Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 20

Guys. GUYS. We only have 5 more chapters left after this one. There’s only 25 official chapters in this book. I mean, there’s an epilogue, and 3 bonus chapters (uuugggghhhhh why) BUT. ONLY 5 MORE AFTER THIS ONE. IT’S ALMOST A MIRACLE.

But, first we have to get through this chapter. So let’s get on with it, shall we?

RECAP: So Ray wakes up, and its all emotional (I guess), which OF COURSE means it’s time for Ana and Christian to go back to the hotel to have some kinky sex. However, Christian actually asks for consent before the kinky sex starts, which is MIND-BLOWING to me. I’m not going to recap the sex, but just know that I made a drinking game and we all took a lot of drinks. They finish, they cuddle, Christian reminds us that he is A Very Sad And Broken Man™. Ana grossly talks about how she’s going to give Christian a blowjob, and then we (thankfully) get a scene change. A detective comes later to talk to Ana about Jack Hyde, who is apparently trying to claim that Ana assaulted HIM, which is ridiculous. Christian valiantly holds back and doesn’t lose his mind, although he DOES admit to having all of Hyde’s former PA’s talked to, just “Because my wife worked for him, and I run security checks on anyone my wife works with.” Because that’s not a creepy red flag at all, buddy. We get a scene change, and Ana is at a different hospital with Ray, because Christian had him moved. Ana gets a call, but ignores it, and then leaves, only to run into her OB/GYN, who informs her that Ana has missed FOUR APPOINTMENTS FOR HER BIRTH CONTROL SHOTS. Just to be safe, the doctor has Ana take a pregnancy test. Of course, the test says that ANA IS FUCKING PREGNANT HOLY SHIT.

I’m not even being hyperbolic here, I literally CANNOT FUCKING WAIT to read this next chapter.

Chapter Twenty

I gape at Dr. Greene, my world collapsing around me. A baby. A baby. I don’t want a baby…not yet. Fuck. And I know deep down that Christian is going to freak.

Really? You know that “deep down?” Because I know that right up fucking front, because your husband is a psychotic nightmare who can barely control his emotions when you wear a skirt that’s too short. God help you when he hears about THIS mess.

“Mrs. Grey, you’re very pale. Would you like a glass of water?”
“Please.” My voice is barely audible. My mind is racing. Pregnant? When?

Probably during all the sex you’ve been having? “Gosh, how did I get pregnant! I’ve only been having wild sex all the time recently!”

“We could do an ultrasound to see how advanced the pregnancy is. Judging by your reaction, I suspect you’re just a couple of weeks or so from conception–four or five weeks pregnant. I take it you haven’t been suffering any other symptoms?”
I shake my head mutely. Symptoms? I don’t think so. “I thought…I thought this was a reliable form of contraceptive.”
Dr. Greene arches a brow. “It normally is, when you remember to have the shot,” she says coolly.”

Ooooh judge

GET WRECKED, ANA.

What the fuck do you mean, “I thought it was a reliable form of contraceptive?” Like???? Stop????? You sound like a guy who just got stabbed with a sword saying “I thought my shield was reliable???” and the guy who stabbed him goes “It is…when you’re fucking holding it up you piece of shit.”

Come on, Ana. Did the sex ed system fail you THAT BADLY?

…To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised. Sex Ed in America is TERRIBLE.

HEY KIDS! A QUICK NOTE FROM GOOD OL’ MOMMA CAITLIN! There are lots of birth control methods of varying degrees of effectiveness, and it’s up to YOU AND YOUR DOCTOR to understand the differences and understand how each one works! And if you miss 4 doses of any birth control method other than something like an IUD, your chances of getting pregnant go WAY THE FUCK UP!!!! PLEASE BE EDUCATED ABOUT YOUR BC METHOD AND DON’T LET YOUR BOYFRIEND PRESSURE YOU INTO GETTING A SPECIFIC BC METHOD THAT YOU’RE NOT FAMILIAR/COMFORTABLE WITH!!!!!

/end rant.

So Dr. Greene suggests doing an ultrasound, because apparently she’s not busy at all and only exists to contribute to Ana’s plotline. But this isn’t a regular ultrasound, this is an advanced ultrasound.

“If you could lift and bend your knees, then part them wide,” she says matter-of-factly.
I frown warily.
This is a transvaginal ultrasound. If you’re only just pregnant, we should be able to find the baby with this.” She holds up a long white probe.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me!

Okay, a couple things.

First of all, A LITTLE WARNING WOULD BE FUCKING NICE? Like, Dr. Greene, why didn’t you just say “Hey, wanna do a transvaginal ultrasound? Let me explain what that is first!” You are a TERRIBLE doctor. “We’re gonna do this procedure, but what actually happens during the procedure is a SURPRISE!!” What the fuck.

Second,

Ana, your husband has a giant alien dick, I have a hard time believing that this “long white probe” is that much different from having sex with Christian, unless you have been WILDLY exaggerating the size of his downstairs business…which, honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised at.

“Mrs. Grey, if you could relax.”
Relax? I’m pregnant, damn it! How do you expect me to relax? I blush, and endeavor to find my happy place…which has relocated somewhere near the lost Island of Atlantis.

mark wahlberg the happening

Literally what does that even mean. I know this is supposed to be all dramatic or whatever but I’m just kind of like “…yeah yeah whatever you’re an idiot anyway moving on.”

Slowly and gently she inserts the probe.
Holy fuck!

Please don’t have a weird orgasm because of this ultrasound. I know that whenever Christian so much as breathes on you, you explode, but please, for all our sakes, hold it in this one time.

All I can see on the screen is the visual equivalent of white noise–although it’s more sepia in color. Slowly, Dr. Greene moves the probe about, and it’s very disconcerting.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. YOU CAN’T JUST SAY “DISCONCERTING” AND LEAVE IT AT THAT?????

Listen, friends, if you’re writing a story, you can’t just say “And then it was *insert descriptor here*.” That’s boring and dumb and bad, usually. That’s like saying “And then he got stabbed and it hurt.” It’s lazy, and bad, and don’t do it ever.

Instead of saying it was disconcerting, you could AT LEAST give us a quick explanation of WHY it’s disconcerting. What about it is disconcerting??? Like, come on, this is Writing 101. Show, don’t tell. Ugh.

“There,” she murmurs. She presses a button, freezing the picture on the screen, and points to a tiny blip in the sepia storm.
It’s a little blip. There’s a tiny little blip in my belly. Tiny. Wow.

doge

“It’s too early to see the heartbeat, but yes, you’re definitely pregnant. Four or five weeks, I would say.” She frowns. “Looks like the shot ran out early. Oh well, that happens sometimes.”

questioning iwan

OH WELL????

THAT’S YOUR RESPONSE?

“Oops, you’re pregnant! Oh well!”

WHAT THE FUCK??? THIS IS THE WORST DOCTOR EVER????

I am too stunned to say anything. The little blip is a baby. A real honest to goodness baby. Christian’s baby. My baby. Holy cow. A baby!

Yes, it’s a baby. I get it. We all get it. You’re pregnant. This is no longer news.

So then Dr. Greene prints out a picture for Ana to take home, and IMMEDIATELY jumps into pregnancy talk. She says they need to set another appointment in a few weeks to check up on things and set a likely due date, and she says she wants Ana to start taking prenatal vitamins and gives Ana a leaflet of “dos and don’ts.”

Are.

You.

Fucking.

Kidding.

Me.

Ok, look, I get it. I get that not everyone is pro-choice. Lots of people are anti-abortion, and I understand that abortion isn’t for everyone, but IT ISN’T EVEN MENTIONED AS A FUCKING OPTION???? MAYBE ANA ISN’T READY TO HAVE THIS BABY??? It is still WELL within the timeframe where an abortion could be performed. It’s too early for a heartbeat even? Like, it’s not even a baby at this point. It’s a blip, as Ana calls it, a bundle of cells.

Even if Ana doesn’t want to get an Abortion, it could still be offered as an option, and then Ana could be like “No, no, I don’t want that,” or something? Like, at least BRING IT THE FUCK UP.

stressed castiel

I’m going to scream.

That’s a lie. I’m already screaming.

So then Ana just…fucking…leaves? They don’t discuss her options at all? Adoption? Anything? She was CLEARLY surprised about this baby, any good doctor would, I don’t know, ACTUALLY OFFER HER SOME FUCKING ADVICE?

I’m gripped suddenly by a creeping cold and deep sense of foreboding. Christian is going to freak, I know, but how much and how far, I have no idea. His words haunt me. “I’m not ready to share you yet.” I pull my jacket tighter around me, trying to shake off the cold.

ALRIGHT, LOOK FRIENDS.

IF YOU FIND OUT YOU’RE PREGNANT.

AND YOUR MAIN CONCERN

IS THAT YOUR PARTNER IS GOING TO FREAK OUT

MAYBE YOUR PARTNER IS A BAG OF BURNING SHIT-COCKS????

Ana isn’t concerned that she’s not ready to be a mom, she’s not concerned that they’re not prepared to take care of a baby, her ONLY CONCERN is that CHRISTIAN WILL FREAK OUT, and then she is “haunted” by his words and LITERALLY PULLS HER JACKET TIGHTER AROUND HER BECAUSE SHE’S SO FREAKED OUT BY THIS CONCEPT.

THIS

IS

AN

ABUSIVE

RELATIONSHIP.

I don’t know how much clearer you need to get. I get it, finding out your pregnant can be terrifying if you’re not ready, and being scared is totally normal, but BEING SCARED OF YOUR PARTNER’S REACTION is definitely NOT normal, what the ACTUAL FUCK.

I’m like, 2 pages into this chapter, you guys. I’m already so pissed. My beer is almost empty and I am already out of fucks to give.

This isn’t going to end well for me. Or Ana, truthfully.

Ana gets in the car and tells Sawyer to take her back to work at SIP. She then sits in the back seat and dives into solemn contemplation.

I should be happy. I know I should be happy. But I’m not. This is too early. Far too early. What about my job? What about SIP? What about Christian and me? No. No. No. We’ll be fine. He’ll be fine. He loved baby Mia–I remember Carrick telling me–he dotes on her now. Perhaps I should warn Flynn…Perhaps I shouldn’t tell Christian. Perhaps I…perhaps I should end this. I halt my thoughts on that dark path, alarmed at the direction they’re taking. Instinctively my hand sweeps down to rest protectively over my belly. No. My little Blip.

really amy poehler

IT’S JUST A BUNDLE OF CELLS???? IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A HEARTBEAT??? YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER BABY LATER???????????????????????

Or like, fuck, give it up for adoption? You’re CLEARLY not prepared for this situation, and Christian is SCARING YOU, why the FUCK would you EVER bring a FUCKING CHILD INTO THAT SITUATION?? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??????????????????????

If you’re so scared that you are considering NOT TELLING YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOU’RE PREGNANT, there is something SERIOUSLY FUCKING WRONG WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT

THE

FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

So then Ana starts daydreaming about a little boy who looks like Christian running through a meadow and Christian being all fatherly. But then the scene turns dark…

My vision morphs into Christian turning away from me in disgust. I’m fat and awkward, heavy with child. He paces the long hall of mirrors, away from me, the sound of his footsteps echoing off the silvered glass, walls, and floor. Christian…

are you fucking kidding me draw

THIS SHOULD NOT BE A CONCERN THAT YOU’RE HAVING.

