Caitlin Liveblogs the Fifty Shades trilogy: SPECIAL REPORT

So, as I’m sure many of you saw, a teaser trailer has been released for the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie, that is set to come out this coming Valentines Day (in 2015).

Here it is, in all of it’s glory:

…

I tried to embed the video, but I am pretty historically terrible at doing that, so here’s the link as well, in case the above video doesn’t work:

So, as the resident expert on this awful, horrifying nightmare of a book series, here are my thoughts:

THIS TRAILER IS SETTING UP AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

THIS TRAILER LOOKS LIKE A TRAILER FOR A MOVIE THAT’S ABOUT HOW A WOMAN FALLS IN LOVE WITH AN ABUSIVE MAN. IT LOOKS LIKE A THRILLER MOVIE ABOUT A BAD, ABUSIVE MAN, SOMEONE WHO IS CAPABLE OF STALKING, BEATING, THREATENING, OR OTHERWISE ABUSING/HARMING A WOMAN.

So, as far as I’m concerned, it actually looks pretty accurate to the books. And maybe women will see this and go “wait…why does he seem like he constantly wants to rape her?”

I mean, fucking jesus, look at what happens about :50 into the video. The elevator doors close, and the music swells, and the music doesn’t crescendo like it does in romantic scenes of movies, it crescendos the way it does when Wendy is trying to get out of the bathroom window in The Shining, right before Jack Nicholson axes the door.

I don’t see how this movie can be “romantic,” because it just screams “abuse.” And if the movie stays faithful to the books, it will LITERALLY just be porn. Bad porn.

However, the movie does have one really great advantage over the books: when you watch the movie, you won’t have to suffer through pages upon pages upon pages of Anastasia Steele’s god-awful internal dialogue. No “internal goddess,” no up-tight subconscious, no 20 pages of useless thoughts and opinions that don’t advance the plot or develop the characters in any way.

So, I guess there’s that?

I don’t know. I just keep thinking of the movie “Fear,” with Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon, the one where it starts off romantic and then suddenly people are carving names into their chests and holding a family hostage inside their home. If there is any kind of truth in this movie, they will change the ending and show Christian Grey for what he actually is: a manipulative fuck-bucket who derives happiness and pleasure from causing pain (emotional and physical) to women, and who enjoys stalking people and preventing his girlfriend/wife from going out in public with anyone other than him. But I’m sure that instead the movie will try and make Christian seem like the “perfect man” that so many people think he is, and I will have a thousand more people to argue with about this bullshit.

What are your thoughts?

[PS: I’m working on the next chapter of liveblogs right now, so you can hopefully expect them later tonight, or tomorrow at the latest.]

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I’M ALIVE. Sort of. Maybe.

So it’s been literally forever since I posted.

Literally.

As in time has ceased to exist in the absence of my posting and no one is even alive anymore and this post is just being sent off into the void.

I don’t even exist. I’m just a bundle of energy meandering through the universe, powered only by my hatred for 50 Shades of Grey.

…this post has gotten out of hand.

SO ANYWAY IT’S BEEN ALMOST EXACTLY A MONTH.

Thank you for bearing with me here. I’ve been working and whatever, and we had thanksgiving at my house, and it was all kinds of ridiculous, but I’ll try and be a better blogger this month.

This post is to let you know that some liveblogs are in the works right now, as we speak. They will be posted later tonight as I finish them, so you can read them and hopefully enjoy my anger. Huzzah.

So thank you so so much for your patience, and for all the comments y’all leave and the likes I get on these posts. I get emails about all of them, and it makes me very happy, and you guys are the best.

SO. BACK TO WORK.

Caitlin Liveblogs the 50 Shades trilogy: SPECIAL REPORT

Since my last liveblog, there has been some actual progress in the production of the 50 Shades of Grey movie that will inevitably be forced down our collective throat in a year or two. Though they’re still working on a script (which is to be written by Kelly Marcel, who apparently wrote for Terra Nova, the wretchedly scientifically-inaccurate TV show about humans going back in time and living with the dinosaurs), we now know who will be playing the two lead roles.

