Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 19

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

It’s been so long since I updated that the entire WordPress update page looks insane to me now. To be fair, this is entirely my fault.

HAVING A FULL-TIME JOB IS HARD AND I’M TERRIBLE AT UPDATES, AS YOU ARE ALL AWARE.

But here I am again! Ready to do another chapter! I even just opened a new beer in honor of doing this, because lord knows I’m not capable of doing this sober!

So, without further time-wasting, let’s get to the point.

RECAP: It’s Ana’s birthday, and her step-dad (and also the only real father figure in her life) is in the hospital after a severe car accident involving a drunk driver. Christian get’s Ana a bunch of dumb shit to remind us all how rich he is (like a charm bracelet that might as well be for a 13 year old, oh, and also a FUCKING CAR). Christian does something surprisingly sweet and invites a bunch of Ana’s family and friends (she still has those?) to a dinner up in Portland. Ana talks to her mom a little bit and reinforces gender stereotypes (WHAT A SHOCKER). Later, Ray (her step-father) finally wakes up.

NOTHING HAPPENED LAST CHAPTER, WOW.

ANYWAY.

Chapter Nineteen

So, Ray wakes up, and that’s all nice and good and whatever but…I don’t really care? He’s been in like 0.2% of these books. If he was someone I was supposed to care about, maybe he should have been like…an actual character?

I take up his hand in both of mine and cradle it against my face. “You’ve been in an accident. You’re in the hospital in Portland.”
Ray frowns, and I don’t know if it’s because he’s uncomfortable with my uncharacteristic display of affection or that he can’t remember the accident.

Um. Listen, writers. If you want something to be “uncharacteristic,” you need to SHOW US THAT ITS UNCHARACTERISTIC, you can’t just be like, “oh yeah, btw, this is uncharacteristic as fuck lol bye” IN BOOK FUCKING THREE. This should have been set up AGES AGO. If Ana and her dad are weird about physical affection, FUCKING SHOW THAT??? THIS ISN’T ROCKET SCIENCE.

Ana gets the nurse, who pages the doctor. Ana then goes out to the waiting room to find Christian and tell him the news. Christian asks how Ray is.

“Talking, thirsty, bewildered. He doesn’t remember the accident at all.”
“That’s understandable. Now that he’s awake, I want to get him moved to Seattle. Then we can go home, and my mom can keep an eye on him.”

“HEY WIFE, YOUR DAD’S AWAKE? COOL, LET’S GET HIM MOVED TO A HOSPITAL CLOSER TO US SO WE CAN GO THE FUCK HOME AND MY DUMB MOM CAN WATCH HIM SO WE DON’T HAVE TO. THIS HAS ALL BEEN A MASSIVE INCONVENIENCE UGH BUT THANKFULLY IT’S OVER.”

Ok, maybe I’m being unfair. Christian does seem to relax after Ana tells him Ray is ok, the “tension around his eyes vanishes,” which is nice. I’m glad he’s concerned about his father-in-law. But like…if your father-in-law just woke up out of a coma, maybe your first reaction shouldn’t be like “he’s awake? Great, LET’S MOVE HIM. I WANT TO GO HOME.”

Christian mentions how Ana hasn’t stopped smiling. Weird, it’s almost like HER FUCKING FATHER JUST WOKE UP OUT OF A COMA??? I WONDER WHY SHE HASN’T STOPPED SMILING?????

Apparently they just…left? Ray woke up and they were just like “lol BYE BITCH.” The valet pulls Ana’s new car around to the front, and Christian “eyes [it] with lust”. Please don’t fuck a car, dude. Please.

“Shall we celebrate?” [Christian] asks as we enter the foyer.
“Your dad.”
I giggle. “Oh, him.”

eyebrow raise eric

YOUR DAD JUST GOT OUT OF A COMA???? PLEASE KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS FOR MORE THAN 2 MINUTES. WHAT THE FUCK.

They go back to their hotel room, where they get dinner and Ana wears nothing but “Christian’s T-shirt and [her] panties.” Great. Thank you. DON’T YOU THINK THIS IS A LITTLE…FAST??? YOU JUST CAME FROM A HOSPITAL??????

“What do you want to do?”
He raises an eyebrow, amused. “What I always want to do.”
“And that is?”
“Mrs. Grey, don’t be coy.”

clint eastwood disgusted

I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN. PLEASE. PLEASE DON’T DO THIS.

Reaching across the dining table, I grasp his hand, turn it over, and skim my index finger over his palm. “I’d like you to touch me with this.” I run my finger up his index finger.
He shifts in his chair. “Just that?” His eyes darken and head at once.
“Maybe this?” I run my finger up his middle finger and back to his palm. “And this.” My nail traces his ring finger. “Definitely this.” My finger stops at his wedding ring. “This is very sexy.”
“Is it now?”
“It sure is. It says this man is mine.” And I skim the small callous that has already formed on his palm beneath the ring. He leans forward and cups my chin with his other hand.
“Mrs. Grey, are you seducing me?”
“I hope so.”
“Anastasia, I’m a given.” His voice is low. “Come here.” He tugs my hand, pulling me into his lap. “I like having unfettered access to you.”

SHE’S YOUR FUCKING WIFE, NOT A SHOW PONY. OF COURSE YOU HAVE ACCESS TO HER, BUT HER CONSENT IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT???? “Unfettered access?” Are you serious?

So they do the whole weird flirty sexy thing, and Ana says “Maybe I need to be restrained.”

“What are you going to do about it?” I challenge.
His eyes glitter. “I know what I’d like to do about it. Depends if you’re up to it.”
“Oh, Mr. Grey, you’ve been very gentle with me these last couple of days. I’m not made of glass, you know.”
“You don’t like gentle?”
“With you, of course. But you know…variety is the spice of life.” I bat my lashes at him.
“You’re after something less gentle?”
“Something life-affirming.”
He raises his brows in surprise. “Life affirming,” he repeats, astonished humor in his voice.

Ok, guys, this is like, actually super important and encouraging.

CHRISTIAN GREY IS BASICALLY ASKING FOR CONSENT HERE.

ANA IS TAKING CONTROL OF THE SITUATION AND CHRISTIAN IS HESITATING AND ASKING WHAT SHE WANTS.

AND THIS IS HUGE.

