Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 22 [Part 3]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Grace turns slowly to face Christian and a tense silence settles like a thick blanket over us as Christian and Grace stare at each other. After a beat, Grace speaks.
“Ana, before I hand him over to you, would you mind giving me a minute or two alone with my son?”

Oh man, Grace is going to be SO PISSED.

Ana leaves them alone, of course, but she listens by the door so we can find out what Grace says to Christian.

Grace asks Christian how long it went on, and how old he was at the time and what-not. Ros finds Ana by the door, and asks if she’s okay. Ana says she’s fine, and Ros leaves to have a cigarette. Ana leaves, apparently no longer interested in what Grace is saying to Christian, and makes her way up to Christian’s childhood bedroom, because…? I have no idea. I guess she wants to be alone, which makes sense.

Ana flops down on Christian’s old bed and starts doing the stupid thinking thing again, and we’re all subjected to hear her thoughts on the matter, thoughts which I frankly do not care about. I don’t care what Ana thinks about the situation. I know what Ana thinks about the situation. I could have told you like 100 pages ago what Ana would think about this situation. It’s nothing new, it’s nothing interesting.

She thinks about how Christian used to be really fucked up but now he’s better (lol nope) and how he used to be into BDSM because that came from his “place of darkness”, which is such bullshit I don’t even know where to begin. BDSM doesn’t come from darkness. It comes from normal, completely sane people’s likes and dislikes in the bedroom. Stop associating BDSM with Christian’s mental illness. BDSM is not a mental illness. It’s not a side-effect of having a fucked up past. BDSM happens between two consenting adults who, for whatever reason, enjoy playing with the power dynamic of their relationship. It’s perfectly normal, perfectly safe (when practiced correctly), and isn’t some “dark” thing.

Ana gets off the bed and looks at all the pictures Christian had up on his bulletin board from his youth. Ana focuses particularly on the picture of Christian’s birthmother, and Ana notices that she really looks nothing like the birthmother. I guess this is some kind of important revelation or something. I don’t know.

Ana leaves the room, and runs into Christian on the stairs. Christian informs Ana that Grace is “pretty fucking mad” at Christian. I’m not really sure why she’s mad at Christian, considering the fact that he was taken advantage of as a teenager by a sexual predator…I mean, I guess he did continue that relationship into his 20’s, when he was (theoretically) old enough to realize how fucked up the situation was? Idk. This whole situation is probably pretty fucking weird for Grace to deal with.

Christian tells Ana that his relationship, both personal and business, with Elena is over with. He’s handing over the salon business to Elena and that’s the end of it. So that’s good. Christian says he wants to return to the party, and says he “might even get drunk.”

They go back to the party.

Cut to the end of the party, where they’re saying goodnight to everyone. Christian and Ana go outside because Christian wants to show Ana something, I guess. Ana says she’d like to go to Church tomorrow, because she prayed for him to come back safe and he did. Since when is Ana religious?

They start talking about the house, and Christian says he’s already bought it, and they’re going to talk to Elliot about finding a good architect who can remodel the house to make it more sustainable or whatever.

They go out to the boathouse, which is where Christian spanked Ana the last time they were over at his parents’ place. If I recall, he spanked her for bidding on something with the money that he gave her for her car, which is a really stupid reason to be mad at her and spank her, but everything Christian does is stupid, so whatever.

The boathouse is filled with flowers. I guess this is Christian’s romantic proposal or whatever. It’s supposed to be romantic, I assume, although to me it just kind of seems…generic. And boring. Woo you gave her flowers, how original.

Christian gets down on one knee and produces a ring and asks Ana to marry him and she starts crying all over the place and says yes. Even though she’s already said yes. Ughhh I don’t care at alllll.

I know deep down I will always be his, and he will always be mine. We’ve come so far together, we have so far to go, but we are made for each other. We are meant to be.

Woop-de-doo. You’ve known each other for literally 2 fucking months. How the FUCK do you “know” that you’re meant to be. You barely fucking know the guy. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but you should probably at least KNOW the person you’re going to marry for longer than TWO FUCKING MONTHS before you marry them. Maybe.

There’s a fancy little squiggly line on the page.

And then…

We cut to a scene of some guy smoking in the dark in a car and drinking cheap bourbon?

The helicopter had been a rash and bold move. One of the most exhilarating things he’d ever done in his life. But to no avail. He rolls his eyes ironically. Who would have thought the son-of-a-bitch could actually fly the fucker?

