNED AT ALL!
(Ok. I lied. I am concerned.)
I have no idea when I’ll get the next chapter up, but I’ll try to not wait like almost a whole year for the next one!
As always, thank you for reading, and for continuing to read even though I am terrible at posting things on time! You guys are amazing!