Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 12 [Part 3]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

 Thankfully, we don’t have to read about the rest of that awful sex scene. That poor, poor piano…

They go to bed, wake up, and immediately start talking about Christian’s childhood. We don’t learn any new information, other than the fact that he remembers “the crack whore” baking him a birthday cake, and he remembers his adoptive parents bringing home Mia.

Wow. Stunning character development. Really learned a lot about him here.

[sarcasm. so much sarcasm.]

Taylor drives Ana and Christian to work. On the way there, Ana remembers that Kate’s brother, Ethan, who’s moving in to their apartment, is arriving today, although she doesn’t know when. Christian is very strict and tells her she’s not allowed to go out alone, but that Sawyer, one of the other security people, will drive her to go meet Ethan at whatever time.

Christian also tells Ana to only email him on her blackberry, so she’s not using her work email, which she should have been doing already but whatever.

Or, and maybe this is just a crazy concept, but MAYBE Ana shouldn’t be emailing her goddamned boyfriend while at work.

WHAT A CRAZY IDEA.

Then Christian gets a call from Elena. Apparently there’s some really silly and reasonable explanation for the blackmailing episode. It sounds like Elena’s current sub set it up as some sort of scene or something for the bedroom? I don’t really know. It’s never explained, that’s just what I’m getting from the bits of conversation that we get from Christian’s end of things.

When Ana gets to work, Jack starts off being instantly creepy, and compliments her dress. He then asks her to get him some coffee. She goes into the kitchen and ends up talking to one of the other girls who works at the office for like 10 minutes, because apparently Ana doesn’t know how to stay on task. When she brings Jack his coffee, he snaps at her and asks what took her so long. He immediately apologizes though, and calls her “honey.”

Ugh. I want to vomit.  If there’s one thing E.L. James has done well in this book it’s that she wrote one of the slimiest characters in the history of ever. Gross.

Ana heads back to her desk and proceeds to not do ANY work, and instead emails Christian a whole bunch.

After running out and grabbing Jack lunch from the deli again (this time she takes Sawyer, her security guard, with her), Jack asks Ana if she’s free to go out for a drink tonight. Ana says she’s got a friend coming in from out of town, so she can’t.

Excuses like that will only work for so long, Ana. It’d be better if you told him straight up that you didn’t feel comfortable going out for drinks with your boss because it seems unprofessional or something. If he doesn’t back off, call HR. If he’s being creepy, you have every right to tell him to back off, and if he doesn’t respect your wishes and/or treats you badly because of it, call HR and get his ass written up and/or fired.

Ethan calls Ana, and they decide to meet up in about 45 minutes.

Ana emails Christian to tell him, except she uses her work email because she’s a fucking idiot. Christian says he’ll come pick her up and they’ll meet Ethan and go out for dinner together.

Ethan comes to pick up keys to the apartment so he can start moving his stuff in. Jack is seen creepily watching from the corner. Ana goes back to work.

Christian comes to pick Ana up. Jack calls Ana “Honey” again when he says goodbye. Fucking creep.

They go to Ana’s apartment. Christian gets a phone call, so he stays in the car to talk while Ana goes to get Ethan from inside.

I step into the apartment, and I don’t know why, but I freeze instinctively as soon as I step inside. I take a moment to realize it’s because the pale, wan figure standing by the kitchen island, holding a small revolver is Leila, and she’s gazing impassively at me.

-End of Chapter Twelve-

That last “suspense” sentence, about Leila, is unnecessarily long and ridiculous. But I guess it gets the job done? I don’t know.

But anyway.

Oh shit, Leila’s back!

FUCKING SHOOT ALL OF THEM LEILA.

THE REST OF THE BOOK IS ALL ABOUT LEILA GETTING HER SHIT TOGETHER AND GOING TO JAIL.

FIFTY SHADES OF LEILA BEING WAY FUCKING BETTER THAN ANA AND CHRISTIAN COMBINED.

Anyway.

See you on Wednesday! Hopefully someone gets shot in the next chapter!

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 12 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

“And that reminds me. If you’re going to leave your office, let me know. Sawyer was there, watching you. It seems I can’t trust you to look after yourself at all.” He scowls down at me, making me feel like an errant child–again.