This is insane to me. I don’t really even have anything to criticize here. And, as I’ve said before, I give credit where  credit is due. And, for once, credit is due here. While the consent isn’t as clear as you could hope, it IS consent, and that is a BIG DEAL in this shit show of a series. Ana is saying she wants something rougher, and Christian is double-checking (ish) to see what she wants.

THIS IS GREAT.

I mean, not great. I still hate both of them (and also RAY JUST GOT OUT OF A FUCKING COMA??? IDK about you guys but like, my family members being in the hospital doesn’t get me all hot and bothered usually?)

[PS: I just opened a new beer, solely to prepare for the oncoming sex scene.]

Ok, so Christian takes off Ana’s t-shirt, leaving her naked except for her panties. He then goes and puts a towel down on the sofa, which is both concerning and considerate. (I mean, they’re at a hotel, I’m glad they’re not just going full-nasty on the couch)

Ana is ordered to take off her panties and sit on the couch.

He grabs me by my ponytail again and pulls my head back. “You’ll tell me to stop if this gets too much, yes?”
I nod.
“Say it.” His voice is stern.
“Yes,” I squeak.

thumbs up

I’M LIKE…BIZARRELY PROUD RIGHT NOW! Christian actually obtained consent and made it clear that Ana should tell him if she feels uncomfortable at any time! This is incredible! It’s almost like they have a healthy relationship!

Almost!

So Christian uses the belts off of the hotel-supplied bathrobes and ties Ana’s legs while she’s on the couch so they’re pulled apart. He also asks “Okay?” while he’s doing it, which is like SUPER BIZARRE to me, because I can’t remember a single other time he was this consistent and kind about asking for consent? He usually tries to get Ana drunk first, or he just intimidates her into giving consent. THIS IS A BIG DAY, GUYS.

Christian goes over to change the music, because apparently he can’t bone anyone without a proper soundtrack.

How does he do this? Here I am, trussed up and horny as hell, while he’s so cool and calm. He’s just in my field of vision, and I watch the flex and pull of the muscles of his back under his T-shirt as he changes the song. Immediately, a sweet, almost childlike female voice starts to sing about watching me.

What the fuck…did he just put on like, Enya or something? Nothing gets a girl in the mood quite like a good Enya song.

Christian asks Ana to hold out her hands, and squirts some kind of oil on them before asking her to rub her hands together. Then he asks her to touch herself, “start at your throat and work down.”

ugh

Here we go, friends. Everyone get your drinks ready! Lets see, what are some good drinking game rules…

  • Drink if Ana refuses to name any of her body parts
  • Drink if Ana clearly misunderstands how certain body parts work
  • Drink if Ana says “Oh my” or anything similar
  • Drink every time there’s an ellipses

I promise I wrote those before I started reading this part. WE’LL SEE HOW ACCURATE IT IS! (Hopefully not too accurate, I’ve only got half a beer left…)

Ana follows directions and starts at her throat and works down to her breasts.

Oh my. I gently tug at my nipples.

Drink.

My muscles clench deep in my belly. I groan in response and pull harder on my nipples, feeling them stiffen and lengthen beneath my touch.

I swear to god, Ana’s nipples turn into weird snake-creatures whenever anything sexy happens. Why do they keep elongating! I mean, like, sure, nipples change shape and get hard and whatever, but the way Ana talks makes it sound like she’s rolling out bread for baguettes, not playing with her nipples.

Also, drink.

“Again. I want to see you. See you enjoy your touch.”
Oh fuck. I repeat the process. This is so…erotic.

Drink.

“Keep still, Ana. Absorb the pleasure.”

Feel the pleasure. Taste the pleasure. BE THE PLEASURE.

Christian, exuding sexuality, runs his tongue along his teeth Holy fuck… I writhe, pulling on the restraints.

That wasn’t a typo, there really isn’t a period before “holy fuck” in my copy.

Also, drink.

Also…like, idk, a dude licking his teeth isn’t enough to get me going? I guess Ana has a teeth fetish or something, because she is going HAM on this shit.

My hands glide over my stomach down over my belly.

Isn’t…isn’t your stomach your belly? I don’t…

Drink. Just drink. We’re all drinking this whole time anyway, might as well drink one more time.

“Lower, he mouths, and he is carnality personified.
“Christian, please.”
His hands glide down from my knees, skimming my thighs, toward my sex.

JUST. SAY. VAGINA. OR CLIT. OR ANYTHING. PLEASE.

(Also, drink)

“Come on, Ana, touch yourself.”
My left hand skims over my sex, and I rub in a slow circle, my mouth an O as I pant.
“Again,” he whispers.
I groan louder and repeat the move and tip my head back, gasping.

IT’S ALMOST LIKE SHE’S NEVER TOUCHED HERSELF BEFORE.

OH WAIT.

SHE HASN’T.

Hey, kids, masturbation is great and you should try it. You can’t expect someone else to pleasure you if you don’t know how to pleasure yourself!

Oh, and also, drink. Because she still can’t refer to her body parts as anything other than vague nicknames. Like, I’d even accept “folds of skin” or something. I just…”my sex” isn’t good enough, ok. Not when you’re writing a sex scene. Especially not when you’re writing a sex scene starring a character who is FUCKING MARRIED, AND WHO SHOULD KNOW HER WAY AROUND A VAGINA BY NOW.

So Ana continues touching herself, but when she tries to touch Christian, he restrains her hands, because that’s not part of the dealio, apparently.

I groan. He releases me then eases his middle two fingers inside me, the heel of his hand resting against my clitoris.

HOLY SHIT.

SHE REFERRED TO A BODY PART BY ITS NAME.

confetti HIMYM

I’M LIKE, REALLY PROUD RIGHT NOW.

MY BABY IS GROWING UP!

“I’m going to make you come quickly, Ana. Ready?
“Yes,” I pant.
He starts to move his fingers, his hand, up and down, rapidly, assaulting both that sweet spot inside me and my clitoris at the same time. Ah! The feeling is intense–really intense. Pleasure builds and spikes throughout the lower half of my body. I want to stretch my legs, but I can’t. My hands claw at the towel beneath me.
“Surrender,” Christian whispers.

“Surrender?” This isn’t the goddamned battle of Yorktown, dude. You’re not at war, you’re just trying to make a girl cum. Calm down.

Of course, Ana comes literally the second he says that.

I explode around his fingers, crying out incoherently. He presses the heel of his hand against my clitoris as the aftershocks run through my body, prolonging the delicious agony. Vaguely, I’m aware that he’s untying my legs.