…Okay so Mysterious Cigarette Guy is the one behind the helicopter shenanigans…

It had been the same all his life. People constantly underestimating him–just a man who reads books. Fuck that! A man with a photographic memory who reads books.

Um…good for you?

So it turns out that this “mysterious” guy is Jack Hyde. He even references the incident with Ana that ended with Christian and Taylor beating the shit out of him.

He’ll stay, watch, and wait. He takes another toke of his Marlboro red. His chance will come. His chance will come soon.

-End of Chapter Twenty-Two-

–End of Fifty Shades Darker-

That’s all, folks!

We’re 2/3 of the way done with this shit series.

While the writing may have gotten marginally better, the actual material has gotten far more vomit-worthy. I can’t wait to see what Book 3 has in store for us…

I may or may not post a Reflections post about this book. If I do, expect it on Friday.

I will start Fifty Shades Freed on Monday.

…still can’t believe I’ve made it all the way through two of these books. I think I deserve a bottle of wine.

PS: Thank you to everyone who’s been commenting and liking these posts recently! I appreciate your comments so much, you guys, you have no idea. I have the best readers in the universe, I swear to god.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 22 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

So after their little argument, Grace comes in to give Christian a birthday hug. They all leave the room together to go to the party.

“Christian, I really do apologize,” Kate says humbly. Humble Kate is something to behold.

Maybe Kate is just being humble because she’s afraid Christian is going to murder her.

They walk into the main room…hall…whatever the fuck it is, and are greeted by a deafening round of applause. Apparently the entire fucking world came to Christian’s birthday party. Including…oh good…Mrs. Robinson.

Christian snags 2 glasses of champagne for him and Ana, and then Elena rushes up to him to tell him how worried she was about him. She asks why he didn’t call her, and Christian just says he’s been busy. Elena finally says hello to Ana, and seems very fake about it. Christian says he needs to make an announcement, so Elena grudgingly steps back.

Christian announces that he and Ana are engaged, and everyone claps again.

As Ana glances around the room, she notices that several of the women there look “crestfallen,” and one in particular looks like she’s “eaten something nasty and bitter.” Apparently fucking everyone wanted to marry Christian. Trust me, ladies, you dodged a bullet here.

Elena, of course, looks “stunned–horrified even.” As much as I hate siding with Ana on anything, I do share Ana’s feeling of satisfaction.

Christian’s whole family starts hugging Ana and being really happy and shit. I really do not care about any of it. Dr. Flynn finds them and congratulates Christian, and Ana get’s to meet Dr. Flynn’s wife, Rhian.

“That was one googly you bowled there, Christian,” Dr. Flynn shakes his head in amused disbelief. Christian frowns at him.
“John–you and your cricket metaphors.” Rhian rolls her eyes.

APPARENTLY THAT’S WHAT BRITISH PEOPLE DO. THEY JUST THROW OUT RANDOM CRICKET METAPHORS FOR NO REAL REASON.

IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY? BECAUSE IT’S NOT.

I mean, I’m really into hockey, but I’m not going to spout random hockey references every five seconds.

I just don’t even know how to react to that. I have no idea what I just read, and, frankly, I don’t give a fuck. I’m not going to go google what  “googly” is in cricket, because I DO NOT FUCKING CARE, AND THAT REFERENCE LITERALLY DOES NOTHING FOR THE STORY. It’s just stupid. I guess that was supposed to be a joke or something, maybe E.L. James thought she was being clever, but it’s not clever. It’s cringe-worthy, if anything.

Ros, Christian’s business parter…? or whatever? comes over to join them, and is accompanied by her girlfriend, Gwen.

I mean, it’s a small gesture, but it’s pretty cool that there are some non-straight characters in here, even if they aren’t really characters. And they’re not really defined by their sexuality, so that’s neat.

They’re informed that dinner is served, and everyone moves to the dining room. Mia pulls Ana aside to give her a lemon martini courtesy of Christian’s dad, which is apparently “much nicer than champagne.” I guess it’s really strong, so Ana is going to get hammered at this party. Oh goody. I’m sure Christian will get unreasonably upset at her for that.

Then Mia starts asking Ana for advice, because Ethan, Kate’s brother, doesn’t want to date her, and I guess that’s some huge problem. Oh, gee, a person doesn’t want to date you. What a terrible situation. I guess Ethan is weirded out because Kate is dating Elliot, and he thinks it’s kind of incestuous? Idk whatever.

