Caitlin Liveblogs the Fifty Shades trilogy: SPECIAL REPORT

So, as I’m sure many of you saw, a teaser trailer has been released for the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie, that is set to come out this coming Valentines Day (in 2015).

Here it is, in all of it’s glory:

I tried to embed the video, but I am pretty historically terrible at doing that, so here’s the link as well, in case the above video doesn’t work:

So, as the resident expert on this awful, horrifying nightmare of a book series, here are my thoughts:

THIS TRAILER IS SETTING UP AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

THIS TRAILER LOOKS LIKE A TRAILER FOR A MOVIE THAT’S ABOUT HOW A WOMAN FALLS IN LOVE WITH AN ABUSIVE MAN. IT LOOKS LIKE A THRILLER MOVIE ABOUT A BAD, ABUSIVE MAN, SOMEONE WHO IS CAPABLE OF STALKING, BEATING, THREATENING, OR OTHERWISE ABUSING/HARMING A WOMAN.

So, as far as I’m concerned, it actually looks pretty accurate to the books. And maybe women will see this and go “wait…why does he seem like he constantly wants to rape her?”

I mean, fucking jesus, look at what happens about :50 into the video. The elevator doors close, and the music swells, and the music doesn’t crescendo like it does in romantic scenes of movies, it crescendos the way it does when Wendy is trying to get out of the bathroom window in The Shining, right before Jack Nicholson axes the door.

I don’t see how this movie can be “romantic,” because it just screams “abuse.” And if the movie stays faithful to the books, it will LITERALLY just be porn. Bad porn.

However, the movie does have one really great advantage over the books: when you watch the movie, you won’t have to suffer through pages upon pages upon pages of Anastasia Steele’s god-awful internal dialogue. No “internal goddess,” no up-tight subconscious, no 20 pages of useless thoughts and opinions that don’t advance the plot or develop the characters in any way.

So, I guess there’s that?

I don’t know. I just keep thinking of the movie “Fear,” with Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon, the one where it starts off romantic and then suddenly people are carving names into their chests and holding a family hostage inside their home. If there is any kind of truth in this movie, they will change the ending and show Christian Grey for what he actually is: a manipulative fuck-bucket who derives happiness and pleasure from causing pain (emotional and physical) to women, and who enjoys stalking people and preventing his girlfriend/wife from going out in public with anyone other than him. But I’m sure that instead the movie will try and make Christian seem like the “perfect man” that so many people think he is, and I will have a thousand more people to argue with about this bullshit.

What are your thoughts?

[PS: I’m working on the next chapter of liveblogs right now, so you can hopefully expect them later tonight, or tomorrow at the latest.]

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Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 3 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So Ana storms up to the deck of the boat to get some fresh air. Christian, of course, follows her, and is confused about why she’s mad. And then…this conversation happens:

“Christian, you have to stop unilaterally trying to bring me to heel. You made your point on the beach. Very effectively, as I recall.”
He shrugs minutely. “Well, you won’t take your top off again,” he murmurs petulantly.

USING SEX/HICKEYS AS A PUNISHMENT FOR BREAKING ONE OF YOUR BULLSHIT RULES IS EMOTIONAL AND SEXUAL ABUSE, CHRISTIAN. STOP BEING SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON.

Of course, the conversation gets worse.

And this justifies what he’s done to me? I glare at him. “I don’t like you leaving marks on me. Well, not this many, anyway. It’s a hard limit!” I hiss at him.
“I don’t like you taking your clothes off in public. That’s a hard limit for me,” he growls.

EXCEPT IT’S HER FUCKING BODY, NOT YOURS, YOU PIECE OF FUCK. SHE CAN CHOOSE TO EXPOSE IT OR NOT, THAT’S HER CALL. SHE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO PHYSICALLY HARM YOU OR ANYTHING THAT REALLY AFFECTED YOU IN ANY WAY, AND EVEN IF SHE DID, THAT DOESN’T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DO THINGS TO HER WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE OR PERMISSION.