YOU’RE NOT FAT, YOU’RE PREGNANT.

AND EVEN IF YOU WERE FAT, YOUR HUSBAND SHOULDN’T JUST FUCKING LEAVE YOU BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING FAT EITHER??????????

I’M SO FUCKING MAD YOU GUYS.

I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS MAD IN SEVERAL CHAPTERS.

IT’S 10 PM ON A WEDNESDAY AND I MIGHT NEED TO OPEN A NEW BEER BECAUSE I’M SO MAD AT EVERYTHING THAT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

IF YOU COULD HEAR INSIDE MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW, IT WOULD JUST BE CONSTANT PTERODACTYL-LIKE SCREECHING.

There’s just so much wrong here…I can’t…I don’t even know what to say anymore. Except fuck this. Fuck all of this.

So then Ana gets to work and starts interrogating her assistant, asking if she’s moved or cancelled any appointments with Dr. Greene. Apparently Hannah HAS cancelled 2-3 of these, because Ana was in other meetings or busy. So of course it’s HANNAH’S fault that Ana is pregnant, because there’s no possible way that Ana could have KEPT TRACK OF HER OWN FUCKING DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENTS? I MEAN, WHAT DO THE REST OF US PEASANT WOMEN DO WITHOUT ASSISTANTS MAKING OUR CALENDARS FOR US? IF I HAD AN ASSISTANT, I WOULD DEFINITELY PUT THEM IN CHARGE OF HANDLING MY INTIMATE MEDICAL APPOINTMENTS, BECAUSE MY POOR LITTLE WOMEN’S BRAIN CAN’T HANDLE IT ON MY OWN.

god fucking dammit

Hannah leaves to go make some tea.

I gaze after her departing figure. “You see that woman?” I talk quietly to the Blip. “She might be the reason you’re here.”

NO. YOU’RE PREGNANT BECAUSE YOU WERE PRESSURED INTO GOING ON A BIRTH CONTROL METHOD THAT YOU KNEW NOTHING ABOUT, AND THAT YOU SUBSEQUENTLY FAILED TO KEEP TRACK OF!!!!!!! THIS IS NO ONE ELSE’S FAULT BUT CHRISTIAN’S AND YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!

Ana opens up her computer and already finds an email from Christian, saying he misses her already, even though they’ve only been apart for THREE FUCKING HOURS. He says he’ll pick her up around 6 pm, and then they can go visit Ray again. Ana just replies “Sure,” and nothing else, even though I’m sure that will send Christian into maximum overdrive crazy.

Christian immediately replies “Are you ok?” Ana has some internal dialogue talking about how she’s not ok, how she’s freaking out, but instead of you know, TALKING TO HER HUSBAND ABOUT IT, she emails him back saying “Fine. Just busy. See you at six.”

I’M SURE HE’LL HANDLE THIS JUST FINE.

We cut to later, when Ana gets in the car. She’s clearly upset, and to Christian’s credit he’s worried about her, and asks her what’s wrong. She lies, of course, and says she’s just missed him and she’s worried about Ray. Good job, Ana. Don’t tell your husband that you’re pregnant. I’m sure waiting to tell him will be a GREAT idea.

“Boy, your hand is cold. Have you eaten today?”
I blush.
“Ana,” Christian scolds me, annoyed.
Well, I haven’t eaten because I know you’re going to go bat-shit crazy when I tell you I’m pregnant.
“I’ll eat this evening. I haven’t really had time.”

IF YOU ARE THIS SCARED TO TELL HIM, THAT MEANS THIS IS A BAD. FUCKING RELATIONSHIP.

I literally don’t know how many more times I can say that. Everyone who thinks Christian is the ideal man is scarily brain-washed.

We find out that Christian will be going to Taiwan later this week. He wants Ana to go with, but she says no, because she has her job, and they’ve had this argument before. He pouts about it, but then gets over it, and says he’ll miss her. He seems completely oblivious to the fact that she’s acting like a fucking alien. What a good, observant husband.

They get to the hospital to see Ray, and he seems fine. Ana kisses him goodbye when they go to leave.

I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I kiss him. My subconscious purses her lips. That’s provided Christian hasn’t locked you away…or worse. My spirits take a nosedive.

really black and whiteare you fucking kidding me zoomnope nope octopuswhat the fuck bluth

you just know he's gonna kill you

You LITERALLY KNOW THAT HE IS A THREAT TO YOU.

THIS IS NOT A ROMANCE.

THIS IS A VERY HORRIFYING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

HOLY.

FUCK.

#SAVEANA2K16

This is so out of control, you guys. Next time anyone tells you this is a romance, kindly point them to this exact chapter, and watch them try and explain themselves out of this hole. This is literally horrifying.

The scene shifts to dinner, back at their house, where Ana is morosely picking at her food.

“Damn it! Ana, will you tell me what’s wrong?” Christian pushes his empty plate away, irritated. I gaze at him. “Please. You’re driving me crazy.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re upset, whatever, but now it’s making ME upset, so FUCK YOU.” He’s so selfish, holy shit. He’s not concerned that she’s upset, he’s angry, because it’s inconveniencing HIM. What the FUCK.

I swallow and try to subdue the panic rising in my throat. I take a deep steadying breath. It’s now or never. “I’m pregnant.
He stills, and very slowly all the color drains from his face. “What?” he whispers, ashen.
“I’m pregnant.”
His brow furrows with incomprehension. “How?”

GEE, I DON’T KNOW, CHRISTIAN, I IMAGINE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH ALL THE FUCKING THE TWO OF YOU DO.

IMAGINE

THAT.

“Your shot?” he snarls.
Oh shit.
“Did you forget your shot?”
I just gaze at him unable to speak. Jeez, he’s mad–really mad.
“Christ, Ana!” He bangs his fist on the table, making me jump, and stands so abruptly he almost knocks the dining chair over. “You have one thing, one thing to remember. Shit! I don’t fucking believe it. How could you be so stupid?”
Stupid! I gasp. Shit. I want to tell him that the shot was ineffective, but words fail me. I gaze down at my fingers. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

Ok, first, I don’t think the shot is ineffective if yoU FUCKING MISS 4 APPOINTMENTS. First you blame Hannah, now it’s the shot’s fault? Come on, Ana.

Second….this is honestly scary, guys. I don’t have any dumb rage comments to make here. This is honestly just scary, and sad, because real life women go through this every day. Abuse like this is no joke. You should never be worried that your partner will cause you physical harm. I don’t care how mad they are. That is never acceptable. Ever.

“Sorry? Fuck!” he says again.
“I know the timing’s not very good.”
“Not very good!” he shouts. “We’ve known each other five fucking minutes. I wanted to show you the fucking world and now…Fuck. Diapers and vomit and shit!” He closes his es. I think he’s trying to contain his temper and losing the battle.

Maybe you should have FUCKING THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU GOT FUCKING MARRIED???? “We’ve known each other 5 fucking minutes!” YEAH I WAS SAYING THAT LITERALLY 2 BOOKS AGO, BUT YOU WENT AND GOT MARRIED ANYWAY, ASSHOLE, AND NOW YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES. THIS IS YOUR FAULT TOO, DICK.

Also, like…you are a literal billionaire. If you want to show Ana the world, you can still do that, even if you have a kid, because you can pay for a fucking babysitter, and it’s also not hard to travel the world when you’re a literal fucking billionaire. Imagine if you were poor! Your complaints are fucking TRIVIAL, Christian. I know you’re scared, that’s fine, but getting angry because you have to maybe take care of a baby? Even though you’re fucking loaded and wouldn’t have to worry about the baby’s needs? Fuck you. Fuck you so hard. Fuck you, E.L. James for writing this awful book and tricking people into thinking that Christian is at all a good person. Fuck all of this.

“Did you forget? Tell me. Or did you do this on purpose?” His eyes blaze and anger emanates off him like a force field.

in the name of mars shut the hell up

ARE

YOU

KIDDING

ME.

Christian literally just accused Ana of getting pregnant ON PURPOSE just to SPITE HIM.

FUCK THIS SHIT 2

“No,” I whisper. I can’t tell him about Hannah–he’d fire her. I know.
“I thought we’d agreed on this!” he shouts.
“I know. We had. I’m sorry.”
He ignores me. “This is why. This is why I like control. So shit like this doesn’t come along and fuck everything up.”

FFFFFUUCCCKKKK

YYYYOOOOOUUUU

“Christian, please don’t shout at me.” Tears start to slip down my face.
“Don’t start with the waterworks now,” he snaps. “Fuck.”

shut this the fuck down

“You think I’m ready to be a father?” His voice catches, and it’s a mixture of rage and panic.
And it all becomes clear, the fear and loathing writ large in his eyes–his rage is that of a powerless adolescent. Oh, Fifty, I am so sorry. It’s a shock for me, too.

NO.

No.

You are NOT fucking MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIS BULLSHIT.

DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO HIM.

FUCK THAT.

HE’S A PIECE OF FUCKING GARBAGE SITTING IN A PILE OF MORE GARBAGE.

Ok, I get it, he had a troubled childhood (…when he was 3 years old and barely old enough to create memories, and then he was adopted by a massively wealthy family who treated him well and he never had to suffer growing up…) and he was coerced into a sexual relationship with an adult when he was a teenager (i.e. rape). I get that. But childhood trauma DOES NOT give you an excuse to act like a GIANT FUCKING SWEATY SHIT-COVERED DICK when your fucking WIFE tells you something that she is ALSO CLEARLY UPSET ABOUT.

NONE OF THIS IS EXCUSABLE. NOT ONE BIT.

“I know neither one of us is ready for this, but I think you’ll make a wonderful father,” I choke. “We’ll figure it out.”

I have no idea where you’re getting that assumption from. You told him some difficult news and he immediately started acting violently. What the FUCK makes you think it’s safe to bring a child into this house?

“How the fuck do you know!” he shouts, louder this time. “Tell me how!” His gray eyes burn, and so many emotions cross his face. It’s fear that’s most prominent.

I don’t CARE that he’s scared, he’s being a VIOLENT BAG OF COCKS! HE GETS NO SYMPATHY!

“Oh fuck this!” Christian bellows dismissively and holds his hands up in a gesture of defeat. He turns on his heel and stalks toward the foyer, grabbing his jacket as he leaves the great room. His footsteps echo off the wooden floor, and he disappears through the double doors into the foyer, slamming the door behind him and making me jump once more.

I'm gonna go stab him

Ana starts crying and the housekeeper, Mrs. Jones comes over and asks if Ana would like some tea. Ana says she wants wine, but then she rethinks it and says she wants the tea. Apparently Ana is already all in on this baby.

Mrs. Jones gets the tea and then asks if Ana wants anything to eat, and when Ana says she’s not hungry, Mrs. Jones tries to GUILT TRIP HER INTO EATING by saying “It’s not just you anymore.”

Fuck literally every member of this household.

Ana refuses again, because she understandably isn’t very hungry. She heads to the library to rest.

I dig my BlackBerry out of my purse and contemplate calling Christian. I know it’s a shock for him–but he really did overreact. When does he not overreact? My subconscious arches a finely plucked brow at me. I sigh. Fifty Shades of fucked up.

Well that’s an understatement.