Gosh, she’s using “clitoris” left and right all of a sudden! It’s like character development, except really it’s writer development. And also it’s not that much development because this should have been happening from the beginning, but still, GOOD JOB! YOU TRIED!

Christian says “My turn” and flips Ana over, and now it’s time for Man Sex, and Ana immediately is ready to cum again, because she’s apparently a robot or something. It’s been 2 seconds! Bodies don’t work like that!

I guess we can drink for that. Except my beer is already empty. Boo.

Anyway, the scene switches, and suddenly they’re cuddling post-sex, and talking about how much they like each other’s butts. Great.

Except the song that’s playing mentions something about being sweet (idk, the reference is vague?) and Ana says “And I think there’s a lot that’s sweet about you.” Which is apparently not something that Christian wants to hear, because his smile immediately fades, and suddenly Ana needs to start reminding her husband of why he’s not a terrible awful no-good very bad person. So they exchange “I love you”s, but Christian still looks “lost.”

Like…Ok, I get it. He’s got a “tortured past” or whatever. All 4 years of it (that happened when he was barely young enough to remember). But Ana keeps being like “it will take time to heal all of his wounds!” and like, yes, I get it, it takes time (and a lot of work!) to get over severe PTSD-type stuff like this, but like…Christian should be actively seeing his psychiatrist if it’s still this much of an issue that he can’t accept love from his own wife. But he’s not seeing his psychiatrist, and that’s not good.

See your psychiatrist, folks. If you can afford it, of course. And also don’t enter into a marriage with someone that you feel the need to “fix.” It’s not your job to fix anyone except yourself (and you don’t need fixing, you just might need helping sometimes).

Anyway.

They go back into the bedroom and are going to watch TV, but then Ana decides…uh…

“Well, Mrs. Grey, now that you’ve got me, what are you going to do with me?”
I lean down and whisper in his ear, “I am going to fuck you with my mouth.”

WELL THEN.

So then we get a scene change, and suddenly it’s morning and Ana wakes up to find Christian already at work, typing an email. Apparently, a detective, Clark, wants to interview Ana in relation to Hyde.

In case you forgot (because lord knows I almost did), Hyde was Ana’s former boss who tried to assault her in the break room or whatever at their office, but she fucking OWNED HIM (it was amazing) and he got fired. BUT THEN he like…tried to break into the apartment and kidnap Ana? He’s like, terrible at being a criminal. But he’s in jail now so whatever.

But the detective wants to interview Ana about Hyde, and it’s so important that the detective is going to come all the way to Portland to interview her today. But first, they go see Ray, who seems to be doing pretty…fine, actually? Apparently Portland hospitals are full of miracles and you can go from being in a coma to being almost perfectly fine in less than a day.

Ray asks for Donuts, so Ana goes out to the waiting room to tell Christian she’s going to get Donuts. Apparently the detective will be there in a few hours. Also, Christian asks Ana to take Taylor (his security guard) with her, and she agrees, but rolls her eyes.

“There’s no one here.” His voice is deliciously low, and I know he’s threatening to spank me. I am about to dare him, when a young couple enters the room. She is weeping softly.

I shrug apologetically at Christian and he nods. He picks up his laptop, takes my hand, and leads me out of the room. “They need the privacy more than we do,” Christian murmurs. “We’ll have our fun later.”

I need to be much more drunk for this

YOU’RE IN A FUCKING HOSPITAL???? WHAT THE FUCK. CHILL YOUR BONER FOR LIKE 2 FUCKING HOURS YOU PSYCHOS.

“Oh I guess we’ll let this crying girl have the room to herself…” WELL YEAH I FUCKING HOPE SO. YOU JUST WANTED TO USE THE ROOM TO DO WEIRD KINKY SHIT. WHAT A FUCKING SACRIFICE FOR YOU.

The scene cuts, and suddenly the detective is here. The detective is only there to see Ana, but she insists that she wants Christian to stay.

“Mrs. Grey, Mr. Hyde maintains that you sexually harassed him and made several lewd advances toward him.

UM. WHAT.

THAT WAS LIKE THE ONE TOTALLY AWESOME PART OF THIS GODFORSAKEN TRASH PILE.

ANA TOTALLY KICKED HIS ASS WHEN HE TRIED TO BE A TOTAL CREEP TO HER.

AND NOW HE’S…ACCUSING HER OF BEING A CREEP???

WHAT.

Oh! I almost burst out laughing, but put my hand on Christian’s thigh to restrain him as he shifts forward in his seat.
“That’s preposterous,” Christian splutters. I squeeze Christian’s leg to silence him.
“That’s not true,” I state calmly. “In fact, it was the other way around. He propositioned me in a very aggressive manner, and he was fired.”
Detective Clark’s mouth flattens briefly into a thin line before he continues.
“Hyde alleges that you fabricated a tale about sexual harassment in order to get him fired. He says that you did this because he refused your advances and because you wanted his job.”

Ok, like, admittedly, I know nothing about how the legal process works, and I’ve never been part of a criminal investigation before, but like…this interview seems…real weird. Why wouldn’t he just ask her questions? And be like “Did you make sexual advances toward Mr. Hyde?” and stuff? Why would he be like “Well HE said that this happened!” like it’s fucking high school?

Basically he sounds like a terrible detective.

But Ana handles it well!

“What Hyde says is simply ont true.” My voice sounds calm, although I feel anything but. I’m bewildered by these accusations and nervous that Christian might explode. What’s Jack’s game? “Mr. Hyde accosted me in the office kitchen one evening. He told me that it was thanks to him that I had been hired and that he expected sexual favors in return. He tried to blackmail me, using e-mails that I’d sent to Christian, who wasn’t my husband then. I didn’t know Hyde had been monitoring my e-mails. He’s delusional–he even accused me of being a spy sent by Christian, presumably to help him take over the company. He didn’t know that Christian had already bought SIP.” I shake my head as I recall my distressing, tense encounter with Hyde.
“In the end, I-I took him down.”
Clark’s eyebrows rise in surprise. “Took him down?”
“My father is ex-army. Hyde…um, touched me, and I know how to defend myself.”

Ana, you’re being modest, you fucking OWNED HIS ASS. IT WAS AMAZING.

It’s been nearly an entire book and I’m still not over that. If this whole series was about Ana taking down weird creepy dudes, it would be MUCH, MUCH BETTER.