Can’t he see what he’s done? Can’t he see how ridiculous he is? I want to shout at him, but I refrain–I don’t want to push him too far. Heaven knows what he’d do.

shut this the fuck down

I recently got in a “debate” (that’s in quotes because the other party in the debate clearly wasn’t listening to any opposing arguments and was just yelling for the sake of yelling) on tumblr about whether or not Christian was abusive.

This. This right here? This shows that he’s abusive.

Ana is fucking PETRIFIED of him. That is not a normal relationship! “Heaven knows what he’d do.” That’s honest to god one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever read. Ana is scared of Christian physically harming her for yelling at him because he did something wrong to her. She is scared to fight back, scared to shout even when she has every right to shout, scared to do ANYTHING around him.

Cue the 50 Shades Fans yelling “But she stands up to him!”

Yes, only to a point, and she ALWAYS ends up backing down, or she does something like this, where she doesn’t express how pissed she actually is because she’s scared of him.

That doesn’t count as “standing up to him” so much as it’s her weakly struggling against Christian’s rules, and Christian only allows it to happen because he knows he can use her actions as a reason to punish her, and Ana will accept it because for whatever reason she’s accepted his rules as law.

This book is severely fucked up.

Anyway.

So then Christian apologizes, except it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t really understand that what he did was wrong. He just says “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.” That doesn’t strike me as someone who’s learned his lesson, but Ana just accepts it, of course, and suddenly they’re all in love again.

They go eat dinner together elsewhere on the deck.

“I love you,” I murmur, and he smiles his heart-achingly shy smile, and I melt. “I will always love you, Christian.”
“And I you,” he says softly.
“In spite of my disobedience?” I raise my eyebrow.
“Because of your disobedience, Anastasia.” He grins.

Yes, he loves you because you give him “reasons” to punish you that he can then use to make you feel guilty enough where you won’t tell him to stop.

As you can see, my opinion of Christian has only gotten more negative the more I’ve read of these books. I do not understand how so many women seem to have had the opposite reaction.

After dinner and dessert, they go into some other room and start to dance together? I guess this is supposed to show us how in love they are and how perfect they are for each other, but it just makes me want to vomit.

If you wanted to show us them being in love, you should have given us more scenes like this when they were actually falling in love. It’s too late, now. I already don’t believe any part of this relationship. I don’t think they’re actually in love, I think they’re just dangerously obsessed with each other. If this were real life, their marriage would last all of 8 months.

Ugh, and then they go back to bed, presumably to have more sex, except this time it’ll be “making love” instead of sex. Either way, I still want to puke.

Ana wakes up the next morning all happy and whatever.

Hmm…I’ll take a punishment fuck followed by makeup sex any day. I marvel what it is to go to bed with two different men–angry Christian and sweet let-me-make-it-up-to-you-in-any-way-I-can Christian. It’s tricky to decide which of them I like the best.

You shouldn’t like either of them, because both of them are the alter-ego of an abusive, mood-swinging bastard with mommy-issues who uses your emotions against you because he’s fucked up. Of course he wanted to make it up to you. He has to show you good times and do nice things every once in awhile, that way, while he’s abusing you, you won’t leave him because you’ll be too busy remembering the “good times.”

Ugh.

Ana gets up and finds Christian in the bathroom, shaving. This leads to a semi-flashback where Ana shaves her pubes to see what it feels like, ends up doing an apparently terrible job (according to Christian), and Christian decides to…uh…shave her himself? Using his razor? That sounds TERRIFYING. Ain’t nobody getting near my vagina with a razor except me. No. Way.

“It’s just wrong!” My voice is prissy and whiney.
“This isn’t wrong–this is hot.”
Hot? Really? “This turns you on?” I can’t keep the astonishment out of my voice.
He snorts. “Can’t you tell?” He glances down at his arousal. “I want to shave you,” he whispers.

vomit just looking at you

Ugh. Gross.

Also, Ana, why are you so shocked that he’s turned on? He’s like face-first in your vagina. Why wouldn’t he be turned on.

Ugh, and now, back in present time, Ana decides that she’s going to shave Christian’s face.

What.