“Can you agree to be friends and give it some time? I mean you’ve only just met him.”

OMG ANA WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE YOUR OWN FUCKING ADVICE.

Also that’s actually really good advice. Weird. Did not expect that from Ana.

Mia is skeptical, especially because of how Ana and Christian’s relationship happened, but Ana tells her to try the friendship route, and also tells her to go talk to Kate about it. Mia leaves, and Ana turns to go to dinner, only to run into…Elena.

 

Elena breezes into the room, her face taut, set in grim, angry determination. She closes the door quietly behind her and scowls at me.

Oh shit.

Shit is about to GO DOWN.

“I would offer you my heartfelt congratulations, but I think that would be inappropriate” Her piercing cold blue eyes stare frostily into mine, filled with loathing.
“I neither need nor want your congratulations, Elena. I’m surprised and disappointed to see you here.”

Oh SHIT.

“What on earth do you think you’re doing, consenting to marry Christian? If you think for one minute you can make him happy, you’re very much mistaken.”
“What I’m consenting to do with Christian is none of your concern.”

OHHH SHIIIITTTT.

“You’re nothing but a sick child molester, and if it was up to me, I’d toss you into the seventh circle of hell and walk away smiling. Now get out of my way–or do I have to make you?”

“How dare you judge our lifestyle? You know nothing, and you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into. And if you think he’s going to be happy with a mousy little gold-digger like you…”
That’s it! I throw the rest of my lemon martini in her face, drenching her.

FUCK. YEAH.

Oh shit, and then Christian shows up. Elena starts trying to tell Christian that Ana isn’t right for him, but Christian isn’t having any of it.

“How the fuck do you know what’s right for me?”
“You have needs, Christian,” she says her voice softer.
“I’ve told you before–this is none of your fucking business,” he roars. Oh crap–Very Angry Christian has reared his not-so-ugly head. People are going to hear.
“What is this?” He pauses, glaring at her. “Do you think it’s you? You? You think you’re right for me?”

Ohhh shiiiiittttt son! SHIT IS GETTING SO REAL RIGHT NOW AND IT IS MAKING ME SO HAPPY.

“I was the best thing that ever happened to you,” she hisses arrogantly at him. “Look at you now. One of the richest, most successful, entrepreneurs in the US–controlled, driven–you need nothing. You are master of your universe.”

Okay, it was kind of cool the first time that happened, when Ana used “Master of The Universe” or “My universe” or whatever it was, the title of the fanfiction that these books are based on, but it’s happened like 3 other times since then and now it’s just…cheesy. And stupid. And no one gives a shit.

“You loved it, Christian, don’t try and kid yourself. You were on the road to self-destruction, and I saved you from that, saved you from a life behind bars. Believe me, baby, that’s where you would have ended up. I taught you everything you know, everything you need.”

Someone here clearly has much too high of an opinion of herself.

“You taught me how to fuck, Elena. But it’s empty, like you. No wonder Linc left.”

OH SHIT. LINC WAS HER HUSBAND AND HE LEFT HER.

SHIIIIIT SON. SHIIIIIIIIT.

“You never once held me,” Christian whispers. “You never once said you loved me.”
She narrows her eyes. “Love is for fools, Christian.”
“Get out of my house.” Grace’s implacable, furious voice startles us. Three heads swing rapidly to where Grace stands on the threshold of the room.

OH MY GOSH I SHOULD HAVE MADE SOME POPCORN BEFORE READING THIS CHAPTER. THIS SHIT IS SO INSANE.

See, this part of the book isn’t half bad! The writing still isn’t too great, but there’s an actual plot and things are happening and I’m feeling emotions! And there’s something actually at stake!!

Does this part redeem the rest of this shitstorm of a series? Of course not. But even in the biggest bile of shit, there’s always a gem buried in there somewhere. And by “gem” I mean a broken plastic ring that came out of one of those vending machine things that costs a quarter. But hey, compared to the rest of the shit, that broken plastic ring looks pretty good!

[Grace’s] eyes blaze with fury, never once leaving Elena, until she stands before her. Elena’s eyes widen in alarm, and Grace slaps her hard across the face, the sound of the impact resounding off the walls of the dining room.
“Take your filthy paws off my son, you whore, and get out of my house–now!” she hisses through gritted teeth.

AWW SHIT, GRACE! KICK HER ASS!