Anastasia Steele will be played by Dakota Johnson:

Christian Grey will be played by Charlie Hunnam:

While I think Dakota Johnson completely looks the part (which isn’t hard, considering the fact that the only real description we ever get of Ana is that she has brown hair), I’m…kind of shocked at the casting of Charlie Hunnam.

I mean, I’m shocked that they were able to cast anyone in either role, because no one seemed to want either role (I know Emma Watson refused to even consider it, and Armie Hammer from the Lone Ranger fiasco movie also flat out refused), but you’d think they’d cast someone who’s…idk…more Christian-like?

If there’s one thing we know from the books, it’s what Christian Grey looks like. We know what he looks like when he’s sleeping, when he’s playing piano, when they’re having sex, when he’s on a boat, when he’s taking pictures, when he looks at Ana, when he’s mad (usually at Ana), when he’s drunk, when he’s murdering women in the basement, when he’s reading books, when he’s at a bar, when he’s at a party…you name it, we know what he looks like when he’s doing it. 90% of the words in 50 Shades seem to be devoted entirely to telling us what Christian Grey looks like.

And, after reading all of those horrible descriptions, I can’t help but feel that Charlie doesn’t fit. Of course, that might just be because I don’t want him to play Christian Grey because I actually really like Charlie Hunnam, but he just…idk. I could see Charlie Hunnam playing literally any other role in the book. I could see him playing Taylor, or Ethan, or Elliot. ANYONE ELSE but Christian.

But maybe he’ll somehow make the movie slightly less unbearable to watch. Maybe.

To be honest, I’m just glad they didn’t cast Emilia Clarke as Ana. I love Emilia too much to see that happen.

Apparently E.L. James originally wanted Robert Pattinson to play Christian. L. O. L. As if he’d take part in another atrocious movie franchise. The poor guy already hates his life, why make it worse for him?

“But Caitlin, you’re talking like you’re already planning to see this movie…don’t you hate the books? Why would you go see the movie if you know you’re going to hate it?”

Sh-shut up. I’m…not. Uh. I’m definitely not going to see the movie ever because I definitely don’t want to see how much of a train wreck it is.

*cough*.

No but seriously, I fully plan to go see this movie once it comes to my local theater and I can pay like $5 for it instead of $14 trillion. I plan to watch it the same way I look at car crashes on the highway and the same way I watch disasters on the TV. I plan to watch it because it will be terrible.

I also plan to see the movie for the same reasons I’m reading all 3 books. I like to stay well-informed about things that I violently like. If I’m going to debate someone on the merits (as well as the horrifying flaws) of 50 Shades, I better do my research. I don’t want anyone to be able to shut down my arguments by saying “Well, you didn’t read that part of the book/watch the movie, so you don’t know. That part/movie was really good, though, I promise.”

I plan to point out the flaws in every aspect of this franchise because I want people to know that those flaws exist. It’s our job as consumers of media to be able to recognize the flaws in the media we consume, because those flaws can lead to really hurtful/dangerous/scary thoughts in our brains. Media shapes our culture. It seems only fair that we should try and shape the media by recognizing the flaws in it and working to change them in the future.

ANYWAY.

Long story short, the movie is probably going to be awful no matter who’s in the cast, but at least Dakota Johnson fits the part and Charlie Hunnam is a babe.

I think we all know who should have played Christian Grey though…

Who do YOU guys think would have been the best choices for the cast of 50 Shades? Leave your answer in the comments, I’ll post my favorites sometime next week!

Stay tuned, Chapter 15 will be up later tonight!

No posts today, sorry!

I’ve got a very busy weekend, and I just don’t have time to post today. I’m going to a concert tonight! And I was at a concert last night! And I have a going away party to go to on Saturday! And I’ll be staying in the city!

So yes. I’m bad at blogging once again.

New posts will resume on Monday, as per usual.

Sorry for the delay!

I’m back, y’all!

After recently graduating with a degree in creative writing, I finally have time to give this blog the attention it deserves!

Expect Chapter 4 to be up in a little while.

Depending on how much I get done tonight, I may start posting a new chapter every weekday (Monday through Friday). We’ll see if that happens or not.

Thanks for sticking with me! I’m shocked my blog has continued to get views/comments while I’ve been on hiatus. Y’alls are awesome.

TIME TO BLOG.