This is a supremely bad idea, Ana. You could end up slitting his throat…

I take it back. Keep doing what you’re doing, Ana. Do you want to get drunk first, and then try? Maybe you should try shaving his face on a jet ski.

So after Ana’s done (and Christian is, sadly, still alive), Christian says he wants to go visit some little town where there are some art galleries. He says he wants to pick out some art for their new home. Christian makes some mention of the architect, and Ana thinks about how much she dislikes the architect, a woman who had apparently been “all over Christian like a rash” during their meetings. It seems that E.L. James has a really low opinion of other women, because literally every woman in this book throws themselves at Christian even when Ana is there CLEARLY as his date. I don’t know, that seems kind of dumb. But whatever. The two go get something to eat, and then head to the village.

They look at some art, and Ana finds a painting that she likes, that is, of course, insanely expensive. 5,000 euros, to be exact. Maybe that’s not that bad for art, but I’ve never spent more than $30 on a piece of art for my room, so 5,000 euros sounds INSANE. Ana also expresses her discomfort with how expensive the painting is, but Christian LITERALLY says “get used to it, Ana.” What an over-privileged dick-bag.

They get some lunch on the town, and they start talking about why Christian braids Ana’s hair in the bedroom, which they discussed earlier in this chapter, but I skipped over it because at the time Christian didn’t know and it didn’t seem important. Christian says that he thinks it’s because his birth mom, the Crack Whore in his words, used to let him play with her hair. Ana finally says “I think you loved your birth mother, Christian.” Of course, Christian doesn’t agree, though he says nothing. Finally he says “Let’s go,” and they leave.

That was…that was ALMOST like character development. Too bad it’s TWO BOOKS TOO LATE.

“Where do you want to go?”
He speaks! And he’s not mad at me–thank heavens. I exhale, relieved, and shrug.

WOW IT’S ALMOST LIKE ANA IS LITERALLY TERRIFIED OF CHRISTIAN AT ALL TIMES, AND IS TERRIFIED OF PISSING HIM OFF BECAUSE HE MIGHT HURT HER.

angry quinto

 

So done with this. So done with everyone who thinks this book doesn’t romanticize abuse. Ugh.

They go to a jewelry stand, and Christian decides to buy a bracelet for Ana to cover up the marks on Ana’s wrists. Because all good abusers know to cover up the marks of their abuse. Ana insists that the marks don’t hurt.

Oh jesus, the bracelet costs 30,000 euros. What the actual fuck.

It’s clear that Christian feels guilty, and instead of letting him feel guilty (because he fucking should), Ana tries to make him feel less like a shitty person by talking about all the wonderful things he’s given her. Ugh, Ana, stop it. He deserves to feel bad. He’s a shitty person.

Back in the car, Christian asks to look at Ana’s ankles, to see the marks there too.  Apparently seeing them makes him feel “uncomfortable.”

GOOD. THEY SHOULD. YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT HARMING YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOU DICK.

Ana tells him that she enjoyed the handcuffs thing though, and that he shouldn’t feel bad…ugh. Fine. Whatever. If you don’t want him to feel bad about causing welts on your wrists and ankles, fine. It’s your life.

Christian suddenly gets a phone call. Apparently there was a fire…somewhere? Oh, it was at “Grey House.” I guess that means his parents house? I’m…confused. Apparently the fire might have been arson.

Aaaand…

that’s it.

-End of Chapter Three-

Well, I’m glad this chapter was literally full of examples of Christian showing abusive tendencies. Next time someone tries to tell me that this book doesn’t romanticize abuse, I’ll know exactly where to go to prove them wrong.

Like I said, I don’t know if I’ll be able to post on Wednesday. Be on the lookout for posts on Friday though!

 

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 22 [Part 3]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Grace turns slowly to face Christian and a tense silence settles like a thick blanket over us as Christian and Grace stare at each other. After a beat, Grace speaks.
“Ana, before I hand him over to you, would you mind giving me a minute or two alone with my son?”

Oh man, Grace is going to be SO PISSED.

Ana leaves them alone, of course, but she listens by the door so we can find out what Grace says to Christian.