AND ALSO

WHY ARE YOU MAKING IT SOUND LIKE THIS IS ALL JUST A NORMAL THING? LIKE, “Oh, sigh, my husband acted out violently and accused me of getting pregnant on purpose, that’s just so like him!”

NONE OF THIS IS OK, ANA. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE BEFORE HE LITERALLY KILLS YOU AND/OR YOUR CHILD.

Ana seems to be very confused about how to respond to this situation, and is terrified Christian won’t come back. Girlfriend, get your ass out of there and find someplace safe for you and your baby. Christian is dangerous and volatile and NOT A GOOD PERSON.

Ugggghhhhh.

Ana falls asleep in the library, but wakes up several hours later. She immediately starts patting her belly and thinking about “Little Blip.” Ugh. She gets up to go find Christian, only to discover that he isn’t home yet. She starts to worry that this is another near-death situation like when his helicopter crashed, so she sends him a text asking where he is, then goes to take a bath.

Christian doesn’t respond, so Ana goes and puts on PJs (“one of my 1930s-style satin nightdresses” are you fucKING KIDDING ME), grabs the duvet from the spare bedroom and heads to the great room to keep watch. Oh, while she’s in the spare bedroom she thinks about how that can be the baby’s room, and contemplates whether they’ll paint it blue or pink.

HOW ABOUT YOU STOP REINFORCING GENDER ROLES, ANA. HOW ABOUT THAT.

Later, Ana wakes to the sound of Christian in the foyer. Apparently he’s…wasted. Oh good.

He leans against the jamb of the foyer doors. “Mrs. Grey,” he slurs.
Crap. He’s very drunk. I don’t know what to do.
“Oh…you look mighty fine, Anastasia.”
“Where have you been?”
He puts his fingers to his lips and smiles crookedly at me. “Shh!”
“I think you’d better come to bed.”
“With you…” He snickers.

GOT judgement

…Come on, dude. Seriously? Ugh.

Ana tries to put him to bed, but he wants her to join him, which she doesn’t want to.

“And so it begins. I’ve heard about this.”
I frown. “Heard about what?”
“Babies mean no sex.”

Dude…come on. I’m just…I’m out of comments, at this point. Christian Grey is a piece of garbage who abandoned his pregnant wife to get wasted, then comes home, doesn’t apologize, and just complains about how he won’t get enough sex because she’s pregnant.

WHAT A DREAM, RIGHT LADIES?

Ugh, but Ana ends up thinking all this shit is “cute and playful?” Fuckkkk thattttt.

Then Christian starts drunkenly talking to Ana’s stomach, to the baby. It’s a little cute at first.

“You’ll choose him over me,” he says sadly.

Dude. It’s not a fucking popularity contest, this is YOUR FUCKING CHILD YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. What, you expect Ana to choose you over a LITERAL INFANT?

I mean, it would make sense, since CHRISTIAN ALSO SEEMS TO BE A LITERAL INFANT, PRONE TO TEMPER TANTRUMS AND MOOD SWINGS.

And then Christian just…falls asleep. So Ana continues undressing him? Like, that’s nice, but undressing a sleeping person is difficult, and also that seems pretty unnecessary? Also he was like…the biggest asshole?????

His shirt has come dislodged from his pants, revealing a hint of his happy trail. I can’t resist. I bend and kiss it.

gagging

I just…why. Why was that necessary. SPOILER ALERT! It wasn’t.

Ana takes off his clothes as best she can, and then kisses his temple and tells him she loves him. Then, she picks up the clothes she took off, and his blackberry falls out, which she “inadvertantly” unlocks. On the screen there’s a text.

*It was good to see you. I understand now. Don’t fret. You’ll make a wonderful father.*

It’s from her. Mrs. Elena Bitch Troll Robinson.
Shit. That’s where he went. He’s been to see her.

Okay…okay. So let me get this straight. He FREAKS THE FUCK OUT AT YOU, all because you accidentally got pregnant, he YELLS AT YOU, almost OVERTURNS FURNITURE OUT OF ANGER, and BLAMES YOU FOR GETTING PREGNANT, and then LEAVES FOR HOURS WITH NO CALL OR TEXT AND RETURNS HOME WILDLY DRUNK, and that’s fine.

And then he goes and talks to this Mrs. Robinson, which is fucked up, sure, since she sexually abused him when he was a teenager, I get that, and going to see her was super wrong, I’m not denying that.

But somehow, all the shit before this was all fine and dandy, but going to see Mrs. Robinson is somehow THE FINAL STRAW. Like…sure that’s fucked up of him to do, but on a scale from 1 to BLAMING YOUR WIFE FOR GETTING PREGNANT AND ACCUSING HER OF GETTING PREGNANT ON PURPOSE, I’d say going to see a woman you used to have sexual relations with is…I don’t know, like a 5? The scale is so fucked I don’t even know.

End of Chapter Twenty

Oh my god. This chapter took so long. It’s not even that many pages but like…the rage was so potent. I feel like I aged 20 years.

I also kept getting side tracked, and had to eat dinner, and had to take a break at one point because I was literally too angry to keep reading.

So! I’m sorry this one is posting so much later than anticipated! But I hope you enjoyed my rage, and tune in…sometime soon (maybe) for chapter 21, where I’m sure I won’t have anything more to become wildly enraged at.

Hah. Ha ha. Haaaaaa.

Thanks for reading, folks! You guys are the best, and you help keep me sane!

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 19

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

It’s been so long since I updated that the entire WordPress update page looks insane to me now. To be fair, this is entirely my fault.

HAVING A FULL-TIME JOB IS HARD AND I’M TERRIBLE AT UPDATES, AS YOU ARE ALL AWARE.

But here I am again! Ready to do another chapter! I even just opened a new beer in honor of doing this, because lord knows I’m not capable of doing this sober!

So, without further time-wasting, let’s get to the point.

RECAP: It’s Ana’s birthday, and her step-dad (and also the only real father figure in her life) is in the hospital after a severe car accident involving a drunk driver. Christian get’s Ana a bunch of dumb shit to remind us all how rich he is (like a charm bracelet that might as well be for a 13 year old, oh, and also a FUCKING CAR). Christian does something surprisingly sweet and invites a bunch of Ana’s family and friends (she still has those?) to a dinner up in Portland. Ana talks to her mom a little bit and reinforces gender stereotypes (WHAT A SHOCKER). Later, Ray (her step-father) finally wakes up.

NOTHING HAPPENED LAST CHAPTER, WOW.

ANYWAY.

Chapter Nineteen

So, Ray wakes up, and that’s all nice and good and whatever but…I don’t really care? He’s been in like 0.2% of these books. If he was someone I was supposed to care about, maybe he should have been like…an actual character?

I take up his hand in both of mine and cradle it against my face. “You’ve been in an accident. You’re in the hospital in Portland.”
Ray frowns, and I don’t know if it’s because he’s uncomfortable with my uncharacteristic display of affection or that he can’t remember the accident.

Um. Listen, writers. If you want something to be “uncharacteristic,” you need to SHOW US THAT ITS UNCHARACTERISTIC, you can’t just be like, “oh yeah, btw, this is uncharacteristic as fuck lol bye” IN BOOK FUCKING THREE. This should have been set up AGES AGO. If Ana and her dad are weird about physical affection, FUCKING SHOW THAT??? THIS ISN’T ROCKET SCIENCE.

Ana gets the nurse, who pages the doctor. Ana then goes out to the waiting room to find Christian and tell him the news. Christian asks how Ray is.

“Talking, thirsty, bewildered. He doesn’t remember the accident at all.”
“That’s understandable. Now that he’s awake, I want to get him moved to Seattle. Then we can go home, and my mom can keep an eye on him.”

“HEY WIFE, YOUR DAD’S AWAKE? COOL, LET’S GET HIM MOVED TO A HOSPITAL CLOSER TO US SO WE CAN GO THE FUCK HOME AND MY DUMB MOM CAN WATCH HIM SO WE DON’T HAVE TO. THIS HAS ALL BEEN A MASSIVE INCONVENIENCE UGH BUT THANKFULLY IT’S OVER.”

Ok, maybe I’m being unfair. Christian does seem to relax after Ana tells him Ray is ok, the “tension around his eyes vanishes,” which is nice. I’m glad he’s concerned about his father-in-law. But like…if your father-in-law just woke up out of a coma, maybe your first reaction shouldn’t be like “he’s awake? Great, LET’S MOVE HIM. I WANT TO GO HOME.”

Christian mentions how Ana hasn’t stopped smiling. Weird, it’s almost like HER FUCKING FATHER JUST WOKE UP OUT OF A COMA??? I WONDER WHY SHE HASN’T STOPPED SMILING?????

Apparently they just…left? Ray woke up and they were just like “lol BYE BITCH.” The valet pulls Ana’s new car around to the front, and Christian “eyes [it] with lust”. Please don’t fuck a car, dude. Please.

“Shall we celebrate?” [Christian] asks as we enter the foyer.
“Your dad.”
I giggle. “Oh, him.”

eyebrow raise eric

YOUR DAD JUST GOT OUT OF A COMA???? PLEASE KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS FOR MORE THAN 2 MINUTES. WHAT THE FUCK.

They go back to their hotel room, where they get dinner and Ana wears nothing but “Christian’s T-shirt and [her] panties.” Great. Thank you. DON’T YOU THINK THIS IS A LITTLE…FAST??? YOU JUST CAME FROM A HOSPITAL??????

“What do you want to do?”
He raises an eyebrow, amused. “What I always want to do.”
“And that is?”
“Mrs. Grey, don’t be coy.”

clint eastwood disgusted

I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN. PLEASE. PLEASE DON’T DO THIS.

Reaching across the dining table, I grasp his hand, turn it over, and skim my index finger over his palm. “I’d like you to touch me with this.” I run my finger up his index finger.
He shifts in his chair. “Just that?” His eyes darken and head at once.
“Maybe this?” I run my finger up his middle finger and back to his palm. “And this.” My nail traces his ring finger. “Definitely this.” My finger stops at his wedding ring. “This is very sexy.”
“Is it now?”
“It sure is. It says this man is mine.” And I skim the small callous that has already formed on his palm beneath the ring. He leans forward and cups my chin with his other hand.
“Mrs. Grey, are you seducing me?”
“I hope so.”
“Anastasia, I’m a given.” His voice is low. “Come here.” He tugs my hand, pulling me into his lap. “I like having unfettered access to you.”

SHE’S YOUR FUCKING WIFE, NOT A SHOW PONY. OF COURSE YOU HAVE ACCESS TO HER, BUT HER CONSENT IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT???? “Unfettered access?” Are you serious?

So they do the whole weird flirty sexy thing, and Ana says “Maybe I need to be restrained.”

“What are you going to do about it?” I challenge.
His eyes glitter. “I know what I’d like to do about it. Depends if you’re up to it.”
“Oh, Mr. Grey, you’ve been very gentle with me these last couple of days. I’m not made of glass, you know.”
“You don’t like gentle?”
“With you, of course. But you know…variety is the spice of life.” I bat my lashes at him.
“You’re after something less gentle?”
“Something life-affirming.”
He raises his brows in surprise. “Life affirming,” he repeats, astonished humor in his voice.

Ok, guys, this is like, actually super important and encouraging.

CHRISTIAN GREY IS BASICALLY ASKING FOR CONSENT HERE.

