Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Freed: Chapter 4 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

RECAP (because I’m sure you, like me, have been trying to forget everything about this atrocious story): So after their weird kinky revenge sex (because Ana took her swimsuit top off on a nude beach HEAVEN FORBID SHE DO SO WITHOUT CHRISTIAN’S PERMISSION), Ana wakes up and looks in the mirror and discovers that she’s covered in hickeys. Her wrists and ankles also have red welts on them from the handcuffs, but that’s obviously not important when one is covered in hickeys. Ana decides that Christian has gone too far (because of the hickeys. not because of the RED FUCKING WELTS ON HER LIMBS), and, like any mature, rational adult, decides to throw a hairbrush at him in retaliation. Finally they end up kind of discussing the problem, but Christian acts like what he did is fine because at least Ana won’t take her top off now (again…they’re only talking about the hickeys. Ana has already forgotten about the welts. What the fuck). Ana wants to shout at him, but chooses not to, because, and I quote, heaven knows what he’d do. LOL IT’S ALMOST LIKE THIS IS ABUSE AND CHRISTIAN IS REALLY SCARY OR SOMETHING. HAH. HAH. HAH.

Anyway. Christian “apologizes,” although he still doesn’t really understand what he did wrong. They eat, they end up dancing together, and then go have make-up sex. Then we get a flashback of Christian shaving Ana’s pubes because Ana didn’t do a good enough job herself (having never done it before), and I think it’s supposed to be erotic, but it just sounds like a bloody mess waiting to happen. Then Ana decides to return the favor and shave Christian’s face? And, sadly, she does a good job and doesn’t slit his throat. Later they go into some little Italian town where Christian basically tries to educate Ana about how to be a rich bastard, and they buy some art that costs about half a year of my college tuition. Ana mentions Christian’s mom for some reason and Christian gets all sulky, because he clearly has some issues that he has yet to deal with. Christian buys Ana a REALLY expensive bracelet (literally worth more than what I owe in student debt right now) to cover up her welts.

Later, Christian gets a phone call. Apparently there was a fire at “Grey House,” but we have no idea what house he means. His parents’ mansion? Their new house? His brother’s house? NO ONE KNOWS. Except I get the feeling that we’re supposed to know this by now. Oh. And apparently the fire was probably arson. DUM BUM BUMMM.

So, without further ado…

-Chapter Four-

Christian is holed up in his study doing…something? And, since she has the attention span of a gnat, Ana is bored. I don’t really know what Christian is even doing in his study…surely his business shit can survive a few days without him, since he’s on his goddamned honeymoon. Or maybe he’s doing something related to the fire? But since he’s literally halfway across the world, that wouldn’t make sense either.

We’ll just assume he’s masturbating.

Ana can’t seem to occupy herself. She even tries reading a book! Which is something that she apparently loves to do, although I’ve only seen her read a book maybe twice in this entire book? Whatever. She goes to find Taylor, and informs him that she’d like to go shopping. On the jet ski. Which I’m assuming Christian has expressly forbidden.

Taylor is obviously uncomfortable with this, so Ana goes and asks Christian.

Except she just asks if she can go shopping. No mention of the jet ski.

face palm startrek

Ana you’re a fucking idiot.

“Gee, my husband is FUCKING TERRIFYING, and I was too scared to even yell at him last night (even though he clearly deserved it) because I didn’t know what he would do to me…LET’S PISS HIM OFF MORE!”

Ana, why don’t you go jump into a shark tank while covered in blood. That’s probably about as safe as what you’re doing right now.

I’d like to clarify (for what’s probably the millionth time) that abuse is NEVER the fault of the victim, and so while Ana is being stupid, she in no way deserves the abuse that she’s going to probably get at the hands of her oh-so-dreamy husband. However, while I’m saying she doesn’t deserve to be treated poorly, I AM saying that she’s a FUCKING IDIOT.

Moving on.

After a rocky start, Ana figures out how the jet ski works, and she and her security detail head towards the shore. As she circles the boat, apparently she spots Christian on the deck. She can’t read his expression, but I’m betting he looks sort of like this:

maim you

When they get to shore, Taylor looks “bleak.” I’m not surprised, considering the fact that Ana roped him into her stupid plot without his knowledge, and now Christian is probably going to put Taylor’s balls in a blender for disobeying him.

“Mr. Grey is not entirely comfortable with you riding on the Jet Ski.” [Taylor’s] practically squirming with embarrassment, and I realize he’s had an irate call from Christian. Oh, my poor, pathologically overprotective husband, what am I going to do with you?

See, Ana, I don’t think Christian is “pathologically overprotective” so much as he’s A CONTROLLING PILE OF DICK-SLUDGE WHO DOESN’T LIKE YOU DOING ANYTHING OTHER THAN HIDING IN THE BEDROOM AND HAVING SEX WITH HIM.

HE’S A PIECE OF SHIT. STOP MAKING IT SOUND ROMANTIC.

“Aww, my husband doesn’t like to let me out of his sight, and he gets actually pissed off at me when I go to work! HOW CHARMING!”

I swear to fucking Jesus in heaven. I don’t even…how. How do people take this shit seriously. Goddammit.

I smile serenely at Taylor. “I see. Well, Taylor, Mr. Grey is not here, and if he’s not entirely comfortable, I’m sure he’ll give me the courtesy of telling me himself when I’m back on board.”

Um…

He IS going to tell you himself when you’re back on board. He’s going to tell you by finally murdering you the way he’s been planning to for literally the past half a year.

Also, way to stand up to Taylor, Ana. Why don’t you try sticking to your guns when you talk to Christian? Why not, I don’t know, TELL HIM TO HIS FACE THAT HE’S FUCKING HORRIBLE. Was it really so hard to say “Hey, Christian, I want to take the jet ski out. I know you might be uncomfortable with that, but you have to let me have fun once in awhile. I promise I’ll be careful.”? Was it really so hard to say that, Ana? If Christian is so loving and sweet, why can’t you FUCKING STAND UP TO HIM. And if he ISN’T so loving and sweet (which is reality), then LEAVE. HIS. ASS. Stop making fucking excuses! FUCK.

So then Ana calls Christian, because she ends up feeling bad because he’s worried about the fire. She offers to come back to the boat, because she is literally THE WORST at sticking to her guns. But, miraculously, Christian says it’s fine, and tells her to have a good time and to “come back in one piece”.

What.

Did we just enter an alternate universe where Christian is a reasonable human being? I’m so confused. What am I reading. Where am I. What year is it.

They hang up, and Ana immediately sends Christian an email to thank him “for not being too grouchy.” Yup. Give him a cookie because he was a sort of decent human being. Good idea.

shakes head

So done with you, Ana. So. Done.

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