Grace asks Christian how long it went on, and how old he was at the time and what-not. Ros finds Ana by the door, and asks if she’s okay. Ana says she’s fine, and Ros leaves to have a cigarette. Ana leaves, apparently no longer interested in what Grace is saying to Christian, and makes her way up to Christian’s childhood bedroom, because…? I have no idea. I guess she wants to be alone, which makes sense.

Ana flops down on Christian’s old bed and starts doing the stupid thinking thing again, and we’re all subjected to hear her thoughts on the matter, thoughts which I frankly do not care about. I don’t care what Ana thinks about the situation. I know what Ana thinks about the situation. I could have told you like 100 pages ago what Ana would think about this situation. It’s nothing new, it’s nothing interesting.

She thinks about how Christian used to be really fucked up but now he’s better (lol nope) and how he used to be into BDSM because that came from his “place of darkness”, which is such bullshit I don’t even know where to begin. BDSM doesn’t come from darkness. It comes from normal, completely sane people’s likes and dislikes in the bedroom. Stop associating BDSM with Christian’s mental illness. BDSM is not a mental illness. It’s not a side-effect of having a fucked up past. BDSM happens between two consenting adults who, for whatever reason, enjoy playing with the power dynamic of their relationship. It’s perfectly normal, perfectly safe (when practiced correctly), and isn’t some “dark” thing.

Ana gets off the bed and looks at all the pictures Christian had up on his bulletin board from his youth. Ana focuses particularly on the picture of Christian’s birthmother, and Ana notices that she really looks nothing like the birthmother. I guess this is some kind of important revelation or something. I don’t know.

Ana leaves the room, and runs into Christian on the stairs. Christian informs Ana that Grace is “pretty fucking mad” at Christian. I’m not really sure why she’s mad at Christian, considering the fact that he was taken advantage of as a teenager by a sexual predator…I mean, I guess he did continue that relationship into his 20’s, when he was (theoretically) old enough to realize how fucked up the situation was? Idk. This whole situation is probably pretty fucking weird for Grace to deal with.

Christian tells Ana that his relationship, both personal and business, with Elena is over with. He’s handing over the salon business to Elena and that’s the end of it. So that’s good. Christian says he wants to return to the party, and says he “might even get drunk.”

They go back to the party.

Cut to the end of the party, where they’re saying goodnight to everyone. Christian and Ana go outside because Christian wants to show Ana something, I guess. Ana says she’d like to go to Church tomorrow, because she prayed for him to come back safe and he did. Since when is Ana religious?

They start talking about the house, and Christian says he’s already bought it, and they’re going to talk to Elliot about finding a good architect who can remodel the house to make it more sustainable or whatever.

They go out to the boathouse, which is where Christian spanked Ana the last time they were over at his parents’ place. If I recall, he spanked her for bidding on something with the money that he gave her for her car, which is a really stupid reason to be mad at her and spank her, but everything Christian does is stupid, so whatever.

The boathouse is filled with flowers. I guess this is Christian’s romantic proposal or whatever. It’s supposed to be romantic, I assume, although to me it just kind of seems…generic. And boring. Woo you gave her flowers, how original.

Christian gets down on one knee and produces a ring and asks Ana to marry him and she starts crying all over the place and says yes. Even though she’s already said yes. Ughhh I don’t care at alllll.

I know deep down I will always be his, and he will always be mine. We’ve come so far together, we have so far to go, but we are made for each other. We are meant to be.

ugh

Woop-de-doo. You’ve known each other for literally 2 fucking months. How the FUCK do you “know” that you’re meant to be. You barely fucking know the guy. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but you should probably at least KNOW the person you’re going to marry for longer than TWO FUCKING MONTHS before you marry them. Maybe.

There’s a fancy little squiggly line on the page.

And then…

We cut to a scene of some guy smoking in the dark in a car and drinking cheap bourbon?

The helicopter had been a rash and bold move. One of the most exhilarating things he’d ever done in his life. But to no avail. He rolls his eyes ironically. Who would have thought the son-of-a-bitch could actually fly the fucker?