ANA IS TAKING CONTROL OF THE SITUATION AND CHRISTIAN IS HESITATING AND ASKING WHAT SHE WANTS.

AND THIS IS HUGE.

This is insane to me. I don’t really even have anything to criticize here. And, as I’ve said before, I give credit where  credit is due. And, for once, credit is due here. While the consent isn’t as clear as you could hope, it IS consent, and that is a BIG DEAL in this shit show of a series. Ana is saying she wants something rougher, and Christian is double-checking (ish) to see what she wants.

THIS IS GREAT.

I mean, not great. I still hate both of them (and also RAY JUST GOT OUT OF A FUCKING COMA??? IDK about you guys but like, my family members being in the hospital doesn’t get me all hot and bothered usually?)

[PS: I just opened a new beer, solely to prepare for the oncoming sex scene.]

Ok, so Christian takes off Ana’s t-shirt, leaving her naked except for her panties. He then goes and puts a towel down on the sofa, which is both concerning and considerate. (I mean, they’re at a hotel, I’m glad they’re not just going full-nasty on the couch)

Ana is ordered to take off her panties and sit on the couch.

He grabs me by my ponytail again and pulls my head back. “You’ll tell me to stop if this gets too much, yes?”
I nod.
“Say it.” His voice is stern.
“Yes,” I squeak.

thumbs up

I’M LIKE…BIZARRELY PROUD RIGHT NOW! Christian actually obtained consent and made it clear that Ana should tell him if she feels uncomfortable at any time! This is incredible! It’s almost like they have a healthy relationship!

Almost!

So Christian uses the belts off of the hotel-supplied bathrobes and ties Ana’s legs while she’s on the couch so they’re pulled apart. He also asks “Okay?” while he’s doing it, which is like SUPER BIZARRE to me, because I can’t remember a single other time he was this consistent and kind about asking for consent? He usually tries to get Ana drunk first, or he just intimidates her into giving consent. THIS IS A BIG DAY, GUYS.

Christian goes over to change the music, because apparently he can’t bone anyone without a proper soundtrack.

How does he do this? Here I am, trussed up and horny as hell, while he’s so cool and calm. He’s just in my field of vision, and I watch the flex and pull of the muscles of his back under his T-shirt as he changes the song. Immediately, a sweet, almost childlike female voice starts to sing about watching me.

What the fuck…did he just put on like, Enya or something? Nothing gets a girl in the mood quite like a good Enya song.

Christian asks Ana to hold out her hands, and squirts some kind of oil on them before asking her to rub her hands together. Then he asks her to touch herself, “start at your throat and work down.”

ugh

Here we go, friends. Everyone get your drinks ready! Lets see, what are some good drinking game rules…

  • Drink if Ana refuses to name any of her body parts
  • Drink if Ana clearly misunderstands how certain body parts work
  • Drink if Ana says “Oh my” or anything similar
  • Drink every time there’s an ellipses

I promise I wrote those before I started reading this part. WE’LL SEE HOW ACCURATE IT IS! (Hopefully not too accurate, I’ve only got half a beer left…)

Ana follows directions and starts at her throat and works down to her breasts.

Oh my. I gently tug at my nipples.

Drink.

My muscles clench deep in my belly. I groan in response and pull harder on my nipples, feeling them stiffen and lengthen beneath my touch.

I swear to god, Ana’s nipples turn into weird snake-creatures whenever anything sexy happens. Why do they keep elongating! I mean, like, sure, nipples change shape and get hard and whatever, but the way Ana talks makes it sound like she’s rolling out bread for baguettes, not playing with her nipples.

Also, drink.

“Again. I want to see you. See you enjoy your touch.”
Oh fuck. I repeat the process. This is so…erotic.

Drink.

“Keep still, Ana. Absorb the pleasure.”

Feel the pleasure. Taste the pleasure. BE THE PLEASURE.

Christian, exuding sexuality, runs his tongue along his teeth Holy fuck… I writhe, pulling on the restraints.

That wasn’t a typo, there really isn’t a period before “holy fuck” in my copy.

Also, drink.

Also…like, idk, a dude licking his teeth isn’t enough to get me going? I guess Ana has a teeth fetish or something, because she is going HAM on this shit.

My hands glide over my stomach down over my belly.

Isn’t…isn’t your stomach your belly? I don’t…

Drink. Just drink. We’re all drinking this whole time anyway, might as well drink one more time.

“Lower, he mouths, and he is carnality personified.
“Christian, please.”
His hands glide down from my knees, skimming my thighs, toward my sex.

JUST. SAY. VAGINA. OR CLIT. OR ANYTHING. PLEASE.

(Also, drink)

“Come on, Ana, touch yourself.”
My left hand skims over my sex, and I rub in a slow circle, my mouth an O as I pant.
“Again,” he whispers.
I groan louder and repeat the move and tip my head back, gasping.

IT’S ALMOST LIKE SHE’S NEVER TOUCHED HERSELF BEFORE.

OH WAIT.

SHE HASN’T.

Hey, kids, masturbation is great and you should try it. You can’t expect someone else to pleasure you if you don’t know how to pleasure yourself!

Oh, and also, drink. Because she still can’t refer to her body parts as anything other than vague nicknames. Like, I’d even accept “folds of skin” or something. I just…”my sex” isn’t good enough, ok. Not when you’re writing a sex scene. Especially not when you’re writing a sex scene starring a character who is FUCKING MARRIED, AND WHO SHOULD KNOW HER WAY AROUND A VAGINA BY NOW.

So Ana continues touching herself, but when she tries to touch Christian, he restrains her hands, because that’s not part of the dealio, apparently.

I groan. He releases me then eases his middle two fingers inside me, the heel of his hand resting against my clitoris.

HOLY SHIT.

SHE REFERRED TO A BODY PART BY ITS NAME.

confetti HIMYM

I’M LIKE, REALLY PROUD RIGHT NOW.

MY BABY IS GROWING UP!

“I’m going to make you come quickly, Ana. Ready?
“Yes,” I pant.
He starts to move his fingers, his hand, up and down, rapidly, assaulting both that sweet spot inside me and my clitoris at the same time. Ah! The feeling is intense–really intense. Pleasure builds and spikes throughout the lower half of my body. I want to stretch my legs, but I can’t. My hands claw at the towel beneath me.
“Surrender,” Christian whispers.

“Surrender?” This isn’t the goddamned battle of Yorktown, dude. You’re not at war, you’re just trying to make a girl cum. Calm down.

Of course, Ana comes literally the second he says that.

I explode around his fingers, crying out incoherently. He presses the heel of his hand against my clitoris as the aftershocks run through my body, prolonging the delicious agony. Vaguely, I’m aware that he’s untying my legs.

Gosh, she’s using “clitoris” left and right all of a sudden! It’s like character development, except really it’s writer development. And also it’s not that much development because this should have been happening from the beginning, but still, GOOD JOB! YOU TRIED!

Christian says “My turn” and flips Ana over, and now it’s time for Man Sex, and Ana immediately is ready to cum again, because she’s apparently a robot or something. It’s been 2 seconds! Bodies don’t work like that!

I guess we can drink for that. Except my beer is already empty. Boo.

Anyway, the scene switches, and suddenly they’re cuddling post-sex, and talking about how much they like each other’s butts. Great.

Except the song that’s playing mentions something about being sweet (idk, the reference is vague?) and Ana says “And I think there’s a lot that’s sweet about you.” Which is apparently not something that Christian wants to hear, because his smile immediately fades, and suddenly Ana needs to start reminding her husband of why he’s not a terrible awful no-good very bad person. So they exchange “I love you”s, but Christian still looks “lost.”

Like…Ok, I get it. He’s got a “tortured past” or whatever. All 4 years of it (that happened when he was barely young enough to remember). But Ana keeps being like “it will take time to heal all of his wounds!” and like, yes, I get it, it takes time (and a lot of work!) to get over severe PTSD-type stuff like this, but like…Christian should be actively seeing his psychiatrist if it’s still this much of an issue that he can’t accept love from his own wife. But he’s not seeing his psychiatrist, and that’s not good.

See your psychiatrist, folks. If you can afford it, of course. And also don’t enter into a marriage with someone that you feel the need to “fix.” It’s not your job to fix anyone except yourself (and you don’t need fixing, you just might need helping sometimes).

Anyway.

They go back into the bedroom and are going to watch TV, but then Ana decides…uh…

“Well, Mrs. Grey, now that you’ve got me, what are you going to do with me?”
I lean down and whisper in his ear, “I am going to fuck you with my mouth.”

WELL THEN.

So then we get a scene change, and suddenly it’s morning and Ana wakes up to find Christian already at work, typing an email. Apparently, a detective, Clark, wants to interview Ana in relation to Hyde.

In case you forgot (because lord knows I almost did), Hyde was Ana’s former boss who tried to assault her in the break room or whatever at their office, but she fucking OWNED HIM (it was amazing) and he got fired. BUT THEN he like…tried to break into the apartment and kidnap Ana? He’s like, terrible at being a criminal. But he’s in jail now so whatever.

But the detective wants to interview Ana about Hyde, and it’s so important that the detective is going to come all the way to Portland to interview her today. But first, they go see Ray, who seems to be doing pretty…fine, actually? Apparently Portland hospitals are full of miracles and you can go from being in a coma to being almost perfectly fine in less than a day.

Ray asks for Donuts, so Ana goes out to the waiting room to tell Christian she’s going to get Donuts. Apparently the detective will be there in a few hours. Also, Christian asks Ana to take Taylor (his security guard) with her, and she agrees, but rolls her eyes.

“There’s no one here.” His voice is deliciously low, and I know he’s threatening to spank me. I am about to dare him, when a young couple enters the room. She is weeping softly.

I shrug apologetically at Christian and he nods. He picks up his laptop, takes my hand, and leads me out of the room. “They need the privacy more than we do,” Christian murmurs. “We’ll have our fun later.”

I need to be much more drunk for this

YOU’RE IN A FUCKING HOSPITAL???? WHAT THE FUCK. CHILL YOUR BONER FOR LIKE 2 FUCKING HOURS YOU PSYCHOS.

“Oh I guess we’ll let this crying girl have the room to herself…” WELL YEAH I FUCKING HOPE SO. YOU JUST WANTED TO USE THE ROOM TO DO WEIRD KINKY SHIT. WHAT A FUCKING SACRIFICE FOR YOU.

The scene cuts, and suddenly the detective is here. The detective is only there to see Ana, but she insists that she wants Christian to stay.

“Mrs. Grey, Mr. Hyde maintains that you sexually harassed him and made several lewd advances toward him.

UM. WHAT.

THAT WAS LIKE THE ONE TOTALLY AWESOME PART OF THIS GODFORSAKEN TRASH PILE.

ANA TOTALLY KICKED HIS ASS WHEN HE TRIED TO BE A TOTAL CREEP TO HER.

AND NOW HE’S…ACCUSING HER OF BEING A CREEP???

WHAT.

Oh! I almost burst out laughing, but put my hand on Christian’s thigh to restrain him as he shifts forward in his seat.
“That’s preposterous,” Christian splutters. I squeeze Christian’s leg to silence him.
“That’s not true,” I state calmly. “In fact, it was the other way around. He propositioned me in a very aggressive manner, and he was fired.”
Detective Clark’s mouth flattens briefly into a thin line before he continues.
“Hyde alleges that you fabricated a tale about sexual harassment in order to get him fired. He says that you did this because he refused your advances and because you wanted his job.”