Except Elena runs from the room before Grace gets a chance. Boo. I would have paid so much money to see that fight.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 22 [Part 1]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

You guys…

This is it…

This is Chapter 22…

The final chapter of this book…

SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL!

Except probably not, because nothing ever actually happens in these books, and although this chapter SHOULD do something that sets up the plot for the next (and final) book, I’m sure it won’t, and the last book will just be all about Ana and Christian having gross sex for the rest of forever.

Either way…LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!

RECAP: Christian takes Ana into the Creepy Murder Room, as part of her birthday present to him. They have gross sex that involves blindfolds, vibrators, and Christian putting a finger in Ana’s butt. Ana cums, and it’s delightful, and then they cuddle and start having more sex. Afterward, Ana starts making Christian’s lunch while Christian does some work in his office. He gets kind of sassy with her because she’s wearing a really short dress, and he even says that he doesn’t want anyone else to see her like that, because apparently exposing your upper thigh is some kind of horrible sin in Christian’s eyes. Christian calls Ana’s stepdad to get his permission to marry Ana. Ray asks to talk to Ana, and is pretty apprehensive about the whole thing, since they haven’t known each other long. Ana just keeps saying that she loves Christian, so Ray finally agrees. They start eating lunch.

Ana confesses to Christian that she found his box of photos in his closet, the photos of all his ex-subs. He says that he kept the pictures as some kind of insurance policy, so he could threaten to blackmail any of those women should they try to out him. Apparently those pictures should have been in Christian’s safe, but Leila allegedly moved them, because apparently a mentally disturbed woman who can barely figure out how to speak or bathe properly can figure out the very long and complicated code to Christian’s safe. Ana goes out to get ingredients for Christian’s birthday cake. Christian is weird about her going out in that dress, but Ana basically says “fuck you” and runs out the door. Except then Ana immediately feels guilty and thinks she’s done something wrong, because apparently wearing clothes that your fiancé doesn’t approve of is again some kind of horrible sin. She immediately apologizes when she get’s home, and Christian, surprisingly, forgives her. Later, they arrive at Christian’s parents’ house for Christian’s birthday party, only to be immediately bombarded by Kate, who is furiously waving a copy of Ana’s email to Christian about the contract in their faces.

NOW LET’S GET READY TO FINISH THIS BOOK!

-Chapter Twenty-Two-

All the color drains from my face as my blood turns to ice and fear lances through my body. Instinctively I step between [Kate] and Christian.

Ana, come on, just let Kate beat the shit out of him. Please? That’s literally all I want from this chapter. I just want a chapter-long beating where Christian gets exactly what he deserves for being a sexist, abusive piece of shit.

“Kate! This is nothing to do with you.” I glare venomously at her, anger replacing my fear. How dare she do this? Not now, not today.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘HOW DARE SHE.’

SHE’S YOUR BEST FUCKING FRIEND AND SHE FOUND AN EMAIL WHERE YOU DISCUSS WHETHER OR NOT IT’S OKAY FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND TO BEAT YOU.

SHE’S FUCKING CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR DUMB ASS.

SHOW SOME FUCKING GRATITUDE (preferably in the form of make-outs because you two are meant to be together).

I just…okay. Look. Here’s some advice from Ol’ Mama Caitlin. If your friends don’t approve of something your boyfriend/lover/husband/whatever is doing/has done, they’re probably right to feel that way. I remember awhile back, I got cheated on, and instead of immediately telling my friends about it I hid it from them, because I knew they’d be mad at him and I didn’t want them to hate him. Instead of being worried that my friends would hate him, I should have immediately told them about it, and then I should have dumped his ass and gone on a magical whirlwind adventure with my besties, because they care about me a whole lot, and if they hated him, it would be for VERY GOOD REASONS.

So basically, your friends (usually) care about you a whole lot, so it is 100% their business to be worried about you if you seem to be putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. And Ana has DEFINITELY put herself in a potentially dangerous situation.

So maybe, JUST MAYBE, Ana should sit the fuck down and listen to Kate because Kate is one of the only people in this godforsaken book that seems to realize how much of a fucking psychopath Christian is.

ANYWAY.

Ana hands Christian the email, after Christian refuses to leave so Ana can discuss this with Kate in private. I mean, I think Christian should be there for the discussion, but I also think it’s kind of shitty that when Christian yells at Ana to leave and she doesn’t listen, he freaks the fuck out at her, but if HE refuses to leave when she asks him to, that’s perfectly within his rights.