…Okay so Mysterious Cigarette Guy is the one behind the helicopter shenanigans…

It had been the same all his life. People constantly underestimating him–just a man who reads books. Fuck that! A man with a photographic memory who reads books.

Um…good for you?

So it turns out that this “mysterious” guy is Jack Hyde. He even references the incident with Ana that ended with Christian and Taylor beating the shit out of him.

He’ll stay, watch, and wait. He takes another toke of his Marlboro red. His chance will come. His chance will come soon.

-End of Chapter Twenty-Two-

End of Fifty Shades Darker-

That’s all, folks!

We’re 2/3 of the way done with this shit series.

While the writing may have gotten marginally better, the actual material has gotten far more vomit-worthy. I can’t wait to see what Book 3 has in store for us…

I may or may not post a Reflections post about this book. If I do, expect it on Friday.

I will start Fifty Shades Freed on Monday.

…still can’t believe I’ve made it all the way through two of these books. I think I deserve a bottle of wine.

PS: Thank you to everyone who’s been commenting and liking these posts recently! I appreciate your comments so much, you guys, you have no idea. I have the best readers in the universe, I swear to god.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 22 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So after their little argument, Grace comes in to give Christian a birthday hug. They all leave the room together to go to the party.

“Christian, I really do apologize,” Kate says humbly. Humble Kate is something to behold.

Maybe Kate is just being humble because she’s afraid Christian is going to murder her.

They walk into the main room…hall…whatever the fuck it is, and are greeted by a deafening round of applause. Apparently the entire fucking world came to Christian’s birthday party. Including…oh good…Mrs. Robinson.

Christian snags 2 glasses of champagne for him and Ana, and then Elena rushes up to him to tell him how worried she was about him. She asks why he didn’t call her, and Christian just says he’s been busy. Elena finally says hello to Ana, and seems very fake about it. Christian says he needs to make an announcement, so Elena grudgingly steps back.

Christian announces that he and Ana are engaged, and everyone claps again.

As Ana glances around the room, she notices that several of the women there look “crestfallen,” and one in particular looks like she’s “eaten something nasty and bitter.” Apparently fucking everyone wanted to marry Christian. Trust me, ladies, you dodged a bullet here.

Elena, of course, looks “stunned–horrified even.” As much as I hate siding with Ana on anything, I do share Ana’s feeling of satisfaction.

Christian’s whole family starts hugging Ana and being really happy and shit. I really do not care about any of it. Dr. Flynn finds them and congratulates Christian, and Ana get’s to meet Dr. Flynn’s wife, Rhian.

“That was one googly you bowled there, Christian,” Dr. Flynn shakes his head in amused disbelief. Christian frowns at him.
“John–you and your cricket metaphors.” Rhian rolls her eyes.

APPARENTLY THAT’S WHAT BRITISH PEOPLE DO. THEY JUST THROW OUT RANDOM CRICKET METAPHORS FOR NO REAL REASON.

IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY? BECAUSE IT’S NOT.

I mean, I’m really into hockey, but I’m not going to spout random hockey references every five seconds.

I just don’t even know how to react to that. I have no idea what I just read, and, frankly, I don’t give a fuck. I’m not going to go google what  “googly” is in cricket, because I DO NOT FUCKING CARE, AND THAT REFERENCE LITERALLY DOES NOTHING FOR THE STORY. It’s just stupid. I guess that was supposed to be a joke or something, maybe E.L. James thought she was being clever, but it’s not clever. It’s cringe-worthy, if anything.

Ros, Christian’s business parter…? or whatever? comes over to join them, and is accompanied by her girlfriend, Gwen.

I mean, it’s a small gesture, but it’s pretty cool that there are some non-straight characters in here, even if they aren’t really characters. And they’re not really defined by their sexuality, so that’s neat.

They’re informed that dinner is served, and everyone moves to the dining room. Mia pulls Ana aside to give her a lemon martini courtesy of Christian’s dad, which is apparently “much nicer than champagne.” I guess it’s really strong, so Ana is going to get hammered at this party. Oh goody. I’m sure Christian will get unreasonably upset at her for that.