Ok, like, admittedly, I know nothing about how the legal process works, and I’ve never been part of a criminal investigation before, but like…this interview seems…real weird. Why wouldn’t he just ask her questions? And be like “Did you make sexual advances toward Mr. Hyde?” and stuff? Why would he be like “Well HE said that this happened!” like it’s fucking high school?

Basically he sounds like a terrible detective.

But Ana handles it well!

“What Hyde says is simply ont true.” My voice sounds calm, although I feel anything but. I’m bewildered by these accusations and nervous that Christian might explode. What’s Jack’s game? “Mr. Hyde accosted me in the office kitchen one evening. He told me that it was thanks to him that I had been hired and that he expected sexual favors in return. He tried to blackmail me, using e-mails that I’d sent to Christian, who wasn’t my husband then. I didn’t know Hyde had been monitoring my e-mails. He’s delusional–he even accused me of being a spy sent by Christian, presumably to help him take over the company. He didn’t know that Christian had already bought SIP.” I shake my head as I recall my distressing, tense encounter with Hyde.
“In the end, I-I took him down.”
Clark’s eyebrows rise in surprise. “Took him down?”
“My father is ex-army. Hyde…um, touched me, and I know how to defend myself.”

Ana, you’re being modest, you fucking OWNED HIS ASS. IT WAS AMAZING.

It’s been nearly an entire book and I’m still not over that. If this whole series was about Ana taking down weird creepy dudes, it would be MUCH, MUCH BETTER.

Christian asks Detective Clark if he’s talked to any of Hyde’s former PAs. Clark says he has, but they won’t talk much. Christian says he’s had the same problem. Naturally, Clark asks why Christian felt the need to investigate Hyde’s former Personal Assistants.

Christian gives him a steely glare. “Because my wife worked for him, and I run security checks on anyone my wife works with.”

confused cary grant

Christian…buddy…you can’t just say that and act like it’s normal. This is SUPER NOT NORMAL. People don’t usually…investigate their significant other’s bosses. That’s…super fucking creepy. WHAT A SURPRISE. CHRISTIAN IS BEING CREEPY!

Then Clark and Christian start talking about other elements of the case that Ana isn’t familiar with. Apparently Hyde may have been the one that sabotaged Christian’s helicopter way back when, and there’s something to do with a note? This is all news to em, and apparently it’s news to Ana as well.

Clark finally leaves.

“Can you believe that asshole?” Christian explodes.

HE WAS JUST DOING HIS JOB, CHRISTIAN. WHAT THE FUCK. CALM DOWN.

“Clark?”
“No, that fucker, Hyde.”

Oh. Nevermind. I was so ready for Christian to be completely unreasonable that I’m now completely taken aback that he’s being sort of reasonable.

…this is weird.

Anyway, the scene changes, and suddenly Ray has been moved to some amazing rehab center in Seattle, courtesy of Christian and his boatloads of money. Ana is with Ray, even though apparently she should be at work. Her blackberry buzzes, but it’s a number she doesn’t recognize, so she lets it go to voicemail. Finally, Ana leaves the hospital.

“Mrs. Grey! Mrs. Grey!”
Turning, I see Dr. Greene hurrying toward me, looking her usual immaculate self, if a little flustered.

Oh. Oh shit. That’s Ana’s OB/GYN, the one that she kind of didn’t really get a choice about, because Christian is weird and stupid about condoms and refuses to use them, so instead forces his partners to go on their choice of hormonal BC, even though hormonal BC can be really difficult to deal with depending on your body chemistry and can have adverse affects and isn’t something that you should just do because your boyfriend is a dick about condoms.

AS YOU CAN TELL I’VE GOTTEN OVER IT SINCE THEN.

“Mrs. Grey, how are you? Did you get my message? I called earlier.”
“No.” My scalp prickles.
“Well, I was wondering why you’d cancelled four appointments.”
Four appointments? I gape at her. I’ve missed four appointments! How?
“Perhaps we should talk about this in my office. I was going out for lunch–do you have time right now?”
I not meekly. “Sure. I…” Words fail me. I’ve missed four appointments? I’m late for my shot. Shit.

wait what froze

UM.

WHAT.

They go to Dr. Greene’s office.

“Yes…it’s been over thirteen weeks. You’re cutting it a bit close. We’d better do a test before we give you another shot.”
“A test?” I whisper, all the blood rushing from my head.
“A pregnancy test.”
Oh no.

FUCK??!??

She reaches into the drawer of her desk. “You know what to do with this.” She hands me a small container. “The restroom is just outside my office.”

FUCK!!!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. How could I have let this happen…again? I suddenly feel sick and offer a silent prayer. Please no. Please no. It’s too soon. It’s too soon. It’s too soon.

When I reenter Dr. Green’s office, she gives me a tight smile and waves me to the seat in front of her desk. I sit down and wordlessly hand her my sample. She dips a small white stick into it and watches. She raises her eyebrows at it turns pale blue.
“What does blue meen?” The tension is almost choking me.
She looks up at me, her eyes serious.
“Well, Mrs. Grey, it means you’re pregnant.”
What? No. No. No. Fuck.

fuck i'm pregnant

End of Chapter Nineteen

UM. HOLY SHIT.

Like, ok, no dude should force his GF/Wife/Whatever to go on birth control without discussing it extensively and helping her make the decision (because it’s HER BODY NOT YOURS YOU CREEP). But…once you’re on BC…like, FUCKING KEEP TRACK OF THAT SHIT?

I get it. The pill sucks. I’ve been there, friends. But like, if you’re on the shot…SET A FUCKING APPOINTMENT IN YOUR PHONE??? DON’T JUST FUCKING LET THAT SLIDE? THE FUCK?

OR!! GET AN IUD!!!! Like it hurts like fucking HELL but at least you don’t have to worry about surprise vagina gremlins?

It obviously takes 2 people to get preggo, so I’m not solely blaming Ana here, but like…the FUCK, Ana! GET IT FUCKING TOGETHER!!

So I guess now there’s a baby to worry about. GOOD THING THEY ALREADY HAVE A STRONG, HEALTHY, NOT-AT-ALL-ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP TO BRING A CHILD INTO!!!!1!1! THIS IS ALL FINE AND GOOD AND I’M NOT CONCERNED AT ALL!

jon stewart judging

(Ok. I lied. I am concerned.)

I have no idea when I’ll get the next chapter up, but I’ll try to not wait like almost a whole year for the next one!

As always, thank you for reading, and for continuing to read even though I am terrible at posting things on time! You guys are amazing!

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 18

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Look at me, posting things on time! Amazing!

RECAP: Ana finds out from José that her step-dad, Ray, is in the hospital after getting in a car accident while on a fishing trip with José and his dad. Ana rushes out to the hospital in Portland, where she holds José’s hand (which seems like a PHENOMENALLY bad idea when you’re married to Christian), but then Christian shows up and is actually…kind of fine? They find out that Ray is in a coma because he’s got potential brain damage. Christian has his mom come out and help with Ray’s treatment (except she doesn’t really? she just is there? for some reason?). Ana spends a whole lot of time reminding us that her step-dad is a very important father figure in her life (she calls him “daddy” like 30 times. WHY). Christian makes a bizarre pop culture reference that makes no sense. They go back to the hotel and go to bed (withOUT having sex, shockingly).

Hopefully chapter 18 is less exciting than 17 was. I don’t know if I can handle all of that action.

Chapter Eighteen

Ana wakes up, and for a moment she forgets where she is and why she’s there. And then she remembers, in the most unnecessarily dramatic way possible:

“Shit! Daddy!” I gasp out loud, recalling with a gut-wrenching surge of apprehension that twists my heart and starts it pounding why I’m in Portland.

Jesus H. Christ. That description would be more fitting if she saw her dad get LITERALLY STABBED in front of her. Also that sentence structure is convoluted as FUCK. Like, pick ONE description of how you’re feeling here, you don’t need THREE OF THEM.

Ugh.  I’ve seen actual 8-year-olds write better than this.

Christian immediately comforts Ana, and tells her he already called the hospital and found out that Ray’s doing fine. Other than, you know, being in a coma.

OH, also it’s Ana’s birthday. Christian gives her a small box with a tiny gift card that says: “For all our firsts on your first birthday as my beloved wife. I love you.” Ugh. Gag me.

Oh my, how sweet is that?

Uh, not very sweet? It’s honestly a pretty standard thing to tell your wife that you love her on her birthday? Ana, you’ve set the bar so low that Christian literally can just step over it.

Uggghhhhh he got her a charm bracelet, and all the charms represent things they’ve done together (including a vanilla ice cream cone, in honor of them having “vanilla” sex. You disgust me).

I fondle the last two charms: a letter C — oh yes, I was his first girlfriend to use his first name. I smile at the thought. And finally, there’s a key.
“To my heart and soul,” he whispers.

vomit gif toddlers in tiaras

I’m literally going to vomit all over myself. HE ALREADY GAVE YOU THE KEY TO HIS HEART AND SOUL, IT’S CALLED YOUR WEDDING RING AND YOU’RE WEARING IT RIGHT NOW.

Like wow, cool, you love each other. NO ONE CARES. That shit is only romantic if you’re like 14 and it’s Valentine’s Day.

Maybe I’m just a cynical asshole, but like…come the fuck on.

They eat breakfast and Ana goes to brush her teeth before heading over to the hospital.

A memory springs unbidden to my mind. I used his toothbrush after I first spent the night with him. I smirk and grab his toothbrush in homage to that first time.

Okay, I just want all of us to look back on one of my favorite terrible moments from this shitfest of a book series. This is from Fifty Shades of Grey, Chapter 5:

I want to clean my teeth. I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm…Glancing guiltily over my shoulder at the door, I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. They are damp. He must have used it already. Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double-quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill.

YUP, THAT’S A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

The weirdest part is that, when compared up close like this, the writing actually IS a lot better in book 3 than it was in book 1. Which is sad, because the writing in Freed is still AWFUL. At least E.L. James has finally learned how to use a variety of sentence structures. It only took her 2+ books to learn that lesson, so impressive!

Anyway.

They get in the elevator and start referencing the first time they kissed, and honestly, it is kind of a funny throw-back? But that’s because that kiss was literally one of the only well-written sexy things in this entire series. I give credit where credit is due, and that elevator kiss was pretty excellent…at least until their tongues start doing a “slow erotic dance” (direct quote, I’m not even kidding).

Oh good, now Ana and Christian are recreating that elevator kiss.

He groans into my mouth and cups my head, cradling me as we kiss–really kiss, our tongues exploring the oh-so-familiar but still oh-so-new, oh-so-exciting territory that is the other’s mouth.

This whole scene is suddenly oh-so-vomit-worthy. Congratulations.

My inner goddess swoons, bringing my libido back from purdah.

ACoops is judging you

Just when you thought the “inner goddess” bullshit was gone forever…

Also, in case you’re ignorant like me, here’s what “purdah” is referring to: “The practice among women in certain Muslim and Hindu societies of living in a separate room or behind a curtain, or of dressing in all-enveloping clothes, in order to stay out of the sight of men or strangers.”