“What’s he done to you?” Kate asks, ignoring Christian. She looks so apprehensive. I flush as a myriad of erotic images flit quickly across my mind.
“That’s none of your business, Kate.”

EXCEPT IT TOTALLY IS HER BUSINESS BECAUSE SHE’S WORRIED ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING AND SHE THINKS HE IS ABUSIVE, WHICH IS A PRETTY ACCURATE ASSUMPTION.

“But Ana has consented to everything Christian asks!”

LOL EXCEPT IT’S NOT CONSIDERED CONSENT IF SHE’S TOO SCARED TO SAY NO.

AND ANA IS 100% TERRIFIED OF CHRISTIAN.

[Kate] is a beacon of hostility in a slinky, bright red dress. She looks magnificent.

Ana is so in lesbians with Kate it’s not even funny.

Christian asks Kate if she’s told anyone. Kate says she hasn’t. Christian then lights the copy of the email on fire and throws it in the fireplace.

“I just want to know you’re okay, Ana,” she whispers.

Ana I swear to god if you’re a dick to Kate after she said that, I will personally pee in your mouth because you are a shitty friend.

“I’m fine, Kate. More than fine.  Please, Christian and I are good, really good–this is old news. Please ignore it.”

EXCEPT YOU’RE NOT “REALLY GOOD” BECAUSE HE GOT MAD AT YOU TODAY FOR WEARING A DRESS THAT HE FUCKING BOUGHT FOR YOU. AND YOU HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR WEARING SAID DRESS OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE. YOU HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO HIM FOR WEARING CLOTHES, ANA. THAT IS NOT “REALLY GOOD.”

Christian puts an arm around Ana and announces to Kate that they’re getting married. Because apparently this conversation was taking too long for Christian and he just had to interrupt. You’d think that, since Kate is Ana’s friend, it would be ANA’S decision when/how to tell her, but whatever.

Forget it–please. I love him and he loves me. Don’t do this. Don’t ruin his party and our night,” I whisper. She blinks and unexpectedly her eyes are shining with tears.
“No. Of course I won’t. You’re okay?” She wants reassurance.
“I’ve never been happier,” I whisper.

What’s with all the whispering?

And Ana, just because this is the happiest you’ve ever been doesn’t necessarily mean that this is as good as it gets, and it DEFINITELY doesn’t mean you should just brush off Kate’s concern. If Kate is concerned, she has a good reason to be concerned. You should fucking listen to her.

Kate apologizes profusely (even though I don’t think she has anything to really apologize for).

She looks at Christian and repeats her apology. He nods at her, his eyes glacial, and his expression does not change. Oh shit, he’s still mad.

Um, excuse me, what is he mad about? Is he mad because Kate was concerned about Ana’s well-being? Oh yes, how dare Ana have friends that are concerned about her. How dare anyone doubt how perfect Christian is.

Seriously what the fuck is wrong with him. What the fuck is wrong with this entire book. Why does any of this exist.

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 21 [Part 3]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

I guess Christian is in his office because he’s on the phone…with Ana’s stepdad…

Apparently Christian asked Ray if he could marry Ana. Ray, naturally, wants to talk to Ana about it.

“It’s kind of sudden, don’t you think, Annie? You’ve not known him long. I mean, he’s a nice guy, knows his fishing…but so soon?”

Apparently that’s what it means to be a nice guy. “You know how to fish? Great. You can be an asshole to my daughter all you want, as long as you know shit about fishing.”

But other than that…yes, thank you Ray, speak some sense into your daughter.

Ana leaves the room so she can talk to Ray without Christian lurking over her shoulder.

“I know it’s sudden and all–but…well, I love him. He loves me. He wants to marry me, and there’ll never be anyone else for me.”

YOU HAVE KNOWN THIS GUY A GRAND TOTAL OF 2 MONTHS.

HE HAS TREATED YOU LIKE SHIT PRETTY CONSISTENTLY.

HE TOLD YOU HE ONLY LIKED YOU INITIALLY BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE HIS DEAD CRACKWHORE MOTHER, AND HE LIKES TO BEAT WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE HIS BIRTHMOTHER.

“But Caitlin, Love conquers all!”

NO. FUCK YOU. LOVE MEANS THAT YOU SHARE A MUTUAL TRUST AND RESPECT FOR ONE ANOTHER AND YOU DON’T THREATEN OR EMOTIONALLY ABUSE YOUR PARTNER.