Christian asks Detective Clark if he’s talked to any of Hyde’s former PAs. Clark says he has, but they won’t talk much. Christian says he’s had the same problem. Naturally, Clark asks why Christian felt the need to investigate Hyde’s former Personal Assistants.

Christian gives him a steely glare. “Because my wife worked for him, and I run security checks on anyone my wife works with.”

confused cary grant

Christian…buddy…you can’t just say that and act like it’s normal. This is SUPER NOT NORMAL. People don’t usually…investigate their significant other’s bosses. That’s…super fucking creepy. WHAT A SURPRISE. CHRISTIAN IS BEING CREEPY!

Then Clark and Christian start talking about other elements of the case that Ana isn’t familiar with. Apparently Hyde may have been the one that sabotaged Christian’s helicopter way back when, and there’s something to do with a note? This is all news to em, and apparently it’s news to Ana as well.

Clark finally leaves.

“Can you believe that asshole?” Christian explodes.

HE WAS JUST DOING HIS JOB, CHRISTIAN. WHAT THE FUCK. CALM DOWN.

“Clark?”
“No, that fucker, Hyde.”

Oh. Nevermind. I was so ready for Christian to be completely unreasonable that I’m now completely taken aback that he’s being sort of reasonable.

…this is weird.

Anyway, the scene changes, and suddenly Ray has been moved to some amazing rehab center in Seattle, courtesy of Christian and his boatloads of money. Ana is with Ray, even though apparently she should be at work. Her blackberry buzzes, but it’s a number she doesn’t recognize, so she lets it go to voicemail. Finally, Ana leaves the hospital.

“Mrs. Grey! Mrs. Grey!”
Turning, I see Dr. Greene hurrying toward me, looking her usual immaculate self, if a little flustered.

Oh. Oh shit. That’s Ana’s OB/GYN, the one that she kind of didn’t really get a choice about, because Christian is weird and stupid about condoms and refuses to use them, so instead forces his partners to go on their choice of hormonal BC, even though hormonal BC can be really difficult to deal with depending on your body chemistry and can have adverse affects and isn’t something that you should just do because your boyfriend is a dick about condoms.

AS YOU CAN TELL I’VE GOTTEN OVER IT SINCE THEN.

“Mrs. Grey, how are you? Did you get my message? I called earlier.”
“No.” My scalp prickles.
“Well, I was wondering why you’d cancelled four appointments.”
Four appointments? I gape at her. I’ve missed four appointments! How?
“Perhaps we should talk about this in my office. I was going out for lunch–do you have time right now?”
I not meekly. “Sure. I…” Words fail me. I’ve missed four appointments? I’m late for my shot. Shit.

wait what froze

UM.

WHAT.

They go to Dr. Greene’s office.

“Yes…it’s been over thirteen weeks. You’re cutting it a bit close. We’d better do a test before we give you another shot.”
“A test?” I whisper, all the blood rushing from my head.
“A pregnancy test.”
Oh no.

FUCK??!??

She reaches into the drawer of her desk. “You know what to do with this.” She hands me a small container. “The restroom is just outside my office.”

FUCK!!!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. How could I have let this happen…again? I suddenly feel sick and offer a silent prayer. Please no. Please no. It’s too soon. It’s too soon. It’s too soon.

When I reenter Dr. Green’s office, she gives me a tight smile and waves me to the seat in front of her desk. I sit down and wordlessly hand her my sample. She dips a small white stick into it and watches. She raises her eyebrows at it turns pale blue.
“What does blue meen?” The tension is almost choking me.
She looks up at me, her eyes serious.
“Well, Mrs. Grey, it means you’re pregnant.”
What? No. No. No. Fuck.

fuck i'm pregnant

End of Chapter Nineteen

UM. HOLY SHIT.

Like, ok, no dude should force his GF/Wife/Whatever to go on birth control without discussing it extensively and helping her make the decision (because it’s HER BODY NOT YOURS YOU CREEP). But…once you’re on BC…like, FUCKING KEEP TRACK OF THAT SHIT?

I get it. The pill sucks. I’ve been there, friends. But like, if you’re on the shot…SET A FUCKING APPOINTMENT IN YOUR PHONE??? DON’T JUST FUCKING LET THAT SLIDE? THE FUCK?

OR!! GET AN IUD!!!! Like it hurts like fucking HELL but at least you don’t have to worry about surprise vagina gremlins?

It obviously takes 2 people to get preggo, so I’m not solely blaming Ana here, but like…the FUCK, Ana! GET IT FUCKING TOGETHER!!

So I guess now there’s a baby to worry about. GOOD THING THEY ALREADY HAVE A STRONG, HEALTHY, NOT-AT-ALL-ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP TO BRING A CHILD INTO!!!!1!1! THIS IS ALL FINE AND GOOD AND I’M NOT CONCERNED AT ALL!

jon stewart judging

(Ok. I lied. I am concerned.)

I have no idea when I’ll get the next chapter up, but I’ll try to not wait like almost a whole year for the next one!

As always, thank you for reading, and for continuing to read even though I am terrible at posting things on time! You guys are amazing!

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 18

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Look at me, posting things on time! Amazing!

RECAP: Ana finds out from José that her step-dad, Ray, is in the hospital after getting in a car accident while on a fishing trip with José and his dad. Ana rushes out to the hospital in Portland, where she holds José’s hand (which seems like a PHENOMENALLY bad idea when you’re married to Christian), but then Christian shows up and is actually…kind of fine? They find out that Ray is in a coma because he’s got potential brain damage. Christian has his mom come out and help with Ray’s treatment (except she doesn’t really? she just is there? for some reason?). Ana spends a whole lot of time reminding us that her step-dad is a very important father figure in her life (she calls him “daddy” like 30 times. WHY). Christian makes a bizarre pop culture reference that makes no sense. They go back to the hotel and go to bed (withOUT having sex, shockingly).

Hopefully chapter 18 is less exciting than 17 was. I don’t know if I can handle all of that action.

Chapter Eighteen

Ana wakes up, and for a moment she forgets where she is and why she’s there. And then she remembers, in the most unnecessarily dramatic way possible:

“Shit! Daddy!” I gasp out loud, recalling with a gut-wrenching surge of apprehension that twists my heart and starts it pounding why I’m in Portland.

Jesus H. Christ. That description would be more fitting if she saw her dad get LITERALLY STABBED in front of her. Also that sentence structure is convoluted as FUCK. Like, pick ONE description of how you’re feeling here, you don’t need THREE OF THEM.