Okay, look, E.L. James. You’re writing a book populated ENTIRELY by white people and horribly stereotypical people of color (of which there are LITERALLY TWO). You DO NOT get to just throw out terms like “Purdah” and think that’s ok. It’s not okay. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you don’t know anything about Muslim/Hindu culture, so you don’t get to just fucking use the word “Purdah” like you know what it means. It doesn’t make your book seem “cultured,” it doesn’t make your writing look clever, it doesn’t even make that line fucking INTERESTING. All it does is make you look like a piece of shit who appropriates parts of other cultures that you don’t even understand.

“Purdah” has a long history, and a lot of depth and details which YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU TOOK TWO SECONDS TO LOOK AT EVEN JUST THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE. I highly doubt that’s a term that’s okay to use when talking about your character’s inner sex machine??? The FUCK is wrong with you.

Anyway.

They get outside and SURPRISE, Ana’s rich bastard of a husband bought her a car. Whoop di fucking doo.

My face splits into a huge grin, and my inner goddess does a back flip off the high dive.

uuuuuUUUGGGHHHHH STOP IT.

ARE YOU GOING TO GO FUCK IN THE CAR? PUT YOUR GODDAMNED “INNER GODDESS” AWAY.

They get in the car and Christian immediately starts criticizing Ana’s driving. Great. Just what I wanted to read about.

They finally get to the hospital, and Ray’s condition hasn’t changed. Apparently Christian’s dad is a lawyer and is suing the drunk driver who hit Ray’s car. Cool.

A bunch of hospital stuff happens, the nurse checks on Ray, they await some scans, things like that. None of it is very exciting or interesting.

Ana realizes she hasn’t heard from her mom in awhile, and her mom doesn’t know about Ray. Her mom also hasn’t called to wish Ana a happy birthday, which is kind of rude. Ana calls, but her mom doesn’t pick up. That seems like something Ana should be more concerned about, but she’s pretty whatever about it?

Ana and Christian start talking about Christian’s “Taiwan thing,” for his mysterious business. Again. VERY boring. Ana asks him why he works so hard all the time (which it doesn’t seem like he does, but ok).

“I don’t want to be poor,” he says, his voice low. “I’ve done that. I’m not going back there again. Besides…it’s a game,” he murmurs. “It’s about winning. A game I’ve always found very easy.”

Oh, gee! All you have to do to become a multi-billionaire is just decide to not be poor anymore! AMAZING! It’s just a game! Wow, who knew it was so easy?

annoyed with paper

Literally just shut up right now.

Ana talks about how much she loves all of Christian’s different personalities (philanthropic Christian…megalomaniac Christian…control-freak Christian…just to name a few). Then she calls him “Fifty Shades” again, which apparently is supposed to be exciting or clever or something, but really it just feels EXCEEDINGLY forced.

They leave the hospital, and Christian lets Ana drive (shocking). They go grab lunch at the place they went after José’s photography show in book 2. Apparently this is some kind of montage episode bullshit. Yeah, I get it, I’ve read all three of these fucking books, trust me, I REMEMBER EVERY PAINFUL SECOND OF IT.

They go back to the hospital. Nothing has changed. They leave again.

Godddd I can feel my brain fucking liquefying.

They go back to the hotel, and Christian has planned a fancy dinner at the hotel restaurant, and had Taylor go buy Ana a fancy dress and shoes. Great. He ALSO had Taylor go buy fucking BLACK, LACEY LINGERIE FOR HIS WIFE.

THAT’S TOTALLY NOT FUCKED UP AT ALL.

“I look forward to taking this off you later.”

HER DAD IS STILL IN A COMA YOU PIECE OF SHIT. MAYBE SHE DOESN’T WANT TO DO KINKY SHIT WITH YOU RIGHT NOW?

But of course she will. This is Anastasia Steele we’re talking about, after all. If Christian wants to have sex, she’s not going to tell him no.

They head down to dinner, and every woman they pass shoots Ana envious glares because Christian looks so attractive. Because, in case you forgot, the natural female state is “jealous bitch.” Except for Ana, who’s a “cool girl,” who’s “special.”

God help me, I want to shoot my eyes out.

They get to the table and find Kate, Elliot, Mia, Ethan, Carrick (Christian’s Dad), and Grace (his mom), José and Mr. Rodriguez, and Ana’s mom and her husband, Bob.

Okay, now this is ACTUALLY a really sweet thing to do. The charm bracelet thing was pretty bogus, but this is like, a super great surprise for someone’s birthday. Well done, Christian. It feels weird not to get mad at you.

We get literally like 3 pages of all these people greeting Ana, and I’m not even going to recap it because it’s horribly boring. Ana gets a cake with candles and wishes for her dad to get better.

Finally everyone leaves and they go back to the hotel room and sex is implied, but we don’t have to suffer through it, thankfully.

The next morning, all the Greys and Kate and her brother return to Seattle in Christian’s helicopter (I have no idea who’s flying it though…). Honestly, I kind of want the helicopter to crash, because literally NOTHING bad has happened this whole chapter, and it’s SO GODDAMNED BORING.

BAD THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN IN STORIES. CONFLICTS HAVE TO HAPPEN. OTHERWISE IT’S NOT A STORY.

Ughhhhh.

Ana and Christian go back to the hospital. Ray still hasn’t woken up. Ana’s mom comes with, and they have heartfelt moments where everyone cries. Ana and her mom have a heart-to-heart about her mom’s relationship with Ray (which ended because she just couldn’t live with him, apparently?), and they talk about Ana and Christian.

“You look so good together, Ana. So happy.”
“We are, I think.”

You THINK? What a vote of confidence for your marriage, Ana. Real promising start.

“Getting there, anyway. I love him. He’s the center of my world. The sun rises and sets with him for me, too.”

LITERALLY STOP. Loving him is great, but “love” should not mean “MY WORLD WOULD FUCKING END IF I LOST HIM.” You should be your own person, Ana. Come on.

“Make sure you tell him. Men need to hear that stuff just like we do.”

AH YES, LET’S REINFORCE THE GENDER STEREOTYPES A LITTLE MORE IN THIS BOOK. EVEN THOUGH MEN ARE EMOTIONALLY STUNTED SACKS OF TESTOSTERONE, THEY STILL NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU LOVE THEM!

Literally what the fuck, Ana’s mom.

…also I can’t remember for the life of me what her mom’s name is. If only someone had made some kind of character list to keep track of everyone in these books….

OH YEAH.

(P.S. her name is Carla. I just had to look it up. Thank god I made that character list, seriously, it’s so hard to keep track of everyone in this trash heap.)

Carla and her husband leave, and Ana and Christian leave then too. They come back at the end of the day, and they find that Ray has been taken off the ventilator and is breathing on his own. Ana starts reading the sports page to Ray, so he can hear the soccer scores.

“And the final score, Sounders 1, Real Salt Lake 2.”
“Hey, Annie, we lost? No!” Ray rasps, and he squeezes my hand.
Daddy!

FASCINATING. Totally didn’t see that coming. What a shocker.

End of Chapter Eighteen

Please, for the love of god, MAKE SOME ACTUAL FUCKING CONFLICT HAPPEN IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.

I’M SO BORED I’M GOING TO CRY.

HOLY SHIT.

Anyway, thanks again for reading! I’ll try and get the next chapter up next week, but as always, no guarantees.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 17

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Here I am! Sorry (again…) for the MASSIVE delay, all of my other responsibilities have been taking priority, and it’s just been hard to find the time/energy for this blog. BUT I’M HERE. And I’m usually a wee bit more productive in the fall (what with the back-to-school vibe), so maybe these blogs will be a little more consistent. No promises though. You know I’m a nightmare about posting things on-time here. But I will do my best! And thank you SO SO SO much for your patience. As always, you guys are the absolute best.

RECAP: Ana returns back to work after their Aspen trip, and is immediately confronted by two of Christian’s ex-subs, Leila (the one who tried to shoot Ana) and Susi. Ana talks a lot about how beautiful the two women are (I ship it), and they talk to her about how they wanted to meet her because she “caught” Christian. Unsurprisingly, Christian calls and interrupts the whole meeting to literally scream at his wife for “disobeying instructions,” even though he never even GAVE her these instructions to not talk to his ex-subs. Ana, to her credit, hangs up, but knows that she’s got a storm coming (because her husband is an abusive nightmare but WHAT ELSE IS NEW). Leila and Ana talk about how they both love(d) Christian and how great he is, but then the object of their affection shows up and is a raging sack of shit, like he always is, to immediately fire Ana’s bodyguard (Prescott) for no real reason. He then yells at Ana about defying him, although Ana calmly explains that he’s full of shit. He also says he doesn’t want her “tainted” by his “old life.” Christian wants Ana to leave work early (probably so he can abuse her more), but Ana calls him on his bullshit. BUT THEN he completely derails the conversation and starts talking about sex. And then they do decide to go home, and of course have mind-blowing sex. BUT THEN a few days (and some obnoxious emails) later Ana gets a call from José’s father who says that her step-dad Ray has been in an accident.

Chapter Seventeen

“Mr. Rodriguez, what’s happened?” My voice is hoarse and thick with unshed tears. Ray. Sweet Ray. My dad.

Yeah, ok, we get it, he’s your father-figure. You keep beating that point home like we’re suddenly going to care about it, buuuuut we don’t. Saying “he’s basically my father!” doesn’t make Ray suddenly matter as a character.

So apparently Ray has been in a car accident, and he’s been airlifted to Portland. It appears that Mr. Rodriguez may have had something to do with the accident? Maybe he was driving the car? He says “Oh, Ana, I didn’t see the car. I just didn’t see it…” and his voice cracks. But if he was in the accident, why is he fine?

Ana leaves work in a hurry, cancelling all of her appointments for the day (I still don’t get how she magically became the senior editor at this publishing house but okay…). Ana tries to call Christian from the car, but he left his phone with his secretary, so Ana leaves a message with her. When the secretary asks if Ana is ok, she says “no” and just says to have Christian call her.

I bet Mr. Over-reaction totally won’t freak out about that one.

Ana’s phone rings a short time later.

“Christian,” I gasp.
“Christ, Ana. What’s wrong?”

Wow…surprisingly level-headed! Apparently Christian only gets upset when Ana violates one of his bullshit “rules,” but when she frantically calls and leaves a message that she’s not okay, all she gets is a “Christ, Ana.” Ugh.

“It’s Ray–he’s been in an accident.”
“Shit!”
“Yes. I am on my way to Portland.”

Has E.L. James EVER HEARD TWO HUMAN BEINGS HAVE A CONVERSATION.

“My dad’s hurt.”
“SHIT.”
“Yes.”

black widow really

Christian apparently will meet Ana there in 3 hours, because he has a very important, non-specific business meeting with some guys from Taiwan about a “deal” they’ve been “hammering out for months.”

Why do I know nothing about this?

BECAUSE CHRISTIAN DOESN’T SHARE THINGS WITH YOU. BECAUSE HE LIKES TO CONTROL YOU, AND DOESN’T OPEN UP TO YOU, AND YOU’RE INVOLVED IN A VERY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS.

“omgggg why doesn’t my extremely emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive husband share things with meee???”

Because he’s a piece of shit, Ana.

ALSO. WHAT THE FUCK BUSINESS DOES CHRISTIAN EVEN FUCKING DO.