WHAT THEY HAVE IS NOT LOVE.

WHAT THEY HAVE IS LUST. AND STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.

Ugh. Ana asks Ray to give her away at the wedding, and keeps saying how much she loves Christian and all this bullshit, and Ray starts getting all choked up and says he’ll do it and is all happy for Ana.

Please, Kate, you’re my only hope. Talk some sense into your best friend.

Finally, they go to eat lunch.

“Damn, you’re a good cook, woman.”

 

UM.

EXCUSE ME.

I KNOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE.

BUT.

IT’S NOT REALLY FUNNY. ALSO YOU’RE ALREADY A RAGING RIVER OF SEXISM SO PARDON ME IF I SAY THAT YOU, CHRISTIAN, PROBABLY SAID THIS AS 12% JOKE AND 88% SERIOUS.

Ana, however, isn’t offended by this.

Christian finally asks Ana why she asked him not to take her picture in the playroom.

“I found your photos,” I whisper.
His eyes widen in shock. “You’ve been in the safe?” he asks, incredulous.
“Safe? No. I didn’t know you had a safe.”
He frowns. “I don’t understand.”
“In your closet. The box. I was looking for your tie, and the box was under your jeans…the ones you normally wear in the playroom.”

Apparently Ana isn’t even kind of weirded out by the fact that Christian has MORE pictures of people in some kind of safe? Because that’s, you know, normal.

Oh, apparently the photos were supposed to be in the safe, but got moved by someone? And there’s only one person who could have moved them?

“This is going to sound cold, but–they’re an insurance policy,” he whispers steeling himself for my response.
“Insurance policy?”
“Against exposure.”

I don’t…do people really give that much of a shit about whether mega-CEOs like tying people up and fucking them? I don’t know, I guess that’s not that far fetched, but I just know that if I found out that Steve Jobs liked to tie up his wife/mistress/whoever and was into BDSM and stuff, I’d be like “…cool?” and then go back to playing games on my iPhone. Do people really give a shit?

Oh, apparently Leila was the one who moved the photographs. I don’t know how Leila got the combination to his safe? I guess he has it written down somewhere, and she could have found it…but why would she put the pictures in his closet? That’s fucking weird, dude.

Christian says he’ll shred the pictures, and then he says he has a lot of work to do. I guess that’s good that he’s willing to get rid of them because they make Ana uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean he’s not an asshole, but at least he’s being less of an overt asshole right now.

After Christian goes to his office to get some work done, Ana calls her mother, who immediately assumes Ana is pregnant. Ana assures her that that isn’t the case, but her mom is still kind of weird about the idea. Of course, Carla grudgingly accepts the idea, asks whether they’ve set a date, and then says she has to go because her husband Bob is calling her. Yup, A+ mom, your daughter just called to tell you that she’s engaged and you can’t take 2 minutes to talk to her about it even though you CLEARLY think it’s not a good idea.

I think Carla is 200% of the reason why Ana is such a useless person.

“But aren’t you being sexist, calling Ana useless, since she’s a woman?”

Nope. She’s a shitty character. She’s flat and boring and can’t do anything for herself. I don’t call her useless because she’s a woman. I call her useless because she’s a boring, stupid character.

I’m glad we cleared that up, imaginary blog-critic.

Ana goes to Christian’s office and tells him she’s going to the store to get stuff to bake him a birthday cake.

“You going to put some jeans on or something?”
Oh, come on. “Christian, they’re just legs.”

THANK YOU, ANA.

THEY ARE JUST LEGS. WHO GIVES A SHIT IF YOU CAN SEE HER THIGHS. IT’S NOT LIKE HER VAGINA IS OUT.

Fucking slut-shaming, goddammit.

Ana basically tells Christian to fuck off (except much nicer, telling him to pretend they’re at the beach, where he wouldn’t be scandalized by her bare thighs), and runs for the elevator so he can’t retaliate. Apparently he looks mostly amused as she runs out the door.

Oh, that was exciting. Adrenaline is pounding through my veins, and my heart feels like it wants to exit my chest. But as the elevator descends, so do my spirits. Shit, what have I done?
I have a tiger by the tail. He’s going to be mad when I get back.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

YOU WORE CLOTHES OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE. CLOTHES THAT SHOW AN EXTRA 2 INCHES OF THIGH-SKIN. HEAVEN FORBID SOMEONE SEES YOUR THIGH-SKIN.