Then Mia starts asking Ana for advice, because Ethan, Kate’s brother, doesn’t want to date her, and I guess that’s some huge problem. Oh, gee, a person doesn’t want to date you. What a terrible situation. I guess Ethan is weirded out because Kate is dating Elliot, and he thinks it’s kind of incestuous? Idk whatever.

“Can you agree to be friends and give it some time? I mean you’ve only just met him.”

OMG ANA WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE YOUR OWN FUCKING ADVICE.

Also that’s actually really good advice. Weird. Did not expect that from Ana.

Mia is skeptical, especially because of how Ana and Christian’s relationship happened, but Ana tells her to try the friendship route, and also tells her to go talk to Kate about it. Mia leaves, and Ana turns to go to dinner, only to run into…Elena.

dramatic chipmunk

 

Elena breezes into the room, her face taut, set in grim, angry determination. She closes the door quietly behind her and scowls at me.

Oh shit.

Shit is about to GO DOWN.

“I would offer you my heartfelt congratulations, but I think that would be inappropriate” Her piercing cold blue eyes stare frostily into mine, filled with loathing.
“I neither need nor want your congratulations, Elena. I’m surprised and disappointed to see you here.”

Oh SHIT.

“What on earth do you think you’re doing, consenting to marry Christian? If you think for one minute you can make him happy, you’re very much mistaken.”
“What I’m consenting to do with Christian is none of your concern.”

OHHH SHIIIITTTT.

“You’re nothing but a sick child molester, and if it was up to me, I’d toss you into the seventh circle of hell and walk away smiling. Now get out of my way–or do I have to make you?”

oh snap

“How dare you judge our lifestyle? You know nothing, and you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into. And if you think he’s going to be happy with a mousy little gold-digger like you…”
That’s it! I throw the rest of my lemon martini in her face, drenching her.

yes JLaw

FUCK. YEAH.

Oh shit, and then Christian shows up. Elena starts trying to tell Christian that Ana isn’t right for him, but Christian isn’t having any of it.

“How the fuck do you know what’s right for me?”
“You have needs, Christian,” she says her voice softer.
“I’ve told you before–this is none of your fucking business,” he roars. Oh crap–Very Angry Christian has reared his not-so-ugly head. People are going to hear.
“What is this?” He pauses, glaring at her. “Do you think it’s you? You? You think you’re right for me?”

Ohhh shiiiiittttt son! SHIT IS GETTING SO REAL RIGHT NOW AND IT IS MAKING ME SO HAPPY.

“I was the best thing that ever happened to you,” she hisses arrogantly at him. “Look at you now. One of the richest, most successful, entrepreneurs in the US–controlled, driven–you need nothing. You are master of your universe.”

Okay, it was kind of cool the first time that happened, when Ana used “Master of The Universe” or “My universe” or whatever it was, the title of the fanfiction that these books are based on, but it’s happened like 3 other times since then and now it’s just…cheesy. And stupid. And no one gives a shit.

“You loved it, Christian, don’t try and kid yourself. You were on the road to self-destruction, and I saved you from that, saved you from a life behind bars. Believe me, baby, that’s where you would have ended up. I taught you everything you know, everything you need.”

Someone here clearly has much too high of an opinion of herself.

“You taught me how to fuck, Elena. But it’s empty, like you. No wonder Linc left.”

OH SHIT. LINC WAS HER HUSBAND AND HE LEFT HER.

SHIIIIIT SON. SHIIIIIIIIT.

“You never once held me,” Christian whispers. “You never once said you loved me.”
She narrows her eyes. “Love is for fools, Christian.”
“Get out of my house.” Grace’s implacable, furious voice startles us. Three heads swing rapidly to where Grace stands on the threshold of the room.

oh shit les mis

OH MY GOSH I SHOULD HAVE MADE SOME POPCORN BEFORE READING THIS CHAPTER. THIS SHIT IS SO INSANE.

See, this part of the book isn’t half bad! The writing still isn’t too great, but there’s an actual plot and things are happening and I’m feeling emotions! And there’s something actually at stake!!