FUN FACT, KIDS: TO MAKE YOUR CHARACTERS BELIEVABLE, DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH.

If they’re in “business,” maybe spend 2 seconds of time and FIGURE OUT WHAT FUCKING KIND OF BUSINESS THEY DO, AND THEN TALK TO SOMEONE IN THAT BUSINESS SO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW IT WORKS AND CAN MAKE THAT CHARACTER’S LIFE AND EXPERIENCES MORE BELIEVABLE.

You cannot (or should not be able to…) get away with half-assing character development like this. It’s lazy, and it’s bullshit, and it’s boring. If we knew what kind of “business” Christian did, we would understand more about him and his day-to-day experiences. But, of course, if we knew what kind of business he did, his unrealistically high paycheck wouldn’t make sense, because you’re placing him in a world that is too real, as opposed to placing him in this fantasy world where people can just make billions of dollars per second doing “business” and people with a degree in English (and without an email address) can just waltz in and get a major publishing job in a matter of days.

Basically this whole book is bullshit fantasy escapism and it’s terrible. I more easily believe in Tolkien’s always-saves-the-day Eagle bullshit than I believe in any of this.

Oh, and of course Christian is going to FLY to Portland, even though the last time he flew he almost died (except not really, because his helicopter crashed and he LITERALLY didn’t get a scratch on him). So now Ana is freaking out about that too.

Ana arrives at the hospital and sees Mr. Rodriguez and José. Mr. Rodriguez is in a cast, but seems otherwise fine. Ana starts crying and José puts his arms around her and strokes her hair. I’m sure THAT will go over well with Christian.

Apparently Mr. Rodriguez, José and Ray were on a fishing trip, when they were hit by a drunk driver, who hit the passenger side of the car, where Ray was sitting. They have no idea how he’s doing, apparently.

Now Ana’s cold, so José puts his jacket on her shoulders.

I’m so glad E.L. James used a severe car accident as a plot device to set up a jealous meeting between José and Christian. Like…are you kidding me? If that’s honestly what this is leading up to I’m going to lose my mind. And I’m sure Christian will get mad at Ana for no reason and use sex to punish her for having a male friend.

WOOPS and now Ana and José are holding hands. Mr. Rodriguez is holding her other hand, BUT STILL. The potential drama is PALPABLE.

Oh but they stopped, because Sawyer (another bodyguard) brought Ana tea. But then they end up holding hands again.

BUT THEN…

Christian strides in. His face darkens momentarily when he notices my hand in José’s.

awwww shiiit

Ana runs into his arms and is all comforted and whatever. Christian asks what the deal is, and they fill him in. He then sits down with Ana.

“Have you eaten?” he asks.
I shake my head.
“Are you hungry?”
I shake my head.
“But you’re cold?” he asks, eyeing José’s jacket.
He shifts in his chair, but wisely says nothing.

Oh wow, Christian is full of surprises this chapter! That’s twice now that I expected him to lose his shit, and he appears to be just mildly uncomfortable! I’m literally in shock right now.

But more importantly, what the fuck is that line of questioning? It sounds like he’s confused that she’s both not hungry AND cold. Like those two things rarely occur together or something. “You’re not hungry…but you’re cold???” *BRAIN EXPLODES*

A doctor comes in and asks Ana if she’s Ray’s next of kin.

“I’m his daughter, Ana.”
“Miss Steele–”
“Mrs. Grey,” Christian interrupts him.

WHY ARE YOU INTERRUPTING THE FUCKING DOCTOR, CHRISTIAN??? I KNOW YOU WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT YOU’VE PEED IN A CIRCLE AROUND ANA AND SHE’S THEREFORE YOUR PROPERTY, BUT I THINK THERE ARE *SLIGHTLY* MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW.

Apparently Ray is stable, but in critical condition. He’s suffered several severe internal injuries, and had severe contusions to the head, and had to be put in a coma while they monitor the brain swelling. Christian asks what the prognosis is, and the doctor says it’s possible Ray could make a complete recovery (which I’m sure he will, because this is Magic Christmas Land of Miracles), but it’s “in God’s hands now.”

The doctor leaves, and then so do Mr. Rodriguez and José. Ana gives José his jacket back, and Christian has Sawyer drive the two home, leaving Ana and Christian alone in the waiting room.

Ana asks how the helicopter was, and Christian says “she was yar,” which is apparently a reference to a movie, The Philadelphia Story.

“I don’t know it.”
“I think I have it on Blu-Ray at home. We can watch it and make out.” He kisses my hair and I smile once more.

DUDE, HER DAD MIGHT HAVE FUCKING BRAIN DAMAGE. HOLD OFF WITH YOUR “Netflix and Chill” BULLSHIT.

Ana asks about the Taiwan thing, and apparently Christian bought a shipyard over there, because it’s cheaper to do whatever businessy things he needs to do over there. I’m glad that even in Magic Christmas Land of Miracles outsourcing and the exploitation of under-paid workers by rich white assholes is still a thing. We can’t suspend our belief TOO much, now can we.

They go check on Ray. This whole section is written as several short paragraphs describing the scene, separated by Ana thinking “Daddy” in italics every few lines.

I say again: calling him “daddy” doesn’t make us give a singular shit about him.

Better idea: Why not take this time to give us some flashbacks of Ana’s time growing up with Ray? SHOW US their relationship, rather than just telling us that we’re supposed to care. MAKE US CARE. You don’t get to take shortcuts with this stuff.

Or apparently you DO get to take shortcuts, because this awful book has made TONS of money, despite it’s GLARING flaws in writing and story. So apparently there are no rules for writing! Who gives a shit! Write whatever you want, make it sexy, and you’ll make millions!

ass trophy

Christian leaves Ana alone with unconscious Ray, because he has to “make a phone call.” Probably to do more unexplained “business.” I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if his “business” was just selling sex slaves. To be honest, that makes 100% more sense than anything else.

Ana starts telling Ray all about her trip to Aspen, and plans an imaginary fishing trip for Ray and Christian to go on. Again, this interaction is basically meaningless, and it would be way more interesting to see Ana going “Hey, dad, remember that time…?” and telling a story about their relationship, because then at least we would see WHY she cares so much about this man who is not her biological father. But of course, this is E.L. James, not a writer who cares about telling a good story, so instead we get an empty interaction.

Christian persuades Ana to leave for the night, and they go to the suite at the hotel where Ana and Christian first got together. Ana wants to take a bath, and they head into the bedroom to get to the bathroom. Ana is, understandably, pretty numb and upset about the whole Ray-might-have-brain-damage-and-is-in-a-coma thing.

“Oh, Ana,” Christian murmurs. “I’ve not seen you like this. You’re normally so brave and strong.”

are you fucking kidding me

First of all, when has she been brave and strong? When she’s trying not to cry because you’re beating her and she feels like she can’t say no because she “loves” you? When she stands up to you for 2 seconds before ultimately backing down in the face of your threats of (often sexual) abuse?

Second, HER DAD IS IN A FUCKING COMA AND MIGHT HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT, CHRISTIAN?

I swear to fucking GOD, if they bone right now, while Ana is this emotionally wrecked, I am going to LOSE MY ENTIRE FUCKING MIND.

They’re taking a bath together…but surprisingly all they do is talk? They eventually get out, and find bags of clothes (recently purchased by Taylor, Christian’s other body guard) for them in the bedroom. And…they put them on! This chapter literally could not be more surprising!

Apparently tomorrow is Ana’s birthday. Ugh. I’m sure we’ll get some truly vomit-inducing birthday sex out of that one.

They go visit Ray again before visiting hours end. José is there again, and he and Christian eye each other warily, but do nothing. José says Ray is doing well, and promises to come back tomorrow, and wants to know if Ana will be there. She assures him that they will be.

José eyes Christian quickly then pulls me into a brief hug. “Mañana.”

I don’t think E.L. James has ever encountered an actual Mexican person in her entire fucking life. Why the FUCK would José, a bilingual citizen of the United States, randomly use the Spanish word for “tomorrow” when talking to his white, non-Spanish-speaking friend? OH RIGHT, IT’S ALMOST LIKE HE’S A RACIST CARICATURE OF A MEXICAN PERSON, BECAUSE E.L. JAMES CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO EVEN DO RUDIMENTARY RESEARCH ON HOW PEOPLE TALK TO EACH OTHER, SO INSTEAD SHE RELIES ON RACIST TROPES AND STEREOTYPES TO DRIVE HOME THE IDEA THAT HER CAST OF CHARACTERS IS SOoOoOoOoO DIVERSE BECAUSE IT INCLUDES A SINGULAR NON-WHITE PERSON.

These books are so awful about glorifying abuse that most people don’t see or tend to forget how blatantly racist things get.

[Fun fact: this is the place where WordPress pretended to delete this entire post without saving it. I somehow managed to get it back, and I’m not sure how, but you can thank the Technology Gods for giving you this post, because I was about to rage quit, I was so fucking mad. But now it’s ok! The post came back! If you hate-blog something hard enough, it will always come back to you. Remember that, kids.]

While José is walking away, Christian tells Ana that José is still “nuts” about her.

“No he’s not. And even if he is..” I shrug because right now I just don’t care.
Christian gives me a tight smile, and my heart melts.
“Well done,” I murmur.
He frowns.
“For not frothing at the mouth.”
He gapes at me, wounded, but amused, too. “I’ve never frothed.”

GOT judgement

Ah, yes, give Christian a “well done” sticker for not literally murdering your male friend who gave you a friendly hug in a time of stress/grief/need. Good job, Christian, what a nice guy.

They go see Ray, and SURPRISE, Christian’s mom, Grace, is there. Apparently she went to school with Ray’s doctor. But she’s not helping with Ray’s treatment, so I don’t really know why she’s there??? But talking to her and Ray’s doctor makes Ana feel better, so at least that’s good.

They head back to the hotel, with Ana seeming “brighter,” according to Christian. He tells her that she should get some sleep.

He’s right. I’m so tired. It’s been an emotional day. I crane my head around and gaze at him a beat. We’re not going to make love? And I’m relieved. In fact, he’s had a totally hands-off approach with me all day. I wonder if I should be alarmed by this turn of events, but since my inner goddess has left the building and taken my libido with her, I’ll think about it in the morning.

Good job, Christian! You managed to reign in your furious libido for a good several hours! What a good husband!

But Ana, why the fuck would you be alarmed? You realize you don’t have to have sex with Christian every day for him to love you, right? You can, you know, not have sex for a day or two and he won’t dump you…or at least he shouldn’t dump you, but who fucking knows.

“Promise me something,” he says softly.
“Hmm?” It’s a question that I’m too tired to articulate.
“Promise me you’ll eat something tomorrow. I can just about tolerate you wearing another man’s jacket without frothing at the mouth, but, Ana…you must eat. Please.”

Ughhhh, AGAIN with the treating Ana like a child thing. Like, she’s a grown woman, you can’t force her to eat? You can ask her to eat but like…she’s going through a lot, maybe try to be supportive instead of saying she HAS to eat to please you? Like, I get it, he’s being concerned, and he has a weird thing about food (which I guess is supposed to count as character development…), but the way he frames this is just weird. Why is he bringing up the Jacket thing? Is he going to get pissed off at Ana and force her to eat? Like…that’s fucked up?

Ana thanks Christian for being there with her.