Ugh.  I’ve seen actual 8-year-olds write better than this.

Christian immediately comforts Ana, and tells her he already called the hospital and found out that Ray’s doing fine. Other than, you know, being in a coma.

OH, also it’s Ana’s birthday. Christian gives her a small box with a tiny gift card that says: “For all our firsts on your first birthday as my beloved wife. I love you.” Ugh. Gag me.

Oh my, how sweet is that?

Uh, not very sweet? It’s honestly a pretty standard thing to tell your wife that you love her on her birthday? Ana, you’ve set the bar so low that Christian literally can just step over it.

Uggghhhhh he got her a charm bracelet, and all the charms represent things they’ve done together (including a vanilla ice cream cone, in honor of them having “vanilla” sex. You disgust me).

I fondle the last two charms: a letter C — oh yes, I was his first girlfriend to use his first name. I smile at the thought. And finally, there’s a key.
“To my heart and soul,” he whispers.

vomit gif toddlers in tiaras

I’m literally going to vomit all over myself. HE ALREADY GAVE YOU THE KEY TO HIS HEART AND SOUL, IT’S CALLED YOUR WEDDING RING AND YOU’RE WEARING IT RIGHT NOW.

Like wow, cool, you love each other. NO ONE CARES. That shit is only romantic if you’re like 14 and it’s Valentine’s Day.

Maybe I’m just a cynical asshole, but like…come the fuck on.

They eat breakfast and Ana goes to brush her teeth before heading over to the hospital.

A memory springs unbidden to my mind. I used his toothbrush after I first spent the night with him. I smirk and grab his toothbrush in homage to that first time.

Okay, I just want all of us to look back on one of my favorite terrible moments from this shitfest of a book series. This is from Fifty Shades of Grey, Chapter 5:

I want to clean my teeth. I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm…Glancing guiltily over my shoulder at the door, I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp. He must have used it already. Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double-quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill.

YUP, THAT’S A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

The weirdest part is that, when compared up close like this, the writing actually IS a lot better in book 3 than it was in book 1. Which is sad, because the writing in Freed is still AWFUL. At least E.L. James has finally learned how to use a variety of sentence structures. It only took her 2+ books to learn that lesson, so impressive!

Anyway.

They get in the elevator and start referencing the first time they kissed, and honestly, it is kind of a funny throw-back? But that’s because that kiss was literally one of the only well-written sexy things in this entire series. I give credit where credit is due, and that elevator kiss was pretty excellent…at least until their tongues start doing a “slow erotic dance” (direct quote, I’m not even kidding).

Oh good, now Ana and Christian are recreating that elevator kiss.

He groans into my mouth and cups my head, cradling me as we kiss–really kiss, our tongues exploring the oh-so-familiar but still oh-so-new, oh-so-exciting territory that is the other’s mouth.

This whole scene is suddenly oh-so-vomit-worthy. Congratulations.

My inner goddess swoons, bringing my libido back from purdah.

ACoops is judging you

Just when you thought the “inner goddess” bullshit was gone forever…

Also, in case you’re ignorant like me, here’s what “purdah” is referring to: “The practice among women in certain Muslim and Hindu societies of living in a separate room or behind a curtain, or of dressing in all-enveloping clothes, in order to stay out of the sight of men or strangers.”

Okay, look, E.L. James. You’re writing a book populated ENTIRELY by white people and horribly stereotypical people of color (of which there are LITERALLY TWO). You DO NOT get to just throw out terms like “Purdah” and think that’s ok. It’s not okay. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you don’t know anything about Muslim/Hindu culture, so you don’t get to just fucking use the word “Purdah” like you know what it means. It doesn’t make your book seem “cultured,” it doesn’t make your writing look clever, it doesn’t even make that line fucking INTERESTING. All it does is make you look like a piece of shit who appropriates parts of other cultures that you don’t even understand.

“Purdah” has a long history, and a lot of depth and details which YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU TOOK TWO SECONDS TO LOOK AT EVEN JUST THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE. I highly doubt that’s a term that’s okay to use when talking about your character’s inner sex machine??? The FUCK is wrong with you.

Anyway.

They get outside and SURPRISE, Ana’s rich bastard of a husband bought her a car. Whoop di fucking doo.

My face splits into a huge grin, and my inner goddess does a back flip off the high dive.

uuuuuUUUGGGHHHHH STOP IT.

ARE YOU GOING TO GO FUCK IN THE CAR? PUT YOUR GODDAMNED “INNER GODDESS” AWAY.

They get in the car and Christian immediately starts criticizing Ana’s driving. Great. Just what I wanted to read about.

They finally get to the hospital, and Ray’s condition hasn’t changed. Apparently Christian’s dad is a lawyer and is suing the drunk driver who hit Ray’s car. Cool.

A bunch of hospital stuff happens, the nurse checks on Ray, they await some scans, things like that. None of it is very exciting or interesting.

Ana realizes she hasn’t heard from her mom in awhile, and her mom doesn’t know about Ray. Her mom also hasn’t called to wish Ana a happy birthday, which is kind of rude. Ana calls, but her mom doesn’t pick up. That seems like something Ana should be more concerned about, but she’s pretty whatever about it?

Ana and Christian start talking about Christian’s “Taiwan thing,” for his mysterious business. Again. VERY boring. Ana asks him why he works so hard all the time (which it doesn’t seem like he does, but ok).

“I don’t want to be poor,” he says, his voice low. “I’ve done that. I’m not going back there again. Besides…it’s a game,” he murmurs. “It’s about winning. A game I’ve always found very easy.”

Oh, gee! All you have to do to become a multi-billionaire is just decide to not be poor anymore! AMAZING! It’s just a game! Wow, who knew it was so easy?

annoyed with paper

Literally just shut up right now.

Ana talks about how much she loves all of Christian’s different personalities (philanthropic Christian…megalomaniac Christian…control-freak Christian…just to name a few). Then she calls him “Fifty Shades” again, which apparently is supposed to be exciting or clever or something, but really it just feels EXCEEDINGLY forced.

They leave the hospital, and Christian lets Ana drive (shocking). They go grab lunch at the place they went after José’s photography show in book 2. Apparently this is some kind of montage episode bullshit. Yeah, I get it, I’ve read all three of these fucking books, trust me, I REMEMBER EVERY PAINFUL SECOND OF IT.