IS YOUR THIGH-SKIN LIKE MEDUSA’S EYES? DOES IT TURN MEN TO STONE OR SOME SHIT?

PROBABLY NOT.

WHO GIVES A FLYING SPACE-FUCK ABOUT HOW MUCH OF YOUR THIGHS ARE SHOWING.

Also.

YOU SHOULDN’T BE THAT SCARED OF YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND. THAT IS THE MAN YOU’RE GOING TO MARRY, AND YOU’RE SO SCARED OF HIM THAT GOING OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE IN A DRESS HE THINKS IS TOO SHORT IS ENOUGH TO GET YOUR ADRENALINE PUMPING. YOU’RE ACTING LIKE YOU JUST DID SOMETHING DARING, LIKE SKYDIVING. ALL YOU DID WAS LEAVE THE HOUSE WEARING A SHORT DRESS, IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL.

So much slut shaming. I swear to god. What is wrong with this book? What is wrong with everyone in this book? YOU SHOULDN’T BE THIS SCARED OF YOUR GODDAMNED BOYFRIEND.

FUCK.

 

Ana comes back from the store and finds Christian still in his office. Once he gets off the phone, she goes to talk to him.

“I’m back. Are you mad at me?”
He sighs, reaches out for my hand, and pulls me into his lap, folding his arms around me. He buries his nose in my hair.
“Yes,” he says.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

YOU’RE ALLOWED TO WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU APOLOGIZING.

Oh for the love of god. Christian forgives her (EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE) and starts running his hand up her bare leg and kissing her and suddenly they’re both in Boner City and I want to vomit on the entire world.

Thank GOD we don’t have to read about that one. We skip ahead to when they’re finished, and Christian says he’ll be done with work in like half an hour. Ana goes to bake Christian his cake.

Ana sings Christian happy birthday, and they eat some cake. Nothing interesting happens.

Cut to them arriving at his parents house for his family birthday party.

They get inside, and are immediately bombarded by a furious Kate. Christian and Ana follow her into the dining room, where she begins waving a piece of paper at Ana, and saying “What the fuck is this?”

My mouth dries. Holy shit. It’s my email response to Christian, discussing the contract.

-End of Chapter Twenty-One-

Lololol oh my goodness PLEASE GOD LET KATE BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF CHRISTIAN FOR BEING A SHITTY, SCARY, ABUSIVE PERSON.

I’m sure Ana will find a way to smooth things over and nothing bad will happen and everyone will be best friends again like 2 pages into the next chapter.

If I had my way, Kate would just fucking murder Christian and start making out with Ana and they’d ride off into the sunset holding hands and using their other hands to flip off the whole world.

See you on Monday! Maybe! Depending on my schedule!

Caitlin Liveblogs Fifty Shades Darker: Chapter 21 [Part 2]

[disclaimer: I don’t own any of the gifs used in this post. If you see a gif that you created and would either like credit for it or would like it taken down, please let me know.]

Christian playfully threatens to spank Ana because she’s like, nuzzling his jaw or whatever and he doesn’t want to jizz in his pants.

Oh! I try to hide my smile. There was a time, not very long ago, when I would have been subdued by this threat. I would never have had the nerve to kiss him, unbidden, while he was in this room. I realize now, I’m no longer intimidated by him. It’s a revelation.

…Except you 100% still ARE intimidated by him, just maybe not so much in the bedroom. Half the time when he gets mad at you (which is every 20 seconds, pretty much) you just bow your head and apologize, even when there’s literally NOTHING for you to apologize for.

But whatever. If you want to think that you’re not afraid of him, good for you. I just know you better than that.

Oh, apparently Christian doesn’t cuff Ana’s wrists behind her back, he cuffs her above her elbows, which forces her chest to stick out. Lovely. That sounds comfortable.

Christian puts an eye-mask over Ana’s eyes, so now she can’t see anything. She apparently hears him walk over to the chest of drawers, open a drawer, close it, and walk back. She says she can “sense” him in front of her. I am rolling my eyes SO HARD right now.

He starts giving Ana a massage, using some fancy, nice-smelling oil, and telling her how she’s going to be his wife and she practically orgasms right then and there at the thought.

Christian tells Ana to open her mouth, and places some kind of metal object in her mouth, something that’s apparently shaped like “an oversized baby’s pacifier”. He tells her he’s going to put it inside of her, but he doesn’t say where.