“Where else would I be? I want to be wherever you are, Ana. Being here makes me think of how far we’ve come. And the night I first slept with you. What a night that was. I watched you for hours. You were just…yar,” he breathes.

First of all, no one cares about his bizarre movie reference. Referencing pop culture is 99% a bad idea, unless you can do it REALLY well and make it fit the story (see Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One for an excellent example of pop culture references done right). So this “yar” thing is useless, and no one really gets what it means, and honestly it cheapens what’s supposed to be a sweet moment.

Secondly…WHY DID YOU WATCH HER FOR HOURS. THAT’S FUCKING CREEPY. GTFO. If someone told me they watched me for hours I would CALL THE FUCKING POLICE AND/OR MACE THEIR FUCKING FACE. That’s creepy and stalkerish and is only ok if you’re watching the person in order to wake them up in the event of a Freddie Kruger attack. That is the ONLY ACCEPTABLE SITUATION FOR THAT BEHAVIOR.

But, we all knew Christian was a creepy fuck from the beginning, so none of this is shocking.

Christian tells Ana to go to sleep, and she does.

End of Chapter Seventeen

WHEW. We got there boys and girls. I can’t tell you how furious I was when I thought I had lost 2 hours worth of work. That setback almost cost another week of delays, because I honestly just didn’t have the mental stability to pull another 2 hours of rage-blogging out of my ass, and wouldn’t have been able to retype the post for several days, at best.

BUT, the gods of technology have smiled on us this day.

So, with chapter 17 done, we’ve got a total of 12 chapters left of this festival of nightmares (which includes 8 regular chapters, an epilogue, and 3 bonus chapters, which are relatively short mega-blasts of utter drivel, so those’ll be fun). We’re getting closer! With the end (almost) in sight, hopefully I’ll be getting these posts out more regularly, but again, no guarantees.

I can’t apologize enough for all the delays I’ve put you guys through. For those of you still here, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You guys make this shitstorm worth braving.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 15

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

God I hate these books. But, the show must go on! So here’s another chapter.

RECAP: Elliot proposes to Kate, and she says yes (what a shocker). They go to a club and the girls sexy-dance while the boys stay sitting. While Ana is dancing, she feels someone come up and start dancing behind her, and she thinks it’s Christian, but it’s NOT CHRISTIAN, it’s some blonde douchebag. Ana gets really mad and demands that he stop touching her, to which the douchebag replies: “Come on, Sugar, it’s just some fun.” Ana slaps him (thank GOD), and then immediately Christian is there and punches the guy. Ana then starts feeling bad for asserting her right to personal space and insists that the REAL reason she slapped the guy was because she knew that Christian would be mad that someone touched his property. Because “wife” means “property of man” apparently. The group leaves the club, and apparently Ana is trashed. Christian puts her to bed and then goes to make some phone calls. Ana thinks about how they’ve made “progress,” although clearly no progress has been made and honestly I think that’s just drunk-brain talking.

It’s only 2 in the afternoon but I honestly might go open a beer to get through this chapter…

Chapter Fifteen

Ana wakes up and is magically not hungover from the night before. Are you kidding me? She was too drunk to take off her goddamned shoes, and she wakes up feeling fine?

I drank too much–boy did I drink too much. I’m amazed Christian let me.

Oh right, your husband also controls what you eat and drink! What a healthy, non-manipulative relationship! Hah hah hah! #whatthefuck

I smile as I remember him putting me to bed. That was sweet, real sweet, and unexpected.

What the fuck did you expect him to do, leave you on the floor somewhere? How the fuck are you surprised that he put you to bed when you were wasted. On what planet is that “unexpected” from your goddamned husband. Let’s all give Christian a sticker to congratulate him for being a DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEING. WOW, SO IMPRESSIVE.

They start discussing what happened last night, and Christian is still mad that some guy touched Ana, which is how anyone should react to a situation like that, but since I know that he’s mad because some guy touched his property and isn’t mad because someone invaded his wife’s personal space and touched her without her permission, he’s still a fucking asshole. Right emotion, wrong motive.

Ana of course downplays the whole event, probably because she’s scared of what he’ll do to her if he remains angry. They talk about how her palm is still red and sore because of her slapping that guy, and this leads into a conversation about Christian spanking Ana, which I really hope doesn’t happen because I honestly can’t stomach any gross, manipulative sex right now.

“That’s quite a right arm you have there, Mrs. Grey.”
“You’d do well to remember that, Mr. Grey.”
“Oh really?” He rolls suddenly so that he’s fully on top of me, pressing me into the mattress, holding my wrists above my head. He gazes down at me.
“I’d fight you any day, Mrs. Grey. In fact, subduing you in bed is a fantasy of mine.”

let me stop you right there

Ughhhhhhhh this whole relationship is a goddamned mess. Of course you fantasize about subduing your wife in bed, because you get off on CONTROLLING AND HARMING WOMEN.

“I thought you subdued me all the time.” I gasp as he nibbles my earlobe.
“Hmm…but I’d like some resistance,” he murmurs, his nose skirting my jaw.

You only want “resistance” so you can feel more in-control, Christian. I get that this is a pretty popular fantasy for a lot of people, but given your past history of abuse, manipulation and dangerous fantasies/tendencies, something tells me that this “fantasy” goes a lot further than just play. In fact, wanting “resistance” makes this seem an awful lot like a rape fantasy, which, coming from Christian, is REALLY FUCKING SCARY.

What’s this about? Brawling? Fantasy? Will he hurt me? My inner goddess shakes her head–Never.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT ALL THE TIMES HE HAS ACTUALLY HURT YOU? LIKE THE BELT? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THE TIME WHEN HE BEAT YOU WITH A BELT SO HARD IT MADE YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM?

If you’re married to someone and you constantly wonder “will they hurt me?” YOU NEED TO LEAVE THAT PERSON. THAT IS A DANGEROUS PERSON. THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC, GOD DAMMIT.

Ugh, now they’re going to “play” and Ana is going to resist him. Ughhhhhhhh.

[I’m going to put a trigger warning here for rape, because this next part might be hard for some people to read. Lord knows I’m having enough trouble typing it.]

Christian makes a low, sexy sound in his throat and moves, tossing me onto the bed beside him. I cry out in surprise, then he’s on top of me, and I start to struggle as he makes a grab for my hands. Roughly, I place my hands on his chest, pushing with all my might, trying to move him, while he endeavors to pry my legs apart with his knee.
I continue pushing at his chest–jeez he’s heavy– but he doesn’t flinch, doesn’t freeze as he once might have. He’s enjoying this! He attempts to grab my wrists, and finally captures one, despite my valiant attempt to twist it free. It’s my sore hand, so I surrender it to him, but grab his hair with my other hand and pull hard.
“Ah!” He yanks his head free and gazes down at me, his eyes wild and carnal.

Now, again, I know rape-play can be something that occurs in safe, consensual BDSM relationships, and is even a fantasy for some people, but given Christian’s history and temperament, this part of the book is EXTREMELY SCARY. They didn’t discuss any safe-words here, and if she says stop, I have ZERO faith that he’ll actually stop. Ana does seem to be enjoying this playing, and she gave the whole thing the go-ahead from the beginning, so at least this part is consensual, but I’m still very nervous. This whole scene sounds like a vivid description of rape, and that’s alarming.

So after all this, Christian suddenly switches to being tender and gentle, which is very confusing for Ana. She wants some rough sex, and he isn’t giving it to her, so she fights him off and basically demands sex, and Christian complies. This whole interaction is so strange.

Afterwards they talk a little bit about it, and it’s revealed that this particular fantasy never took place with any of Christian’s other submissives, because they weren’t allowed to touch him, while Ana is. Ana brings up the fact that Mrs. Robinson could touch him, and Christian says yes but that was different, specifically “bad different,” and he finally seems to understand that his relationship with Mrs. Robinson was wrong and fucked up, so that’s nice. And then they have sex again, but we don’t have to read about it.

They finally head downstairs, where everyone is having breakfast. Christian is outside talking to one of the housekeepers, and is swinging a cane around for some reason? Mia seems mad at Ethan (Kate’s brother). Kate and Ana gush about how they’re going to be sisters. Yawn. Then they all fly back home.

Lots of uninteresting Ana-Narration happening now. We’re reminded that they have a meeting with Gia, the architect who’s designing their house and who tried to seduce Christian. We’re also reminded that Jack Hyde is still in jail, but may have an accomplice on the loose. Gia tells Ana that it was a coincidence that she was in Aspen at the same time as them, so I guess nothing sneaky was going on with her and Elliot, which is good.

Ana starts thinking about how being with his family seems to relax Christian.

Holy crap! Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe he needs his own family.

“Hmm…my husband has scary, unpredictable mood swings, and I’m never sure if he’s going to hurt me or not…I know what will fix this! Let’s have babies!”

fuck that rpattz

Ana concludes, however, that they’re not ready for a family. Thank. Fucking. God.

Ana asks Christian if he “misses it” (referring to the dom/sub stuff, and the caning and whatnot). Christian says he doesn’t. Ana says she wouldn’t mind “playing” with like a flogger or a riding crop, and Christian says maybe, but “right now, I’d like some good old-fashioned vanilla.”

Ana goes back to work. And what do you know! They immediately start emailing each other. She is a terrible employee. DO YOUR FUCKING JOB, YOU DICK. STOP EMAILING YOUR GODDAMNED HUSBAND EVERY TWO SECONDS.

Apparently the two of them have some fancy dinner to go to at night, and Ana says that she’s sure that Christian will find a way to “spice up the dinner.” Ugh. I’m sure it’ll be gross.

And then we just…skip over the dinner? Apparently they did the silver-balls-trick again, where Ana has them in her hoo-hah all night and apparently it’s all very sexy. We get more emails the next day about how enjoyable it was.

More emails. Apparently Jack Hyde “has been refused bail and remanded in custody. He’s charged with attempted kidnap and arson.” Ana asks if security will be lightened up, but Christian refuses and says “no arguments.” Ana tells him to “stow his twitchy palm,” to which he replies that he might have to “do something” about his twitching palm tonight. Ughhhhhhh.

UGH OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO READ MORE FUCKING EMAILS.

I GET IT. TIME IS PASSING. JUST SKIP THESE DAYS. I DON’T CARE ABOUT THEIR WEIRD EMAIL-FLIRTING AT WORK TALKING ABOUT THEIR SEX LIVES. STOP IT.

Seriously, like 5 days have passed entirely in emails. Also apparently Ana’s birthday is coming up on September 10th, and it’s currently September 5th? Cool. Don’t care.

Hannah taps on my door.
“Come in.”
Prescott is hovering outside. Odd…
“Hi, Ana,” says Hannah. “There’s a Leila Williams here to see you? She says it’s personal.”
“Leila Williams? I don’t know a…” My mouth goes dry, and Hannah’s eyes widen at my expression.
Leila? Fuck. What does she want?

dun dun dun

End of Chapter Fifteen

So Leila is randomly here? That’s…sort of interesting? I guess? Maybe this is where Leila convinces Ana that Christian is a dangerous douche-bottle and Ana runs away with her to join a gang of women who beat up abusive shitbags.

Too bad it’s going to be something INFINITELY more boring.

Thanks for reading, y’all! You guys are all really great. No guarantees on when the next chapter will be up, but I’ll try to do at least two this month. We’ll see how that works out.