Does this part redeem the rest of this shitstorm of a series? Of course not. But even in the biggest bile of shit, there’s always a gem buried in there somewhere. And by “gem” I mean a broken plastic ring that came out of one of those vending machine things that costs a quarter. But hey, compared to the rest of the shit, that broken plastic ring looks pretty good!

[Grace’s] eyes blaze with fury, never once leaving Elena, until she stands before her. Elena’s eyes widen in alarm, and Grace slaps her hard across the face, the sound of the impact resounding off the walls of the dining room.
“Take your filthy paws off my son, you whore, and get out of my house–now!” she hisses through gritted teeth.

AWW SHIT, GRACE! KICK HER ASS!

Except Elena runs from the room before Grace gets a chance. Boo. I would have paid so much money to see that fight.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 22 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

You guys…

This is it…

This is Chapter 22…

The final chapter of this book…

SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL!

Except probably not, because nothing ever actually happens in these books, and although this chapter SHOULD do something that sets up the plot for the next (and final) book, I’m sure it won’t, and the last book will just be all about Ana and Christian having gross sex for the rest of forever.

Either way…LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!

RECAP: Christian takes Ana into the Creepy Murder Room, as part of her birthday present to him. They have gross sex that involves blindfolds, vibrators, and Christian putting a finger in Ana’s butt. Ana cums, and it’s delightful, and then they cuddle and start having more sex. Afterward, Ana starts making Christian’s lunch while Christian does some work in his office. He gets kind of sassy with her because she’s wearing a really short dress, and he even says that he doesn’t want anyone else to see her like that, because apparently exposing your upper thigh is some kind of horrible sin in Christian’s eyes. Christian calls Ana’s stepdad to get his permission to marry Ana. Ray asks to talk to Ana, and is pretty apprehensive about the whole thing, since they haven’t known each other long. Ana just keeps saying that she loves Christian, so Ray finally agrees. They start eating lunch.

Ana confesses to Christian that she found his box of photos in his closet, the photos of all his ex-subs. He says that he kept the pictures as some kind of insurance policy, so he could threaten to blackmail any of those women should they try to out him. Apparently those pictures should have been in Christian’s safe, but Leila allegedly moved them, because apparently a mentally disturbed woman who can barely figure out how to speak or bathe properly can figure out the very long and complicated code to Christian’s safe. Ana goes out to get ingredients for Christian’s birthday cake. Christian is weird about her going out in that dress, but Ana basically says “fuck you” and runs out the door. Except then Ana immediately feels guilty and thinks she’s done something wrong, because apparently wearing clothes that your fiancé doesn’t approve of is again some kind of horrible sin. She immediately apologizes when she get’s home, and Christian, surprisingly, forgives her. Later, they arrive at Christian’s parents’ house for Christian’s birthday party, only to be immediately bombarded by Kate, who is furiously waving a copy of Ana’s email to Christian about the contract in their faces.

NOW LET’S GET READY TO FINISH THIS BOOK!

-Chapter Twenty-Two-

All the color drains from my face as my blood turns to ice and fear lances through my body. Instinctively I step between [Kate] and Christian.

Ana, come on, just let Kate beat the shit out of him. Please? That’s literally all I want from this chapter. I just want a chapter-long beating where Christian gets exactly what he deserves for being a sexist, abusive piece of shit.

“Kate! This is nothing to do with you.” I glare venomously at her, anger replacing my fear. How dare she do this? Not now, not today.

jon stewart judging

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘HOW DARE SHE.’

SHE’S YOUR BEST FUCKING FRIEND AND SHE FOUND AN EMAIL WHERE YOU DISCUSS WHETHER OR NOT IT’S OKAY FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND TO BEAT YOU.

SHE’S FUCKING CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR DUMB ASS.

SHOW SOME FUCKING GRATITUDE (preferably in the form of make-outs because you two are meant to be together).