YUP BECAUSE WHEN YOU’RE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, YOUR PARTNER SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A CHILD CONSTANTLY.

SHE LEFT HER FUCKING OFFICE FOR A COUPLE MINUTES, CHRISTIAN.

IF LEILA REALLY WANTS TO SHOOT ANA BADLY ENOUGH THAT SHE’LL DO IT IN BROAD DAYLIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A DELI, I DOUBT HAVING A SECURITY GUARD WITH HER WOULD HELP HER OUT MUCH.

HOW DOES “LEAVING HER OFFICE BECAUSE SHE WAS ORDERED TO BY HER BOSS” EQUAL “NOT LOOKING AFTER HERSELF.”

WHAT WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO DO? “OH, HOLD ON JACK, I HAVE TO CALL MY BOYFRIEND TO MAKE SURE IT’S ALRIGHT FOR ME TO LEAVE THE BUILDING FOR 2 FUCKING SECONDS BECAUSE APPARENTLY I’M A FUCKING TODDLER WHO ISN’T ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING ON MY OWN.”

FUCK. THIS.

“Seems I can’t trust you either,” I mutter. “You could have told me Sawyer was watching me.”
“Do you want to fight about that, too?” he snaps.
“I wasn’t aware we were fighting. I thought we were communicating,” I mumble petulantly.

YUP THIS IS THE HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIP POSSIBLE.

When Christian brings up something Ana did wrong, she’s just supposed to sit there and take it, apparently. But when ANA brings up something CHRISTIAN did wrong, suddenly it’s a fucking argument and HOW DARE ANA BRING UP SOMETHING THAT CHRISTIAN MAYBE SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER ABOUT.

I’M PRETTY SURE “HAVING YOUR GIRLFRIEND SECRETLY WATCHED” IS ON THE LIST OF “THINGS YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND.”

Can we ever have a normal conversation without it disintegrating into an argument? It’s exhausting.

IT’S CALLED YOU SHOULD FUCKING BREAK UP WITH HIM BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

We just don’t know each other that well. Do I really want to move in with him?

NOPE. YOU DON’T. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.

Christian goes to “do work,” whatever that means. I’m still not really sure what Christian even does. All I know is that he has a lot of meetings and buys companies at random and somehow makes $100,000 an hour. Because that’s a thing that makes sense and can happen in real life. Yup. Definitely realistic.

Ana decides to call Ray, her step dad, but we don’t get a transcript of the conversation. Ray asks about how things are with Christian, and Ana just blatantly lies and says everything is fine, which is stupid because she clearly needs advice and she should say “Hey, dad, Christian asked me to move in with him but I don’t know if it’s the right time. I care about him a lot, but I don’t know if we know each other well enough yet.” And then Ray could give some solid advice, because Ray seems like a good person, and I don’t know how he raised such a stupid, spineless person, but whatever.

Ana changes for bed, but decides to go read a book in Christian’s library, which is also where the pool table is. She finds the ruler that he used to spank her with still there, and tests it out on her palm. Not surprisingly, it hurts.

Why can’t I take a little more pain for my man?

EXPLAIN TO ME AGAIN HOW THIS BOOK ISN’T GLORIFYING ABUSE.

“BUT IT’S CONSENSUAL!”

NO IT’S NOT CONSENSUAL BECAUSE SHE CLEARLY DOESN’T ENJOY IT AND ONLY DOES IT BECAUSE HE LIKES IT AND IN MY MIND THAT’S NOT REALLY “CONSENSUAL.”

IT’S ALSO NOT CONSENSUAL BECAUSE SHE’S FUCKING TERRIFIED OF HIM.

Ana settles down to read some old classic novel because she’s a special snowflake/quirky girl and is just so “unique” and isn’t anything like all those “other girls” who only read magazines. How special and interesting her life must be.

Ana falls asleep reading, and wakes up to Christian finding her and carrying her to bed. She wakes up again around 2 AM, after a nondescript nightmare about something scary at the end of the bed, and hears piano music coming from the great room.

WOW IT’S LIKE WE’VE ALREADY SEEN THIS EXACT SCENE LIKE 40 TIMES BEFORE.

[well, maybe it was only once. Or twice. I know it’s happened at least once, but I feel like it’s a more common occurrence than that.]