It’s a butt plug, dude. Where do you think he’s going to put it. Sometimes I forget how sexually illiterate Ana is.

He starts touching her butt, and says he’s going to put the “pacifier” inside of her, but he’s going to put it in her vagina, I guess?

He moves his fingers round and round, in and out, hitting the front wall of my vagina.

Oh…

Oh shit.

You guys.

She said it.

She said the thing.

SHE SAID THE WORD VAGINA.

SHE CALLED IT BY NAME.

CHERYL MUST BE SO HAPPY!

Oh god and it’s a vibrator. Ana is going to literally have a heart attack from cumming so hard.

Instantly the plug inside me starts to vibrate–down there!

YOU LITERALLY JUST REFERRED TO YOUR VAGINA BY NAME, BUT NOW YOU’RE BACK TO THE ITALICIZED BULLSHIT AGAIN? “DOWN THERE?” SERIOUSLY? IT’S YOUR FUCKING VAGINA, GET USED TO IT YOU FUCK.

“So beautiful,” he murmurs and suddenly he gently pushes an anointed finger inside me…there! Into my backside. Fuck. It feels alien, full, forbidden…but oh…so…good.

AND NOW “THERE” IS REFERRING TO YOUR ASS?

I CAN’T KEEP THIS SHIT STRAIGHT ANYMORE.

START REFERRING TO SHIT BY NAME OR I WILL PERSONALLY POOP IN YOUR BED.

Also “anointed finger” makes it sound like the Pope blessed his finger or something. Like Jesus was like “And this is my body, which will be given up for you. And this…this is my finger, which will go up Anastasia Steele’s butt for you.”

[Did I…did I take that too far? Oh well.]

Aaaand Ana cums, very hard and very loud, like she always does, but I guess this one is even better and even MORE mind-blowing than all the other 50,000 perfect orgasms I’ve had to read about over the course of these piece-of-shit books.

Christian carries Ana over to the bed, and they cuddle while she recovers from her orgasm. Christian then changes the music and says that he wants to “make love” to Ana, and, thankfully, we don’t have to read about it. We get to jump right to the end where they’re both cumming (so we miss about 30 seconds of sex), and Ana starts crying because she starts thinking about how Christian almost died in that helicopter crash yesterday.

We have another cut, and this time we pick back up with Ana saying “We have talked and talked and talked, sitting upright together in the bed in the playroom…”

WHY DON’T WE GET TO HEAR ANY OF THIS CONVERSATION.

I don’t think we’ve ever seen the two of them have a conversation? They’re always either fucking or fighting. They never talk about their likes and dislikes, their dreams, their favorite movies…nothing. And yet we’re just supposed to believe they’re in love. They’ve known each other for maybe 2 months, know literally nothing about each other, and they’re getting married.

That’s…smart.

We do get to see a tiny glimpse of their conversation here, and the two of them just start talking about how much they love each other, and really I just want to vomit. I’m glad you two love each other, really, but I see LITERALLY NO REASON why you love each other. None. Other than the amazing sex.

Uuugghhhh.

Later, they decide to eat lunch (apparently it’s only the afternoon), and while Ana cooks, Christian goes to do work-things. While cooking, Ana gets a text from Kate, saying that she’s looking forward to having a “looooong chat.”

Please, for the love of God and all that is holy…please have Kate tell Ana what a phenomenally bad idea it is for her to marry Christian. Please. I beg of you.

Oh for the love of…Ana EMAILS Christian to tell him that lunch is ready.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEM.

YOU CAN’T WALK TO THE OTHER ROOM TO TELL YOUR GODDAMNED FIANCE THAT HIS LUNCH IS READY?

UUUuugggghhhh so much murder in my heart right now. I just want to murder this whole book.

And then we have a confusing cut, where Ana goes to Christian’s office to tell him that lunch is ready? Even though she already…emailed him? Okay…

I guess now she’s wearing some kind of sundress that’s really short.

“You look fantastic in it, Ana. I just don’t want anyone else to see you like that.”

AH YES YOU HAVE EXPOSED YOUR UPPER THIGHS. WHAT A WANTON SLUT YOU ARE. HOW DARE YOU EXPOSE A THOROUGHLY NON-SEXUAL PART OF YOUR BODY IN MY APARTMENT WHEN WE’RE NOT EVEN IN PUBLIC.

What

the

fuck.

Christian Grey: Slut-shaming women since 2011.

And I will be the first in line to punch you, Christian. Mark my words.