I just…okay. Look. Here’s some advice from Ol’ Mama Caitlin. If your friends don’t approve of something your boyfriend/lover/husband/whatever is doing/has done, they’re probably right to feel that way. I remember awhile back, I got cheated on, and instead of immediately telling my friends about it I hid it from them, because I knew they’d be mad at him and I didn’t want them to hate him. Instead of being worried that my friends would hate him, I should have immediately told them about it, and then I should have dumped his ass and gone on a magical whirlwind adventure with my besties, because they care about me a whole lot, and if they hated him, it would be for VERY GOOD REASONS.

So basically, your friends (usually) care about you a whole lot, so it is 100% their business to be worried about you if you seem to be putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. And Ana has DEFINITELY put herself in a potentially dangerous situation.

So maybe, JUST MAYBE, Ana should sit the fuck down and listen to Kate because Kate is one of the only people in this godforsaken book that seems to realize how much of a fucking psychopath Christian is.

ANYWAY.

Ana hands Christian the email, after Christian refuses to leave so Ana can discuss this with Kate in private. I mean, I think Christian should be there for the discussion, but I also think it’s kind of shitty that when Christian yells at Ana to leave and she doesn’t listen, he freaks the fuck out at her, but if HE refuses to leave when she asks him to, that’s perfectly within his rights.

“What’s he done to you?” Kate asks, ignoring Christian. She looks so apprehensive. I flush as a myriad of erotic images flit quickly across my mind.
“That’s none of your business, Kate.”

EXCEPT IT TOTALLY IS HER BUSINESS BECAUSE SHE’S WORRIED ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING AND SHE THINKS HE IS ABUSIVE, WHICH IS A PRETTY ACCURATE ASSUMPTION.

“But Ana has consented to everything Christian asks!”

LOL EXCEPT IT’S NOT CONSIDERED CONSENT IF SHE’S TOO SCARED TO SAY NO.

AND ANA IS 100% TERRIFIED OF CHRISTIAN.

[Kate] is a beacon of hostility in a slinky, bright red dress. She looks magnificent.

now kiss

Ana is so in lesbians with Kate it’s not even funny.

Christian asks Kate if she’s told anyone. Kate says she hasn’t. Christian then lights the copy of the email on fire and throws it in the fireplace.

“I just want to know you’re okay, Ana,” she whispers.

Ana I swear to god if you’re a dick to Kate after she said that, I will personally pee in your mouth because you are a shitty friend.

“I’m fine, Kate. More than fine.  Please, Christian and I are good, really good–this is old news. Please ignore it.”

EXCEPT YOU’RE NOT “REALLY GOOD” BECAUSE HE GOT MAD AT YOU TODAY FOR WEARING A DRESS THAT HE FUCKING BOUGHT FOR YOU. AND YOU HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR WEARING SAID DRESS OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE. YOU HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO HIM FOR WEARING CLOTHES, ANA. THAT IS NOT “REALLY GOOD.”

Christian puts an arm around Ana and announces to Kate that they’re getting married. Because apparently this conversation was taking too long for Christian and he just had to interrupt. You’d think that, since Kate is Ana’s friend, it would be ANA’S decision when/how to tell her, but whatever.

Forget it–please. I love him and he loves me. Don’t do this. Don’t ruin his party and our night,” I whisper. She blinks and unexpectedly her eyes are shining with tears.
“No. Of course I won’t. You’re okay?” She wants reassurance.
“I’ve never been happier,” I whisper.

What’s with all the whispering?

And Ana, just because this is the happiest you’ve ever been doesn’t necessarily mean that this is as good as it gets, and it DEFINITELY doesn’t mean you should just brush off Kate’s concern. If Kate is concerned, she has a good reason to be concerned. You should fucking listen to her.

Kate apologizes profusely (even though I don’t think she has anything to really apologize for).

She looks at Christian and repeats her apology. He nods at her, his eyes glacial, and his expression does not change. Oh shit, he’s still mad.

are you serious

Um, excuse me, what is he mad about? Is he mad because Kate was concerned about Ana’s well-being? Oh yes, how dare Ana have friends that are concerned about her. How dare anyone doubt how perfect Christian is.

Seriously what the fuck is wrong with him. What the fuck is wrong with this entire book. Why does any of this exist.