Ana goes to talk to him, and they start talking about why they fight, except they immediately stop having an actual discussion and instead start having sexy times.

For the love of GOD can you two PLEASE just COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS instead of FUCKING EACH OTHER EVERY 15 GODDAMNED MINUTES.

Oh god they’re going to have sex on the piano.

Why are they having sex on the piano.

Why is this happening.

He kisses me…there…Oh boy…then gently blows before his tongue circles my clitoris.

REFER

TO

YOUR

GODDAMNED

VAGINA

BY

NAME.

FUCK.

Also, I don’t even know where “there” is! Is he kissing her labia? Her actual vaginal opening? Above her clitoris?

THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS DOWN “THERE.” CHERYL YOUR VAGINA IS A COMPLEX PLACE. YOU CAN’T JUST SAY “THERE” AND EXPECT US TO KNOW WHERE HE’S KISSING YOU.

Also, why the FUCK can you say “clitoris” without batting an eye, but “vagina” is just TOO MUCH for you.

Fuck this entire book. The entire fucking thing.

So then Christian starts to get Ana off, but stops before she climaxes, which is frustrating for her.

“This is my revenge, Ana,” he growls softly. “Argue with me, and I am going to take it out on your body somehow.”

GODDAMMIT.

GOD DAMN EVERYTHING.

THIS IS SO, SO FUCKED UP.

SHE’S NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE WITH HIM, OR ELSE HE’LL PUNISH HER SOMEHOW.

SHE’S NOT ALLOWED TO VOICE HER FEELINGS OR EXPRESS ANY KIND OF FRUSTRATION WITH HIM BECAUSE HE DOESN’T LIKE IT AND WILL PUNISH HER FOR IT.

THIS IS LITERALLY A TEXTBOOK ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

IT’S NOT A CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE IF SHE “ARGUES” WITH HIM HE’LL “PUNISH HER”.

THIS

IS

ABUSE.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 12 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

WOOOAAAAHHHH WE’RE HALFWAY THERE

WOOOAAAAHHHH LIVIN’ ON A PRAYER

TAKE MY HAND, WE’LL MAKE IT I SWEAR

WOOOOAAAAAAHHH LIVIN’ ON A PRAYER!

Bon Jovi speaks to me.

We’re halfway done with this book, y’all.  Which means we’re also halfway done with this nightmare of a trilogy.

Let’s do this.

RECAP: Christian wins their game of pool so he gets to spank Ana and then fuck her on the pool table. He makes her promise to tell him to stop if/when it gets to be too much, although he fails to ask her if it’s okay to spank her with a ruler, which seems EXCEEDINGLY STUPID considering that hitting her with a belt made her leave. Ana deals with the pain by chanting “this is for him” over and over again in her head, because a healthy relationship is all about silently dealing with physical pain for the sake of your partner’s pleasure. Also, apparently being hit with a ruler hurts less if the person hitting you says they love you. Now tell me, how does this book NOT glorify abusive relationships?

The next day, Ana goes to work and proceeds to not work at all and instead emails Christian all day. Jack asks Ana to come with him to some convention in New York for a couple days later in the week, and it sounds like a really great career opportunity, although Jack is CREEPY AS HELL about it. Ana still wants to go, and thinks herself capable of fending him off, but Christian immediately tells her she can’t go, because apparently he’s her fucking dad. She basically tells him to go fuck himself because she’s going to this thing, but then, since Christian OWNS THE FUCKING COMPANY, he makes it so she’s not allowed to go. They argue through email for the rest of the day, before finally resolving to talk about it later in person. Ana goes out to get lunch for Jack, even though Christian made her promise not to leave work at all, and it turns out that Christian was HAVING ANA WATCHED and gets really pissed at Ana for leaving, even though she didn’t have a choice. Christian also mentions that he knows something sinister about what happened to Jack’s previous personal assistants. Ana has to work late to prepare stuff for Jack since now she’s not going to New York with him. Ana also gets an email from Mrs. Robinson asking to meet for lunch, because apparently “Leave Her Alone” doesn’t mean anything to Mrs. Robinson. Jack is terrifyingly creepy towards Ana, until Ana mentions that her boyfriend is THE Christian Grey, which is when Jack stiffly walks away and ignores Ana for the rest of the night.