They go back to the hospital. Nothing has changed. They leave again.

Godddd I can feel my brain fucking liquefying.

They go back to the hotel, and Christian has planned a fancy dinner at the hotel restaurant, and had Taylor go buy Ana a fancy dress and shoes. Great. He ALSO had Taylor go buy fucking BLACK, LACEY LINGERIE FOR HIS WIFE.

THAT’S TOTALLY NOT FUCKED UP AT ALL.

“I look forward to taking this off you later.”

HER DAD IS STILL IN A COMA YOU PIECE OF SHIT. MAYBE SHE DOESN’T WANT TO DO KINKY SHIT WITH YOU RIGHT NOW?

But of course she will. This is Anastasia Steele we’re talking about, after all. If Christian wants to have sex, she’s not going to tell him no.

They head down to dinner, and every woman they pass shoots Ana envious glares because Christian looks so attractive. Because, in case you forgot, the natural female state is “jealous bitch.” Except for Ana, who’s a “cool girl,” who’s “special.”

God help me, I want to shoot my eyes out.

They get to the table and find Kate, Elliot, Mia, Ethan, Carrick (Christian’s Dad), and Grace (his mom), José and Mr. Rodriguez, and Ana’s mom and her husband, Bob.

Okay, now this is ACTUALLY a really sweet thing to do. The charm bracelet thing was pretty bogus, but this is like, a super great surprise for someone’s birthday. Well done, Christian. It feels weird not to get mad at you.

We get literally like 3 pages of all these people greeting Ana, and I’m not even going to recap it because it’s horribly boring. Ana gets a cake with candles and wishes for her dad to get better.

Finally everyone leaves and they go back to the hotel room and sex is implied, but we don’t have to suffer through it, thankfully.

The next morning, all the Greys and Kate and her brother return to Seattle in Christian’s helicopter (I have no idea who’s flying it though…). Honestly, I kind of want the helicopter to crash, because literally NOTHING bad has happened this whole chapter, and it’s SO GODDAMNED BORING.

BAD THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN IN STORIES. CONFLICTS HAVE TO HAPPEN. OTHERWISE IT’S NOT A STORY.

Ughhhhh.

Ana and Christian go back to the hospital. Ray still hasn’t woken up. Ana’s mom comes with, and they have heartfelt moments where everyone cries. Ana and her mom have a heart-to-heart about her mom’s relationship with Ray (which ended because she just couldn’t live with him, apparently?), and they talk about Ana and Christian.

“You look so good together, Ana. So happy.”
“We are, I think.”

You THINK? What a vote of confidence for your marriage, Ana. Real promising start.

“Getting there, anyway. I love him. He’s the center of my world. The sun rises and sets with him for me, too.”

LITERALLY STOP. Loving him is great, but “love” should not mean “MY WORLD WOULD FUCKING END IF I LOST HIM.” You should be your own person, Ana. Come on.

“Make sure you tell him. Men need to hear that stuff just like we do.”

AH YES, LET’S REINFORCE THE GENDER STEREOTYPES A LITTLE MORE IN THIS BOOK. EVEN THOUGH MEN ARE EMOTIONALLY STUNTED SACKS OF TESTOSTERONE, THEY STILL NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU LOVE THEM!

Literally what the fuck, Ana’s mom.

…also I can’t remember for the life of me what her mom’s name is. If only someone had made some kind of character list to keep track of everyone in these books….

OH YEAH.

(P.S. her name is Carla. I just had to look it up. Thank god I made that character list, seriously, it’s so hard to keep track of everyone in this trash heap.)

Carla and her husband leave, and Ana and Christian leave then too. They come back at the end of the day, and they find that Ray has been taken off the ventilator and is breathing on his own. Ana starts reading the sports page to Ray, so he can hear the soccer scores.

“And the final score, Sounders 1, Real Salt Lake 2.”
“Hey, Annie, we lost? No!” Ray rasps, and he squeezes my hand.
Daddy!

FASCINATING. Totally didn’t see that coming. What a shocker.

End of Chapter Eighteen

Please, for the love of god, MAKE SOME ACTUAL FUCKING CONFLICT HAPPEN IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.

I’M SO BORED I’M GOING TO CRY.

HOLY SHIT.

Anyway, thanks again for reading! I’ll try and get the next chapter up next week, but as always, no guarantees.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 12 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So then Ana wakes up in the playroom to Christian having a bad dream. Ana wakes him up from that, and he immediately rolls over and pins her to the bed and starts making out with her, and clearly wants to have sex?

I mean, usually when I wake up from a nightmare, my first thought isn’t “OH MY GOD I HAVE TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW,” but maybe that’s just me.

But Ana has a different reaction (as she so often does), and is immediately turned on by this whole thing, and starts thinking about how she wants to “heal him,” and have him “heal” her too, and I don’t know what that means, but it sounds an awful lot like she thinks that having sex can fix the problems they have in their relationship, which is a pile of laughable bullshit, but whatever.

They have sex, Christian cums, but Ana doesn’t, and this is practically devastating to Ana. She’s literally never had to deal with a sexual encounter that didn’t result in her orgasming (the last time, and only time, it happened was when she safe-worded, and that doesn’t really count), so I guess this must be pretty shocking to her.

Christian, to his credit, immediately notices that she didn’t finish, and starts going down on her. This may be one of the only (if not THE only) redeeming quality he has. So that’s nice, and that page-long encounter is one of the few actually sexy parts of this book. Well…provided that you completely ignore the two preceding chapters, and Christian’s entire character, and just imagine that a sexy man is going down on a sexy lady…then it’s sexy. But once you realize that it’s Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele…the scene loses its luster.

And then…oh, they just immediately start having sex again. Because apparently Christian only needs to wait literally 5 minutes to get a new boner. Is that kind of turn-around time even possible for dudes? Maybe for a small minority of men, and probably only very rarely, if at all. I…I don’t think Ms. James actually knows how penises work, to be honest.

They both finish, and then they decide to go to bed in their actual bedroom, not in the playroom.

Suddenly it’s 3:20 AM and Ana wakes up to find that Christian isn’t in bed.

dramatic chipmunk

SO SUSPENSEFUL. WOW.

Ana hears the piano playing in the other room. She goes to find him, and he says he’s really shaken up by the whole situation.