Christian picks Ana up, and they’re kind of wary of each other, until they start making out. And then they have sex in the elevator, and it’s gross. BUT THEN they actually have an HONEST AND OPEN CONVERSATION about their feelings, except I don’t really know if anything gets resolved? But then they just start telling each other that they love each other and I want to puke on everything. And then Mrs. Robinson just shows up, because I guess she can just do that.

That was a really long recap, but the last chapter pissed me off SO FUCKING BAD.

Still not over how pissed off I am about the “this is for him” bullshit.

ANYWAY.

-Chapter Twelve-

So Mrs. Robinson just shows up, and is all “surprised” that Ana is at Christian’s apartment, since it’s Monday and he never had his Subs stay over during the week. She also claims to “accept” that Ana doesn’t want to talk to her, except I’m pretty sure “accepting” that would mean that she wouldn’t fucking email Ana at work asking to have lunch. That doesn’t sound like she’s “accepted” anything.

Mrs. Robinson, or Elena, as I suppose I should start calling her, since her name is Elena Lincoln, not Mrs. Robinson, says she has a problem that she needs to discuss with Christian. Elena clearly wants Ana to leave the room, but Christian says “Anastasia’s with me now,” so I guess they’re going to talk about some super secret shit.

Oh shit, apparently Elena is being blackmailed? Whoever it is is asking for $5,000, which is literally NOTHING to these people, but I guess we’re still supposed to see it as a big deal or something.

If you didn’t want to be blackmailed, Elena, maybe you shouldn’t fuck underage boys?

I don’t even know if that’s what’s being used to blackmail her, but I can only assume it’s something along those lines.

Ana decides to go to bed, since she feels out of place, which sucks because that means we don’t get to hear the rest of Christian’s conversation with Elena.

EXCEPT ANA JUST STANDS OUTSIDE THE ROOM AND EAVESDROPS, FUCK YEAH.

Christian offers to have his personal private investigator look into it, but Elena says: “No, Christian, I just wanted to share.”

What the fuck is this, Show and Tell day at fucking kindergarten?

You don’t come over on a Monday night, unannounced, wanting to just “share” your bullshit. You’re stupid.

Then Elena starts commenting that Christian looks “happy,” and Christian replies that he IS happy, and she says he deserves to be, and he comes back with “I wish that were true.”

I swear to god, sometimes Christian sounds like he’s quoting a very angsty 8th grade diary entry.

“I wish that were true.”

Jesus. You’re 28 years old. If you’re still unable to deal with your stupid issues from when you were THREE YEARS OLD maybe you should be on some medication or seeing a different therapist. Or MAYBE you shouldn’t be in a RELATIONSHIP because YOU CAN’T EXPECT ANA TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT AND/OR FIX YOU.

Then they get in an argument because Elena asks Christian if he misses his playroom, and Christian tells her it’s none of her business, and basically tells her to go fuck herself (although he doesn’t actually say that. I really wish he did.).

Finally, Elena agrees to have Christian’s investigator dude look into her blackmail shit.

They do sound like old friends, as Christian says. Just friends. And she cares about him–maybe too much. Well, who wouldn’t, if they knew him?

Who wouldn’t care about Christian?

Oh, I don’t know, maybe EVERY SANE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD BECAUSE HE’S A GIANT BACK OF COCKS?

Christian comes and meets Ana in the bedroom after Elena leaves, and when Ana asks to know more about his past with Elena, he gets really unreasonably pissed at Ana and screams at her?

Yup. He’s a real catch there, Ana. Good job.

Oh, and then he’s just fine? And asks Ana what she wants to know?

What the fuck is wrong with him.

They start talking about his relationship with Elena, and apparently Elena is the one who encouraged Christian to fly out to Georgia to go see Ana. She was probably trying to sabotage their relationship or something, by encouraging Christian to do the ONE THING that Ana asked him NOT TO DO.

Christian then says he’s “bored” of talking about this topic and decides to go do some work. Because that’s what you do when you’re having an important conversation about past relationships with your current girlfriend. He basically said “I know you want to know more about me, but I’m bored so fuck you.”

Oh, and apparently Ana’s new car arrived a day early. But she’s not allowed to drive it, according to Christian.