“A deranged asshole gets into my apartment to kidnap my wife. She won’t do as she’s told. She drives me crazy. She safe words on me.” He closes his eyes briefly, and when he opens them again, they are stark and raw. “Yeah, I’m pretty shaken up.”

I’m so glad you put “Ana doesn’t do what she’s told” in the same category as “Jack Hyde attempts to kidnap my wife.” Those two problems are definitely of equal severity.

Christian seems to be FAR MORE upset that Ana went to the bar without his permission than he is about Jack Hyde breaking in. Which is pretty fucked up.

Christian then says that he dreamed that Ana was dead, which I imagine would be a pretty horrifying dream, but it doesn’t make me feel bad for him in any way because he is literally irredeemable in my eyes. He’s a manipulative, abusive asshole, and no amount of sad nightmares will make me forget that.

They go back to bed, and wake up much more peacefully. Unfortunately, that means that Ana wakes up and has plenty of time to reflect on things, which means I’m in for an exceedingly boring couple of pages. Ugh. I hate when Ana has time to think about things, nothing she says in these parts is every interesting.

Christian wakes up, and SURPRISE they’re going to Aspen. Because when you’re a rich bastard you can just wake up and decide to go to Aspen. Over-privileged dick.

They get to the airport and find out that Christian has also invited Kate, Elliot, Mia, and Ethan (Kate’s brother). That was nice of him. It’s also nice that none of them have jobs that don’t allow them to take vacation time. I mean, I read a lot of fantasy novels, and I’m pretty good at suspending my disbelief, but the level of sheer absurdity that takes place in this series is astonishing. I think Westeros is a more realistic world than the one in this series, to be honest.

The plane ride is largely boring, with Kate interrogating Ana and Christian about the Jack Hyde business, and how apparently Jack Hyde might have been working with someone else. Ana asks if it could be Elena (formerly known as Mrs. Robinson), but Christian dismisses the idea. There seems to be something weird going on between Kate and Elliot, but we don’t know what it is yet.

End of Chapter Twelve

Well, at least this chapter wasn’t as horrifying as the last two. So there’s that. This one was pretty routine, mostly boring, with a few sentences thrown in to remind me exactly why I hate Christian Grey so much.

I have no idea when the next chapter will be up, but hopefully it will be next week sometime! No guarantees, obviously, but I’ll do my best. Thanks for reading! You all are seriously the best.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 12 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I literally had to take a leave of absence from this blog because the last chapter made me so furious that I couldn’t see straight. But I’m back! Because apparently I’m a glutton for punishment. I also blog with renewed purpose, because now that the 50SoG trailer is out, interest is going to start escalating, and I want to give all of you the knowledge that you need in order to successfully argue with the poor people who’ve been sucked into the nightmare that is these books. Hopefully, by reading this blog, you have all the information you need to destroy anyone in an argument about these books. And you don’t even have to read the books to get that information!

I, however, DO need to read these books (and am in fact reading them a second time for the sole purpose of accurately and adequately liveblogging them), so let’s get started.

God help me.

RECAP: Let’s make this fast, kids. So Christian is still mad at Ana for going out without his permission, so she gets home from work to find him all sexed-up in his ripped jeans, and they kind of have a conversation about their issues, except Christian doesn’t seem to actually listen to Ana, and is all caught up in the bullshit idea that HOW DARE SHE LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT ASKING MY PERMISSION. Ana pretends like she knows Christian isn’t going to hurt her (“physically, anyway”), which is bullshit because THEY LITERALLY STARTED DATING BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BEAT AND FUCK HER SO BADLY but I mean whatever. Then they decide that Ana needs to eat, even though they haven’t really resolved any problems, and Christian starts sexy-feeding Ana and spitting wine into her mouth (and literally nothing could be less erotic than spitting a drink into someone else’s mouth, but whatever). Then they head over to the playroom, where more sexy stuff ensues. Christian keeps trying to make this whole thing a metaphor for how Ana makes him feel, so he plays with her nipples and teases her lady-bits but won’t let her orgasm. He does this several times, until Ana realizes that he’s doing this out of revenge, not out of love, so she says the safeword (“red”) and begins sobbing.

Christian, to his credit, does immediately stop, and unties Ana and holds her and stuff, but then he tries to act like he didn’t do anything wrong, and says that “orgasm denial is a standard tool” in BDSM (which is bullshit because you know what else is standard in BDSM? INFORMED. FUCKING. CONSENT.) and he also basically says that this is all Ana’s fault for not obeying him or some shit, which is a literal pile of garbage and I can’t even get into how actually insane this whole relationship is. And then GUESS WHAT! ANA STARTS APOLOGIZING FOR BEING SELFISH AND GOING OUT TO THE BAR WITHOUT CHRISTIAN’S PERMISSION. FUCK EVERYTHING. But then they go back to talking about the thing with Jack Hyde, and it’s revealed that Jack Hyde is from Detroit, which is also where Christian was born, and we’re supposed to gasp in shock at this, but I can’t find it in me to give a singular shit about that plot point because WHAT THE FUCK, CHRISTIAN GREY IS A GODDAMNED NIGHTMARE-MAN.

GAH. STILL LIVID. FUCK.

Anyway.

Chapter Twelve

The chapter opens with Ana and Christian still discussing Jack Hyde. We learn that Christian and Elliot were both adopted in Detroit, but then the whole family moved to the west coast before Mia was born.

boring me back to death

I don’t have words to describe how little I care about everything that they’re saying.

And then they start talking about Christian’s childhood, and Christian tries to say that “that part of [his] life is done,” which it clearly isn’t, because his childhood is allegedly (according to him) the reason why he feels the need to beat women (and just because he has a “reason” doesn’t mean he has an excuse for his actions, because it’s never okay to beat anyone. End of story).

“I know it’s why you feel the need to control me. Keep me safe.”
“And yet you choose to defy me,” he murmurs baffled, his hand stilling in my hair.

SHE CHOOSES TO LIVE HER LIFE LIKE A GODDAMNED ADULT, WHICH MEANS SHE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO GO WHERE SHE WANTS, WHEN SHE WANTS, WITH WHO SHE WANTS, YOU PSYCHOTIC PUDDLE-OF-FUCKS.

“and yet you choose to defy me” BY GOING OUT WITH HER FRIENDS, YOU VOLCANO OF DILDOS?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

And Ana isn’t even mad about that! She’s just like “omg do I do that on purpose?!” I don’t care if you do it on purpose, Ana, what I care about is the fact that your goddamned husband won’t let you go out with your friends without his permission.

“Christian, I know you loved your mom, and you couldn’t save her. It wasn’t your job to do that. But I’m not her.”

I don’t…understand…what? He has told you that he enjoys beating women who look like his mom. That was his number one reason for dating you. I have no idea how that stems from the fact that he couldn’t save his mom. I also don’t know how all of these mental issues could come from the fact that he was abused by his mother’s pimp, and his mother’s early death, because all of that happened before Christian was 4 years old? And I know kids can retain a lot of that stuff, and it doesn’t surprise me that he has emotional issues because of that abuse/emotional hardship, but these specific issues don’t seem to make sense in that context. His trust issues, the fact that he has trouble being touched, that makes sense. The need to beat women? I don’t know, but I’m inclined to think that those issues come from his own fucked up brain, and his sad, broken childhood (1-2 years of which he wasn’t old enough to remember) doesn’t really account for (and DEFINITELY doesn’t excuse) his terrible behavior that results from those issues.

I also have no idea how on earth Christian even survived as a baby…also if his mom was addicted to crack…shouldn’t Christian have more health problems? How was he born so beautiful and perfect, without a single health defect, when he came from a woman (and presumably a man) who had so many health issues?

I just don’t buy any of Christian’s history. It doesn’t explain his personality. Maybe I’m just ignorant about how such a childhood could affect someone, but it seems REALLY far-fetched to me.

“I’m not her. I’m much stronger than she was. I have you, and you’re so much stronger now.”

Ana, you’re “stronger” than Christian’s crack-whore mother? Really? You don’t know anything about that woman’s life. You came from a white, upper-middle-class family, who, aside from having problems with divorce and things, could give you anything you ever wanted. You didn’t have to worry about going to school, or getting a well-paying job (even though you have a goddamned English degree), or having a place to live or food to eat. Christian’s mother could have been born poor, or other such circumstances could have driven her to do drugs. Maybe she needed to be a sex worker to pay the rent, to pay for food, to pay for basic necessities. And, since prostitution is still illegal in the U.S., she had to put herself in a very dangerous position, without the benefit of police, or adequate healthcare, or any kind of real support, just to make money. And then she got pregnant, and had a baby, and had to take care of that baby, and obviously she did a pretty okay job of that, under the circumstances, considering the fact that Christian is even alive right now. And then she was beaten to death by a man that she had no hope of escaping from, because she had no money without him, no home without him, no food without him, and she had a baby to worry about, and, as a sex worker, where else was she supposed to go? Sure, there are homes and places that will take people like that in, but what if her pimp found out that she’d run off? What might happen to her? So instead she stayed. And dealt with the beatings. And dealt with her own flaws, and her own shitty life, and then died at a very young age, alone and sad in a dirty apartment.

And you, Ana, you who have everything you ever wanted, you who has never wanted for anything in your whole life, you say that you’re somehow stronger than that woman? Really?

I call bullshit.

Anyway, so then Christian asks Ana why she safe-worded.

I swallow. “Because…because you were so angry and distant and…cold. I didn’t know how far you’d go.”

NOW TELL ME AGAIN, HOW IS THIS RELATIONSHIP NOT ABUSIVE?

If you’re in a situation with your partner, and you are literally terrified of them because you “don’t know how far they’ll go,” that is FUCKED UP and you need to GET THE FUCK OUT.

And then Christian says he’s “glad” that Ana safe-worded because he got “carried away” and he doesn’t “want to hurt” Ana.

I just can’t believe the literal fountain of bullshit excuses that is spewing from Christian’s mouth right now. I mean, really, it’s quite impressive.

But Ana just thinks this is all endearing and charming, and they talk about how much they need each other, how much they missed each other, how much they love each other, and then they go to sleep. Ugh. Vomit.

Caitlin Liveblogs the Fifty Shades trilogy: SPECIAL REPORT

So, as I’m sure many of you saw, a teaser trailer has been released for the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie, that is set to come out this coming Valentines Day (in 2015).

Here it is, in all of it’s glory:

I tried to embed the video, but I am pretty historically terrible at doing that, so here’s the link as well, in case the above video doesn’t work:

So, as the resident expert on this awful, horrifying nightmare of a book series, here are my thoughts:

THIS TRAILER IS SETTING UP AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

THIS TRAILER LOOKS LIKE A TRAILER FOR A MOVIE THAT’S ABOUT HOW A WOMAN FALLS IN LOVE WITH AN ABUSIVE MAN. IT LOOKS LIKE A THRILLER MOVIE ABOUT A BAD, ABUSIVE MAN, SOMEONE WHO IS CAPABLE OF STALKING, BEATING, THREATENING, OR OTHERWISE ABUSING/HARMING A WOMAN.

So, as far as I’m concerned, it actually looks pretty accurate to the books. And maybe women will see this and go “wait…why does he seem like he constantly wants to rape her?”

I mean, fucking jesus, look at what happens about :50 into the video. The elevator doors close, and the music swells, and the music doesn’t crescendo like it does in romantic scenes of movies, it crescendos the way it does when Wendy is trying to get out of the bathroom window in The Shining, right before Jack Nicholson axes the door.

I don’t see how this movie can be “romantic,” because it just screams “abuse.” And if the movie stays faithful to the books, it will LITERALLY just be porn. Bad porn.

However, the movie does have one really great advantage over the books: when you watch the movie, you won’t have to suffer through pages upon pages upon pages of Anastasia Steele’s god-awful internal dialogue. No “internal goddess,” no up-tight subconscious, no 20 pages of useless thoughts and opinions that don’t advance the plot or develop the characters in any way.

So, I guess there’s that?

I don’t know. I just keep thinking of the movie “Fear,” with Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon, the one where it starts off romantic and then suddenly people are carving names into their chests and holding a family hostage inside their home. If there is any kind of truth in this movie, they will change the ending and show Christian Grey for what he actually is: a manipulative fuck-bucket who derives happiness and pleasure from causing pain (emotional and physical) to women, and who enjoys stalking people and preventing his girlfriend/wife from going out in public with anyone other than him. But I’m sure that instead the movie will try and make Christian seem like the “perfect man” that so many people think he is, and I will have a thousand more people to argue with about this bullshit.

What are your thoughts?

[PS: I’m working on the next chapter of liveblogs right now, so you can hopefully expect them later tonight, or tomorrow at the latest.]